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Original poster

Educated woman/uneducated man - can it work?

167 replies

sparklet · 18/01/2009 11:59

I'm divorced with a DD of 10 and have been with my current BF for coming up to a year. He treats me really well, is gentle and kind, we share some interests and he's the most wonderful lover I've ever had. We've talked about marriage and he's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I'm in no hurry as I want to get to know him really well first.

There's one issue in particular I want to be comfortable with and please don't think I'm a snob but I can't ignore certain signs. I'm highly educated middle-class, he's skilled working-class (a carpenter) and simply not as knowledgeable/cultured as I am through no fault of his own. We do have lovely talks about quite deep things but I have to be careful not to use long words and can't really share my love of music and literature with him. His manners are a bit suspect sometimes too! He has a bit of a chip on his shoulder and I have to be careful not to come across as too assertive or he gets upset. Also I'm finacially secure and although he's generous to a fault, he's not good with money and has very little to show for many years of hard work and earning decent money. I can't see problems arising as long as we just continue to date but I'm nervous about living together/marriage.

OP posts:
anapitt · 19/02/2014 23:55

I've always wondered how ancient threads get revived. This one is 5 years old. Don't suppose op is around to tell us the outcome. ?

anapitt · 19/02/2014 23:57

Very interesting debate nonetheless

LeadingToGadeBank · 20/02/2014 00:24

Compatability is about attitude, not interests/education/social skills, etc. in common.

You don't have the correct attitude to make your partnership work.

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/02/2014 00:24

Well spotted, anapitt. I hadn't even noticed!

(wonder if she married him? Grin)

msdiamant · 20/02/2014 00:30

In some ways it can be much more interesting when both partners have different interests, hobbies. He doesn't have much money but he might help you with children, housework, bring you a cup of coffee, cook a meal, clean after himself and be willing to change for better or learn new things. Not every DH can do it. And having a partner who is great in bed is a bonus. What would my DCs do if I shared my DH's interests in watching sport on TV? How many times a week would you need to talk or discuss books with your future DH? I am so glad that F1 is not shown daily but a weekend can be ruined.

msdiamant · 20/02/2014 00:31

Damn, I have just wasted time on an old thread.

msdiamant · 20/02/2014 00:32

Who dared to bring this thread again!?

VeryStressedMum · 20/02/2014 01:01

When I met dh I was more educated than him and more knowledgeable and cultured, he was a carpenter.
We liked, and still do, different music and I love to read he doesn't. I still read and he still doesn't. I've always used long words he says to me what the fuck are you talking about.

I like talking about everything, politics, history current affairs...but you know what just because he had a different upbringing and didn't have the same opportunities as me doesn't mean that he's thick he's very intelligent and can quite easily and happily talk about those things with me and with others.

However, I also talk a lot of crap, watch crap tv, slob about in crap clothes, sometimes I have questionable manners..I'm not special just because I got an education.

Over the years dh studied, pushed himself and worked bloody hard he's now in a very good job. He's now just as, if not more, educated and knowledgeable as me.

VeryStressedMum · 20/02/2014 01:02

Omg 2009 who did this??? Who!!??

VeryStressedMum · 20/02/2014 01:03

Where's sparklet, I need to know if she stuck with him.

randomfemale · 20/02/2014 01:06

#where is the zombie#

kentishgirl · 20/02/2014 12:32

OK, I know it's a zombie thread but it's an interesting idea to talk about.

I couldn't be with someone I had to really dumb down to. After my last relationship I couldn't be with someone who didn't talking about the things I like to talk about either, even though he was intelligent.

It's not about class background, or education though, it's intelligence and areas of interest. You get dumb well-educated middle class people, and very intelligent less-educated working class people.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 20/02/2014 13:18

He has a bit of a chip on his shoulder and I have to be careful not to come across as too assertive or he gets upset. Also I'm finacially secure and although he's generous to a fault, he's not good with money and has very little to show for many years of hard work and earning decent money.

urgh

DistanceCall · 20/02/2014 13:29

The fact that you need to dumb yourself down and avoid using long words or being "too assertive" is worrying, to be honest.

