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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I don't deserve any support but for the sake of my husband and kids please can i have some help?

82 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:04

So, I think ex really does mean it is over as he deletes email. I feel but also a tad relieved and really feel it will be fine with DH. DH forgives me.

He then emails me later and asks me to go on msn. We chat on there last night and then a couple of texts this morning before msn again. Pretty much straight away he says this is the last time we will have contact and refuses to phone me. Later we talk on the phone. (I honestly thought it was just as friends)

We both absolutely know we can't be together and it has to be no contact at all.

I have told DH it is finished.

I can't help thinking after all these years, what if I never get over him, what if I never stop wishing we could be together?

I have agreed no more emails/texts and have a friend who I can text instead.

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 09/01/2009 16:35

NAB at least you have a caring dh who is prepared to forgive you.

i went through total heart-break last year when me and dh broke up, i never cheated on him, and i had nobody to turn to.
You have had your heart broken, and yes it hurts like hell. But in a year it will have healed and you will feel great, concentrate on that and the wonderful family you already have!

Rubyrubyrubyknittedknickers · 09/01/2009 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pheebe · 09/01/2009 16:39

NAB, I do feel for you I really do but this is getting a bit OTT now. You've had some great support and encouragement and people have been incredibly supportive for you on here but you just seem to be ignoring all that and going round and round in circles and, quite frankly, attention seeking over this. I would almost say that you're getting too much sympathy to the extent its enabling your self pity/absorption at this point.

Its bad, I can only imagine how difficult but as madreingles said you need to pull yourself together and stop whinging about what you can't have and focus on what you do have. You are incredibly lucky, wake up and smell the roses.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:40

have poured the wine

deleted his photo and email

i will get through this

God know i have had enough practice getting over him

part of the hurt is the fear my marriage will never recover

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:42

i know i have posted before

he started it again

i know it is over for good this time

i just want help in getting my life back

i am the last person who would ever attention seek

i am doing this for help for the sake of my kids

i will not contact him again and will ignore if he does

i just can only think of one thing to end the pain

OP posts:
Rubyrubyrubyknittedknickers · 09/01/2009 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 09/01/2009 16:43

The only way for your marriage to recover is to stay away from this man and you've made good decisions on how to do that. Well done!

You can't get rid of your emotions though. You have a responsibility to feel them deeply of course but to not allow them to hurt those you love. Vent here but don't let these feelings tempt you into anything you may regret for the rest of your life.

Molesworth · 09/01/2009 16:45

No point in going on at her and making her feel even more guilty, people. Well done for finishing it. You'll feel like shit for a couple of weeks (expect to cry a lot), then it will start getting easier. Good luck.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:45

of course

which is why i wanted to tlak to you guys so it would all be out of my system before dh got home

it sometimes feels on here that one can't be honest and ask for help without having to be kicked first

i know what i have done us crap

i am sorry, but i am hurting so much

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:45

that was to ruby

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 16:46

it is finished

i can't go through this again or put my dh through it even if he didn contact me again which he won't

i just wanted some advice as to how to make it hurt less

OP posts:
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 09/01/2009 16:47

I've followed your threads, i've lost count of how many times you have said you won't contact him again.

Deleting his email and photo is hardly stopping contact is it. Delete his phone number, block his emails and on msn.
Stop wallowing in it all.

(meant in the nicest possible way).

Agree entirely with Ruby.

lou33 · 09/01/2009 16:48

I'd listen to dior, she knows what she is talking about

(btw dior, what was it i said that hurt?!)

Fimbo · 09/01/2009 16:49

Nab - where are your children right now? How old are they?

Pour the wine down the sink and go play with them.

My bil had an emotional affair and at the end of the day he couldn't leave his kids.

MadreInglese · 09/01/2009 16:49

"i just can only think of one thing to end the pain" - What exactly do you mean by that NAB? Are you feeling suicidal or do you mean something else?

Now that you have made the decision to finish it maybe you need something to look forward to, or steps to take to get yourself back on your feet. What are your plans now for your family?

Lulumama · 09/01/2009 16:49

your DH is a bit of an unsung hero really

you are kidding yourself if you think it is the same as it was 15 years ago

you are a different person now, you are a mother, a wife, you have grown up

he leaves his pants on the floor, burps, farts and doesn;t stack the dishwasher i'll bet. aswell as the fact he is emotionally cheating on his spouse ( as are you )

i really think that , in the nicest possible way, you have to get a hold of yourself

your DH is being so very understanding and patient, see it from his POV, his wife is heartbroken over not being able to be with another man

and he is standing by your side supporting you

maybe you think if you were with this man, your lfie would be perfect and you would not be struggling with whatever issues you are sttuggling with

but that is wishful thikning

it is not up to your DH or this other man to make you happy, but up to you

you have it within you and you need to stop navel gazing and look at how lucky you are and how great your life can be if you would stop obsessing over someone else

you need to stop , allow yourself until 12 midnight tonight to cry and wallow and then it stops

Monkeyblue · 09/01/2009 16:49

All the best with your DH

you have made the right decision(sp)common sense tells you that BUT it does`nt ease it

The pain will ease and you will get back to normarlity .

Please try and resist the urge to phone and text.

All the best

Rubyrubyrubyknittedknickers · 09/01/2009 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixSpot · 09/01/2009 16:51

NAB, I think Dior's advice is spot on.

Yes it hurts like hell now, but you need to take the bitter medicine now and cut off ALL contact.

Be strong.

You can do it.

Fimbo · 09/01/2009 16:52

MI - she said that before as well on another thread (not today) which made me worry a bit.

Northernlurker · 09/01/2009 16:52

Ther is no way I don't think to stop the pain. You just have to feel it for as long as you feel it - but don't let it rule you. This experience however hard, however huge it feels right now is not going to define the rest of your life - because you won't let it. Stay strong and put the wine away - go have a cup of tea and a cuddle with your children.

As mothers we often say that we would do anything for our children. Well this is what you have to do - take all the emotional mess and just swallow it. Dom't let it drive a juggernaut through your life and your husband's life and your children's lives.

Lulumama · 09/01/2009 16:58

sometimes tough love is needed.

there is no magic wand to be waved, no potion you can drink, you just have to deal with it, live through it and work through the emotions.

and that sucks

MadreInglese · 09/01/2009 17:01

NAB, I'm assuming you are feeling suicidal and feeling that you aren't getting the sympathy or responses you think you need from MN - you could try speaking to Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 or emailing them on [email protected]. Please consider it.

If I have the wrong end of the stick then just ignore me.

Lulumama · 09/01/2009 17:23

agree madreingles

robin3 · 09/01/2009 17:40

Sorry to sound harsh and don't know history but I can tell you that if your DH pulled the rung out from under you and left, it would help you realise what you stand to loose. All the thought you've been channeling in to your ex would suddenly be put in to saving your family. Sometimes an accepting partner is not such a great thing although DH sounds like a hero.

Try going to counselling with your DH and listen to his pain....it's got to be killing him and it may help you focus.

All the best.