Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married but want to have other relationships

168 replies

mumofteens · 12/01/2009 10:01

Please be gentle with me!! I have been married for ages and have teenage children. My husband is a very good friend and we get on well. I am very fond of him. But I don't really fancy him. If I am honest I think I find him a comforting father type of figure (my own father was crap). I would rather not have sex with him at all. However, I would like to have emotional/sexual relationships with other men. I nearly had an affair when my children were younger as I "fell in love" with someone who also had strong feelings for me. I was going to start an affair, but then I discovered I was pregnant. I was in an emotional turmoil but decided to make a go on my marriage and never embarked on the affair. Now I find myself with strong feelings for someone else. I want freedom! But I can't bear the thought of the dishonesty of an affair or the turmoil of a divorce. Help!! I can't bear the emotional turmoil any more.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 12/01/2009 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolyGuacamole · 12/01/2009 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

honestfriend · 12/01/2009 13:39

TMMJ- that was not the point I was making if you read my post.

I was asking you if you believed in divorce at all, as you seem to be saying marriage is for life and that's that. We were not discussing being faithful- we were discussing whether anyone should ever go back on their vows- by that, I meant get out of their marriage.

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/01/2009 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winebeforepearls · 12/01/2009 13:46

Yes, relationships are not black and white, and open relationships are possible. But you can't be surprised by some of the judgey comments - you come across as a rather petulant child demanding to have your safe secure life and the excitement of an affair.

If you are going to book therapy, I hope your DH will be involved and will know the whole story.

scaredoflove · 12/01/2009 13:47

OP hasn't done anything yet!

She has come to a point in her life and is questioning and putting her options out there, for help not to be called a slapper

To the OP, divorce is/can be hard. There will be upset but a different kind of family relationship can evolve and people can ultimately be happy after. An affair could jeopodise that process as there will be much blame and hurt and later happiness in the family unit could be damaged forever

Personal marriage counselling will help you to understand what you are feeling and what to do next. Couples counseling is also an option once you have sorted your own head. It may be your marriage has no future but it should be explored, which will help you if you do move on and get divorced

Well done for thinking it through and not just going ahead

higgle · 12/01/2009 13:54

It will only end in tears, and they will be yours, it is not moralising, because the affair will be lots of fun and you might even think it is worth it, but it is the truth. Also as we get older we have to acept that if not now, quite soon, the affair route of escapism will not be open to us ( or we will be sad 70 year olds looking for a bit of action) so really it is better to pursue constructive alternatives now. I don't really like this truth, I'd like to do all sorts of exciting things in paralell universes.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 12/01/2009 13:56

TMMJ: Actually, monogamy is not a legal requirement in marriage. The bit about 'forsaking all others' is not compulsory in legal terms.
OK you can't legally marry more than one individual at a time, but the law does not actually seek control over who you have sex with (as long as it's another consenting adult).

And the OP has not yet had an affair, she's asked for advice. My advice is: read up on open relatinships and talk to your husband. You don't know till you discuss it whether he would be amenable to the idea of an open relatinship, after all.

HolyGuacamole · 12/01/2009 14:05

Apologies Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I clicked wrongly and thought I was on the post from last night about the woman who has went behind her DH's back twice. I shall ask for my post to be removed.

Sorry mumofteens, genuine mistake

AnyFucker · 12/01/2009 17:08

hg, I very nearly made that exact same mistake myself earlier

< phew >

Fizzfiend · 12/01/2009 17:40

Woah! OP you got a beating here. It seems a lot of women on here are dealing with DHs having affairs right now, so maybe that's the reason.

I completely empathise with you and am in the same position. Life and relationships are not black and white. We could not divorce even if we wanted to because we have no money and lots of debts, plus fall out for kids would be huge.

DH is just not into sex. He likes the relationship I suspect his parents have - friendly and nice but no passion. That's fine and I can live with that. But I can't live with the no sex. have tried for years - now given up and have succumbed to OM. You have to do what works for you. Yes, maybe there will be huge fallout from this, but no more than a nasty divorce IMO. Also, right now kids are protected, I am happy, DH is happier because I am not sulking all the time.

I know it's not the idea answer but it works for me. There is a lot of good advice here..yes of course the first step is to try and work things out with DH but when that fails, you do what you have to do to do.

ForeverOptimistic · 12/01/2009 18:30

You are wrong fizzfiend. It works for you because you haven't yet been found out. When your husband discovers your deceit the fallout will be far worse than if you had ended the marriage because you had grown apart or whatever. You divorce and you move on, end of.