There's nothing wrong with not having had a good education - it wasn't his fault. But if he resents yours and feels threatened by your intelligence - instead of being curious, for example, and interested in learning - then it doesn't sound very good.

DistanceCall · 20/02/2014 13:30

Argh! Zombie thread.

FelineLou · 20/02/2014 14:11

A dear friend(with degree etc) close enough to talk "relationships" with was married to a working(physical) man.
They had a happy long marriage with all the ups and downs we all experience.
She accepted his taste in entertainment and he moved closer to hers.
They talked to each other.
Over the years they moved closer. Yes it can work but both should be ready to adapt a bit.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 20/02/2014 14:13

"I have to be careful not to come across as too assertive or he gets upset."

Sorry OP, this would have me running for the hills.

QuietTiger · 20/02/2014 14:38

This is not about "class" it is about shared values, tastes and belief systems.

This is not to brag, but to put things in context - I went to a top public school, am from a very upper-middle class wealthy professional family, with the associated trappings, have 3 good degrees, have traveled widely, have hundreds of books which breed, am well read, posh spoken accent, go to the theater, like classical music etc, etc.

My DH left his state school at 16 with no qualifications, is a "manual" worker (farmer), rarely reads (except the Farmers Weekly), has a regional accent, rarely traveled, etc. etc...

You'd claim that we were completely unsuited to each other based on our backgrounds alone.

Yet, I am married to the most amazing man. We are good friends, have shared values, a shared belief system, shared senses of humour, we like each others friends, he is kind, thoughtful and I am thankful every day that he is my DH. Our backgrounds are irrelevant, because we are happy with each other and who we are. Yes, we have our "challenges" but they are through general daily life challenges, rather than anything to do with incompatibility.

Yes, the relationship can work - DH and I are proof of that, BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, I don't notice our differences, I don't temper who I am or what my hobbies are with DH, I certainly don't measure my words so I don't use long ones, and I respect him for who he is utterly and I don't mean in a surrendered wife context, either - I mean in a I don't want to try and change him from who he is context.

WhateverTrevor83 · 20/02/2014 16:06

I went to university and am m/class (on paper)... cultured? Erm - I'm a National Theatre season ticket holder... but apart from that I'd rather be in Wetherspoons than at the opera.

But for what it's worth - I love a bit of high-viz! And yes yes yes - absolutely people can be together even if they're from different backgrounds and have different upbringings etc of course.

BUT if he's got 'a chip on his shoulder' and she's worried about it - then no... they shouldn't be together. But because of snobbery/said chip-on-shoulder, nothing to do with 'class'.

Ooh I wonder what happened...

WhateverTrevor83 · 20/02/2014 16:07

QuietTiger you're fella sounds great! LOVE a dishy farmer Grin

NearTheWindmill · 20/02/2014 16:13

It works for my mother. She's had looks and money - he's largely helped her spend it all but I don't think anyone else would have put up with her for 32 years and for that I give him a great deal of credit. He's not my father btw. At the end of the day he's a kind man.

Pippilangstrompe · 20/02/2014 16:44

I wonder if she is still with him? It sounds more like incompatibility than anything more.

anapitt · 20/02/2014 19:23

yes I'd love to know what happened to the op!

Needanswershelp · 15/11/2017 21:56

I dont think you are a snob. all i gotta say is at least he is working. let me use myself for an example. I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years, he is jobless, uneducated, has low-self steem. he is a great guy personally. I on the other hand is pursuing my education. while he sits at home and dose nothing. I cant wait until that day i leave his ass.

FabulousUsername · 15/11/2017 22:22

What stood out for me is that you have to stop yourself from being too assertive or he gets upset. Can you see yourself living like this long term, having to monitor yourself? You should be able to be yourself in a relationship... I see why you're thinking of it as a 'snob' thing but I don't think you should have to change yourself to be with someone. He sounds like a great boyfriend but perhaps not a long term prospect. Which is perhaps why your intuition is telling you something isn't quite right?