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Original poster

What constitutes an 'emotional' affair?

52 replies

sowhatis · 19/01/2009 18:10

Can someone help - am a regular but obviously needed to change names!

just as the title says really - what do you all consider as an affair? does sex always have to be involved? i.e. what is an emotional affair?

Hoping you can help

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 18:21

No one?

OP posts:
fruitshootsandheaves · 19/01/2009 18:23

I would say flirting without openly sexual remarks but that could be anyone then so its probably more than that. Sorry that was a completely useless answer

mrsmaidamess · 19/01/2009 18:25

I would say an emotional affair is when you are investing more of yourself into a relationship with a member of the oposite sex than you invest in your partner, to an unhealthy extent.

For example, a good friend of mine , her dh spent hours trawling around the shops looking for the 'perfect' gift for a close woman friend he worked with. He even illicted his wife's help. What made it terribel was the fact he bought her a spanner set and an atlas for her birthday. It broke my friends heart, but he could see no wrong in it. I think she felt more betrayed than if he's slept with her.

abedelia · 19/01/2009 18:26

Emotional affair - my definition would be falling in love / infatuation with the other person. Things such as meeting up / emailing /texting or spending ages on the phone and talking about how they feel so much for each other and wish they could be together if it wasn't for the irritating OH's either one has - who incidentally they should never have been with were it not for the kids / fact they settled for less than they wanted in love/life or had fallen out of love with.

To summarise, declarations of undying love, spending time on this to the detriment of their OH or family and hiding all the above because they know if they were found out they'd be deep in the poo or more likely slung out. To add - when found out, all the above words are miraculously revealed as being intensely embarrassing and sayer suddenly wishes they'd never said them as they feel about 14

BitOfFun · 19/01/2009 18:31

Agree with abedelia...it's crap for the person cheated on like this. Seeing your partner mooning around pining must be such a kick in the guts, even if they haven't slept together.

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 18:32

thank you.

so emails, texts, instant messaging does count?

there are no declarations of undying love, but just lots of 'i want you' blah blah (with lots of stuff being said that you wouldnt say face to face IYSWIM).

the other halves are not being slagged off at all - but its obvious as this is going on more and more that we both arent happy with other halves as otherwise we wouldnt be doing this.....

its been going on (more intense periods than others) since last Aug.

its damaging isnt it? or is it just flirting that you wouldnt want your other half to find out about?

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 19/01/2009 18:35

If its not something that you would be comfortable with your OH finding out about, or more importantly DOING ,then yes it is damaging.

TotalChaos · 19/01/2009 18:37

agree with both mrsmaidamess points - that it's about investing emotional energy on the other person, and about saying things you wouldn't want your OH to know.

BitOfFun · 19/01/2009 18:37

It's got all the hallmarks- dishonest and disloyal, and very hurtful.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2009 18:38

Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical ones and is seen as a betrayal. Emotional affairs often lead to intercourse as well.

It is indeed investing more of yourself into a relationship with a member of the opposite sex than with your own partner/spouse.

How to your knowledge did this all start?. Emotional affairs between work colleagues are certainly not unknown.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2009 18:39

An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage, but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship.
In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other party and may experience increasing sexual tension.

If you believe that a person's emotional energy is limited, then if your spouse is sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else, an emotional affair has developed.

Although cheaters are often guilt-free in an emotional affair because there is no sex involved, their spouses often view an emotional affair as damaging as a sexual affair.

Much of the pain and hurt from an emotional affair is due to the deception, lies, and feelings of being betrayed.

Northernlurker · 19/01/2009 18:40

Sowhatis - imo that's not flirting. That's an affair. If you are still in doubt reverse the positions and think about how you would feel if your other half told you he had been involved in a situation like you have been since August.
I think you need to stop this now.

abedelia · 19/01/2009 18:40

sowhatis - yes, they count. It's what is being said, not the method of delivery. The OHs aren't being mentioned owing to guilt, if you haven't figured that out - it does kind of spoil the mood to mention that you are being a dishonest, hurtful s**t to people who love you! Of course it is damaging - have a sit down and a cup of tea and imagine how the OH would feel if they read it all. Or how you'd feel if you found the OH doing the same with someone else. If you honestly wouldn't care about the latter then it is time to be honest, save your dignity and go before it becomes more, safe in the knowledge that you aren't destroying someone for the sake of a few teenage emotions or a quick shuffle.

Dior · 19/01/2009 18:42

Texting/emailing - yes

Emotional affair is if you have feelings for someone else, without (yet) acting on them.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 18:43

It depends very much on what boundaries you have discussed and set within your primary relationship ie with the partner you are officially 'with'. Some people are desperately insecure and will not allow their property partners to have any kind of unspied-on contact with any remotely attractive other person; other people don't mind anything short of actual penetration... and some people simply don;t want or expect sexual exclusivity in a relationship.
FWIW no one individual can meet all of another invididual's needs for friendship, advice, support, company, affection etc and if you are one of these people who thinks that your primary partner should be 'everything' to you then you really do need to make sure you pairbond with someone similarly inclined.