I am not being all holier than thou about this I can see where you and the OP are coming from I just think that you are being very unrealistic and naive if you think that an affair is a viable option. If you are only staying together for financial reasons why don't you tell your dh this?

honestfriend · 12/01/2009 18:37

FO- how can you possibly know what the other poster's H will think If he finds out? Or that the fallout would be worse? it's a lot to assume on your part.
He might be relieved that his wife has found solace elsewhere and has let him off the hook.

ForeverOptimistic · 12/01/2009 18:41

If that were the case she would not have to go behind his back would she?

The fallout is always worse because of the deceit. You can't have an affair without lying.

NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 18:43

Been hoping to see you, hf.

OneLieIn · 12/01/2009 18:46

Cor blimey, well aren't we lucky to be in the presence of so many people with perfect marriages where you are both desired and loved mutually and will be til the day you die.

All of you, examine your own marriages and relationships first before throwing stones at the OP. Have you never had a fleeting thought for another man/woman? Have you never fantasised? Have you never had a little daydream about being with someone else? Have you never yearned for something exciting to happen?

This is where I think the OP is coming from.

I don't condone cheating or being unfaithful, we all know that lots of people on here have been hurt badly by their other halves doing that exact thing to them. But this is not about you or your perfect marriages or your failed marriages, this is about the OP asking what she should do? It's a cry for help and by being the way you are you are not being helpful.

FWIW I hope the OP gets some help and finds someone to talk this through with so she can work out what she is lacking and what she really wants in her life.

NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 18:47

I agree. 3 months ago I was a smug married. Now I am a mess.

ForeverOptimistic · 12/01/2009 18:48

I don't think anyone said anything about having perfect marriages.

I think a lot of us are realistic and KNOW that an affair will end in tears. If the OP and others in her situation choose to ignore that advice well more fool them...

honestfriend · 12/01/2009 19:07

You can't have an affair without lying

Can't you? Who says?

Ther was some very famous ( dead) author who was profiled on the radio a while back- forget his name- but he would evidently phone his wife on his way home, after seeing another OW- and say he had been a "bad boy" again. This went on for their entire marriage and she constantly forgave him.

Don't assume that your morals and beliefs are universal. Human behaviour comes in all shapes and forms.

Generally, affairs do cause pain, but there are occasions when they are tolerated, or the spouse turns a blind eye to keep the peace.

I know of several families in my parents' generation who did exactly that.

honestfriend · 12/01/2009 19:12

oneliein- just to say that I agree with your post.

An awful lot of very smug MN here-they ought to be grateful that they have perfect marriages, they aren't unhappy and they have never felt the "pull" of another man.- Oh and I expect now they will all jump in and say they have but they resisted. well, well done you- but if you can't post anything kind and helpful to the OP don't post at all.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2009 19:24

the OP asked for advice/opinions, did she not?

she got 'em

she may not like 'em

so why ask?

honestfriend · 12/01/2009 19:39

I just think that some people like to preach rather than understand. People post here for SUPPORT- not to have the bloody obvious cliches spewed out- they know all of them anyway.

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/01/2009 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chosenone · 12/01/2009 20:03

Mum of teens just thought I'd jump in as I posted a silmilar post and got a bit of a flaming along with some supportive posts! I really don't think that we're getting a true reflection of societys true feelings (albeit secret ones) on monogamy on here! Either there are some very lucky MN etters on here or some women who are bitter about adulterous behaviour, along with some who genuinely are fulfilled in every way and do not consider crossing the line but when you talk to people in RL;
A friends Christmas party resulted in much snogging and groping by midnight all with people who where not partners!, a sporting trip attended by BIL 3/4 of the men used a brothel, around 50% of my friends and work colleagues have had a fling or affair, my friend is blissfully unaware (thank god) that her DH has (apparently)been unfaithful at least twice, it burns me up inside that I can't tell her that as its something i've heard! no proof, and im not stirring up trouble!

Im going to try and bring the spark back into my own sex life, avoid opportunities, and try not to seek male attention to boost my own self esteem!

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 12/01/2009 20:08

There really are quite a lot of people who don't feel that marriage gives them ownership rights over their partner's genitals. Some people really, honestly don't mind if a partner has sex with other people as long as certain agreed limits are stuck to (practice safer sex, obviously, other rules might be: no mutual friends, no partners within 20 miles of where we live, or no partners of the the other partner's gender when one partner is bisexual...). Those of you projecting your own feelings about monogamy onto the OP's DH should remember that you are not him and you can't speak on his behalf.