Husband is not the person I thought he was as far as I am concerned

[devastatedbeyondbelief]

I hope someone is up to help me at this time of night, I really don't know which way to turn.

Firsty I am a regular but have name changed because as well as being devastated I also feel completely humiliated. I usually post a lot in the miscarriage and conception threads so if anyone does recognise me please please don't out me to eveyone on mumsnet. I wouln't be able to face you all again.

It started off when I found some naked pics of women saved in documents on computer. i wouldn't have cared so much if he had just been looking at porn but these had been saved from social networking sites where could have made contact with these women IYSWIM although he swears blind he hasn't.

To make matters worse I found pics that he had taken of me that I did not know about- sleeping naked, sunbathing on my front and even one of my backside in the shower, he'd obviously put the camera around the shower curtain when my back was turned. I asked him why he had done this and he said he just did and promised that no one else has seen them

I then checked the internet history for the last few weeks and found that he had actually posted them on a social forum for people to comment on and there are endless comments from immature teenagers calling me a fat as, gross and making comment such as ''ewwww''. I am about three stone overweight and have very low self esteem.

I thought my dh was my rock, he has supported me through so much and is always telling me how wonderful I am and that he loves me. He has put up with my anxiety and depression over the years. My family think he is a diamond and so did I. How can you do that to the mother of your child and the person that you supposedly love. i don't get it. I have been up shouting at him all night while he just sits there saying bugger all apart from ''I don;t know why I did it, i know I did wrong and I 'm sorry but I know you'll never forgive me'' etc etc while he deletes all that shit off his computer. god am I even making any sense?

Crying buckets I don't know waht to do. Someone please come and talk to me

Devastated, you poor woman what a truly terrible thing to happen to you. I've read the thread and it does sound like you have a lovely husband who unbeknownst to you has a thing about seeing his wife have sex with another man. The questions are, can he live with the face that this is never going to happen? (I assume you're not in the least bit interested in this) and if he can live with it being just a fantasy can you in turn live with the knowledge that this is a turn on for him. If you can, then you have a compromise and once you've got over the initial hurt however long that takes, then you will still have a marriage.

The problem will be if either he feels that this fantasy is a must or you can't get over it. I don't envy you. However a good solid marriage is a great thing and I'd fight very hard to keep mine.

No you haven't overreacted, it's not about them being explicit. You were naked, you didn't agree to the photographs being taken and even if you had you didn't agree to them being shared. Would you secretly take a photo of a friend and post it on a website - no, not acceptable.

no i don't think you have overreacted.

and i don't think you have to or should have to think about the future right now. i think you should be where you are - devastated - and he should meet you where you are, as devastated as you are, and tell you why he did it, what he was thinking, why he thinks you don't know him and what he wants to happen.

then you can decide what happens next. which might be nothing, for a bit.

i'd second and third the suggestion of counselling. you poor woman.

from this distance,looking at the facts as you wrote in your op, i can see no reason to think that he doesnt love you a great deal.

however,he has made some STUPID decisions.

i really hope he can manage to earn your respect and trust again...may be in time you could give him the chance? (sorry if you have already said that you will, i havent read the whole thread)

I echo dittany, this is abusive and CRIMINAL behaviour, well beyond stupidity.
I don't know what you want to do next but this would be the end of any trust and respect I had ever had for him.

You have not over-reacted at all! He took photographs of you when you didn't know about it . It's horrible and I would be beyond furious. I think you are quite calm all things considered.

OMG
How unbelievably awful.
I can't imagine anyone doing such a wicked thing.

How are things today devastated? x

I have to say that I am really and at the comments from people saying he's obviously lovely and that he obviously loves the op etc wtf?

Maybe he does love the op but is that relevant? he has taken pictures of her without her knowledge or consent. And then, if that isn't enough, he has posted them on a public social networking site for people to pass comment on! And he's lied to the op and said that when the negative comments appeared he took the pictures down, which he clearly didn't as the op actually found them when searching through the internet history. They must still be there as the op knew what they were of.

Op only you know whether you can rebuild your relationship after this, but for me personally I could never trust him again.

I would consider this a betrayal above anything else. An affair/porn/even the sexual fantacy sites I could perhaps get past. but not this.

imho opionion he has treated you like an object and not shown any love or respect, just followed his own agenda

I am more worried that devastated has not returned to the thread, especially since I can fully relate to her feeling that she didn't want to confide in anyone in RL.
Please come back even if just to let us know you've managed to eat and drink and to get some rest.

Why Wannabe?

You think that an affair would be forgivable, but not posting photos of one's wife?

I think his actions in rl are infinitely more important than this seemingly isolated instance of madness, don't you think?

I'm back. I slept through til about 10 this morning. dh is off work today so I told him last night that he was doing the school run. We are in separate rooms. He brought me a cup of tea in about 5 minutes after I woke up and would have seen that I've taken my wedding rings off because I left them on the bedside table where he put the tea down. He didn't mention it though.

