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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thank you

65 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 08:53

Thank you to everyone who has helped me.

I was very upset with some comments but I will use those for if I start being silly again.

I feel better today.

I am finding it hard to get back to how things were with DH even though he wants things to be as they were and we never mention it again. I feel like I don't deserve that.

PIL are having the children for us today so we can have some time together.

On Tuesday is 13 years since we met.

If I have a blip can I post on here rather than email the wrong man or talk to DH?

Have deleted his number from my phone.

Thanks again everyone.

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NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 12:18

He wasn't with anyone and he asked them for my details. They saw themselves as protecting me but the hurt that might have been caused then is nothing to how it is now.

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NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 12:19

I am happy when we are talking but miserable when no contact.

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honestfriend · 12/01/2009 12:35

Yes, NAb but why were you happy when you were talking tohim? You aren't really facing up to what I was asking. WHY are you missing him? what do you get out of it that you aren't getting from your H? I think you need to wake up and be truthful with yourself- you are going round in circles.

NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 12:37

i can't do this right now.

I am scare what might happen if i actually thought about it

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HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 13:08

I would think that's because it's a very fragile thing, and only exists in its perfect form when it's an intangible thing in your imagination.

If you tried to 'realise' it (or make it real) it would perhaps fall to bits.

Meanwhile you need at some level to cling to it

which is understandable

HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 13:22

I'm going to deconstruct one of my past loves.
I've never done this before but I have a feeling it might be interesting.

Fantasy: (F) we fell in love straight away, within a few days.

Reality: (R) I was at a point where I was ready to act out a big fantasy, and he came along. He didn't fall straight away, he took a few weeks to realise I fancied him and then decided to take advantage of it.

F: He loves and understands me better than anyone else.

R: He was in love with me, wanted to have sex with me, but didn't actually understand me very well at all, and repeatedly said so. I chose to ignore this.

F: He doesn't really want to be with his partner any more, or he would not be seeing me.

R: He did really want to be with his partner and said so often - and remained with her. He was seeing me as a pasisve aggressive response to his unhappiness in their relationship, which ought to and could have been resolved between them, if he had not been a complete emotional coward.

F: He is lying to her to protect our relationship.

R: If he had wanted to protect our relationship he would have told her the truth and been with me - and done anything to be with me. He was protecting their relationship by lying.

F: I love him more than life itself and will do anything for him or to be with him.

R: I would have done anything to be with him - well almost - but only on the proviso that he also dedicated himself to me, eventually - I was storing up credit for our future together - I was very angry by the time he left me and went 'bankrupt' - thus avoiding repaying my devotion.

F: I am happy because I am with him, every moment we share makes me happy.

R: And the majority of moments were not shared, and thus I was unhappy for the majority of the time.

F: I will die if he leaves and I will be destroyed.

R: Yes it bloody hurt, and I took a few years to recover. But I am still alive and am better off (and less angry/frustrated) without him.

F: His new wife must be so lucky and understand him better than I did, which makes me miserable.

R: His reasons for marrying her were likely to be as disingenuous and self serving as those for being with his previous partners. She probably either puts up with a lot of bullshit, or is of the same mind as him, ie emotionally cowardly, a liar, and prefers to avoid the truth because it is frightening.

F: I loved everything about him.

R: I put my own needs and feelings second, in order to convince myself that I loved everything about him. That made me very angry.

I don't know if this is any use to anyone but it has helped me...

NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 13:27

When we were together it was very volatile relationship. Lots and lots of downs as well as ups and I totally remember the pain I felt back then so it is even worse in a way that I am just not remembering the good times. The bad ones are totally there too. but i still miss him. I miss his friendship.

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Craggy · 12/01/2009 13:33

I just to add some support. I know how you are feeling and it is difficult.

HB talks a lot of sense. Do not be too hard on yourself. We/You are all human and life isn't always black and white.

Be happy.

HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 13:35

i know what you mean.

I completely couldn't function when mine left. I went and sat in the middle of a rain soaked field, on a bench, crying and crying and crying. My mum had ds1 for a couple of hours and that was what I did.

In fact I was like that for weeks initially, and then started to get a bit more functional. I would still cry in the street, have to stop pushing the buggy and just stand there and tears would be streaming down my face.
I missed his friendship, despite the shit way he treated me and the awful awful loss of understanding between us.

All I did was all I could do, I had no chocie - i couldn't have his friendship so I learned to live without it.

Even now if I see him it brings it back and I get angry all over again. And sad. But not wistful any more, as I have met him since then and he has none of that sparkle any more. Actually I know I said not to meet yours, on the other thread, but last year when I met mine it really was very clear how much I didn't find him attractive.

it was horrid to see how the 'mighty' in my heart had fallen, and it really nailed the coffin down for me. but he was married by then and I knew how much he had lied to me, and how hard he had run away not just from me but from our little boy, which made me despise him.

I guess your OM isn't that horrible.

NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 13:45

He told me he was married when i said I wanted to see him. I said he shoul dbe married to me. He said he should, but he isn't.

I hurt so much and am sick of the crying. I am all over the place. I love it wehen we talk, then sad when we don't. Try and get on with RL then something else happens to throw me off kilter.

I miss him. Not the sex, the snogs, the anything like that but him.

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HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 13:50

I wonder if I'll ever feel the same about another man.

Personally I doubt it, and I doubt you will either.

I wonder if it is better to have known and loved (or whatever) and lost, than never to have met him?

I guess all you can do is put it into the hands of fate or God or whatever you believe in. Miracles can happen but also real everyday life can contain plenty - such as the fact you've a lovely husband.

HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 13:51

plenty of joy I mean

NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 13:56

I always held a torch for this man but was really really happy in my marriage and would never imagine considering leaving. I am all in a turmoil now as I do love my husband but ache for this man to ring me. Good job we live 100s of miles apart I guess.

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NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 16:28

Don't anyone faint but I had a few seconds of feeling strong there.

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NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 20:57

Didn't last. Will have to do better tomorrow.

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