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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is not the person I thought he was as far as I am concerned

136 replies

devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 04:36

I hope someone is up to help me at this time of night, I really don't know which way to turn.

Firsty I am a regular but have name changed because as well as being devastated I also feel completely humiliated. I usually post a lot in the miscarriage and conception threads so if anyone does recognise me please please don't out me to eveyone on mumsnet. I wouln't be able to face you all again.

It started off when I found some naked pics of women saved in documents on computer. i wouldn't have cared so much if he had just been looking at porn but these had been saved from social networking sites where could have made contact with these women IYSWIM although he swears blind he hasn't.

To make matters worse I found pics that he had taken of me that I did not know about- sleeping naked, sunbathing on my front and even one of my backside in the shower, he'd obviously put the camera around the shower curtain when my back was turned. I asked him why he had done this and he said he just did and promised that no one else has seen them

I then checked the internet history for the last few weeks and found that he had actually posted them on a social forum for people to comment on and there are endless comments from immature teenagers calling me a fat as, gross and making comment such as ''ewwww''. I am about three stone overweight and have very low self esteem.

I thought my dh was my rock, he has supported me through so much and is always telling me how wonderful I am and that he loves me. He has put up with my anxiety and depression over the years. My family think he is a diamond and so did I. How can you do that to the mother of your child and the person that you supposedly love. i don't get it. I have been up shouting at him all night while he just sits there saying bugger all apart from ''I don;t know why I did it, i know I did wrong and I 'm sorry but I know you'll never forgive me'' etc etc while he deletes all that shit off his computer. god am I even making any sense?

Crying buckets I don't know waht to do. Someone please come and talk to me

OP posts:
Helsbels4 · 15/01/2009 07:05

You poor, poor thing. If he says he didn't realise posting the pics would draw that sort of attention then why exactly did he do it? I'd need to know the answer to that before I could think about moving forward with him if it were me. Also to say to you that you don't know who he is anymore. It appears that he has deep issues here that urgently need addressing. I really feel for you and the hurt and humiliation that you must be feeling. You need to do what you feel is right and if that means shouting and screaming or asking for him to give you some space right now then do what you have to. Hope you managed some rest x

savoycabbage · 15/01/2009 07:09

I can't believe he has managed to go to work.

I'm no expert but it sounds to me like he loves you deeply and that his 'thing' is for other people to desire you. I don't know if that helps in any way but I think it would help me. My best friend found asian porn on her boyfriends computer and she is a solidly built white woman. It really bothered her taht he was looking at woman that were different in every way from her.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 07:22

Thanks ladies. Too much to reply to each poster individually - head spinning.

I asked him not to go to work but he really has to.

When I asked him how/why on earth would he want to do a thing like that to me - post naked picture of me on a public forum so that total strangers could rip me to shreds he actually said that he was disgusted at the comments and removed the pictures from the site as soon as he read them! So he is thick and stupid as well as evil. I am fat, I am not a supermodel what did he expect people to say? And he still overlooks the more important fact that he shouldn't have taken or posted them in the first place regardless of what people's opinions of my body may be

OP posts:
AbricotsSecs · 15/01/2009 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 07:25

am going to have a shower and see if i can feel a little more human. alarm due to go off in 10 mins anyway. will come back after the school run. thanks again all

OP posts:
PersephoneSnape · 15/01/2009 07:41

I'm not sure if i can post much that will be any help, other than letting you know you have my utmost sympathy. He has been very very wrong in posting pictures of you on the net without your knowledge or consent, but please take comfort that the comments are just stupid little girls trying to fl better about themselves by slagging off other people, You have an extra little weight - that can be dealt with, if you want to and when you're ready, what is more important is the state of your marriage and this abuse of trust by your husband. thinking of you, please post after school run.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 15/01/2009 07:44

The fact that he took the pictures (without your consent) in the first place is a betrayal, let alone bloody putting them on the internet. Let alone the websites and the scary one about wives sleeping with other men.

Use the time while he's at work to get some sleep (if possible). Eat some soup or other comfort food, and then sleep a bit more. All much easier said than done, but you've got to stay well physically to cope with the emotional devastation xx

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 15/01/2009 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HelenBurns · 15/01/2009 08:07

I agree that he probably finds you incredibly attractive, the insecurity is within himself. It's playing into your sense that you look ugly when in fact I bet he thinks you're fantastic and wanted to share that. However he really screwed up and I think it all needs setting straight and hopefully you will be able to find a way through this.
He has got it all very wrong but my guess is that he meant no harm to you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/01/2009 08:37

It doesn't matter why he posted the pictures. Maybe he was expecting lots of men to respond with 'phwoar', maybe he thinks you are a goddess and wanted to show other people how lucky he was. It's really not important. He took photos of you naked without your knowledge. He showed those photos to other people. I'm not surprised you slapped him.

I would, could, never forgive my DH if he did that. The taking of the photos is such a violation, it's like an assault. That's how I would feel - assaulted. I'd like to say 'be understanding' etc but this is one thing I wouldn't see me coming back from. So so so so sorry for you.

OneLieIn · 15/01/2009 08:55

Hi Devastated, what a night you've had!

