How likeley is it that my dh is narcissistic ?

[hurtandfoolish]

Am wondering if this is a possibility.We are seperated due to his abusive childish and controlling behaviour. We were meant to be trying to sort things out .Within a few days hes gone from trying to sort things out to being caught with someone else.He is now laughing / bragging about this publicly.
I have not asked for an explanation as i know its futile but he apears to have no conscience despite our dcs being devestated.

In the past he has been impossiblt to talk to , he would fly into a rage at any perceived critisism , force me to do things i did not want to do and pretend to cry , threaten to kill himself , rage and put me down.
He also thrives on sympathy and pity and constantly demands attention like a child.

In the past he has gone from girlfreind to girlfeind , seems anyone would do.

He has also sexually molested me ( he admits this but blames me ?) Constantly sexually harrassed me in a degrading way and generally puts nothing in emotionally but takes everything he can.
This is why were seperated.

After reading lots on narcissm ? i wonder if he has got some sort of personality disorder.
The only thing is , his freinds , family , workmates think he is a great bloke. If he had this disorder , sureley it would be evident to other people ? Wouldnt others also be on the receiving end of his behaviour ?
Or is he just a bully ?

Feel like i am waking up after being asleep for a long long time and am very confused and concerned.

[hurtandfoolish]

Lol Amazonian.
He wouldnt accept my petition last time and petitioned himself , we were referred to mediation.Sol said if it cant be resolved it could end up in court.
He kept getting his sol to ring mine to find out when i had apointments.
He would frequently say " i know you have an apointment at 2 on friday ".
Funnily enough a few days before we were meant to go to mediation he asked to meet and suggested we try again, he was going to sort himself out ect.
Therefore i stupidly agreed and mediation was cancelled.I would love to have him spend a fortune on legal fees but i am afraid that the children will suffer as we are in some ways still dependant on him ( mortgage ).
More than anything would love to prove his adultry and go on that.He spent the weekend visiting mutual freinds trying to explain that his freind was just a freind.Bollocks.

He also doesnt know who he is and i have always said this about him.For instance he has no interest whatsoever in football but will raise it as a topic with someone who is and pretend he likes it.

Whenever ive asked him a question about us, he visably squirms and he will change his mind from one minuite to the next.Eventully he,ll admit that he doesnt know what he wants or that hes confused.He doesnt know how he feels.( maybe this is where ow comes into this as she,ll decidede for him ).Hes spent nearly a year not knowing what he wants.

He assumes he knows how other people feel and will say if for them and get it wrong . He is often corrected.I range from being furious to heartbroken, to hating him and missing him and even hoping that ow is a nice person and maybe hell be happy with her.
Strangeley i still feel responsible and guilty for him, suppose thats cos hes always held me responsible for his feelings.

Oh yes, he will openly pick his nose too and his driving is terrible and dangerous.He brags regularly about how he nearly had a crash .

[hurtandfoolish]

Things never progressed past the point of us both having our own set of papers.Am not sure what to do now.

[Salleroo]

Sorry to interrupt thread. UA great to see you and that you are doing so well.

H&F as you know if you have ready UAs old posts, she has nothing but good advice to offer.

Good luck with the tattoos!

[hurtandfoolish]

Ive lost a good 3 stone too , i was never overweight befoRe i met him and im not now.Was due to the masive meals he made that were enough to feed an entire family.

Only realised lateley just how much food he consumes and he makes a horrible noise while hes eating too, slurp, munch.He also drinks every night quite a lot and he has often embarressed me by getting drunk and falling asleep snoring and farting loudly in front of freinds.

Oh no, im starting to feel sorry for him again , in the same way i would one of my children.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Lol! You are making me belly-laugh this afternoon HF. When their cover is blown they turn into slobs. My H got so pissed one night before he farked off and I had one of my best friends and her daughter staying over, that he fell off the bog upstairs with his trousers round his ankles and passed out.

Actually I don't think he really passed out -it was an act like a kid doing sleeping lions. Twonker.

Do not feel sorry for him. You probably will, but just to give you some perspective: I felt very sorry for my h and got him to come home from Heathrow the first time he left, even though I knew he had been searching internet sites and had taken all our money (he did it all again 2 weeks later and went for good and I didn't try to stop him that time)and yet when he got back and it started falling apart, he blamed me. He said in his school-boy whine 'why did you ask me to come back if you were going to be horrid to me?' ...um, I was a bit horrid because he told me he intended to shag prostitutes and take drugs. And I asked him to come home because he was my husband, because we had a 6 month old baby boy and because I thought he was having a nervous breakdown.

