Married but want to have other relationships

[mumofteens]

Please be gentle with me!! I have been married for ages and have teenage children. My husband is a very good friend and we get on well. I am very fond of him. But I don't really fancy him. If I am honest I think I find him a comforting father type of figure (my own father was crap). I would rather not have sex with him at all. However, I would like to have emotional/sexual relationships with other men. I nearly had an affair when my children were younger as I "fell in love" with someone who also had strong feelings for me. I was going to start an affair, but then I discovered I was pregnant. I was in an emotional turmoil but decided to make a go on my marriage and never embarked on the affair. Now I find myself with strong feelings for someone else. I want freedom! But I can't bear the thought of the dishonesty of an affair or the turmoil of a divorce. Help!! I can't bear the emotional turmoil any more.

Sleeping with other people without the person your married to's knowledge is fundamentally disrespectful, selfish and hardly the behaviour of an emotionally mature, empathic, and responsible adult.

It's not about it being a 'life sentence' but being monogamous has to be agreed or not agreed between parties.

Anything else just makes you a cock or a bitch.

"Is marriage a life sentence then??"

If you feel like that,I would suggest you seek out a solictor and start divorce proceedings-I hope your husband can go onto to find a loving and trustworthy partner who respects him.

Ha ha ha childish, me! yes, dontcha just love it?

Read your posts.

Troll/slapper.

No, marriage is not a life sentance, however, if you said the vow "and forsaking all others" then you agreed to monogamy at that point.

you wish to sleep with other people, your husband is unlikely to agree. What will you do when he disagrees out of interest?

You do realise that an open relationship only works when both parties are 100% happy with that and both parties have no self esteem issues?

From your op i would say that you don't really want an open relationship. What is really happening is this; you do not fancy your husband anymore, you are bored with day to day life and wish to do something exciting. You think that sleeping with other people will be exciting. You do not however want to leave the comfort and financial benefits of being married to a "father figure".

I thinhk you sound spoilt and unrealistic. Either put some effort into rekindling your sex life at home/get a hobby/ get a divorce.
Don't pretend however to be some sort of enlightened sexual butterfly. You are not.

you really can't have it both ways
the shit will hit the fan big time eventually

Anyone else hoping that when the OP tells her dh that he's 'like a father to her and she doesn't fancy him' he turns round and says:

'Yep, you're just like my mum and I don't fancy you either'

cos that wouldn't hurt at all if you really mean what you say

The best thing to do is either work at your marriage or get a divorce and you can then have sex with other people.

The idea of an affair might be exiting but the reality would be lies, deceit and hurt. I don't think your husband will agree to you finding sex outside of the relationship. Do you?

Have you told him how you feel?

Maybe you need time alone with just him a weekend away without the stresses of teens etc etc
And you might find what you saw in him all thoses years ago is still there

But having an affair is not the answer it will lead to hurt and upset for all your family .

i went thru a divorce rather than stay in a marriage that wasn't working in every way
i know that had i remained married for the sake of being married then i wouldn't have been faithful
and IMO a divorce based on infidelity is far more problematical than an honest break up
either work things out with your h
or end it
then you will be free to start another relationship
you wont be judged
and most importantly won't have to live with the conflict in your head
being at peace with yourself is everything i think

If you are married to a father-figure, you will want a proper, adult, equal, loving, sexual relationship with another man if you are a normally developed woman.

How does your DH feel about you?

In your position, the best course of action would be to find a counsellor you can confide in to explore your feelings about your husband, your marriage and your desire for another relationship.

I'm sorry but IMO you are being very selfish.
Yes I can understand that after so many years of marriage it is a very scarey thought to be going through a divorce and loosing the comfort and security of marriage, and the idea of finding what is missing in the relationship from another source whilst keeping all that you do like about married life is appealing.

However it is totally unrealistic, not to mention incredibly cruel and deceitful to your husband, and tbh I doubt it will make you any happier than you are now.

