Married but want to have other relationships

[mumofteens]

Please be gentle with me!! I have been married for ages and have teenage children. My husband is a very good friend and we get on well. I am very fond of him. But I don't really fancy him. If I am honest I think I find him a comforting father type of figure (my own father was crap). I would rather not have sex with him at all. However, I would like to have emotional/sexual relationships with other men. I nearly had an affair when my children were younger as I "fell in love" with someone who also had strong feelings for me. I was going to start an affair, but then I discovered I was pregnant. I was in an emotional turmoil but decided to make a go on my marriage and never embarked on the affair. Now I find myself with strong feelings for someone else. I want freedom! But I can't bear the thought of the dishonesty of an affair or the turmoil of a divorce. Help!! I can't bear the emotional turmoil any more.

Chosenone, your last sentence has summed up what the sensible advice would be to this lady.

I hope she will take it, for her familys (and hers) future happiness.

If she can't do that, then she should make steps to leave her husband.

AF ( what a horrible name btw!)

You obviously do not have any inkling what it is like to have "gone off" someone sexually- if you did, you would know how hard it is to put the spice back in to it.

hf, I like my name

it suits me

actually, I do know how it feels

I did the decent thing, ended the relationship, not easily mind you and I did wish that someone had told me much earlier on that it was ok to fall out of love and move on

it would have saved us both a lot of heartache in the long run

OP seems long gone, but what most people seem to be objecting to is the dishonesty of her situation. No one blames the OP for falling out of love, but the decent, honest thing to do is to talk to H about her feelings and go from there, be it counselling, divorce or an open relationship where she can have as many affairs as she likes. To try to keep the status quo is cowardly.

Hey ho, as I said before hopefully she will arrange the therapy for both of them.

Oh, and cliches are cliches for a reason.

mumofteens, haven't read the thread but I can imagine..............

I think you are brave and honest to face these feelings and I think its commendable to seek out others opinions in order to help you see your life from all angles. Well done x. Plenty relationships face this. Plenty. Only you can make the decisions and only you call the shots. There is NO wrong or right here. And that is all you need to remember.

"Marriage vows" are precisely why I chose not to be married. So one day, you promise you'll never have any other feelings in your life. You promise you'll be a robot and ignore your concerns and worries. How crap! You are 15 years down the line........why should you not have changed within that time? And it shouldn't necessarily mean divorce. Thats crazy.

What I do think is right is to discuss it calmly and openly with your husband. My DP and I have known each other 23 years (3 children) and discuss everything under the sun including whether or not we think we can stay together forever without having sex with other people. Its the being able to discuss it that makes us strong.

It doesn't actually matter what the personal outcome is for you and your husband. What matters is whether you can be honest with each other.

Best of luck sweetheart x.

mumofteens
hope that you have got something out of all this
its been interesting to watch
i dont judge you at all
i have said my bit which is the same view as AF's
hoping that you work things out

I think what a lot of people are trying to get across is that an affair/ affairs might not be the nice tidy solution that the OP seems to think. First there is her DH to consider- fair enough, maybe he will be happy to agree to an open relationship, that is up to him. But IME affairs are never neat and tidy, and there are the children to consider too- even though they are teenagers, they can still be hurt by their parents' perceived dishonesty. A colleague of mine had his wife leave him for another man after a "whirlwind" affair. She thought her kids would understand (they were teenagers) they didn't, and 2 out of the 3 no longer speak to her, and all 3 opted to stay with their dad- I can't begin to imagine how painful this has been for her, but feel more sorry for the DH and the kids, tbh- she had a choice, they didn't.

Honestfriend who said they had a great marriage, not me. Who hasn't felt the pull of another man, not me.

It's how you deal with it.

IMO by saying ah yes I shall stay married but have a fuck buddy also, it is degrading, sleazy and low and lots of other words way too large for my vocabulary at this time in the morning..

Anyfucker love the name. It just says it all for me anyway.

I wish I had *it.

[*your name, for the stupid ppl]

mumtoteens

If you cannot bear the emotional turmoil, whydon't you havea quickie with your latest love interest, then see how you feel? If you can do that without any guilt, then.............

