Husband is not the person I thought he was as far as I am concerned

[devastatedbeyondbelief]

I hope someone is up to help me at this time of night, I really don't know which way to turn.

Firsty I am a regular but have name changed because as well as being devastated I also feel completely humiliated. I usually post a lot in the miscarriage and conception threads so if anyone does recognise me please please don't out me to eveyone on mumsnet. I wouln't be able to face you all again.

It started off when I found some naked pics of women saved in documents on computer. i wouldn't have cared so much if he had just been looking at porn but these had been saved from social networking sites where could have made contact with these women IYSWIM although he swears blind he hasn't.

To make matters worse I found pics that he had taken of me that I did not know about- sleeping naked, sunbathing on my front and even one of my backside in the shower, he'd obviously put the camera around the shower curtain when my back was turned. I asked him why he had done this and he said he just did and promised that no one else has seen them

I then checked the internet history for the last few weeks and found that he had actually posted them on a social forum for people to comment on and there are endless comments from immature teenagers calling me a fat as, gross and making comment such as ''ewwww''. I am about three stone overweight and have very low self esteem.

I thought my dh was my rock, he has supported me through so much and is always telling me how wonderful I am and that he loves me. He has put up with my anxiety and depression over the years. My family think he is a diamond and so did I. How can you do that to the mother of your child and the person that you supposedly love. i don't get it. I have been up shouting at him all night while he just sits there saying bugger all apart from ''I don;t know why I did it, i know I did wrong and I 'm sorry but I know you'll never forgive me'' etc etc while he deletes all that shit off his computer. god am I even making any sense?

Crying buckets I don't know waht to do. Someone please come and talk to me

We all have different "deal breakers" and would draw the line in different places as to what would make us leave. Good luck with working it through, and I hope he puts a lot of thought and effort into regaining your trust.

I've been watching this thread but didn't feel I had anything to add over what others had said so not posted before.

Devastated - it sounds to me as if you want to save your marriage, and I can totally understand that. Honestly, I think it's what I would do in your situation, and I would be just as horrified and hurt as you. I do think that part of the relationship would always be a bit spoiled, but it will fade over time.

FWIW - I don't you're a pushover for wanting to at least consider if you can make it work. Not a bit. You're trying to protect your daughter from a pain you know only too well, and perhaps that's more important than what happened.

Hi Devastated.

I hope you aren't feeling too bad today and that you and your husband manage to work through this and regain the loving relationship it sounds like you've always had.

Unfortunately when our partners are so good, understanding, etc it only hurts more when they do something that it totally out of character. I don't think they ever do it to hurt us or even realise when they do it how much it will hurt us, but that doesn't stop the pain.

After going through something similar where I lost all trust in my DP we had counselling - both separate and together which I would say was a god send and here I am almost 2 years on not only more in love with DP than before but also trusting him again.

I think it would be good if you considered counselling. It would give both of you the opportunity to work through your own separate issues whilst also trying to work together to get over this and make things work.

Good luck.

Hello devastated. I'm so pleased that things seem to be on the mend. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure you are both frank about your feelings, no matter how painful. Only then can you start to build something again.

As I said before, my parents went through something very similar and, two years on, are stronger than ever. I think the hardest thing for my mum was mourning the 'death' of the marriage she'd had for over 30 years and start a 'new' marriage. I don't think it was ever possible for her to feel the same way about dad again, tho they have a stronger and deeper love for each other now they've survived the 'tsunami' of two years ago. I really hope this is something you manage to work through, for your sake and your DD.

Your DD is incredibly lucky to have such a level-headed, sensible and bloody brave mum like you.

Much love and luck for the future x

Noddy, thanks for the feedback. You maybe right that I have been hardened by experience and FWIW I think that makes me a lot short of perfect but I try to moderate my thinking to take it into account.
Anyway I was speaking subjectively and I still don't think I could be anywhere near as heroic as the OP.

If you looked on the computer's history, the sites listed may not necessarily have been sites he visited. It can be an automatic thing where if one visits a particular site, it will have pop-ups that think you've visited the site.

So, he's absolutely right about this...

Good that you're talking!

lovemydog I think that it would depend on the circumstances of the affair, but often affairs are a symptom of something that is wron in the existing relationship, and so I would want to look at the marriage and assess whether there was anything wrong to have caused the affair to happen in the first place. And if there was and we could work on what it was, then it would be possible to get past that and to rebuild the marriage. Obviously it would take time and would create trust issues, but people do rebuild relationships after affairs.

But this is different. There is no justification for taking pictures of your naked dw without her consent and then posting them on the internet. none. It is akin to posting them on a lamp post or in the national press - anyone can view them and you have no idea who is viewing them.

He is remorseful now - yes of course he is, because he's been caught. How many more times would he have done this if he hadn't? How much further would he have gone?

If my dh did this to me I think any trust would be broken. I would no longer feel comfortable being naked in his presence, it would remind me of what he had done with images of me. I would no longer feel comfortable taking a shower, or turning my back on him while getting dressed, or falling asleep naked, in case he got out his camera.

For me this is so so much worse than an affair because it would be a violation of me personally. if a stranger took a picture of someone naked and posted it on the internet then I would guess most people would feel utterly violated. This is no different. The only difference is that the person taking the photo was someone who was trusted. but the people viewing it are still strangers.

No-one has said that the op should leave her dh. Most people have said that they personally would, but it is of course the op's life and her marriage and up to her to make the decision.

Good luck devastated, I really think you've handled this so maturely.

How's it going, Devastated? I hope all is okay and that you are doing lots of talking xx