BitOfFun · 19/01/2009 18:54

Maybe stepping away from the Internet for a while would help, take the sim out of your phone and cut it up, get a new number. You sound pretty well advanced on a path of self-destruction though, and you'll probably feel pretty stupid when two families lie in ruins. It would be nice to think you could be a bit rational.

Lurkinaround · 19/01/2009 18:58

If you're not happy with your respective partners then at least have the decency to discuss it with them and try to put things right or end it so at least they can get on with their lives, with or without you, with some dignity.

I understand why people have affairs but have some respect for your partners at least before you go any further.

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:03

Thank you - this is what i needed to hear.

my OH would be devestated. I expect so would his OH.

for the poster that said about work colleagues - it isnt, its an old flame from 10yrs ago. we had sex lots, though no poper relationship and both kinda wish the other one had havev said more at the time. we are both now married with kids.

i agree that stepping away from internet would help.

i know i have to stop, and me and OH are in trouble regardless of me doing this, there havev been issues for years, but i do owe ihm honety and will have to stop.

but the child in me is screaming I DONT WANT TO STOP. its escapism from reality of daily life i guess.

OP posts:
solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 19:07

Can you sort out the issues with your OH? Is he abusive, useless, a drunk, or someone with no libido? If your marriage is miserable then it not surprising you have been cheered up by an online flirtation, but basically it shows you need to address what's up with your marriage - either fix it or plot your escape.

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:09

someone with no libido. he is otherwise a good bloke. we have discussed it and he even went to the doctor - who said there was nothing wrong.

OP posts:
solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 19:16

OK, if he has no libido, is he happy for you to get your sexual needs met elsewhere? Or does he think you should just have sufficient self control to live sexlessly like he does? I have said before that when there is a libido mismatch between partners, then it has to be addressed, and if the partner with the lower libido won't make any effort to increase his/her libido he/she basically loses the right to sexual ownership of the other person.

Northernlurker · 19/01/2009 19:17

You know that ancient saying about the grass being greener.....? It isn't, it's the same grass. Libido and sex in general is a huge issue that you have to address together - but there are no answers for the future of your marriage in being close to someone else. The only thing your current affair will do is fuck thing up even more.

Lurkinaround · 19/01/2009 19:20

I can understand why completely. For what it's worth my ex (together 6 years) had several 'emotional affairs' (well, he may have slept with them but he never admitted it) and one that was constant was someone he'd met years before but they never got together as the time was never right. Our relationship almost did me in as he wouldn't have sex with me, claimed he'd lost his libido but would be off getting involved with other people whilst coming across as a completely sincere and straight-down-the-line kinda guy to me and my DDs.

It almost destroyed me and during our relationship I started an affair with someone from work because I was so desperate for attention and intimacy. I never hid the fact but exP never questioned where I was when it was quite obvious something was going on. I would have ended it like a shot if he'd confronted me.

I also wish he'd said from the start 'I don't fancy you' rather than stringing me along all that time and promising it would get better. I was a mug to put up with it for so long.

So I can see it from both sides really but I do strongly urge you to try and sort out your current relationship or end it. Your partner, and you, deserve a better life than the one you've got currently if, as you say, you're both so unhappy. Finding bonds with another is just going to make you feel more distant from your partner. Concentrate on sorting out your home life for a while and then see if the other man still seems so attractive when/if you're free to be together. If he is then you'll know it's the right thing to do.

Lurkinaround · 19/01/2009 19:26

x posted. So your partner has no libido either (well, mine SAID he didn't).

I really do feel for you. As I said, it nearly destroyed me because I felt ugly and unwanted. I don't think sex is the most important thing but when you don't even feel like your partner fancies you and there is no intimacy of any kind (I used to get kissed on the forehead like a pet and told 'But I love you' which was supposed to make everything alright) it's farking soul-destroying.

You need to sort it out. I thought I could sacrifice the sex because the rest of our relationship was so good. It would have been a long, lonely life though. Anyway, it was all bollocks in my case. He did want sex he just didn't want it with me.

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:26

Thank you.

If i initiate sex then gerneally we do it, but if i dont then he wont. i stopped initiating as im fed up of it being me all the time.

he is caring and lovley etc and everyone loves him and would be devestated if i called it a day with him - not to mention the children - i dread to think.

even after talking this weekend about his sex drive - he didnt initiate anything.....

if bluntly asked if he doesnt find me attractive etc, he says he does. he likes cuddles but not alot else.

im being driven mad, im not even old and feel like im 60. i want to go out and do things and he wants to watch tv every night (a whole other issue!)

this is why OM seems to appealing - we have history, and it doesnt help that i know his family really well and we all get on so well.

i wish 10yrs ago one of us would have had the balls to say something........

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