Well, I don't think we need to call the OP names.

Basically, what I would say is the thing that hurts people most is the betrayal of trust. So that should make an affair (i.e. another relationship that you hide) the most hurtful option.

Openness is a far better option. Marriage counselling works for some, or maybe there is some sort of other arrangement you can come to, or you can think about breaking up. But talk to him. That will hurt him, but far less than if you go behind his back.

frumpygrumpy - i too have always had those discussions with my h - however did not stop him having an affair anyway - the very nature of an affair is not all in the wanting sex with someone else it is the excitement of the 'stolen' time.

I do believe in marriage not just for the vows but because it is a public display of commitment.

I think anyone that embarks on a relationship with someone who has made that commitment, is acting imorally - i know all relationships are different but if at one time 2 people are prepared to commit to one another then i think others should respect that. No-one is forced to stay in a relationship.

BTW i also do understand that having children is a commitment too before you flame me.

As for wanting sex with others - i do think it is natural actually. It is whether you hurt others in the process that is the real issue.

mumofteens 11:52
"If I am so ghastly, how come I have a lovely husband who loads of other women fancy???"

So why don't you fancy him?
Because you would rather have the excitement of a fling than bother to work on your marriage.

Helena, get real and grow up. I have been working on my marriage for 15 years. If I would rather have had a fling I would have done it years ago for goodness sake. Loads of people never manage such a long term relationship. We have both done a really good job of bringing up our children. Perhaps that became our primary concern and we forgot about working on our relationship. The reason I have a lovely husband who is attractive is because I too and an attractive person with some very good features. Who can possibly explain the nature of physical attraction and how it works, why is changes over time. I obviously fancied him enough to have two children and a pretty good sex live a long time ago. But things change. Who says I am not working on my marriage - I am just admitting that I find the idea of another relationship appealing, if for the wrong reasons. There is no law that says you have to tell your husband every single thing that goes though your head. Thank God for that - marriage is a partnership not an ownership. If my husband started telling me what I should do/feel/think I would leave tomorrow. Sorry, but caring about someone means being sensitive to their feelings. If he started making ultimatums I would leave. I would also never do that to him because he would find it unacceptable.
Thanks so much for all the responses - so much food for thought.

(PS: perhaps he is having an affair - must start talking more honestly about our feelings.......!)

MumofTeens

Here's another member of the 'non-judgmental' camp: me. LOADS of people are having affairs - it's just of these taboos no one talks about really. Even more people would jump at the chance, not because they don't love their partner, but because who frankly wouldn't love to have great sex and lots of admiration again?

The reasons not to do it are pretty clear: if your DH finds out, it will be awful in lots of ways. If he doesn't, then it should be fine. I'm sure there are lots of people who have affairs where no one finds out?

Ultimately it is my view that the only reason why I am not having an affair (probably!) is because I love and respect my husband. I do want to have sex with other people. I don't care about vows. But ultimately I have made my decision that I respect him too much to do it. It's about putting his needs first.
But I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, it's just the conclusion I have reached. it's massively frustrating because I know I am condemned to a life of rubbish sex. But for me, it's the decision I've come to. But I'd never ever judge you for feeling the way you do and I wanted you to know that other women (ie. me) feel exactly the same frustrations.
x

I support and admire the OP for her honesty and am bamboozled by the rudeness and abuse she has been subjected to.

I've been there - and I know how it feels. Honestly, life just isn't as simple as some posters and making out.

I once had a long relationship with a guy who was utterly amazing in every way apart from that after a time, I stopped wanting to have sex with him. I used to hope and pray that he would quietly fulfill that side of his desires away from home, and allow us to remain loving in our cuddly but platonic way. It didn't happen and we split up, but I learned from that that there are many more shapes of adult relationships than 'one man, one woman, total exclusion and satisfaction on both sides'.

FWIW I also know of many people who have sex regularly with people other than their partners. I don't generally approve but at the same time who am I to judge - maybe it's what keeps them together, what the hell do I know.

