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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is not the person I thought he was as far as I am concerned

136 replies

devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 04:36

I hope someone is up to help me at this time of night, I really don't know which way to turn.

Firsty I am a regular but have name changed because as well as being devastated I also feel completely humiliated. I usually post a lot in the miscarriage and conception threads so if anyone does recognise me please please don't out me to eveyone on mumsnet. I wouln't be able to face you all again.

It started off when I found some naked pics of women saved in documents on computer. i wouldn't have cared so much if he had just been looking at porn but these had been saved from social networking sites where could have made contact with these women IYSWIM although he swears blind he hasn't.

To make matters worse I found pics that he had taken of me that I did not know about- sleeping naked, sunbathing on my front and even one of my backside in the shower, he'd obviously put the camera around the shower curtain when my back was turned. I asked him why he had done this and he said he just did and promised that no one else has seen them

I then checked the internet history for the last few weeks and found that he had actually posted them on a social forum for people to comment on and there are endless comments from immature teenagers calling me a fat as, gross and making comment such as ''ewwww''. I am about three stone overweight and have very low self esteem.

I thought my dh was my rock, he has supported me through so much and is always telling me how wonderful I am and that he loves me. He has put up with my anxiety and depression over the years. My family think he is a diamond and so did I. How can you do that to the mother of your child and the person that you supposedly love. i don't get it. I have been up shouting at him all night while he just sits there saying bugger all apart from ''I don;t know why I did it, i know I did wrong and I 'm sorry but I know you'll never forgive me'' etc etc while he deletes all that shit off his computer. god am I even making any sense?

Crying buckets I don't know waht to do. Someone please come and talk to me

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 15/01/2009 10:05

I am so sorry you are going through this and I really feel for you but, although I am not excusing his behaviour I do agree with the posters who have said he is proud of you. Can I ask, do you feel you would have felt just as devastated if you were more confident about your body? If you loved your body as much as your DH seemingly does?

Lizzylou · 15/01/2009 10:07

What he has done is misguided and hurtful, but in no way shows a lack of love for his wife. Respect? yes.
I would feel betrayed if my DH had done this, but I would try and find out why he had done it in the first place.
Devastated, Anna's advice re: counselling, is excellent. You can come ack from this but your DH really needs to work at earning your trust again.

ilovelovemydog · 15/01/2009 10:12

Here's an idea: He obviously loves you, and perhaps love is blind? He doesn't see you the way you see yourself?

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 10:12

TFM it's not about my lack of confidence. I do have quite a nice backside (it's the other bits that are the problem) and there was one shot on there of my bum that even attracted some racy comments.that's no concelation to me. The fact is that I am at ease with my body when I am with dh but I am not happy for him to share it with any pervert out there on the internet. I feel violated and betrayed.

OP posts:
mocca · 15/01/2009 10:17

This is bizarre behaviour and you must feel totally violated, he obviously has HUGE issues going on. Strange that you had no inkling all was not quite right in his world - men do so bottle things up. If you hadn't found out about this you'd still love him right? First and foremost you must look after yourself and try not to let it damage your self-esteem (very hard I know, I'm a chronic low self-esteem sufferer and am only coming out of it due to a traumatic experience recently). Get loads of support here - is there no-one in RL you can confide in?

Then, if you think your marriage is worth saving, insist that he gets counselling/therapy or that both of you go to Relate. He needs to get your trust back BIG TIME. He doesn't sound like a bad man, just really confused and weak. I'd give him a chance if I were you, for the sake of the good years you've had together and for your DD.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 10:18

I can understand in a way what you are saying about him liking my body etc. but he doesn't have to broadcast it and it doesn't excuse his behaviour does it. Think you guys are helping me get some perspective on this ,thanks. At one point I told him that he really must hate me to this - I don't really believe that though.

Lizzy I did point out to him how disrespectful it was, amongst all of the other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 10:22

mocca this is a problem, I really don't think I could confide in anyone in RL. I am humiliated to the core. In a way I suppose I am trying to avoid people doubting us if eventually I can get beyond this.

OP posts:
ilovelovemydog · 15/01/2009 10:22

How has he acted toward you since you found out?

unavailable · 15/01/2009 10:26

Before even considering if the relationship could be saved, I would need to be very sure that I knew everything he has posted/ viewed etc.

You mentioned other sites he had been on. Do you think he has told you everything now?

conkertree · 15/01/2009 10:26

so sorry you are having to go through this devastated. i really think the internet has opened up a whole new world for a lot of men, that they can do things that they think will have no consequences, without thinking it through iyswim.

his one little saving grace from your posts seems to be that he obviously finds you attractive and for some unknown reason thought that meant it was ok to share pictures of you with other people. not excusing him at all, but that's something for you to hold onto at least.

but the bit i feel for you almost more with is the not being able to share it with anyone in rl so you cant get a hug from a friend etc - totally understand why you dont feel you can share it, i think i'd be the same, cause it would colour other people's views of him if you can get past this yourself, so i hope you can get the support you need from mn.

MarmadukeScarlet · 15/01/2009 10:26

If a stranger had done this I'm sure the police would charge him.

I wouldn't care if I had a body like Elle McPhearson, I would be livid if this had happened to me.