When I realised he had planned it all and bought the condoms and the knife and packed his suitcase and nicked the 20K - and certainly once he had gone and I found out that he had not been marking any of his pupils work atschool for a year - well, I stopped feeling sorry for him.

I am going over my old bollocks-story again but only to try and say to you: Look HF, these people tug on all your heart strings and it works because we are nice people. When you are a few months down the line from this, you will see him for the monster he really is. But he won't scare you anymore.

Regarding the divorce: I don't know what to advise apart from do you HAVE to divroce him now? This was my main driving force in the immediate aftermath of H going: I wanted to cut my ties with him as I didn't want to be soiled by him one moment longer (once he had shown his true proclivities for hookers and porn and thai ladyboys etc). But after two months, as the money flew out of my already fleeced purse I realised that divorce was not the main event.

It was healing myself and making a few new friends and looking after my wonderful baby son and conserving cash to keep me sane and feed my boy that was the priority.

How about you just stop bothering with the divorce? Realise that this is about you and your new life, without this farting greedy slurping slob molesting you? Take up a couple of those dating offers. Go out and enjoy yourself for an hour or two and see how it feels.

He is not in control of you. He thinks he is...they think they control the world.

Just say NOTHING and he will keep paying the mortgage. He will be confused. He will blame you of course. Blame you schlame you.

As for narcissism being a fashionable label: that is a larf because my H liked everything to be the best and the tippy-top most expensive label. But he hated labels to be on show: Posh had to equal Subtle in his book.

He was so posh and well educated he flew to bangland to shag whores.

Nice. Posh.
TOL!
(Tumble Over Laughing)

[hurtandfoolish]

Doing nothing makes sense , i see that, but i feel i need someone / something to acknowledge that what hes done / doing is wrong , as in divorce HIM instead of leaving it for 2 years.

Also feel angry when i think about ow feeling smug and clever shagging my dh, even though he is crap in bed and stinks he is married to me and i feel that shes taking the piss.Not important i know.Maybe she likes smelling his feet and is flattered by the premature ejaculation.Maybe she stinks too and is also a nose picker? Idiot.

A divorce would make him, in my eyes, become her boyfreind instead of my husband.

Then she can sniff his feet and she can be the one having to fend him off while he molests her.
He can pull her hair while they have sex and pound at her and hurt her.And shell soon learn not to let on it hurts cos hell do it harder.
Sick disgusting man.

I have an image of him in my mind and its one i am going to think of often.He once went running to the toilet ( he often did that and would frequently look like he was going to shit himself , even clutching his backside on occasion ).
Anyway, he went running to the loo to empty himself of the immense amount of food hed eaten.
Hours later i noticed something in the back of his shirt and pointed it out.It was BOG ROLL and i dont need to say what it was covered in.
He tried to blame it on the kids but its quite obvious he cant even wipe his own arse.
Dirty stinking fartface.

[AnyFucker]

h+f I have just come back to this thread

I have no advice to add to the wonderful UA's input

but you sound like the most wonderful woman and I genuinely have tears of laughter streaming down my face at your depiction of this fuckwit man

you sound like a right larf and some other man is going to get the benefit of your bloody great personality

[nooka]

h&f I know that whilst you are glad to see the back of your dh (would you like to start calling him your ex - it is a strange step I found) you are also hurt and angry that he has an OW. However I really think you should let that go. Why are you caring what she may or may not be experiencing? It's not likely to be good - and even if it is good, you have to focus on you, and your feelings, and your future.

I would go back to the solicitor and check what you can do next, and then decide how to take things forward. I'm not sure that who divorces who makes that much difference any more, or who would care that you had the moral ground, or indeed if you would. Certainly the two year separation divorces are simpler and cheaper and less stressful.

It sounds like your friends always thought you were the better person, and that you are realizing you truly are better off now. Could you look at how you could celebrate that? Something new life for you perhaps? Maybe an interesting holiday, or a new interest (I'd recommend a style consultation - mine made me so much more confident in how I looked and felt), or something special to do wit your children?

Good move to tell your friends. I'd advise you to lean on as much support as is offered, and not feel bad about doing so. As someone who has been on both sides of the supporting thing it is a real pleasure to be asked for support by a friend.