Isn't there something along the lines of "as long as you both shall live" in there somewhere? Sounds like a life time commitment to me.

Mumofteens, I'm sure you aware of the reaction you would get from your parents, PIL, DCs, close freinds and local community if it came out you were having an affair. Would you be prepared for the snidey comments, loss of respect, loss of freindship etc? Also you may start to feel really awful about having sex behind your husband's back particularly if you have a comfortable marriage anyway. Divorce is a difficult option as well because people will not understand why you want out of this relationship, however it is your decision to make. If your DH is a loving and understanding person but doesn't have a clue about how you feel then you will need to sit down and discuss your feelings with him. I really don't think having an open marriage is the way to go either but have an honest discussion with your DH, at the end of the day you don't know whats going on at the back of his mind and perhaps a good and frank discusson with rekindle your feelings for him. If your DH is a decent bloke then you're lucky and you should try and work things out.

Thank you for some thought-provoking replies especially BonsoirAnna and notnow please.

I think I probably married for security but I also married for friendship and companionship and we are still friends - good friends. Why would I want to hurt a very good, old friend? There is no way he would want to go though a divorce at this stage, I know this for a fact.

It might sound perverse, but I feel I am protecting his feelings because I think he would be very hurt if I admitted that I wanted to have other relationships and I don't want to hurt him. I guess I am scared of what might happen if I am completely honest and I don't want to hurt people including myself.

Psychotherapy, here I come! Booking the first session.

So you don't want to hurt him by being honest, but you are prepared to hurt him by being dishonest??? Your lucky, lucky husband!

Let's hope he realises and lets you out of your 'duty' and finds happiness with someone who will love him, ya know, properly!

If people found it so easy to stick with the "marriage vows" then how come so many people are divorced/having affairs/unhappily married, eh? At least I have given it a good shot and my children haven't been affected by a divorce and the stuff that can go with it.

Nah, you are scared of losing a dependable man if you openly admit to him that you are bored and want sex elsewhere.Like someone said before-cake and eating it.

Are you scared of being on your own per chance?

haven't been affected yet mumofteens.

Stretch - he values me as a very close friend and someone who has shared good and bad times. If he wants to find happiness with someone else he is entirely free to do just that - just needs to discuss it with me first. Perhaps it is he who is hurting me by refusing to "let go" even though, deep down, I think he realises that I am not completely fulfilled by the marriage. Don't forget, it takes two to tango.

There are some pretty ghastly people out there, and yes, he is lucky to have shared many years with me. Equally, I am lucky to have such shared great times with him. Who said relationships were simple?

i have to answer this
i would have found it easy to keep my vows if my exh had taken the whole thing seriously
i dont wish to drone on about my miserable existence as a married woman
but i pridemyself on having the sheer strength to realise that i have one life
and no divorce is not an easy option
but saying that
what kind of role model would i be to my dcs
if i had remained in that situation
if you are having these problems believe me your children will have picked up on the fact

But have you spoken to him about you not being fulfilled by the marriage? It's unfair to assume that you 'think he realises'! You should at least give him the opportunity to repair and rebuild your marriage.

He probably is just very happy and content with his wife and life, and doesn't realise that his wife is contemplating an affair!!

he is hurting you by "not letting you go"??

So are you saying that he has you locked in a tower cut off from the outside world? What a lot of bollocks.
You think he realises you are not fulfilled.... so you haven't had an open discussion with him but you are now goi9ng to blame him for all of your issues?

You don't get it do you? Marriage isn't about letting go, it's about choices, respect for your spouse and emotional honesty.

It is not up to your husband whether or not you stay faithful, that is your choice and you cannot insinuate that he is holding you back somehow when as far as he is aware you are both in agreement that your marriage is monogamous.

Yes you are right, there are some ghastly people out there and you appear to be one of them.

Poshwellies - yes some truth in the dependable man bit definitely. I want the security of the long-term relationship but also the excitement of other relationships. Hey-ho, not the first person to have thought that!!