Feeling really low- DH feels there is something "missing" from our marriage

[sickofthisrain]

We have 2 dc's, both very small. They are both demanding, one has mild SN, the other is just at the screechy and into everything age. I am a SAHM although would love to go back to work, had arranged to go back but my childcare arrangements have just fallen through. My life consists of looking after the children and running everything to do with the house as DH works away.

Since ds2's 1st birthday, DH has initiated a conversation on roughly a monthly basis where he's said, among other things, that he's bored with our relationship, we've gone stale, I don't talk about anything other than the children, he can't see how we can regain the spark we once had etc etc. He's told me he's thought about leaving and leaves the conversation open, saying he just doesn't know what to do. After each of these conversations, I feel dreadful for a few days, he acts almost as if nothing's happened, we get back on an evenish keel and then it all happens again. We don't argue and generally get on really well, but due to the demands of the dc's, we don't really spend any time without them, and life with them is demanding at the moment.

Over the last few weeks we've been getting on really well, and I've felt much happier about things, but last night he totally threw me by starting up with the same conversation again. This time he threw in the "familiarity breeds contempt" line. I didn't sleep last night and just feel awful now.

We moved to a new area for his job shortly after ds1 arrived, and I have no family anywhere nearby, and friends who I've only known a short time. DH then got a new job hundreds of miles away and works away most of the week, he has a high flying job and is treated to meals out, corporate entertainment etc. His life is very different from mine now we have children and I don't have a similar job. I do have interests of my own, and plenty of friends but my life revolves round the dc's at the moment, just because it has to. I try and make an effort with my appearance and haven't totally let myself go or anything.

I really don't know what to do - I know he's not being fair (tbh I can't quite believe how selfish he is being) but I don't know if I can make the decision to break up our family, I think he needs to realise the responsibilities he has and I'm not prepared to take the guilt out of it for him. I went to marriage counselling a couple of times, which really helped me, but DH won't go, he says they won't be able to tell him anything he doesn't already know.

I don't think there is someone else on the scene although he has a close female work friend who I have very vague suspicions about. She has a partner and dc.

What to do. This feeling is awful and I don't want to keep going through the same cycle over and over again.

What a selfish shit.
It's amazing how many men go off women when they are at home attending to home and hearth.

I wouldn't chase him (emotionally).It will probably make him worse.Can you develop (even more) OF A LIFE OF YOUR OWN? Dress up, go out, laugh on the phone with people he doesn't know,go back to college, take up a group sport? (All hard I know with small kids but if you have the money could be an option.

It sounds shit.What a fucking nerve, talking about leaving his own kids.

agree with Moondog - paying yourself more attention is a very good idea however things pan out. Given he refuses to go to counselling but is very happy to whinge at you, do you think he could be trying to push you into ditching him? Get legal advice or at least CAB - so you know what your position would be if you do split.

I started reading your post thinking 'don;t leap to judgement on DH' but WHAT A FUCKING ARSE!

Needed to say that.

You say your childcare fell through. If money's available, what other childcare options can you explore? Whether your DH is worth hanging on to or not, I think your first priority should be you right now - he's messing with your self-confidence and you need some time to get back to you again - remember who you were pre-DC, and why you're an interesting, interested person. Second MD's college/sport suggestion. What did you do for work before?

I am so sorry, sickoftherain - that sounds really shit indeed.

Unfortunately it is all too common that men get bored with their women at home and come to see them as uninteresting or not the women they married etc despite the fact that those same very women are enabling their own lifestyles.

I agree with moondog that you should try to focus on your own interests and friends (which luckily you say you have lots of). Perhaps continue the counselling as it seems to be helping you and keep working on DH to go to (but not in a nagging way which would be counterproductive).

You should also have a long hard think about whether YOU are happy and whether there are things that need to change (apart from DH's attitude obviously). For example, do you still want to work and if so why can't you sort out the childcare and go back?

Look after yourself. It sounds as if you are under huge pressures without much support.

And ask him what exactly he wants you to do. No point in raising general complaints. He knows the situation, he can see how things are, get him to tell you exactly how he thinks could improve. If he can't then tell he to stuff his malaise where the sun don't shine!

Arse !

I feel very angry on your behalf reading your post.

Yup, get to work on making a life for yourself. Except for a very small minority of women who genuinely want nothing more than a life of domesticity, being a SAHM with no social life totally fucks your self-esteem and mental health. If your DH has such a high-flying job he can afford to pay for babysitters while he is working away so you can go out. You need at least one night a week doing something enjoyable and not child-related (an evening class, the cinema, or just a drink in the pub with some mates, whatever you like best.)

I have to ask though, as you don't mention it: could all this complaining of his be as simple as he wants more sex and you haven't done it for months? If that is the answer, what you need to tell him is that it's only men who pull their wieght domestically who get a good sex life - a man who expects his wife to service him WRT cooking, cleaning, childcare and sex has made the last one into just another chore that she has no interest in performing for him.

would be very very very angry if i were you.

you need to sit him down and say 'ok-we have 2 children, someone needs to look after them. if you don't want me to do it because it makes me dull then what do you suggest?'

let him come up with some ideas about how things can change and improve instead of just putting out negative thoughts.

i would also suggest salting away as much cash as possible and making a back up plan because i think he may run. i think he maybe doing a cowardly 'prepeare her for the worst before it happens' thing. i'm sorry to say it but i do.

you do need to make some plans for when he IS home that involve you going out to have fun while leaving him alone with the children too.

