Married but want to have other relationships

[mumofteens]

Please be gentle with me!! I have been married for ages and have teenage children. My husband is a very good friend and we get on well. I am very fond of him. But I don't really fancy him. If I am honest I think I find him a comforting father type of figure (my own father was crap). I would rather not have sex with him at all. However, I would like to have emotional/sexual relationships with other men. I nearly had an affair when my children were younger as I "fell in love" with someone who also had strong feelings for me. I was going to start an affair, but then I discovered I was pregnant. I was in an emotional turmoil but decided to make a go on my marriage and never embarked on the affair. Now I find myself with strong feelings for someone else. I want freedom! But I can't bear the thought of the dishonesty of an affair or the turmoil of a divorce. Help!! I can't bear the emotional turmoil any more.

Mumofteens, I haven't read this whole thread. I'm hoping that you and your husband have sought counselling and dedicated several years to working at enriching and improving your relationship? If not, huge slap on the wrist, grow up and start taking responsibility for things.

If you have pursued this avenue (and I mean really pursued it hard, what was the outcome - for both of you?

I have just read this thread from start to finish and FWIW...
I hope this is your fantasy and that your DH is willing to explore it and be honest about the consequences with you. That would be very kind and patient of him.
I am glad you are willing to discuss it but I am sceptical about your response to criticism - there are a lot of people here who have been burned by betrayal.
As to the question of vows - these take the form of a contract, the purpose of which is the fostering of an intimit relationship where both partners needs are of equal importance. However if these needs change (which they do in the course of a lifetime) you can always renegotiate, but beware when you look at the contract again the other party may have moved on and found a better option.
Your children meanwhile will inevitably be watching and altruistically (sp?) judging you as the people setting the moral benchmark for them. Remember teens can be very judgemental of adults.
You will be having your taste of playing with the players, most of whome are much more familiar with the game than you are so you need to know the risks you will run to your health (mental and physical) and accept this may have a consequence for your family whatever the outcome of your decision.
As far as the suggestion of narciccism - perhaps this is something you should take on board? You have said you are not having your cake and eating it but you sound like you expect to get permission from Mnetters AND your DH and DCs to go ahead and eat it!
At the risk of using a common cliche, at the end of the day, what do you want from life - the hurley burley of the chaise longue or the deep deep comfort of the double bed?

I think some of you who are so busy projecitng your own issues with monogamy onto the OP missed the bit where she said she has talked to her husband and they have decided to try couples counselling.
GOod luck with that, MoT. And do try to read The Ethical Slut or Opening Up, both are very useful books on handling open relationships.

Perhap you should listen to yourself. How ironic you feel he needs to ask your permission but you can do what you like.

By mumofteens on Mon 12-Jan-09 11:21:09

Stretch - he values me as a very close friend and someone who has shared good and bad times. If he wants to find happiness with someone else he is entirely free to do just that - just needs to discuss it with me first. Perhaps it is he who is hurting me by refusing to "let go" even though, deep down, I think he realises that I am not completely fulfilled by the marriage. Don't forget, it takes two to tango.

I'm still following this thread, to my surprise. I'm one of these husbands whose wife doesn't find him attractive, and I do beleive that there is no going back from this. I'm not sure if I am agreeing with anyone, or offering anything new, but having eventually realised what is going on I am more hurt than I could ever have imagined.

If you choose to stay together like this, how long for? I'm quietly waiting until the kids leave home, by which time I will be in my fifties, and not only will it be too late to have any kind of relationship with anyone that means anything, I don't think I want one.

If you and your husband are still talking, maybe you need to think about that.

F&L: are you and your wife talking about the problem? Because it isn't fair if she expects you simply to put up with the fact that she doesn't find you attractive (I presume you mean she no longer wants sex). A relationship will not remain functional if one partner is miserable and the other is refusing to acknowledge the fact. Staying longterm in a miserable relatinship is not good either for you, your DC or your partner. I would honestly suggest you tell your wife that you want to start some kind of couple-counsellingm and if she won't go with you, go alone because a counsellor will be able to help you towards splitting up amicably.

