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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thank you

65 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 08:53

Thank you to everyone who has helped me.

I was very upset with some comments but I will use those for if I start being silly again.

I feel better today.

I am finding it hard to get back to how things were with DH even though he wants things to be as they were and we never mention it again. I feel like I don't deserve that.

PIL are having the children for us today so we can have some time together.

On Tuesday is 13 years since we met.

If I have a blip can I post on here rather than email the wrong man or talk to DH?

Have deleted his number from my phone.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

spamm · 10/01/2009 08:58

NAB - I don't think anybody imagines it will be easy for you. But you have to stay determined to do this and stay strong. There will always be somebody here to support you and talk to you when you need.

Hope you have some nice things planned for today - enjoy and hopefully you will capture a little spark of what you want to get back. Many of us have to work at that, for different reasons, so you are not alone.

HelenBurns · 10/01/2009 09:15

Oh I don't know...I might be able to spare five minutes...

Of course you can post, I know there are people who don't want to hear it, probably they imagine you're trying to justify doing something wrong, when in fact I think you're just trying to stop yourself from messing up because your heart and head are at odds.

Some people see the words 'affair' and 'other man' and just do the usual knee jerk thing, without taking the time to understand or listen, so ignore that element if you like.
They probably have no experience of ambivalence.

I think the key issue here is that we all work on preventing further damage to the marriage. I think we're all of a mind on that?

I'm not sure how to ease the pain for you Nabby. That's what I'm stuck on.

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 09:26

I feel like I am getting somewhere and then something sets me off crying again. I won't contact him again but knowing that doesn't stop the tears.

OP posts:

honestfriend · 10/01/2009 09:37

Hi NAB
You CAN post here and we will try to help- but be warned that some MNs will not understand and you may get a lot of flack.
I think the support you will get will be from others who share this experience you are having.
It takes either experience or an ability to empathise to see how you are feeling.
One word of caution- perhpas you need to leave your DH out of your discussions about the ex?
Me and my ex have had on-off contact for 15 years- with differing levels of intensity. We are now really friends. I have never ever though dislcosed any of this to my DH except at first when I started seeing the ex purely as a friend- before it developed.
I went to hell and back with my emotions but never told anyone much- even my best friend was critical.
I think you owe it to your DH to keep your feelings to yourself.
You will have ups nd downs- expect that.
I don't think we are ever truly "over" things like this - but you can learn to deal with them better so the pain is not so intense.
Please post if you like, but just be warned that MNs come in all shapes and sizes- and so will their responses to you.

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 09:51

I want to post on here so that I don't have to talk to my best friend about it (my DH.)

I don't really expect anyone to understand my situation as I can't articulate what I feel for this man and what he meant to me. I feel scared that I will never be over him as it has all come back so quickly even though we have had no contact for 15 years but I also know looking back over the years I have had with Dh, that it wasn't always as strong as this and it was something I lived with.

OP posts:

honestfriend · 10/01/2009 11:08

NAB- your DH may be your best friend, but you can't expect to rub his nose in the fact that youare not over an ex! There is a limit to what any friend can be expected to listen to- and you know that!

I think you have to work out for yourself what being "over him" would mean for you.
It is not possible to forget those we have loved, and i will always feel both nostaligc and "what if" or "if only" about my ex- til I die. But these thoughts should not stop you functioning as a wife if you really love your H.

What does "being over him" mean for you? Does it mean happy for the time you had, but accepting that what you have now is better, that it was not meant to be, that you always have a soft spot but are happy to have found your H? If youc an decide what point you have to reach to be over him you can then start working towards that.

NomDePlume · 10/01/2009 11:12

I agree with honestfriend's last post.

Most MNers (me included) don't really understand what you want or how to help you. Some will get frustrated and cross that you don't seem to be able to help yourself and seem to just go round in circles. As with every thread on MN, you ask for advice/opinions you will get a mixed bag of responses.

Well done for binning his mobile number.

bellavita · 10/01/2009 11:16

Aww bless you NAB.

Take just one day at a time, baby steps, and you will get there.

Hope you have a lovely day with DH.

Fizzfiend · 10/01/2009 14:07

It's a great start. I hope you are having a lovely day with DH. You can post here anytime...you know there will always be a sizeable chunk of responders who are on your side/empathise with you/understand that these are human emotions we are talking about that can't always be controlled. Take care.

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 15:46

Have had a lovely day together. DH bought me a gorgeous heart necklace and a ring to celebrate (early) our wedding anniversary. Should get in within two weeks.

I have had a huge chunk of the day without thinking about you know who and sometimes the tears come when I read posts on here.

It is hard to reconcile part of the reason we are not together is because of someone else and hearing what he did after we last saw each other is hard.

My DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDH is the most amazing man and I will NEVER do anything like this again. I will not lower myself to email this man as he doesn't want to just be friends (I would have been happy to have been) and DH will reply if he does email me.

I think the other man is just as mixed up as he has been sending certain messages and saying things but I will ignore all that and move on.

