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Original poster

What constitutes an 'emotional' affair?

52 replies

sowhatis · 19/01/2009 18:10

Can someone help - am a regular but obviously needed to change names!

just as the title says really - what do you all consider as an affair? does sex always have to be involved? i.e. what is an emotional affair?

Hoping you can help

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:29

p.s. he would not be happy for my sexual needs to be met elsewhere. nooooo way!

i felt unattractive for a long time - and consequently let myself go a bit. have since rediscovered myself and loving life a lot more!

OP posts:
Lurkinaround · 19/01/2009 19:33

Has he always been the same, sowhatis? We never even had that first few months of frantic and all consuming torrid sex. But that was ok because we were 'soulmates' (I told myself)

It's especially hard when you have had good sex in other relationships. I stopped initiating or trying to initiate in the end because I couldn't stand the inevitable brush off (quite literally).

You really have to decide if you can live like this or whether the other facets of your relationship make up for the lack of sex. Have you tried counselling?

mrsmaidamess · 19/01/2009 19:35

sowhat, do you think anything would be gained by telling your dh that you are in such despair about the state of your sex life you have been tempted elsewhere? Would that shock him into getting some treatment?

NewAmazingBeginning · 19/01/2009 19:35

Please don't go there.

it so is not worth it in any way.

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:37

i think he has always been the same. after the first yr i got v ill (he was a star) and so i didnt really notice, then had kids etc etc.

its only in past 18mths this has really got to me.

we were v close to splitting last yr and my parents actually text him to offer support - and not me.....

everyone loves him, and he is a genuinly good man with lots of lovely attributes, but i NEED sex - and to feel sexually desired - not just loved IYSWIM.....

suggested counselling - even on saturday and he said we can deal with it ourselves - we cant - i know we cant - but he thinks being all 'caring' and 'considerate' towards me makes me feel loved - i want to feel desired though.

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:40

mrsm, he saw a conversation online between me and OM last yr - then gave me a cuddle the next day and said it was ok and nothing happened - that is when i wanted out as i thought he should be more worried, and that he may love me, but didnt 'want' me.

the reason im finding it so hard to call it off with OM is that i find all of the conversations so exciting - nothing like i get with OH, and nothing that will ever change.

OP posts:
Lurkinaround · 19/01/2009 19:50

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Being loved is great but you can get that from friends and family! It's a shame your DH is not willing to go for counselling. I bought books on the subject but he wouldn't read them with me, we tried Relate but just after the first session his mother died so that kind of took over and, in fact, bought us closer for a while (still no sex though) but, anyway, my situation was slightly different from yours. I tried nagging, I tried not mentioning it, I tried dressing up, I lost weight and nothing worked. I felt really shallow for placing such importance on it and I'm not even highly sexed - once a week would have done! Or less! A good snog would have done or a pat on the bottom. Anything!

I always felt like, if he had some medical condition that meant he couldn't have sex then I could have coped with that if he had at least had the desire for me. Because sex isn't just about penetration there are lots of other things you can do. He just wouldn't though.

I'm not being much help really am I?

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:53

thanks for all your help lurkinaround - i do 'know' u from other posts!! i have done all that u did - it creates an inerest then nothing again for a while.......its doing my head in.

i said if i sent u an naughty email/txt at work, wouldnt it make u want me etc, i.e. want sex when he got in, and he said no as he didnt think about sex - where exactly does that leave me?

i do sometimes wish he was having an affair - but i am 99% sure he isnt - sex just doesnt cross his mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 19:56

lurkinaornud - agree with 'even once a week, pat on the bottom' etc - if only!!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 19/01/2009 20:13

It sounds to me then that this isn't viable as a marriage It doesn't seem like you are just hankering after a bit of romance or are bring silly and unrealistic out of boredom.

That said, it isn't really fair to drag someone else into it- it will still be a horrible hurtful mess. Can you sit down and make your husband understand that this isn't fair, and that you need to separate if he can't meet you halfway?

You sound really unhappy, I hope you can work it out x

Original poster
sowhatis · 19/01/2009 20:20

thanks BitOfFun, I have tried talking to DH, and it just gets me down more and more - he wont or cant change - and if the 'desire' isnt there i need to be able to move on.

no one will understand if i decide to split with him though, least of all my family.

understand what you are saying re dragging someoen else into it, and every time OM has said about meeting up etc, i always say no and that this is just a bit of a laugh etc, but i do care for OM alot, but it wont ever be long term.

OP posts:
solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 20:28

Sowhat: if your DH will not make any effort to address something that is very important to you and is making you miserable (the lack of sex) then he is not a lovely bloke. He's a selfish one, who thinks that if he's happy, that's all that matters, and your unhappiness is not important.
Lurkinaround, your XP sounds like a prize shit as well. WHy did he marry you if he wanted sex with everyone but you? It must have been horrible for you.

Lurkinaround · 19/01/2009 23:25

Oh, I didn't marry him. We met when my DDs were still quite young though. He did a lot of crappy things but at the beginning it seemed perfect. I was besotted with him. I found out later that he was seeing two other people when he started seeing me but I forgave him (a few times as it goes) until eventually I found out he had had sex with someone (I never had proof the other times although that shouldn't have made a difference) and he was ready to move on after I caught him out. No doubt I would have let him have another chance if he'd begged me like before.

I was basically a meal ticket and an instant family he could parade around and pretend to be the real family man with. He was good to the girls but we don't have any contact now (that's another story). He is a shit but he covers it up so well that noone would suspect it of him.