I was a business manager before - worked for a large company, ran a small portion of it. Loved the sociable environment, but it was stressful and I wouldn't go back, it wasn't an office culture which went well with having children plus it's a fair Tew hours from here.

Will get on to the childcare, I was hoping to have someone come to us in kind of a day nanny role which is why it got complicated. Maybe a childminder would be an alternative for the moment.

Also need to sort some babysitting so I can have a life in the evenings..

I just can't believe he'd consider walking away from his own children either. They are so lovely, and changing every day at the moment. He loves them and is affectionate with them, but really his idea of looking after them is sitting watching Sky Plus while they create chaos around him. I can't believe how little he's interested in interacting with them, he honestly is far from the father I expected him to be.

Ironically his career is soaring while he's making a total mess of his home life.

he's a nob
i am so angry on your behalf

It's almost as if he thinks he's being brave by starting up these conversations. I appreciate that we need to communicate, but they don't go anywhere, and just leave me in floods of tears feeling totally insecure about the future.

Well that is exactly why he needs to come up with some suggestions. Not throw around pointless complaints.

he said last night, well there are two choices, we either make it work or go our separate ways. Can't fault that logic. I started to talk about what would happen if we did split, realistically I would have to move the children nearer my family, he'd have to decide where he wanted to live. I asked him what he thought he'd be going to - a one bed flat in the city?
I can't understand what is so bad about our life here (we have a lovely home, could have a good social life if he were here, the area is gorgeous) that he'd want to give it up for a single life. He isn't a laddy type of bloke, I can't see that he'd be out drinking with his friends every night given the opportunity.

Sickoftherain - I think I remember your previous thread. He is being very cruel.

I think you should be proactive here. Dont wait for the next conversation to be initiatated by him.

Tell him you are concerned at the regularity of his expressing dissatisfaction. Ask him what he wants to change. Ask him how HE is planning to make these changes.

i think you are planning exactly the right thing - your own life.

and i wouldnt be too scared - to make an off the cuff remark when washing up - along the lines of

"the kids are getting older, i will be working again with a good wage - and the social aspect that comes with it.

don't for one minute think that you are the onlyone bored mister, that by initiating these conversations you somehow imply that its MY fault.

remember this - it takes two to work at a marriage - and its not always going to be rosy.

even if you left me and the kids - and started up somewhere else and got more kids - do you really think that you would be happier - that things wouldnt be the same - bore of everyday life? howver you would have the added complication of your first family- and your money would be stretched even thinner.

and while your gone sweetie, dont think i am going to be sitting here rattling the chains on my chastity belt - i don't think so, i am a sexual being - and i need some too.

SO THINK ON, MR "i'm so bored"

life isn't all excitement, - but by all means - run of and shag someone excitedly on the office desk - but don't think that one day your children won't be calling someone else 'daddy'

you makes your choices you self absorbed arrogant prick

...oh look at me with a backbone, no more crying for me, you either try or we are through - YOU put yourself on notice , you silly silly man"

i truly think that men hate pathetic crying women

and as soon as you turn round and say " look at me, i will get my life together, i will be sexually active and i dont need you"

they think again

i truly truly believe this

Sorry x post

It doesn't sound to me like you'd be lost without him - it sounds like you're a resourceful woman who can get on very well. Yes it would be hard if he left, but if his career's soaring then he'll have to look after his children financially whatever happens. Have yourself a mental stocktake and see how insecure the future feels then - might it actually feel better without that extra should've grown up by now child to look after?

You're right unavailable, this is about my third similar thread! Things had so improved since the last one though, I really thought this was behind us and was looking forward to a new year.
I do hate the conversations. I find them so uncomfortable and distressing and I don't know really where it can lead, other than in a direction I don't want it to. I think I'm terrified of forcing him into a decision basically. I really do not want to be on my own with 2 small children if there is any reasonable way to avoid it. Neither do I wish to be a doormat though..

I do like custardo

You're already on your own with 2 small DCs from the sounds of it - get rid of the large one!

and custardo I know you're right. Those very tactics worked wonders for me with an ex years ago! If it weren't for the children I know I'd be telling him to stick it. I do not want to be in tears every 5 mins either, that really isn't me. I feel he is just grinding me further and further down, I just manage to recover and he does it again.

copy what custardo has said and read it out to him - word for word. if he still loves you, that should be a big enough kick in the bollocks to make him realise what he is doing.

Well done Custy.

It sounds as if he is trying to keep you off balance iyswim (you feel awful after these conversations, things get back to normal, better even, then he does it again.)

I agree with cutardo - plan your own life.

This has just occurred to me, and may be way off mark but - You have a good social network, and he is away alot... could it be that he does this in some way because he is insecure. He sees you coping well without him, and doesnt like it?

oh Good god, credit card bill has just arrived - there is an unexplained £40 transaction for Jo Malone just before Xmas. I'd actually seen him looking at the website too and assumed it might be something for me. Needless to say it isn't. He is due home any moment, coming home from work as ill. I am shaking.