Finally I think that you need to be true to yourself. When my dh was behaving really badly I took great pride in being the one with the moral high ground, and not doing anything that I might in any way feel ashamed of. It still is something that makes me feel good (I know that others have felt completely the opposite though - the catharsis of being a screaming banshee can also pay off I guess!).

The best revenge is a life well lived. Go live yours!

[hurtandfoolish]

Thanks so much for all your support. Spent a few days snivelling but am starting to feel a bit more positive.
As of now will refer to him as ex, hadnt realised i was still refering to him as dh.
For now will call him fatboy slim as its quite fitting.
I know im being nasty but its therapeutic.

Foolishly engaged him the other day which actually means i just cried while he ranted and screamed and emptied all his emotional shit onto me.
In fact , think thats the meaning of the saying " shit on someone ".
Quite like the sound of the style consultation, where would i go for this ?

[nooka]

I used someone from House of Colour, others have used Colour Me Beautiful. If you posted in the style section I expect someone might have a recommendation near you.

Don't worry about being full of rage one day and miserable the next. You are not becoming unbalanced and it is quite normal. After a while the extremes should become less, as you start to build your new life and your ex becomes less and less important.

[hurtandfoolish]

Thanks Nooka i will do that.Time to get on with things i think.Realised a lot of things lateley. Spoke to ex about a recent incidant in which the dcs were very upset.

He then rang dc very late at night in a rage to say " Your mum said your upset with me, is that right ?" Dc obviously denied this and as a result were very angry with me as i suppose they felt i had betrayed them.

Again realised how manipulative he is and how he will do anything he can to deny hes done anything wrong.

Whenever i have tried to discuss anything with him in the past he has exploded.Whenever i have needed emotional support he has exploded.
I guess its because im asking him to do something he simply doesnt know how to do.

[N1]

If you were emailing him, you wouldn't need to talk to him as often and you can choose a time to reply. You wouldn'yt need to hear him.

Reducing the opertunities he gets to see you reacting also reduces the number of times that you might react to him.

The turn on the child is also to get at you. The less you say, the better, unless it's nutural.

[hurtandfoolish]

Have suggested we cease contact and email if theres something important.Foolishly i have engaged with him on the phone.
I guess he needed another " fix " and i stupidly allowed this.
Early days , i will learn.

Mentioned him upsetting the dcs as i do not want them him upsetting them as i know they will stop seeing him if it carrys on.Realise i am not responsible for his relationship with them but is hard when i see them upset.One dc is already saying she wants nothing to do with him and i suppose i tried to smooth this over.

Am getting better, did not cry or take on board the vile things he was saying , its not true and i know it, while he was ranting i just imagined him with his giant gut wobbling and rippling with the effort of him shouting.He probably consoled himself afterwards with a meal large enough to feed half the third world then spent the rest of the night sniffing his own farts.

Nasty and childish i know, but helps thinking about him in this way. If i think about how nice he could be when he was remembering to act i will miss him . It want real, and he wasnt real.

[N1]

Do I detect that you seem to want to talk to people about your sitaution more? Could the people you are talking to (in your view) not understand and feel what you think they should be feeling? So it's getting to the point where you feel that the people you are talking to are not satisfying you after you have spoken?

or am I wrong.

[nooka]

Good tactics there! Let all the bile wash over you, and just say the things you need to say. Over time I suspect you will feel less and less need to contact him, but for now it is probably a habit to turn to him, even though you know he will be useless, annoying and upsetting.

Have you talked to your children about how they feel and what they think its the way forward? Not to make them responsible for any decisions or anything (I think it is very important not to put adult responsibilities on children - even teenagers) but more to agree on a management plan that you al feel OK about. So for example they may want you not to say anything about them to their dad just in case it comes back to them. I think it is probably a good idea to get these sorts of feelings on the table, so you are all less exposed.

[hurtandfoolish]

Thanks nooka.
Think for now he is welcome to email me if theres anything important , and i think its best if i avoid contact with him as much as possible.
By that i mean he collects the children and takes them to his place instead of spending time here.

The dcs are extremeley angry with me, they feel this is unreasonable . They also feel that we ( me and ex) have involved them in this and are very angry, they may have a point there.
Previously they have asked about the house and i have explained that for now nothing will change but that eventually we will probably move.
At times this has looked like its going to have to happen sooner as ex wouldnt pay the mortgage and was insisting on a sale. They feel i have burdened them with this and i suspect i have.