Anyway, sowhatis, my experience is different to yours and I hope I haven't planted any seeds of suspicion about your DH. When I look back the signs were there from very early on but I chose to ignore it and believe his denials. It's entirely possible that your DH just has a very low sex drive but it's unfair that he's not willing to compromise and work to make things better when he knows it's making you unhappy. And there's nothing worse than empty promises and endless meaningless 'I love you's' - then you realise another six months has passed and still nothing's changed.

I'm so much happier now even though the bloke I met after splitting with exP chose not to stay around when I got pregnant. Sod's Law - no sex for years then I finally start enjoying a good sex life and fall pregnant! That's when I decided to stay single and concentrate on my family. Best thing I ever did. I'd rather be on my own than be the shadow I became when I was with cheating ex.

I think it's coming to make or break time for you by the sounds of it? These things tend to progress one way or the other and decisions will have to be made. It does sound odd to other people, I think, if the reason for splitting is lack of sex but it's much more than that isn't it? And other people don't have to live your life. Do what's right for you in the long run.

NotQuiteCockney · 20/01/2009 07:31

Hmmm ... if you have sex when you initiate it, it's not lack of libido on his part - if he really had a libido problem, then he wouldn't be on for sex, at all. (It makes sense that your GP said there was nothing wrong - GPs can't fix this!)

It sounds like it may be a lack of confidence issue on his part. I'm sorry to hear he's not on for couples counselling. You can go to couples counselling on your own - or individual counselling - to sort out your thoughts on this.

I would think the downside of always initiating sex would be better than the downside of never having sex ...

MaryBS · 20/01/2009 07:39

How explicit have you been in telling him your needs and desires? Some men really need it spelling out to them...

Original poster
sowhatis · 20/01/2009 09:48

Hi All,

have spelt it out to him many a time. This issue first came about in a row a cpl of yrs ago - thats when he first realised i had a problem.

he apparently has found a list of counsellors that deal with this sort of thing. i think it is a mental issue - not physical.

hoping he will try to work this out and i will stop contact with OM and we MAY be able to work on 'us'. there are other issues - but this is a biggie for me.

OP posts:
abedelia · 20/01/2009 11:19

I know I was very harsh on you at first (before you had explained the full situation, so now I apologise). However, what comes through is that you do care for your partner and the life you have created and that you'd be sad if it all fell apart - you're just desperate for something to change. But before you take really drastic action that could screw it up forever do have a final go at fixing things - might even be good to say you were almost driven to an affair but pulled back because you care for him, though find loving him hard because he is being selfish (which he is!).

Original poster
sowhatis · 20/01/2009 12:11

Thank you.

I do want to try and fix it.

Have spoken to OH and he is very upset etc, but this isn't a shock for him really.

We will work on it from now and hopefully in 6mths or so it will be a different story.

Will really upset me but know contact with OM must stop - we can never be 'mates' there will always be sexual overtones to any convo.

I appreciate you all taking the time to reply. Thanks xxxxxx

OP posts:
abedelia · 20/01/2009 12:22

Good luck! Remember, you are idealising the OM and in a couple of months will hopefully look back and wonder what on earth you were seeing in him. He may be good at sex (the one thing you are currently missing, not exactly a coincidence!) but you really haven't much of an idea whether emotionally he'd be a good bet. You have legitimate reasons to be seeking comfort elsewhere but does he? His wife might be near perfect, he just fancies a bit of variety. And do you really, truthfully want someone who may be like that?

BitOfBarackyFun · 20/01/2009 12:26

You sound like you've got your head screwed on, I'm sure you'll be able to sort something out, whichever way it turns out. Hope it goes well

Original poster
sowhatis · 20/01/2009 14:18

Abdelia, I know his family and hear lots. Its not my place to comment on the wife, but everything is far from rosie.

Think we are both just wanting some fun - not a good thing i know.

Even if things don't work with OH, OM is never a long term prospect, its history that keeps us chatting etc and I am certainly not one to chase someone. I also don't want to be the cause of a divorce so will stop this now.

BitofBF (love the name change!, v v topical!) thank you.

OP posts:
abedelia · 20/01/2009 14:52

Cool, it's good that you know that about the wife and have decided. It will make life easier if you and OH can't sort things out. Obviously your OH is likely to be a lot more cooperative if you split as amicably as you can rather than because he's found something out, which is good for the kids. You have also been together so long it would be sad for you to lose your OH as a friend.

Original poster
sowhatis · 20/01/2009 18:14

Thanks Abedelia, appreciate all your comments - even the harsh ones, I agree with all of them!!

If I can remember this user name I may well come back to let you all knw if things work out!

Xxxxxxxx

OP posts:
BadMan · 29/01/2009 22:04

I'm a man if that wasn't clear enough from my nickname. I've only recently started posting so not sure if men are welcome.

My theory is that emotional affairs, husband with no libido etc is a self esteem problem. You need to feel good about yourself independently of these useless men. A husband who's too lazy to shag you and some guy who gets his rocks off flirting with you who has no intention of leaving his wife are a bit of a toxic combination.

Do some feel good things for yourself, get out more, change your lippy.

If you want to know if its a real affair, by the way, walk a mile in your husband's shoes. If you found the text messages, call logs etc on your husband's phone and you were pissed off - then its an affair. Even if you haven't slept with him, would anyone believe you if they read your emails, texts etc?

abedelia · 30/01/2009 10:20

BadMan - of course you are very welcome, it's good to get a male perspective on it all! Thanks and keep posting. And yes, they very rarely do leave their wives...