I know some of you may think that I'm being a mug for not making the decision to end my marriage now and I do welcome everyone's opinions. It's just that I really don't know whether I'm prepared to give up on something that I valued so much up until now. Only I know my dh and I'd ask you to believe me when I say that if you knew him and saw what he does for us as a family you would think that he was the last person capable of ever hurting me. I have to have time to work out whether we can get past this and still make our marriage work. My parents divorced when I was younger and to be honest my childhood from then on was pretty shit. I realise in some circumstances that divorce is the best option for some families but I have to also consider my dd as my priority in all of this also and all I can see is heartache for her if we decided to go our separate ways.

I am thinking much more clearly today. We had a long talk last night about it all when dd had gone to bed. I am not going to make any excuses for his behaviour and I am still bloody livid with him. No way am I going to label it a crisis of any sort but what is apparent is that even he feel that it was out of character.When he agreed that I didn't know him the other night he said that it wasn't to be taken in the sense that I did. What he meant was that he was in agreement, that he looks back on what he did and doesn't even recognise himself. He is sorry.To be honest if never seen anyone in such a state of remorse and he is not a very good actor so I know it's for real.

Without going into too much detail because I find in a bit uncomfortable to talk about, it would not appear that these sites he has been looking at is something that he is into. He says that someone on his social network site had posted a blog with a link to one of them and he looked. Then the other sites were interlinked with that site. He admits that he did find what he read and saw a turn on (to be honest I could see why any bloke might)but assures me that that is not 'his thing'. I have no reason to suspect that this has happened before the last couple of weeks. His computer usage is very little and he is not secretive about using it and does not use a computer at work. I think he just had a couple of private opportunities.

I did make him read this thread last night. I felt like I needed him to see that people validated how I was feeling and in some people's opinions how lucky he should feel that he was still under the same roof as us last night. It's not as if I can tell anyone in RL who could do that for me. he read it in the kitchen while I sat in the lounge and I could hear him sobbing. i didn't feel very sorry for him to be honest.

So that is where I am at the moment. No decisions made but still processing everything and thinking a lot more clearly. Please don't think that that makes me a pushover though, it's just that there have been so many bad things happen in my life, my marriage and dd was the exception to all of that and I can't help but feel that I should actually fight for it. Thanks eveyone for your comments and support so far, it has been much need.

Great to hear that he is remoseful, i wish you all the best in sorting things out. I'm glad you sound more upbeat and in control.

Thinking of you, devastatedbeyondbelief - you must be going through hell. So this has happened to you. Very best of luck with whatever happens from here.

Glad to hear you are over the first raw shock of this.
IMO the sites he has been looking at are beside the point.
Keep up the discussions, and make sure you have really addressed the most important issue - the fact that he did not discuss with you beforehand the taking of the pictures and the putting of them on the website. That is the most horrible part.
I am sure we all know that some couples find this an exciting and stimulating thing to do. As a couple. He took an important decision away from you. Your body is your property and you must be able to trust him to respect that.
Look after yourself and keep discussing.

He understands that the violation and betrayal is the main issue. My initial concern was that this together with the sites was all somehow an interlinked 'problem' . That doesn't seem to be the case though.

I think you are doing the right thing by giving him a chance to explain and make things right.We are all flawed in one way or another and no one has lived a perfect life without hurting or disrespecting someone.He is lucky to have you.You sound smart and forgiving and tbh I think all the posters who say kick him out are unralistic and not in your shoes.Forgiveness is hugely rewarding I hope you find this out for yourself.It is not about condoning his actions but looking at them and loving him anyway.Good luck

So glad you made him read this thread and even more glad to hear that it made him cry!
He has done a vile despicable thing to you and you are still defending him. I don't know how you can be so forgiving. I wonder how you will be able to build any trust after something so completely dishonourable.

god lessonlearned you must be hard as nails and perfect too

devastated, I applaud you for not knee jerk reacting by kicking him out and filing for divorce, and for also being strong to your husband about the terrible thing he has done to you.

I don't think you should feel you should fight for your marriage - nobody should do anything - but if it is what you want to do he and you need to put everything into it, talk it all through and then agree to move on. I wish you a lot of luck.

And no, you definitely did not over react.

The decision has been made. Devastated will be working hard to save her marriage and I really hope her dh reads this again and makes a total commitment to the saving of the marriage as it is he who has placed it in jeopardy.
It will not be the same marriage they had a few weeks ago. This will have changed it. But it could work. Devastated thinks it's worth a try.
Again, I wish them all the best, and urge them to keep talking.

Completely agree with Noddy.
Only you know your Dh and I am glad that you are going to at least try and work through this and forgive him. Reading this thread will let him know exactly how much he has hurt you and understand the extent of his betrayal.
I commend you for trying to save your marriage, I really do, I think you can both work this out.
Take care and I hope things work out for you.

Hello devastated - it sounds like you're on the mend. I think that your 11.55 post is one that a lot of us can identify with. It's so easy from the outside to say kick him out etc but it's not so easy to throw away years of love. No you won't ever forget this, but you will be able to move on from it. I also had divorced parents and a great dh now and I think that I would feel exactly as you do now.

Fwiw I think that marriage is an unique equation between advantages and disadvantages. Everyone has failings, we just work out if we can put up with them and if the good outweighs the bad. I hope you can move on and wish you all the best.