Female friendships- how too make them work?

[poshsinglemum]

Don't get me wrong. I love my girlfriends- I really do and consider myself very much a girl's girl. Why is it then that I feel that many of my friendships with women are marred by competition, jealousy and bitchyness? Mine aswell as theirs'?
There are a lot of wondreful things about friendship with other women (I am closer to some of these friends than I have ever been with a man.)How then to strengthen the good things?
Or am I being a bitch by encouraging this discussion?

Hi curlygal,
You sound like my kind of girl. Yes, it really gets to me when people use my lack of social status to elevate themselves competetively. I hate feeling pitied because actually if I was with any of my ex boyfriends then that would really be something to pity me for! I have a single, no babies friend who keeps saying that my situation must be horrible for me. I think that she is being genuinely sympathetic actually which is lovely. I don't hate my situation, I love being a mum and I love my life. I am desperately sad that my ex partner is stuck out in Iran(long story) without a hope in hell of being allowed out of the country. He keeps phoning up when he's allowed saying how georgeous dd is but I'm trying not to let the sadness ruin my babymoon. In fact I don't want this part of my life to stop really.

Poshsinglemum, I reckon your friend is just jealous of you and trying to put you down, with not too subtle comments!!
Am shocked you are still talking to her tbh.

I was a single parent for the first year of ds's life and I loved it, there was no complications, no (major) money worries, we were content just dawdling along.
Sometimes I just long for those days again, when it was nice and easy(ish), no man to make a mess of things etc etc.

In fact, now im starting to get jealous of you!!

I remember reading somewhere "A friend is someone who knows all about you & likes you inspite of it." (Walt Whitman, I think). It's so true! i've got lots of mates, pals, whatever: mums who I see everyday at school & sometimes we'll go for a coffee but no more, really. Then I've got 3-4 close friends whom I've known for a few years and we share our nitty-gritty - joys, laughs, tears, worries, etc. Finally I'm fortunate enough to have a really close friend who's better than a sister cos no rivalry. The problem with the really close friend is that you have to deal with the emotional ups & downs like you do in a marriage. It's sometimes seems dangerous, somehow iyswim. I'm afraid of getting hurt.

Hi Lilacclaire,
Which friend of mine are you referring to? There are quite a few who have made comments!
Is it the one who said that my situation must be horrid or the one who has been making comments about 'normal' delivery? I seem to be surrounded by these so-called mates.
I agree that I do feel that my life is less complicated without a man right now esp. my ex man. I think that most people put their relationship on the backseat when their babies are young. I mean, I don't have time for myself, let alone dd but I love that I can concentrate on her. I can just get on with it without resentment about who is doing what chore. Also having a baby is like falling in love and I hear that some men get jealous as their mrs is clearly besotted with someone other than them. However, it is those wonderful supportive men that I envy. The kind who are there through pregnancy giving backrubs and cuddling me when I get mastitus etc. As it happens my ex is too much of a baby himself to be responsible for anyone else. He has seemed to have come round now and is being tremendously apologetic although- it's too late he's stuck out in f Iran after looking after sick Iranian relatives. Sometimes I feel that my life is the jeremy Kyle show!

Hi Cariboo,
Yes, the closer one gets to someone the bigger the risk of getting hurt. In the past I have made the error of getting far to close.

I am actually really glad that I wrote to my friend. Even if I was being unreasonable I didn't like what she said so I feel that I did the best thing. It's up to her how he responds and a true friend will refelect and there will be no hard feelings.

I think i'd have a lot more friends if i ever met some mumsnetters in real life.

You're all so eloquent and thoughtful - everyone i meet in real life at the moment seems to have bugger all interest in the wider world or analysing things or philosophising.

Where are you all hiding and would you please make your way to North Norfolk asap, i'm bored out of my brain

Hi total misfit
Unfortunately I live miles away from Norfolk and have no car, otherwise I would take you up on the offer.
I think that it is much easier to express oneself online than it is in rl and these threads are often done reflectively. i feel a bit guilty for spending so much time on here when I should be talking to dd but she's only 6 months old.
It's strange that I found it easier to write to my mate than to talk to her in rl. I still can't bring myself to read her reply. I am such a coward. I've always had this problem with boundaries in friendships and have been a doormat in the past which is why I started this thread I guess. Mabe it is my fault that I find my friendships so difficult. Have been reading a lot about toxic friends. Whenever I make new friends I am always very wary nowadays and don't like to get too close.
I have to say though, when I was pregnant and my partner had buggered off I did make a fantastic friend who really looked after me. I think she may have been broody. It's so sweet how many lovely women crowd round women with babies too. I feel like I have been reading too much into this friendship milarky!