He always will be the love of my life and have a place in my heart but what my husband and I have is much more real and solid and I am damn lucky he has forgiven me.

OP posts:

preggydonuts · 10/01/2009 15:49

you are.
Because I haven't been.......

Lulumama · 10/01/2009 15:50

am glad you are seeing what is important and real and valuable , onwards and upwards

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 15:51

pd - shall I go on email?

OP posts:

preggydonuts · 10/01/2009 16:02

Don't worry. Its cool. My dh just won't forgive me and I am just have to get on with things.
Such is life.
Oh and he is 'shocked' I forgot our wedding anniversary. Which I did, Bolloks!

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 16:02

Are you okay? {daft question}

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 10/01/2009 16:05

well done nab. its not easy - and i agree that you need to stop talking about the om to your husband, i am sorry but it is a cruel burden to put on a man you have already asked a huge amount of. we will listen and you may get flack but there are those of us more then willing to stop it. your marriage and family are important and for those of us who want to help we will support (although honestly be warned) as much as we can whilst you process your way through this. quick one tho - have you considered talking to someone in rl - a councellor of sorts about your feelings on this? it may well help.

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 16:06

I really couldn't talk about it as I can't say it to myself. As each day goes by I will get stronger. I have already deleted everything and I couldn't do that last time.

OP posts:

honestfriend · 10/01/2009 16:48

NAB- I do suggest that you think carefully about counselling.

The fact that you cannot say things to yourself imples that you are bottling things up.
It is surprising how things take on a totally different perspective once they have been aired with a non-judgemental stranger- eg a counsellor. You actually do need to hear yourself say things out loud.

I am still worried about what appear to be contradictory comments in your post- you say that the ex is the love of your life, then you talk about your DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDH husband- it really does look as if you are writing and thinking these things about your DH to convince yourself- rather than genuinely believing and feeling them in your heart.

I would suggest that rather than being OTT about your DH , you accept that this whole getting-over-the-ex is going to take a while, and not try to force yourself into believing it is all over and done with- it takes time, but you will get there.

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 17:02

I always thought that the love of your life was the one that got away which is why I thought of the other guy as it.

Rationally I know that DH is as he is the real thing and the one that is here for me. I am not forcing any feelings for my DH. I never stopped loving him in any of this, that is what made the whole thing completely non understandable.

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 10/01/2009 17:05

NAB - your DH sounds fantastic given the circumstances. You are a very, very lucky lady.

Every time you look at him, remind yourself of how extremely lucky you are. He obviously loves you very much. I respect him for the way he has dealt with this with utter dignity and maturity. He deserves your 100% faith and love in return. Other men might have dumped you and run a mile.

I hope you can put all of this behind you as soon as possible.

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 17:31

I do know how lucky I am and it isn't just because of how he has been with this massive hic cup. It is the little things he does for me all the time and the fact he is so thoughtful.

I occasionally want to check for messages but stop myself as it would be crazy and I also know he isn't worth it. Have absolutely no desire to send a message or email.

Hope he doesn't email me at my birthday which is soonish.

I feel I have made HUGE progress.

OP posts:

HelenBurns · 10/01/2009 18:31

All this talk about your DH has made me think. I don't want to suggest anything strange or out of line but I am asking why he is being so understanding.

I know when I was in a relationship where the man was treating me badly, I continued to be devoted, but underneath I was very angry - and I actually got something out of his behaviour, as I think I wanted someone I could feel angry towards. I was being passive aggressive.

It's something to be aware of - some people do kind of almost martyr themselves to someone who hurts them, and then kind of throw it back at the person eventually.

I don't want to worry you but just be aware. I expect your DH is just kind, but people often do have a motive - and if he is always this passive I wonder if part of you is actually quite angry with him for being like that?

Interesting but not really my business, I'm glad you're feeling a wee bit stronger anyway.

prettyfly1 · 10/01/2009 18:40

Nab - stop with the "will he text me then, will he do this" the hardest piece of advise i was given in the summer was stop talking about him, stop obsessing about it and get on with the rest of your life. I am sorry but it is true. I wonder if you feel you dont deserve your partner and that is why you are looking for somethign else - you sound like you think love to you has to be painful and bittersweet. i really think councelling will help and you talk about it here plenty so its not different. councellros are not there to judge - just let you process your thoughts and understand your behaviour.

Original poster

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 18:53

HB- he has got angry with me. He has cried. He has tried to leave. He is not any kind of aggressive and is in no way a doormat. Have had that so know it when I see it and treated them like crap because I knew I could.

He loves me. He knows I love him.

P- I know what you mean as he started with the pet us get through xmas and new year and we will see... then it was when he was back at work, then he might do this on this day and with my birthday coming he might have an excuse to contact me. I feel strong. I love my husband. We have made a new start and we will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in a few months TOGETHER.

OP posts:

HelenBurns · 10/01/2009 18:57

That's really good - I'm glad he has shown his feelings. I'm sure he's above board then
i just had to check.

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