MumofTeens, at risk of being shouted at by some of the people who shouted at you, can I just say that I was in your situation some years ago. Again, a husband who was a good companion and father, but we had no physical relationship and hadn't done for 10 years, by his choice, not mine. Never discussed it either and it reached a point where I didn't fancy him any more and didn't see/want a way to revive it. So I slipped into an affair with an old BF for whom I'd always carried a torch. It seemed to preserve the stability of life for us and DD - but of course, it couldn't last forever, and eventually H found out and sued for divorce within days. It was horribly upsetting for DD, took her 3 years to come to terms with it, both families were devasted. Although the OM and I are living together and DD is ok with things, I do wish I'd done things differently.

You say that your H would be upset if he knew you wanted other relationships. If that's so, then please, please don't consider having an illicit affair. He WILL find out, and he WILL be devastated, and there will be little chance of you preserving your friendship. I'd say, seek some counselling, Relate or otherwise, to work out exactly what you want and need. If that isn't what your H can provide, then think seriously about whether you want to stay married to him. In the long run, it will be much less messy etc to end the marriage and be free to live your life as you wish. And despite the initial shock that it will be to your family, H etc, they will respect you more for it in the end.

Good luck.

littleonemum - that was a lovely post.

I think you are right - lots of people would love 'extra' sex - and i too confess to have fantasies about other relationships.

I have been on the recieving end of an affair and i too have learned a lot about myself and i know i could never do it to another person - either my h or indeed another wife if i were to have an affair with a married man.

I hope the op can look into herself and find what it is she wants.

For me it is knowing i have respect for others especially my h.

I will continue to dream and to read romance fiction instead.

Guys thanks so much for those last few messages - really helpful, very honest, very enlightening....

I can't not comment here, though I do not know how helpful I am being. My wife and I have been together for 13 years. We have not made love in 11 of those, because she does not find me attractive.

I have tried - am still trying - to be "ok" with this, and it is very very difficult. I do not feel that she is obliged to find me attractive, but the prospect of another 30 years without love or sex of any sort, no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, makes me wish I was dead, often.

You will break his heart either way.

f&l - i think you may be able to add more to the conversation from a male perspective than anyone else.

mot - you don't have to tell him what you are thinking - or what you are doing...but the guilt of an affair is a massive thing, whether you acknowledge that or not. you sound like you would prefer an open relationship, so that he can also find 'love' which is a fair thing to do if you neither want to go through a divorce. as you are both attractive people i think it's fair to say that both of you will do well. though i kinda think your children (being old enough to understand things) would probably be less screwed up by a divorce.

just my opinion. don't shoot me.

It is not really a "male" perspective DOH, it's the other halfs perspective rather - I'm probably not as "attractive" as MOT's DH, so perhaps there are different reasons, but I can not think of anything my wife could say or do that would make me feel happy about the situation, be it as extreme as leaving or not.

f&l - why don't you leave? That seems like an awful long time to feel that way and have the prospect of a very bleak future. I know it's easy for other people to say "just leave", but in your case it seems like there is no joy in your life at all.

I can't answer that. I can't put in to words why I don't, and I sometimes think I might, but actually I know I never will. I do not beleive for a moment I am the only person who ever felt like that.

You don`t leave because you try and feel at first its o.k and that sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship
(married with 2 dc btw)

But then know matter how deep you try and bury it .IT gets bigger and bigger
You loose you confidance
You feel boring
You feel unattractive
And its not something you ever want to say/admit to in RL
For fear of being laughed at
Mocked
Pitied
I feel embarrassed
Dh has not been near me since DD was concieved which she will be 6 in spring

Mumofteens I know how you feel

That's a big point monkey - you can't talk to anyone in real life about it, you can't change anything - I suppose that there are lots of people who feel like this, and who hang on until they die.

Latest update. I have spoken to my husband about how I feel. I have admitted that I am attracted the idea of possibly having a relationship with another man. We have discussed the fact that our sex life is not great and that I am not that keen on having sex with him any more. He is shocked. He is upset. He agrees that there has been an inbalance in our relationship and that we have both been ignoring the "elephant in the room". He agrees that he talks a lot about how he feels for me but is not really willing to explore how I feel about him. I am going to go to counselling and then we are going to try couples counselling. We will see. Unfortunately, I get the impression that this situation is very, very common in long-term relationships.