One dc can be a dominating charecter and a discussion about ex coming to the house turned into an abusive explosion. I was called an fxxxxxx bxxxx and told that no wonder ex treated me the way he did , no one can stand me , not ex, not the kids and not exs family. It took a turn for the worse when i pointed out that i understand there angry but wont put up with verbal abuse and insults. Was told " yes, and why do we talk to you this way , its because you deserve it and dont start your psyco babble ".
Dc repeatedly screamed " why dont gran and grandad like you ? Go on, why dont they , its cos your a bxxxx ".
It is not possible to get a word in edgeways and like their dad they will induldge themselves in this then storm of leaving me shocked and upset.

Also commented that im always burdening them with financial issues. I dont feel this is true, when asked for something i have had to remind them that our income is limited and the particular thing they want is not a priority. One of these conversations was about getting a new tv !

One dc in particular has adopted a lot of exes postures and phrases . Maybe they have learnt to communicate this way, and if so i shouldnt have let it happen.
Part of me wonders that if everyone is saying the same thing there must be an elemant of truth in it. One person might be wrong but my ex, my dcs and my inlaws ?

Feel like a complete failure today .

[N1]

Children learn to copy. You might have allowed things to happen, which (if you look at your history) would seem obvious. However, the important thing for you to keep in mind is that you have realised that things were not good AND you have taken a conscious step to get away from a particularly nasty situation.

A failure is someone who gives up and does nothing. They don't care and don't try. They roll over and play dead. Nothing in any of your posts suggest that you are a failure. There might be things that you could have done better in your past, but that doesn't make you a failure. It makes you a learner and possibly a teacher because you have to teach yourself about helping yourself get things back on track. If you can't do it yourself, then you need to be able to ask someone (not SS). One way or another, you sound like you are progressing. A person who sounds like they are progressing cannot be seen as a failure.

The children wanting a new TV. There are changes to be made in any new situation. Some changes are helpful some are not. Some changes mean a step forward and others mean a step back. If the child is materialistic, then give the child the option, food for a month or a new TV. Put £50 in a pot and explain to the children that if they can help save the money for a TV, you can get one. Feed the children bread and water or rice and gravy in small portions. A small amount of hunger will soon teach a person that food is more important than a new TV, but if you have children who are so materialistic that they have to get what they want at any cost, the children might resort to stealing to get that TV.

Sadly, you are on the receiving end of everyone because you took the step to make changes. There was little that could prepare you for all the effects of your step, but I am sure that you did imagine that some of the effects would be negative. You know the truth and you have life experience. The child is still a child. Till they have felt what you have, they will never know the difference. You obviously don't want them to know how you felt because the feeling is bad. Keep your head up, stand firm and correct the things that you can.

If the child thinks it's so rosy at their father, perhaps the child wants to spend a bit more time there. How old is this child?

If everyone is saying something bad about you, go to find a person who knew you before you got together with the ex and see if they think that you are as bad as others claim. You should get a helpful answer there.

[hurtandfoolish]

The dcs are in their teens so capable of understanding whats acceptable.

[N1]

Teen children should know the diffrence between right and wrong. If bad habits have formed, sounds like you have your hands full. Nine the less, someone has a job to do.

Have you read the book - the seven habits of highly effective managers by Steven Covey? If you have a few days with odd parts of available time, that book gives you plenty of ideas about how to think and plan. I use the concepts given in that book regularly.

and - remember, if you were a failure, you wouldn't care and would give up.

[nooka]

Owch! Poor you. I guess it is inevitable that your children may have picked up on some of your ex's bad habits. I think you should try thinking that that makes it even more important that you have made this move now. Plus teenagers are (often) incredibly self centred, not because they are nasty, but because it is an age where you are busy gowing into an adult and it doesn't leave much space to think about other people. Are you making sure you spending some time with people who like you and are sympathetic? I think you need to recharge your self esteem batteries. Some people have found doing things like witing themselves little positive lists and sticking them up in places you regularly look is really helpful. All about positive self-reinforcement. Things like "I am a strong person", "I will get through this and life will get better", "Tomorrow will be a good day" or silly things that make you smile like "I have great legs" or "I make the best spagetti bolognaise" whatever you like really, so long as you know it is true (you have to write it when you are feeling positive". Otherwise are you working? It can be a good boost to self esteem to do a job well, even if it is trivial, plus work can be a place to get positive feedback. Could you think about studying something new maybe? It's good to plan for new horizons to open, and lots of peole start second careers later in life now.

