Husband is not the person I thought he was as far as I am concerned

[devastatedbeyondbelief]

I hope someone is up to help me at this time of night, I really don't know which way to turn.

Firsty I am a regular but have name changed because as well as being devastated I also feel completely humiliated. I usually post a lot in the miscarriage and conception threads so if anyone does recognise me please please don't out me to eveyone on mumsnet. I wouln't be able to face you all again.

It started off when I found some naked pics of women saved in documents on computer. i wouldn't have cared so much if he had just been looking at porn but these had been saved from social networking sites where could have made contact with these women IYSWIM although he swears blind he hasn't.

To make matters worse I found pics that he had taken of me that I did not know about- sleeping naked, sunbathing on my front and even one of my backside in the shower, he'd obviously put the camera around the shower curtain when my back was turned. I asked him why he had done this and he said he just did and promised that no one else has seen them

I then checked the internet history for the last few weeks and found that he had actually posted them on a social forum for people to comment on and there are endless comments from immature teenagers calling me a fat as, gross and making comment such as ''ewwww''. I am about three stone overweight and have very low self esteem.

I thought my dh was my rock, he has supported me through so much and is always telling me how wonderful I am and that he loves me. He has put up with my anxiety and depression over the years. My family think he is a diamond and so did I. How can you do that to the mother of your child and the person that you supposedly love. i don't get it. I have been up shouting at him all night while he just sits there saying bugger all apart from ''I don;t know why I did it, i know I did wrong and I 'm sorry but I know you'll never forgive me'' etc etc while he deletes all that shit off his computer. god am I even making any sense?

Crying buckets I don't know waht to do. Someone please come and talk to me

OMG. Can't believe he has done this to you. What a blatant invasion and violation of your privacy. If couples want to put pictures on the internet in that way then that's fine - if BOTH people agree to it. To do that behind your back and to sneak around taking pictures of you - I just can't get my head around that.

He owes you a LOT of explanation here. He obviously has some sort of big secret fantasy thing going on in his head and I can understand that he might find that hard to broach with you due to embarrassment. But to actually do what he has done is so not ok and he knows it! People get arrested for things like what he has done.

Given that you are ttc, coupled with mc etc, this is the opposite of what you needed right now. What a selfish and hurtful git. He deserved the slap you gave him, I would have done the same through shock and anger. He is the one who needs to feel bad, not you.

Am so sorry this has happened to you.

I can completely understand that you are devastated.

I agree that I don't think you should tell anyone you know in RL about this for the moment - it needs to be clearer in your mind before you do that. Is there a friend or relative who could have your DD after school today without you having to reveal the reason why. You could just say you are unwell and haven't slept. If they can, then phone your DH and tell him to drag his arse home at a decent hour so that you can talk before DD comes back.

The big question that I would want an answer to first is what he meant when he said you didn't know him.

I think relate counselling is a great idea. Could you call them before you see your DH and get some idea when they would be able to see you - 'cos I think it's urgent and this is probably their busiest month of the year.

I don't think this has to mean that your relationship is over, sadly, some men make terrible decisions when their dicks are involved. It will take a lot of hard work though to recover from it. I really wish you well.

I'm afraid this would be a dealbreaker for me.

Porn, naked pics of other women, social networking sites whatever I obviously wouldn't like but we could probably get past that. But taking pictures of me and posting them on the internet I could and would never forgive. And you said he took the pictures down? Yet you saw them up there last night so obviously he hadn't taken them down.

I hear what others are saying that he did it because he loves op and is proud of her etc but I disagree. he took these pictures in secret. That in itself says that he knows that what he was doing was wrong. if he wanted to show off his dw then he would have told her he wanted to take pictures of her naked, and yet he didn't. He waited until she was asleep/in the shower and took them without her knowledge.

And then he posted them on some tacky website for people to comment on? You can't tell me he'd never looked at the site before and didn't know there was a chance that people might leave negative comments.

Op - he may love you, we can't possibly know that one way or another. But he does not respect you.

Only you know whether you can get past this. But for me it would be over.

