Educated woman/uneducated man - can it work?

[sparklet]

I'm divorced with a DD of 10 and have been with my current BF for coming up to a year. He treats me really well, is gentle and kind, we share some interests and he's the most wonderful lover I've ever had. We've talked about marriage and he's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I'm in no hurry as I want to get to know him really well first.

There's one issue in particular I want to be comfortable with and please don't think I'm a snob but I can't ignore certain signs. I'm highly educated middle-class, he's skilled working-class (a carpenter) and simply not as knowledgeable/cultured as I am through no fault of his own. We do have lovely talks about quite deep things but I have to be careful not to use long words and can't really share my love of music and literature with him. His manners are a bit suspect sometimes too! He has a bit of a chip on his shoulder and I have to be careful not to come across as too assertive or he gets upset. Also I'm finacially secure and although he's generous to a fault, he's not good with money and has very little to show for many years of hard work and earning decent money. I can't see problems arising as long as we just continue to date but I'm nervous about living together/marriage.

Z-O-M-B-I-E thread...

Poor manners are a turn off.

I am highly educated and intellectually confident. My job is where I go to use these facets of my personality.
It makes no difference to me if I use them socially or not.
If a man is nice, I would be attracted to him for who he is. He would have to be working, as that tells me he is motivated, but in what job I wouldn't care.
I think that the 'middle class' position you define yourself by is going to exclude many many nice parts about working class relationships and people.
Shame.
I think he needs to meet someone less critical of his position.

I don’t think you’re being ‘snobby’ either! Educational background, intellect and class etc all contribute to a person’s personality and values. We also all have our own personal preferences when it comes to our choice of partner. I would be no more compatible with a stereotypical privately educated type who’d had everything handed to them on a plate than I would to a stereotypical person who had left school at 16 with no qualifications. I use the word stereotypical because there will always be exceptions. I know plenty of people who left school with no formal qualifications but have better general knowledge and common sense than I do! Howeber, As others have said, we are naturally drawn to partners who are similar in terms of class and values but who also share the same interests. OP, if you get on well, could you continue the relationship without marriage or living together?

Haven't read the thread, but could've written your post. Been seeing a lovely guy but have kept him at arm's-length for the reasons you talk about.

You can have a good relationship with someone like this, but not a lifetime.

Intelligence is more important than education and class. Does he say things that sound a bit thick? Can't live with that long term.

FUCKS SAKE, WHATS WITH ALL THE ZOMBIE THREADS???

have to be careful not to come across as too assertive or he gets upset.

Red flag here I think. You can't be yourself without him getting upset

That's no way to live your life.

Aargh!

ZOMBIE!!

You are not a snob.
It can work, but the odds are against you.

Really snobby. M dp is not educated to degree level like me and I hate class systems but I am middle and he working. Makes no difference. He knows so much and can have extremely intelligent conversations. Just because some is not well educated doesn’t mean they are unintelligent or know very little!

not read whole thread but I wanted to say soemthing.
i was with a partner for many years who I loved very much however he was not as educated or cultured as me and I don't even consider myself very cultured. it didn't make much difference at first however as time went on I got sick of having to explain everything to him and not having the same interests in anything be it music theatre or film novels etc..
Also his grammar was appalling much more so than mine and when we went on to have kids they would pick up on the way he said stuff which drove me insane.
It led to a lot of arguments and I never felt that he 'got' me or understood me. I could never share anything with him as he wasn't bothered about stuff I was excited or happy or angry about. it contributed significantly to out breaking up. so I don't think u are being snobby I know exactly where you are coming from

I'm an academic, DH didn't go to university. He doesn't read books. But it works because he's intellectually curious, very up on current affairs. He recently finished a uni qualification at fifty and I'm dead proud of him :-) before we met I was always with other academics, but meh. I?d rather have kindness and a man who makes a brilliant dad.

For the benefit of any doubt......THIS THREAD IS 8 YEARS OLD.....

"I have to be careful not to use long words"

I think this is quite a big problem. If you can't use the word you want to use, you can't have a free conversation and I don't think it's snobby to have a problem with it.

I disagree about music and literature. If all men thought their girlfriends had to understand the off-side rule in football, or whatever, there'd be far fewer couples. I think it's fine to have separate interests.

"But it works because he's intellectually curious, very up on current affairs"

Yes, but OP's boyfriend isn't.

It can work if you love him for what he is unconditionally, and he accepts you and your accomplishments/ wealth without any ‘chippiness’ or resentment. As is evidenced by your post, this is no easy act to pull.

I have got a Masters Degree and distinctions in every educational qualification. My DH didn’t do well in his GSCEs at all and has got vocational qualifications. We have been very happy together. However, DH is very intelligent, more intelligent than me. He has got greater emotional shrewdness, social skills and better common sense. I certainly do not see him as inferior to me. Rather we have got different strong points and different things to bring to the table. He now earns a lot more than I did, too. In return, he lets me be as high-brow as I want, comes to classical concerts with me, art galleries etc. Lets me make choices about our children’s schooling and demand a lot more academics, extra tuition etc than what he would have bothered with.

I respect him for what he is, he is wonderful. From his side, he respects and admires me without feeling inferior or that it takes anything away from him. I fell in love with his quiet confidence and the security he inspired. He doesn’t expect or want me to dumb down in any way and lets me live my life how I want it doings the things I enjoy.

The gift that keeps giving this thread

I love how people post without skimming the main bits, it's not just a zombie thread, it's a DOUBLE ZOMBIE.

I reckon it could work if the OP learned how to hang a door, build some partition walls and learns to replace joists and floorboards in a rotting floor. When the carpenter comes home his woman would know the sort of background when she asks how his day has been and they can then have an intelligent conversation.

GaucheCaviar, I am with you. I find WC men a lot sexier/genuine/fun than starchy-mannered ‘repressed’ MC men, as educated as they may be. Anyway, education does not equal wit or intelligence.

Being sufficiently different keeps the interest going. If everything is similar, it is a sure way to boredom.

Deep down you don't have much respect for him and he deserves better.

I think the only thing I'd really worry about is the chip on his shoulder. You can't hide your true self and you true self threatens him that could be a problem. I think it's realistic for you to accept that he fulfils most, if not all of your needs, but he needs to accept that too.

THIS IS A 9 YR OLD ZOMBIE THREAD!

OP will presumably have made a decision by now....

I am working on my Bachelor's on political science, he is doing formation in nursing but I personally find it not enough, I wish he could at least have an associate degree... he is a really nice guy, lovely, sweet and he cares a lot about me...he loves me unconditionally but I feel like me being more educated than him might bring some problems in the future, I am trying to convince him to do his associate but he doesn't seem to be interested, i came from a very educated family, starting from my late grandpa to my uncles, aunts, my dad, cousins....everybody went to school they have PHD's, Masters, Bachelors......and all the girls got married to educated men and my family expect the same for me...I don't know what to do...when my parents found out about our relationship, they wanted to know his education level, I told them that he is doing his associate and might do his bachelor later....but that's not the truth cuz he doesn't even seem to be interested into doing his associate and my parents told me that I should not get married to a man who is less educated than me because he will have low self esteem which might lead to abuse... and myself whenever I think about I realize that they might actually be right..what should I do??? and one time he once told me that women tend to be above men when they start making more money than their husbands and he doesn't like that and wouldn't allow me to do that... I know that I wouldn't do that either but I don't know why he brought that subject.