Married but want to have other relationships

[mumofteens]

Please be gentle with me!! I have been married for ages and have teenage children. My husband is a very good friend and we get on well. I am very fond of him. But I don't really fancy him. If I am honest I think I find him a comforting father type of figure (my own father was crap). I would rather not have sex with him at all. However, I would like to have emotional/sexual relationships with other men. I nearly had an affair when my children were younger as I "fell in love" with someone who also had strong feelings for me. I was going to start an affair, but then I discovered I was pregnant. I was in an emotional turmoil but decided to make a go on my marriage and never embarked on the affair. Now I find myself with strong feelings for someone else. I want freedom! But I can't bear the thought of the dishonesty of an affair or the turmoil of a divorce. Help!! I can't bear the emotional turmoil any more.

i do think therapy is a good way of letting some steam off. failing which i think if you really can't carry on as you are, then you have to be honest with your dh and try and work something out.

MumofTeems how does your H feel do you think? Is he in love with you? Would he be hurt immeausurable by losing you? (To either an affair or splitting up). You don't mention how you think he feels.

You need to hold fire, however hard it is, with your feeling for the other man. Stop.. and talk to DH. Tell him how you feel; soften the blow by all means and I wouldn't mention the other bloke but tell him how you feel with regard to feeling trapped. You say you value him - be honest with him. Honesty is so important and deciet makes the others person feel totally crap.

I am the last person to condone extra marital activity - I am reeling from being on the receiving end of it myself - and the subsequent collapse of my marraige, but I am gobsmacked at the behaviour of some people on here. Shouting TROLL (er why? Exactly how is this scenario unbeleivable? Exactly why shouldn't the OP discuss it with strangers??) and SLAPPER (for goodness sake, if she was that she would be merrily enjoying having and eating her cake with several lovers plus husband by now.)Really childish to come on a thread and behave like that.

I drank - thank you for your lecture. I have been married for 15 years reasonably succesfully. If I am so ghastly, how come I have a lovely husband who loads of other women fancy???I don't blame my husband for anything at all. He chooses to stay in the marriage because it mostly meets his needs I presume, not as a favour to me. He will be hurt if I am open about my desire for other relationships and I am not sure if it is worth the hurt. I have chosen to stay in the marriage because it mostly meets my needs I guess. Are we in love? I don't know - I would be quite wary of "in love" because you can then fall "out" whereas what we have is a long close friendship. But, there is a lack of passion.

Back to the therapist - thanks for all your replies, very helpful!!

Maybe your husband knows that he is not making you happy and is upset about it. Talk to him, tell him you find your lives boring and unfulfilling and sex has become just routine. Lots of modern women want more out of life than just mortgages and school run. You are not the first one to feel like this. However give your marriage a chance, women do not usually find happiness in casual sex, I do not think it would work for you and as for your family, well it would be a disaster.Good luck!

You can't have it all.

I do think we have the usual Daily Mail responses here, big time!

It's all very well throwing vows into every post, but when people took their vows 15, 20 or 30 years back they were often different people to who they are now.

I suppose those of you who scream vows don't believe in divorce either? Because if you do believe in vows, then divorce is not possible, is it?

Screaming about vows is not going to help the OP is it? She knows too well what her vows said.

Why are you all so lacking in compassion?

Ther must be millions of marriages where the passion has gone and one partner is wondering whether to go or stay- or just has an affair in the process. If you can't see this, then you are not living in the real world.

OP- I think you have to b ehonest with yourself. Divorce would be messy and painful, but it might be better for you ong term rather than living a lie. You need to think carefully over what you would gain and what you would lose- and make your choice.

There is no easy answer- you have to decide what you want.

would your husband consider an open type of relationship where you are both free to pursue other relationships while staying married/ keeping the home together?I know this is a terrible idea to many but it works for some couples.

What situation is the other man in?

I think some people are being overly harsh here with the OP.

I am sure that when she married she was hoping it would be for life and monogamous, but now she finds herself in a situation where she is not particularly happy sexually with her husband and is attracted to other men. I don't think that is so hard to believe? In fact from numerous threads on here it seems quite common!

MOT, would you be happy to stay with your husband and go to counseling/sex therapist? Can you imagine only sleeping with him for the rest of your life now and not having a sexual relationship with anybody else? Is it the flirting and attention you enjoy from other men? Would you be happy with an open relationship baring in mind that this might mean your husband would have sex with other women?

I think these questions all need looking at and answering.

And slapper?? was that really necessary Craggy?

I have been married for 15 years and also have teenagers.
If I was having thoughts about other men I would divorce my DH, not have the best of both.
Luckily for me, we are smugly happy.

MOT ignore the monogamy obsessives. Monogamy is not compulsory and far more people than you might think are having very happy monogamy-free relationships. Monogamy isn't actually 'natural' to all human beings: if it was, there wouldn't be so much propaganda about it, and it certainly wouldn't be enforced with social sanctions and violence.

Have a talk with your husband. I recommend reading this and/ or this first. OK they both contain a certain amount of American inner-child-therapy guff but both are very good on how to start and manage open relationships.
It isn't an easy way of living, but it's no worse than living a miserable, frustrated live in a relationship that's 'minogamous' but sexless and unhappy, just to conform to other people's expectations.

Mumofteens - a lot of people on here are being very very harsh on you. Relationships are never simple and having feelings other than for the one you married is perfectly normal.

This is not about you gaining your DH's acceptance or divorce in my view. This is about you realising and understanding what you need. It may well be sex, but it could just be to be desired, valued, treasured.

I hope you go through with therapy and get to the nub of this.

Good luck to you

BTW, how absolutely pathetic is it to call someone a slapper who admits they have feelings for those outside their marriage?

Thank goodness another grown up opinion nothing is ever as cut and dried as some on here seem to think.Fwiw I don't think the op wants an affair either but is seeking the intimacy and sexual thrill that is easy to drum up in a new relationship but requires a bit more effore several years and a few teenagers later!

i'msorry but marriage is a lifelong commitment. if you can't keep the commitment-you end the marriage.

One or the other please! How can you end a commitment? it's a contradiction in terms. Either you beieve it is a lifelong commitment, or you don't- in which case you believe you are committed until it goes wrong.

Make your mind up!

TMMJ crap. Marriage is what the people concerned want it to be.

Goober be careful with that "smugly happy" feeling - value being happy by all means but "thoughts about another person" are not reason to "divorce your DH". Life can get messy and relationships complicated just when you least expect it. Being in a good relationship will not neccessarily equate to never ever being attracted to another person. It's what you do about it that matters.

in that case solidgold, the OP needs to talk to her husband and see if he feels the same and wants the same, or she is on a hiding to nothing

Maybe so, but it is about two people. One can't decide to shag around without the consent of the other. What about what the DH wants? What if he wants the commitment of a "proper" marriage and not an open one?

In that case, I'm sorry for having a successfull marriage.
Pah!

I wasn't going to post but, [shrugs]

necessary - nope

make me feel better - yup

I despise ppl like this..

TMMJ- you can't possibly believe in divorce then can you?

If you do, then everything you have said about lifelong commitments and legal promises is dishonest- and comes with a codicil!