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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thank you

65 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 08:53

Thank you to everyone who has helped me.

I was very upset with some comments but I will use those for if I start being silly again.

I feel better today.

I am finding it hard to get back to how things were with DH even though he wants things to be as they were and we never mention it again. I feel like I don't deserve that.

PIL are having the children for us today so we can have some time together.

On Tuesday is 13 years since we met.

If I have a blip can I post on here rather than email the wrong man or talk to DH?

Have deleted his number from my phone.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 19:12

Thank you for being lovely enough to care.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 19:12

NAB
just wanted to say that i don't judge either
and like some of the others have said just the mere mentioning of the word'affair' has some mners rushing out to condemn
i realise that things arent that black and white in relationships
i can truly relate to alot of what you have said
i do so hope that you eventually have some inner peace with yourself xx

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 19:20

I can see how an emotional affair can be just as bad as a physical one though. His wife knew nothing.

OP posts:
TracksuitLover · 10/01/2009 19:31

Something else which might help (if not just ignore me) is when your DH does something nice, think "would OM have done this?" If he wouldn't have then you can tell yourself that DH is better than him.

TracksuitLover · 10/01/2009 19:32

...or when you have just been through an intense/difficult experience think "who would I rather talk to about this, DH or OM? who would make me feel more understood and more comforted?"

aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 19:37

i think that emotional ones are worse tbh
i think to alot of people sex can be purely sex

aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 20:46

NAB
not sure if i'm helping or hindering here
but maybe might raise a smile
once separated i did actually sleep with the man that i had had the emotional affair with
it wasn't at all what i expected
no passion/love/fireworks etc
probably the most awful sex ever
think it became a bit of a turning point for me

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 21:20

doesn't help as i know the sex would be amazing

but tis irrelevant as i have the best husband in the world who is even more amazing

Occasionally still get a sad pang, and want to let the person who interferred know the pain they have caused, but no tears for ages, and feel hopeful and confident i will be fine

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 10/01/2009 23:15

be strong
always about if you need to let rip
xx

Ally90 · 11/01/2009 08:48

Nab, just seen all this I think a good place to post could be on the Statelys thread...I cannot tell you the amount of emotional affairs I've had over the years...none as serious as yours...more finding a person, imaginging they are everything I need and want and just unable to move on. THe most significant one was from age 13 to 26...the most thing was...he was a character in a book but he meant everything to me...(despite the fact we were clearly not suited, he was religious for a start off, it never would have worked ) but whenever anything went wrong in my life he was there for me...it sounds mental...he was in my head ONLY but he was still there for me. I think he represented the nurturing and acceptance I was looking for all my life, from my parents. There was only one emotional affair bloke I kissed even...t'was terrible...all teeth and saliva...amazing just how fast he turned from the perfect man to avoid like the plague man

Don't know the full history of this...but do think about posting on the Statelys thread, I know a lot of posters have had a very tangled lovelife and you know your among people who have abusive upbringings...there is bound to be more than just me and you on there with this issue...just a brief outline of current situation and if anyone else has similar...it could really get to the bottom of why you wanted (past tense) this man so much.

You can and WILL get by this Nab could it be he was an escape from the realities of life for you at the moment?

Allyxxxx

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 11/01/2009 19:03

Feeling really at the moment at what might have been but still really [smaile] with hubby anmd it is hard to have such strong feelings for two separate issues iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 09:45

feel really back to square one this morning

OP posts:
IdrisTheDragon · 12/01/2009 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 09:56

I just can't do it anymore

OP posts:
HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 10:50

Reading your othert thread, Nab, I think perhaps it might help you to confront the people who lied to you.

It might help you separate it all out, because atm it is all mixed up with your anger for them and your attachment to him.

Is there a way you could write a few letters, work out in the calmest way exactly what you know happened, and what you want to know - and approach them (or one of them) in a non aggressive manner, very calmly, and ask what exactly happened and why it appears that they lied to you?

Once you have asked you might have a better idea of what went wrong. It will also take it outside of your head and into a different place, so you won't be carrying that burden around all the time.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 10:50

I actually believe I will never get over him

OP posts:
HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 10:51

Sorry I mean write it down as though you were asking them, then not send a letter but just ask them direct, in person if possible.

Once you have figured it out and got a sense of control. You don't want to rush in there in a state iyswim.

HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 10:52

I don't think I'll ever get over my first boyfriend either.

You carry it with you. It's heavy but you can manage...

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 10:53

I can't do it in person as they live miles away.

I don't see what can be achieved. It will make them realise they were wrong to interfere but it won't help me.

OP posts:
HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 10:54

Yes but you would be directing your anger at them, instead of keeping it inside. It might not feel so terrible if you give it back to them.

beanieb · 12/01/2009 10:57

what did they lie about?

As a stranger looking in, can I ask... do you think making this contact with them is just an excuse to remain in contact with him some way?

Maybe just be strong and stop yourself?

HelenBurns · 12/01/2009 10:58

Here Beanie.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 12/01/2009 11:02

They told me he was married so I wouldn't contact him I guess and refused to give him my details when he asked.
I have contact with him.

OP posts:
beanieb · 12/01/2009 11:25

why did they tell you this? Maybe he was in a solid relationship at the time and they were trying to save both of you the hurt?

You need to think why you are Exes, why it didn't work back then, why you are not together now and why you were so happy to meat your own DH and why youo want it to work.

honestfriend · 12/01/2009 12:00

NAB- you are expecting too much to get over this in a few days, as others have pointed out.

All the gushiness about really loving your DH seems a bit dramatic, imo- it looks as if you are trying to convince yourself that's how you feel!

It might take you years to get over this. Me and my ex, first love, fiance, go back 37 years. I still "love" him- but have accepted once and for all that it cannot be. We had a chance after his 2nd divorce, but I held back and now it is too late.

If you start accepting that you cannot get over this in 2 days or even 2 weeks or 2 months, then you might stop panicking when you have a blip.

maybe you need to analyse exactly what it is that he seems to offer you that your DH doesn't. Why does he seem so attractive?
Are you pining over what was, or what might have been?

I really do think it would help you to talk to a counsellor or a friend in RL- the problem with all this virtual stuff is that it still remains in your head- if you actually hear yourself say these things aloud to another real person, it takes on a different perspective.