[GettingaGrip]

My son used to speak to me very disrespectfully, just like his father did of course. Now I have left and been on my own for a couple of years, and I have told him that his behaviour is not acceptable, he has completely changed. He is back to how he was when he was little. Fun and loving, rather than treating me like something on his shoe.

It has taken hard work on my part, as of course every time I pulled him up he would clear off to his dad's. His dad does not ever discipline him. It had to come from me. I persevered and eventually the nice lad came back again.

I just kept telling him that I love him, and want him to grow into a good man. I have been consistent and tried my best. I think it is working...I hope so.

His father's family idealise him and he knows this, but I don't want a spoilt brat with no regard for women as a son, so I just keep plugging on.

[hurtandfoolish]

Thank you for your support and kind words, i am feeling very low and it means a lot. I am not working , i had to quit as i could not afford the massive mortgage payments after being swizzed. I am now on benefits and receiving help with the interest on the house.Realisticly i need to move but cannot face it just yet.

I am looking into some voluntary work as i am aware my self esteem is at rock bottom. Freinds have been fantastic and its made me realise what loveley people they are.

I have made docs apointment as i think i am depressed.I frequently dissolve into tears then seconds later fel such rage its unbeleivable. I dont feel safe going out as i dont trust myself not to burst into tears.
Anyway , i am going to the hairdressers today so fingers crossed they,ll be no tears.

I was right to boot him out, right not to let him come back as i knew deep down he didnt love me .Despite that a little part of me wanted to be wrong.
I honestly didnt expect to feel this way once it was confirmed.

I have never suffered from depression, how would i know if i am ? Will medication help or will i simply mask it?
I have aproached my gp in the past and been told that what im experiencing is a normal reaction to a horrible situation.He said i can either plough through it now, or rely on tablets to mask it and deal with it at a later date.

Is this right ? Is this how it would work? I know i need to do things to make myself feel better, but could do with a kick start.I have honestly never felt so down and low.Actually sat here yesterday and found myself thinking about how easy it would be to opt out. Thats ridiculous i know scary to find myself even thinking it.

[mitfordsisters]

Perhaps your gp has a point, but I recognise that your feelings must really seem intolerable sometimes, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts.

Please post or talk to a friend or even ring samaritans when you need to as you will find the support you need - even if you have become used to being denied it by the ex.

There are some things that can take the edge off - stiff drink, deep breathing, sleep, a nature walk, bach or mozart.

You are doing so well and so bravely - from your descriptions of his behaviour I know you have been through hell - and have so done the right thing now by ending the relationship.

[nooka]

Your GP sounds incredibly unhelpful. Is there someone else in the practice you could see instead? It shouldn't be soldier on or take pills (and in any case many people find ADs very helpful) you should have the option for therapy too. I know that the last person you saw wasn't very helpful, but if you see someone skilled they really should help you steer a way through your emotions to a happier place. Or is it possible you minimized how you were feeling when you saw the GP (incredibly easy to do) so that they thought you were really coping OK?

That's a good story GettingAGrip I am sure your son will thank you for your consistency when he is old enough to reflect back, and perhaps has the ability to form proper relationships and be happy in himself.

Could one of your friends perhaps help you with thinking bout finding a smaller place of your own? It sounds like it is a big burden - is the ex paying up all he should? It could be a good opportunity for a new start, but perhaps when you are feeling a bit more grounded.

[N1]

I do accept that anti depressants help a person feel good (or feel better) but I do have to wonder if reducing the feelings a person has is the better way to deal with problems.

In effect (and if I understand correctly) the feelings of worry and upset are blocked by a chemical so the level of worry is less but the severity of the problem doesn't feel as bad.

By accepting anti depressants, it seems that you are asking a person who looks at your clinical feelings to decide if you are emotionally strong enough to coupe. If the person who doesn't know enough about the real issues thinks your feelings should be partly blocked, you get drugs.

It shouldn't be arguable that a suicidal person given drugs might make them less suicidal. Though I sometimes think that a person feeling suicidal learns from that experience and they pull through being more experienced after and they have a far better level of understanding about themselves.

Gaining a trustworthy close friend or best friend (in my view) is far better than any counseling or drug. you take your best friend with you as you grow older and you and the friend(s) can reflect on the past when the conversation comes up. That conversation is harder to have if you didn't have close friends. Friends are the family you choose.