Feeling really low- DH feels there is something "missing" from our marriage

[sickofthisrain]

We have 2 dc's, both very small. They are both demanding, one has mild SN, the other is just at the screechy and into everything age. I am a SAHM although would love to go back to work, had arranged to go back but my childcare arrangements have just fallen through. My life consists of looking after the children and running everything to do with the house as DH works away.

Since ds2's 1st birthday, DH has initiated a conversation on roughly a monthly basis where he's said, among other things, that he's bored with our relationship, we've gone stale, I don't talk about anything other than the children, he can't see how we can regain the spark we once had etc etc. He's told me he's thought about leaving and leaves the conversation open, saying he just doesn't know what to do. After each of these conversations, I feel dreadful for a few days, he acts almost as if nothing's happened, we get back on an evenish keel and then it all happens again. We don't argue and generally get on really well, but due to the demands of the dc's, we don't really spend any time without them, and life with them is demanding at the moment.

Over the last few weeks we've been getting on really well, and I've felt much happier about things, but last night he totally threw me by starting up with the same conversation again. This time he threw in the "familiarity breeds contempt" line. I didn't sleep last night and just feel awful now.

We moved to a new area for his job shortly after ds1 arrived, and I have no family anywhere nearby, and friends who I've only known a short time. DH then got a new job hundreds of miles away and works away most of the week, he has a high flying job and is treated to meals out, corporate entertainment etc. His life is very different from mine now we have children and I don't have a similar job. I do have interests of my own, and plenty of friends but my life revolves round the dc's at the moment, just because it has to. I try and make an effort with my appearance and haven't totally let myself go or anything.

I really don't know what to do - I know he's not being fair (tbh I can't quite believe how selfish he is being) but I don't know if I can make the decision to break up our family, I think he needs to realise the responsibilities he has and I'm not prepared to take the guilt out of it for him. I went to marriage counselling a couple of times, which really helped me, but DH won't go, he says they won't be able to tell him anything he doesn't already know.

I don't think there is someone else on the scene although he has a close female work friend who I have very vague suspicions about. She has a partner and dc.

What to do. This feeling is awful and I don't want to keep going through the same cycle over and over again.

part of the problem is that he just doesn't take leave from work. He took 2 weeks during the whole of 2008 and we were away with friends for that. Not a single other day was taken all year. He is truly a workaholic which means that I have total childcare responsibility 50 weeks a year.
Have suggested the long weekend, he sighs and says how busy he is at work. Also, i-ls about to go away for 3 months(!) so have no childcare at all during that time. Am getting a bit scared about how I'll cope tbh. There is no slack - if I'm ill or anything happens, it's just tough - I'm still in charge.

"i truly think that men hate pathetic crying women" is of course true but doesn't everyone feel a bit impatient with pathetic crying other halves? It's not confined to men.

Not that I think you are remotely pathetic but it does sound like you are a bit trapped and that whole Jo Malone episode sounded a bit worrying as if you are orbiting around DH rather than being able to be yourself. Is there anyway you can have some outlet outside the children? When are they old enough to go to nursery etc?

I think you need some childcare back up if your dp is away a lot. An au pair? Move nearer to family? A good childminder?

Can you meet up with him for a weekend while he is working away, without the kids? Or just insist on a weekend away - tell him you are sick of hearing things are boring!

Really sorry oure going through this. Have been going throug similar for over a year. Some differences - DH is not narcissist, isnt quite as obsessed by work and did agree to go to Relate.

I dont think someone else is necessarily involved at all - the fundamental is that he is disatisfied - it sounds very much Mid Life Crisis. I think thats what my DH had/has. He felt the kids had taken over our life (but what else can you do with 2 small children!)

Relate helped us in a way in that a lot of things got sorted out - but it put terrible strain on us - it really digs ou t all your problems that you might have buried - and Iv e found a lot of this very hard. Still it has stabilised us.

DH wants more freedom to do his own thing -and Ive realised that it doees strengthan a relationship when both do bring fresh stuff to it - but you also have to have a strong you as well -a tricky balancing act sometimes

Ive found the following useful: midlifeclub.com/

Also I have bought these 2 very recommended books: Ive skimmed the first and it has given me some useful pointers already. I havent read the second yet:

1 of: I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship

1 of: Staying Together: From Crisis to Deeper Commitment (Relate

WOuld your DH read a book rather than go to counselling -somee Mumsnetters have found that useful.

HTH

I think c/care is an issue here.

You have to have SOME slack some of the time.
What if you break your leg? He would have to do something at work about it then

Hi SOTR, been following this thread. It's very hard with young children - I have 4DC and me and DH are hanging on in there.

Is he coping with his job - why doesn't he want to take his full quota of holiday ? IMO if someone doesn't want to take their full quota of paid holiday there's something going on at work.

Just a thought.

Thanks everyone, I think I've probably been a little overprotective on the childcare front, because of dc1's mild special needs I have been so wary of leaving him with anyone I don't totally trust. His hours at nursery are being upped from next week, he loves it there so that should relieve me a bit. I don't think it will hurt dc2 to be with a childminder for a day a week, he is a lively bundle of energy and would probably enjoy more stimulation.

HAve been feeling dreadful over the past couple of days, not only because I have a stinking flu bug, just a horrid dull ache that this might be it and my children might grow up without a proper family evironment.

Spoke to MIL this morning, a casual chat turned into more of a serious talk about all of this. It turns out the entire family have been very concerned for a while about dh's detachment from his family and workaholic tendencies. She was amazingly understanding and supportive.