I think it is really important that you get to the bottom of this with your DH. He says you don't know him at all, I think you need to ask him what it is you don't know about him. If you give him one chance to be totally honest and upfront about what he has been doing, you might find out more about what is driving him to do this.

This doesn't have to end badly, you can work through this (or try to at least). I suggest Relate could help you both. It's a long road, but it sounds like you have been a great pair until this.

Is there anybody who could take the DCs overnight or for tea so that you can have some time alone?

Keep your chin up - ((((((((hug)))))))))

sunnygirl1412 · 15/01/2009 08:59

I don't have any more advice to offer than the others who have posted here. I suspect that what you are going through at the moment is a sort of bereavement - you feel that the man you knew and trusted has 'died' and you are in shock and mourning for that.

As you know, when you are in mourning for a bereavement, it is not a good time to make any major decisions, so anorak is right to advise you to take some time before making the decision about whether you want him to stay or go.

Since he has gone to work today, and your dd is at school, I hope you can take some time and look after yourself - perhaps call a friend who could come round and be with you for a while - I very strongly feel that you need loving arms round you at the moment.

You will be in my thoughts and my heart today.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 09:23

Thanks to all who supported me last and night and the kind words of the new posters this morning.

Sunny I think you have hit the nail on the head. I feel utterly betrayed and violated by the very person I had every faith in to never do that to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 09:27

Don't think I can tell anyone in real life. I don't know how things are going to turn out and i'm afraid that if I can eventually get beyond this it will follow us around for ever having decided to confide in someone.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 15/01/2009 09:27

devastated - I have only just seen this.

Very, very for both you and your DH. Please, please find a therapist/counsellor that you can talk to - you probably need counselling both separately and together (possibly three different therapists in all). FWIW, I don't think that this incident is insuperable - it sounds to me as if you both have issues you need to work through and that your marriage will be better and stronger once you have come through it.

Dior · 15/01/2009 09:29

Poor poor you . FWIW, I do think he posted th epictures because he thinks you are gorgeous, but that is the only silver lining here. I think Relate may be able to help you as there is obviously something going on with him.

How humiliating for you. If my h did something like that, I think I would kick him out but there is a LOT of history between us regarding my weight. If yours has always been supportive before, then it is different.

Lizzylou · 15/01/2009 09:31

I agree with Anna, Devastated.
I think that you can come through this but it will take time and he needs to earn your trust.
He is clearly exploring a side of his sexuality, extremely wrong of him to use your photos to do so. He obviously loves your naked form, and is proud of yur body, I know that that is scant comfort, but why else would he post the photos?
I cannot even begin to imagine how hurt and betrayed you must be feeling.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 09:37

Thats the thing, just because he likes my wobbly bits what the hell gives him the right to share them with all and sundry?

OP posts:
Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 09:40

Is it good or bad that I feel more angry right now than sad. have gone past the tired stage now I think. Want to knee him in the knackers right now. He was wise to go to work I think

OP posts:
Paperchase · 15/01/2009 09:41

Honestly?

This would be a deal breaker for me. If my partner did this I would know that he doesn't love me. End of relationship.

He won't understand your pain until you post pictures of him naked, taken without his consent, on gay porn sites. And I would do that too. Because he's not going to pose for them, is he? I would wonder what else he's been up to that I don't know about, if it were me.

But I'm angry on your behalf. I'm so very sorry this has happened. He has let down you and your dd more badly than either of you thought he was able.

Why has he done this?

I know my words are a whole lot less understanding than everyone else's, but for me this would be an absolute end to the relationship, and I would ditch him pronto. Sorry.

BonsoirAnna · 15/01/2009 09:45

You cannot conclude that the behaviour of the OP's DH is proof that he does not love her . It is quite possible to love another person and yet to behave in a way that hurts that other person. What matters now is that the OP and her DH get help in order to understand one another better. I think that they are quite estranged from one another and that this is a wake-up call to do something about that.

ilovelovemydog · 15/01/2009 09:51

Devestated -- look at this way: if you posted pictures of your children. You do so because you are proud of them.

So, he got it wrong. TBH, he sounds incredibly naive more than anything else.

He wasn't having a laugh at your expense (unless I got this wrong?). He likes your body, and where it went wrong is that some people (probably teenagers) posted some nasty comments. If there were comments saying, 'what a hot woman' it would blunt his taking photos of you secretly?

He must feel really really sorry about it all. But ask him when you're ready, what on earth he was thinking when he posted them?

And he needs to buy you something that really means sorry.

Paperchase · 15/01/2009 09:59

BA I didn't conclude that about the OP's dh - I said if my partner did this I would know he doesn't love me.

Your clue is in the preceding sentence, that it would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 10:02

I believe dh loves me. Throughout our 12 years together he has loved and cared for me throughout all the rocky times we have had. I have suffered from depression, various chronic and sometimes debilitating illnesses. We have both had very stressful jobs. I have had several miscarriages. He has had the patience of a saint to get along with my family as he does(think toxic parent). He always tells me he loves me and compliments me on the way I look when i make the effort to look good. That is why this has hit me like a bolt out of the blue. So confused.

OP posts:
Takingitslowly · 15/01/2009 10:03

I am so shocked at what he did.

Secretly take photos of his wife in the shower and then post them on the internet? That is quite disturbing imo.

No wonder you feel betrayed and violated.