There is absoultey no excuse for him doing this without your consent. I agree with other posters who have suggested that maybe he did it because he thinks your are PHWOOOOAR gorgeous and wanted to share you with others - which without your consent is wrong, I am not suggesting otherwise.

WHat your dh has done is not uncommon these days (apart from the consent bit). There is a website called x-tube which is basically full of adult, consenting couples doing just that - sharing pics and vids of their bodies for the comment of others. The people on that site come in all shapes and sizes and appreciation is offered to all - insulting comments are given short shrift by all users.

I am sorry that this has happened to you. I hope you can resolve things with your dh.

had a few hour sleep,nothing seems any clearer. Feel sick esp at the thought of seeing him when he comes home from work. I don't think I'll ever be able to see him in the same light again

Give yourself time devastated. You are probably still in shock. Dont feel that you have to talk to him now, or even see him if you dont want.

If you want some time to yourself, cant you ask him to stay with family/friends for a few days?

Take things at your pace, and be kind to yourself. Take care and good luck.

oh my god - I am so sorry - what an awful, cruel hurtful thing to do, I would be so bloody angry and actually am for you. How bloody degrading. You dont need to take these comments personally. I wont tell you to leave him but what do you want to do.

can you get away for a few days or is there anywhere he can go. I seriously think you need some space.

Oh dear. This is scary, because there were no signs and you and everyone else thought he was lovely. He obviously isn't. He has betrayed your trust and acted in a way which, frankly, is extremely creepy. I'd end it if this was my DH.

So sorry to hear all of this. I was devastated when my DH got caught with Child Porn on his computer at work. Just be careful, cos once they start looking at stuff, theres no stopping them, one thing can lead to another IYSWIM.

How terrible for you No idea how I'd get through this if I were you, your DH has acted dreadfully and you must feel so alone in RL. All I can offer is my sympathy.

What a prick! I am very on your behalf. I'm sure you still care though, which makes it worse doesn't it? Could you try counselling, for both of you? It might help you figure out why he did such a thing. big hugs

H ehas been in from work for about 20 mins now. has not said a word to me. He is sitting in lounge watching tv with dd.

On second thoughts, you could always kick him in the nuts

Been tempted to do that since last night. Can't believe he didn't even put his head round the kitchen door to see how I was holding up. Does he think that by ignoring this somehow it is going to go away. Obviously I don't want any conversation in front off dd but it would be a bloody start if he just at least acknowledged how hurt I am and showed some consideration. I think he's scared shitless of facing up to what hes done. Maybe some space would be the best option - make him think. i just couldn't face all the questions from family and friends

Just wanted to share my complete sympathies. I would be deveastated beyond belief too. I have no advice as you must do what you think best. I would take space and time though. Family and friends can be told its a rough patch and need not know any details. You can relax then and have time to think.

He has just come in the bedroom and asked if I want to eat. i said "what do you think? get out!"

I have been trawling through the few sites that he has visited and it's all pictures and written commentaries from men of their wives having intercourse with men outside their marriage. My head is spinning again and I feel sick. I haven't eaten since this time yesterday and only managed 2 cups of tea to drink. Usually I turn to food whenI'm upset, this is different.

God, you poor thing. He's probably shitting himself downstairs. Big {{{hug}}} xx

When he posted the pics, did he write anything as well - just wondering if this gives you a clue as to what this is all about?

No he didn't the pics were posted on a section of a common everyday social network site. He just appears to have been looking at the other sites. On these sites it makes out that it's everyday men that have got their wives to have sex with other men but the pics look too professional and so do the sites.

Reading all the information, he definitly has some kind of problem, i really would look to marriage counselling, but take your time, you call the shots, and thats probably why he is so scared

I thought it was a "sex site" not a common or garden networking one, that doesn't make it better or worse I spose.

I fully understand your anger and disgust.
You really need to talk.

yes lizzy, sorry I probably didn't make it very clear. hence the torrent of abuse about my fat arse etc from immature teenagers. Other sites are something that I found separatley.

now I'm worrying that I've made it somehow sound worse than it is. pics were in no way explicit, naked behind pics and naked flesh IYSWIM. Do you think I have overreacted?