Have not been teary in front of DH since - I do hear the points about nobody respecting a snivelling wreck and that really isn't me anyway. I am going to suggest he goes to see my marriage counsellor on his own. Am so torn between saving my self respect and telling him to sod off or desperately trying to salvage this for the sake of the children.

Am also thinking more and more about his work "friend", have never had a reason to suspect him in 10 years but there is just something about her which is bothering me. She even called last night on a work matter, when he told me who it was, I said to him while walking out of the room, "I didn't realise the two of you were so friendly" I don't think it will hurt to let him know I'm on to it if there is anything going on.

That's great you've talked to your mil - and her having concerns is reassuring ibn a mad sort of way isn't it - you know it's not just you who can see this? I think you can salvage things - but your husband needs to recognise how serious things are and you asking him to go to counselling should help with that. Good Luck!

That's great that your MIL is supportive and things are out in the open with his family.

I feel hugely relieved that it isn't seen as me having the problem!! I've always got on well with his family, it's a huge extended family and I love them all despite them being a little barking at times.
MIL said they've all tried to talk to DH at separate times, but they don't know what it will take for him to listen, and they have serious concerns that he will lose his family (us.) MIL also said that she loved all of her children dearly but was well aware of their imperfections - she'd never be disloyal to DH but it's clear that she has massive concerns over his behaviour. I obviously spared lots of detail, I don't know how it would go down if I mentioned the narcissistic thing!

Your MIL sounds like quite a star.

she is. Don't get me wrong, she is fairly outspoken, opinionated and can definitely have her moments but I know I'm lucky that we have a good relationship and FIL is great too.

HI SOTR - that is so great your MIL was so supportive, and interesting that they have already tried to talk to him to no avail.

I have a friend who's DH has that narcissitic personality disorder and he is somewhat similar to your DH - away a lot, a workaholic, spends very little time with his DC and does not appreciate what my friend does. Like you, my friend was very capable and successful in her career (dentist) but is finding it hard to get back into it as she has no support with childcare. Her dad also has the same disorder so she is a bit paranoid that she 'chose' her DH partly for that reason. FWIW she is still with her DH, and struggles, but is happy although I think the happiness comes from her DC and herself despite her DH IYKWIM...

Also I really think that if you have some kind of hunch about this woman at work, then I wouldn't ignore it. Hunches don't come from nowhere and you know your DH better than anyone. Have you met her? If not, meeting her might help you to have a better idea?

So what is your plan now? Are you going to speak to your DH? Do you feel more inclined to stay or leave atm? Did you tell your MIL that you had considered leaving? I hope she is able to knock some sense into him. He is so foolish throwing all he has away and I am sure he will hugely regret it

thanks skidaddle, yes I have met her, she came for a meal over the hols with her dp and dc.. I'd said to DH I didn't think it was a good idea as the dc's and I were a bit poorly, and I didn't want to pass it on. He was sulky and then said he'd given her the option to cancel but she wanted to come anyway!
She is very nice, attractive and friendly. I liked her. I think maybe DH sees her as a more laidback, prettier and more interesting version of me.. Plus he sees her work persona most of the time. After they left DH commented that he didn't think she and her DP went well together..
We've always had friends of either sex and I've never had issues with it but I just have a little niggle. Perhaps it's an attraction thing which hasn't gone any further. I don't think it's a physical thing unless I'm being totally naive.
I do wonder what kind of person would get involved with a married man with two tiny dc's..
I spoke to DH last night and said we really needed to sort out a plan to move forward. He said that sounded omminous. I plan to ask him to go to counselling with me, to see if anything can be salvaged. Otherwise I think we need to start looking at putting the house on the market and considering practicalities. Our options are that he changes job to be in our area permanently, we all relocate to where his job is (London) or I move with the children to be nearer my family.
I intimated to MIL as much as I could that things needed to change. She knows the score so knows that it's serious. I'm usually so loyal about him, I think it's shocked her to hear me criticise him in any way.

I understand about your friend being happy through her dc, I'm kind of the same. I give and get a lot of love and affection from them so the absence of it from DH has probably been less noticeable because of that..

Good luck sotr. Nail your dh down.

Thinking of you

thanks fizzbuzz, I'm a bit scared of what might happen but do need to get on with it for my sanity.

hi SOTR - how are things? Have you managed to have a proper talk?

hi skidaddle, thanks for asking, Yes we have had a talk, I couldn't get hold of him on a couple of occasions when he was working away and when he finally phoned I couldn't hold it in. It's really got everything out in the open, he was shocked and upset and has agreed to come with me to Relate (massive step for him) and that things need to change.

In reality I think we need to move nearer to his work, it's not working out where we're living at the moment and I'm miserable being left constantly alone with the dc's in an area where I'm miles from my friends. He's miserable as he works non stop and doesn't have time to live. I think he's having a bit of a stress induced breakdown tbh. The narcissistic stuff may have been evident recently but I've known him over 10 years, and it hasn't really been there before. He's been acting very out of character.

I asked him if he was having an affair, he says no, and I do believe him. He's normally so over honest, I think he would find it hard to lie directly to me.

The next step is hopefully a family holiday, some counselling sessions, a house move and him reducing his workload. I think it's going to be a long process but hopefully we can recover our spark if we actually have some time to be together. He's called me several times a day since our conversation so is hopefully willing to put the work in.

Fingers crossed..

Oh that is fantastic news SOTR. I really really hope it works out for you. At least he is willing to try, which it didn't seem like he was before. I thought you might have to leave him to jolt him into action but how wonderful that it hasn't come to that.

It sounds like moving house will make a huge difference, and hopefully he, as well as you, will get something out of the counselling sessions.

Please let us know how you get on. So pleased for you

That sounds promising- good for you. I really hope it works out for you, you sound like you are doing the right thing x x