I have nothing sensible to add, but keep strong and look after yourself.

hullygully · 15/01/2009 10:27

Just read this and the thing that strikes me is that he clearly feels a strong attraction to these activities, possibly against his own will. In a way it is almost not about you, it is about his sexual leanings. I understand how horrified and devasted you are (as would I be, more because I could have not known about it for so long than what he actually did), he obviously couldn't talk to you about it and eventually will probably find it a huge relief that you now know about it. It sounds like he is a good guy in other ways, may be when things have calmed down you can discuss it with him and then see if you can live with his sexuality or not.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 10:28

ilovemydog - remorseful, ashamed, apologetic, wholy co-operative i.e whatever you say goes. In no way has he tried to make any excuses. Seems completely unable to explain it though, which I am struggling with because I need to understand and I don't

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 15/01/2009 10:29

It absolutely doen't excuse his behaviour, no. But might sort of explain it? He is obv turned on by this sort of thing, loves you, loves your body so has (extremely stupidly) put your photos up. In no way does this make it right, but that is where he is coming from.
He probably has done all this in secret as he is either ashamed of his secret "kink" and/or realises that what he is doing is wrong.
I do think that you can come through this, and completely understand why you slapped him as well, btw (he probably came off lightly with a slap!) but agree you can work through this as a couple.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 10:32

oh god so many posts all at once. unavailable I am not sure whether I now everything. I only know what i know from what I searched myself. He assures me there is nothing else. I am quite technically challenged

OP posts:
piratecat · 15/01/2009 10:32

if this is out of character, i wonder if he's having a breakdown himself? If he is your rock, well maybe he has been suffering himself?

It's not an excuse for him, but it could be a reason. He isn't coping with something, or somehting is really wrong in the balance of your relationship.
I only say this becuase altho i belived everything was ok with my now ex dh, in hindsight, he was quietly losing sight of himself, he then became a person i didn't understand anymore. If someone is depressed, or upset, or confused i guess it can take many forms, and then new outlets are sourced.

It is not acceptable, what he has done, it's almost 'madness' when you put it into the context of what you have been thru together. Yet people can do strange things, and do.

Yuo must feel violated, and so sad. I am so sorry this had happened. xx

TimeForMe · 15/01/2009 10:34

Good post Piratecat, and I agree.

conkertree · 15/01/2009 10:36

devastated - agree with lizzylou. and also when you say he cant explain it, I once heard a radio programme about men and women and how they communicate. it went on about how a woman asks a man a question that they think should have a fairly straight forward answer, and the man doesnt answer for a bit, so the woman jumps in to answer for him.

Women communicate quickly, and men sit and think more to get the answer as they want it. Stereotype obviously but in general, this is what they do. I found myself doing exactly that when trying to discuss things with dh - particularly more difficult things, and so have to make a real effort not to jump in when he is coming up with an answer.

Bit off topic, but all I mean is - as women we want the answers straight away, and if we were talking to women, we'd probably get them. Maybe he needs some time to process what he's done and why, before he can actually verbalise it to you. Very frustrating for you, but might mean you get a more cohesive answer in the end.

Original poster
devastatedbeyondbelief · 15/01/2009 10:37

okay head is pounding now so i am going to go and try and rest for a couple of hours. Thanks for all your kind words of support so far you have really helped to calm me down.

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 15/01/2009 10:38

Go and get some sleep woman!!

I think what he has done is totally disgusting, he has ripped away your dignity by doing this.

Maybe it would be an idea if you could ask him to leave for a few days/over the weekend to give you both time to reflect before having a talk about what has happened.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/01/2009 10:38

I don't understand those posters who think it was somehow 'ok' because he was 'misguided and naive' and assumed everyone would think his wife was as hot as he does.
He took photos of her naked without her consent! If he was a stranger doing this we would expect him to be arrested! He then posted them online!!!!!!!!!!!

TimeForMe · 15/01/2009 10:41

That is very true Conkertree, women tend to fill in the gaps and before we know it we have answered our own questions The key is to keep quiet and listen! Leave him the space to fill in the gaps himself.

noddyholder · 15/01/2009 10:42

God how awful for you.It does seem like he has acted totally out of character.Do you think he turned to this online stuff because he didn't want to bother you with his fantaasies because of all the trauma you have been through with the miscarriages and depression?Men are visual creatures and I am sure once they started looking it could escalate and be quite exciting.I am not making excuses for him and if it was me i would be devastated but it seems you really love each other but have been through the mill this last few years and some people do react to stress by either drinking drugs food porn etc.

dsrplus8 · 15/01/2009 10:47

he's wierd. sorry this is just so odd! ask him how he'd feel if you took photos of his bits and posted them on the net? ask him how he'd feel about wierdos strangers looking,and making nasty comments(and probably laughing at his lack of equipment!).eewww!.has he got fetish or something? . if it were me ,id be packing his bags- my ex was a weirdo to...came home from work one day and caught him parading around the flat wearing my maternity clothes!(ok you can stop laughing now!)fooking nutcase!.you understand why i divorced him!

Lizzylou · 15/01/2009 10:48

No one thinks it right Kat, but just looking for explanations as to why a normally good and supportive husband has done something so very out of character.