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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I don't deserve any support but for the sake of my husband and kids please can i have some help?

82 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:04

So, I think ex really does mean it is over as he deletes email. I feel but also a tad relieved and really feel it will be fine with DH. DH forgives me.

He then emails me later and asks me to go on msn. We chat on there last night and then a couple of texts this morning before msn again. Pretty much straight away he says this is the last time we will have contact and refuses to phone me. Later we talk on the phone. (I honestly thought it was just as friends)

We both absolutely know we can't be together and it has to be no contact at all.

I have told DH it is finished.

I can't help thinking after all these years, what if I never get over him, what if I never stop wishing we could be together?

I have agreed no more emails/texts and have a friend who I can text instead.

OP posts:
Dior · 09/01/2009 16:07

NAB - you should have refused to go on MSN. If it IS finished for you, be strong and accept your decision. You really do remind me of me 18 months ago - I know how this hurts but you need to be strong. I luckily had my Fab and Glam girls to support me and Lou33 was almost constantly on MSN, telling me home truths.

I know you won't believe me but, if he was genuinely a nice guy, he would leave you completely alone.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:08

I guess he had a blip like I have and emailed but I really know that is it.

It hurts.

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 09/01/2009 16:11

You will, it takes time but you will. I have just finished an affair after 18months and whilst it hurts like mad I know its for the best. When I feel the urge to contact him I just remember why I have stopped it - I love my family and don't want to hurt them. That usually stops me. I am just trying to stay away from the wine as I don't want to send drunken texts

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:11

i need wine

OP posts:
Dior · 09/01/2009 16:12

Of course it hurts .

Block him on email, MSN and mobile. Make sure that you never get another message from him - until it stops, you can't get over it.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:14

I hate the person who lied

OP posts:
Lulumama · 09/01/2009 16:14

of course it hurts, it is awufl BUT you run the risk of a hell of a lot more hurt to your self and your DH and DCs if you continue

just end it

block him, delete his numebrs, email, MSN everything

a buddy you can call instead is a great idea

your DH is being very understanding

you need to focus your efforts on your family relationships and making the best of things and enjoying the life you have

agree with dior if he was as nice as you say/ think he is. he would have left well alone after the last 'this is it, goodbye'

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:15

Same as me. Just couldn't do it.

I was all prepared to be strong as I honestly thought it was just going ot be as friends and then it wasn't and it all went wrong again.

I am scared I will never get over this.

I don't want this pain.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 09/01/2009 16:17

NAB, if you were meant to be together, i beleive you would be

it would have happened all those years ago and you would have found each other despite the meddling of otehr people

the fact that you ahve this romeo and juliet-esqe star crossed doomed romance thing going on makes it so much more exciting

at the end fo the day you were both potentially going to cheat on your respective spouses

that is not exciting or romantic

he has a wife, you have a DH and children

if he is the type to encourage and emotional affair, is he really somoene you want to be with , in reality>?

sounds like he is loving the ego boost and the forbidden fruit element, i would bet my house on him rejecting you if you suddenly became available

it is the not being able to be together bit that is the impetus IMO

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:19

There was no way to find each other and once I thought he was married I didn't try.

I don't want to go over it all again as I am sure everyone is sick of me but please help the pain to go

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:20

he said it would work out if it was meant to as well but that doesn' help me get over him

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:20

he said if we lived near each other he/we (couldn't hear which) would already be divorced.

OP posts:
snoringnightmare · 09/01/2009 16:21

Oh Nab it will go eventually. But there's nothing any of us can do. You sound so sad I really feel for you.

Lulumama · 09/01/2009 16:22

there is nothing to be done that is a quick fix

you have two options

you carry on some sort of pseudo friendship wher you actually make each other miserable or then proceed to an affair which will ultimately be so destructive

or you concentrate on your family and go through the grieving process for what could have been , which will take time

continuing a phone/text/msn relationship is prolonging the agony

of crouse, you could both leave your spouses and be together if you thikn that would make you happy

MadreInglese · 09/01/2009 16:23

wise words lulumama

NAB you have not lost a limb, pull yourself together and concentrate on your DH and your DCs

There is too much shit going on in the world today, appreciate what you have got

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:24

We are staying in our marriages and have ceased contact.

Doesn't stop the pain. It was only 2 hours ago.

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 09/01/2009 16:25

Stop thinking about it find something else to occupy your time. Talk to me - I am going through it and know exactly how you feel.

Dior · 09/01/2009 16:25

NAB - stop analysing every sentence - that way lies madness.

I am going to be brutally honest with you now:

BLOCK him
Stop going over old conversations in your head
Have a nice evening with your dh.

ALL of these feelings will go in time. I know that doesn't help but I HAVE been through this too and came out the other side. My marriage was having problems anyway at the time but that was no excuse to have an emotional affair. It WILL fade, I promise.

The only alternative is to split from your dh, have a house on your own and be prepared to be lonely for a while. OM will not come and rescue you if you are single - he will run a mile. He is feeding his ego and you are his waitress.

MadreInglese · 09/01/2009 16:25

(that looks harsher in B&W than I meant it to sound)

Dior · 09/01/2009 16:27

Mine too.

When I was really suffering, Lou33 said something to me that really hurt but it turned out to be TRUE - I just didn't want to see it at the time.

bellavita · 09/01/2009 16:27

for you NAB.

But, you have a lovely DH (who has been understanding), can you just not get on with your life with him and your children.

Enough is enough. Don't torture yourself.

xx

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:27

It scares me that they won't go after 15 years they just slipped right back into place

OP posts:
Rubyrubyrubyknittedknickers · 09/01/2009 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dior · 09/01/2009 16:31

They will go. Promise

MadreInglese · 09/01/2009 16:34

NAB you're lucky your DH didn't kick you out on your arse

If you want help then LISTEN to advice being given as everyone is saying the same thing to you.........