This isn't the place to talk about my problem really - in a nutshell no, we're not talking about it, it has got past that point, probably because I have let it. There are practical issues, and also if I am honest I want to hold on for as long as possible.

F&L ..how awful for you but you will get what you are prepared to settle for. I hope you someday have a better oppinion of yourself.

f&l. so very for you. I also hope that you are able to find the strength to do something to improve your situation as I too, believe it is unreasonable of one partner to dictate the terms of a relationship, particularly with regards to sex. I believe it is wrong to force someone to do it if they are unhappy with it, but I also strongly believe that it is wrong to deny it to someone if that it what they wanted. If no compromise is possible, my own opinion is that it is no longer a relationship and both should go their separate ways. I hope you find someone who truly loves you and wants to show it in a physical way as it sounds as though that is what you crave. Good luck.

What one lie in said.

F&l, I'm really sad for you. As I know very little about your clearly very complex situation I won't offer any suggestions, however I will say that whatever you decide to do, if you do wait until the kids leave home, being in your fifties doesn't mean death to any future meaningful relationships. It's much harder for women in their fifties than for men, apparently, but it's definitely not a life sentence of celibacy.

Affairs are not for me, but (holds breath) don't they work for some couples? If the marriage is just friendship then how would you feel about DH sleeping with other women?

lessonlearned I am loving your 9.55;13 post.

Frustrated - I am very sympathetic to your situation. Can I just give an opinion though? Your wife is not responsible for your happiness. Only you can do what you think is right for you. People chose to stay in relationships for their own reasons.

I have to say some of the negative responses to my admission that I am tempted to have an affair have been totally pathetic. My husband is entirely free to do exactly what he likes. If he wants to have an affair, he can. I would never stop him from doing something that he thought would make him happy.

I have discussed my feelings with him because I feel guilty about going behind his back. I didn't want to because I knew it would be painful for him and because I didn't feel he wanted to change the status quo of our marriage. I was right - he was upset but SO AM I. I have done nothing wrong apart from have feelings which I have confessed to. As it happens, I think I probably want to move out of the "couples" part of the relationship and move into "co-parenting". He accepts that we must together work towards a family relationship that will try to meet all our needs. Period.
All the stupid, moralising comments by controlling women make me feel sorry for a lot of husbands out there. Seriously, there are so many women who are just so controlling it is truly scary.
If my husband CHOOSES to fall in love with another women that is up to him.

MoT - why is it controlling to expect monogamy from marriage? to say that the comments have been negative is true. they have. but you haven't really encouraged sympathy at all. not that you would get much, i expect. you are right in respect of the fact you haven't actually embarked on an affair. well done for your restraint. what grates, i think, is the fact that you expect him to somehow relish the opportunity to get his end away with someone else, whom you have implied, chosen by yourself. can you stand back a little from your own self and see the other person's standpoint.

this man thought he would be with you for life, thought that you would be the last woman he slept with. to find that the woman then turns around and says 'i don't find you attractive and frankly i don't want to sleep with you' is probably a mite galling and crushing for anyone. to try and qualify it and say 'but i don't want a divorce. oh no, i just want to sleep with other men. and i'll probably tell you about too. don't worry though, i'll let you do it as well. perhaps we could have a foursome?' its not really cricket, is it?

i think, what is also grating, is the fact that you derided the opinions that you invited by starting the thread. we didn't kowtow to your automatic way of thinking and thus, whatever anyone said, it would be wrong.

you are, at least on the internet, a rather opinionated, self aggrandising, self absorbed creature. and, generally, most importantly, not a nice person.

so toddle off and sleep with whoever you like, knowing that you have broken something (i'll spell out what, for all your comments, though intelligible, are not intelligent - marriage) which you may not have wanted to break.

honestly? you believe your anything but a selfish and incredibly emotionally immature woman?

wow. I dont think i've ever come across anyone that genuinly didn't realise they were being a twunt