Feeling really low- DH feels there is something "missing" from our marriage

[sickofthisrain]

We have 2 dc's, both very small. They are both demanding, one has mild SN, the other is just at the screechy and into everything age. I am a SAHM although would love to go back to work, had arranged to go back but my childcare arrangements have just fallen through. My life consists of looking after the children and running everything to do with the house as DH works away.

Since ds2's 1st birthday, DH has initiated a conversation on roughly a monthly basis where he's said, among other things, that he's bored with our relationship, we've gone stale, I don't talk about anything other than the children, he can't see how we can regain the spark we once had etc etc. He's told me he's thought about leaving and leaves the conversation open, saying he just doesn't know what to do. After each of these conversations, I feel dreadful for a few days, he acts almost as if nothing's happened, we get back on an evenish keel and then it all happens again. We don't argue and generally get on really well, but due to the demands of the dc's, we don't really spend any time without them, and life with them is demanding at the moment.

Over the last few weeks we've been getting on really well, and I've felt much happier about things, but last night he totally threw me by starting up with the same conversation again. This time he threw in the "familiarity breeds contempt" line. I didn't sleep last night and just feel awful now.

We moved to a new area for his job shortly after ds1 arrived, and I have no family anywhere nearby, and friends who I've only known a short time. DH then got a new job hundreds of miles away and works away most of the week, he has a high flying job and is treated to meals out, corporate entertainment etc. His life is very different from mine now we have children and I don't have a similar job. I do have interests of my own, and plenty of friends but my life revolves round the dc's at the moment, just because it has to. I try and make an effort with my appearance and haven't totally let myself go or anything.

I really don't know what to do - I know he's not being fair (tbh I can't quite believe how selfish he is being) but I don't know if I can make the decision to break up our family, I think he needs to realise the responsibilities he has and I'm not prepared to take the guilt out of it for him. I went to marriage counselling a couple of times, which really helped me, but DH won't go, he says they won't be able to tell him anything he doesn't already know.

I don't think there is someone else on the scene although he has a close female work friend who I have very vague suspicions about. She has a partner and dc.

What to do. This feeling is awful and I don't want to keep going through the same cycle over and over again.

sotr - thinking of you - you are a lovely person and you and your babies deserve better you know. To be cherished not despised. Very for you to.

I have just read through your September thread, sotr,
as well as this one and the story that emerges between the lines
is not at all pleasant.
Unfortunately I agree with the Janitor's hunch. Sorry

Ask him some very pointed questions tonight.
This has festered for far too long and needs to be addressed urgently.

From what you have posted I disagree with others that he is an arse.
His recent behaviour has been unacceptable, certainly,
but he actually sounds like a guy worth fighting for.

Next time he starts call his bluff.say yeah you're right it isn't the same and I am feeling bored with you too.I bet it won't take him long to see sense.He is full of bravado because he is calling the shots and reducing you to tears with his put downs and insults.Play him at his own game I don't think he'll like it one bit

oh dear, I take it he's home? Hope you manage to sort things out one way or the other. Agree with NL that you sound like a really lovely, capable person who will do briliantly alone, if that's what it comes to.

well, he's back - his mobile rang while he was on his way home and he spent an hour discussing budgets with the office in a layby. That is entirely plausible. He's been really ill since coming home and has gone to bed.

The Jo Malone bits were a Xmas gift for his PA shared jointly with a colleague. He said he'd meant to return and get me something but had run out of time, had then tried to order online but been too late. There was nothing shifty about the explanation but I'm surprised at myself for leaping to conclusions so quickly, he's never given me any real reason to mistrust him.

So how do I force this situation? Tell him to shape up or ship out? I know everyone thinks he is planning to run but I honestly don't know where he would go - he lives out of hotels with work, and has nowhere other than his parents near home, and I can't think that they'd take him in - also our mortgage is large and running two places would be financially stretching us.

oh good well at least that is that sorted.

in terms of what to do next, I think custy's advice is great - say something along the lines of, 'if you are so unhappy and bored then do something about it and leave. If you are committed to making the marriage work then put some bloody work into it.' He absolutely can't have it both ways. Then as suggested, focus on having some fun yourself and show him that actually you won't collapse into a heap if he goes and see what happens...

It is a horrid situation but I think it needs drastic action or else it will just go on and on.

Sorry to rock the boat here but i think that your DH behaviour is still suspicious. i would be tempted to tell him that when you saw the credit card you did wonder if he was having an affair because it would provide an explanation for his other unreasonable behaviour. You say you have no reason to mistrust him but your first post did raise a concern about a co-worker.

tell him that he keeps saying he is unhappy but that he then does nothing to make any changes and just repeats his moans a few weeks later and that this behaviour seems designed to both upset you and put the onus on you to make some changes. Ask him why he is keen for YOU to take responsibility for this problem, when clearly he is the one who has the problem.

he sounds like a coward and tbh i would be suspicious as to why he seems to want you to be the one to make a decision.

sorry - i really feel for you but you sound like you deserve better. you already have two kids that you manage on your own. what is your husband really bringing to the table. i think if you make him realise he is dispensable (after all he will still be paying for everything no matter what happens ... ) he will realise that he doesn't want to go anywhere...

You can always force the Relate issue - say that you've had enough of his whinging and if he wants to talk about the relationship to do it with a trained professional in the room?

And prioritise yourself [stern look]. Get the childcare sorted, find a rewarding job, remember who you used to be and why you're a valuable, resourceful person. Don't rise to the undermining, carping etc - 'off you fuck then' might have been overused on MN lately (although not IMO ) but fits the case perfectly here.

He may or may not be having an affair, but is that the biggest problem you can imagine? I'd be inclined to think that his ongoing behaviour to you and your DCs is actually more important at the moment - affairs can be recovered from but emotional abuse and neglect can scar you for life.

Finally, you say you don't want your MIL to be upset, but maybe she might be a good person to talk this through with? Get some backup so your DH/WH can see that his behaviour really isn't on?

I do wonder what MIL would have to say. She is a firm believer that you shouldn't stay in unhappy marriage for the sake of the children, (BIL stayed in a violent marriage for many years out of a sense of duty) but she is also very clear to DH that he is already missing out on some of the magic of his children growing up. I have also protected DH a lot, playing down his selfish behaviour sometimes to save her worrying.

don't protect him , but I wouldn't confide in MIL - as if chips are down it would be against the grain for any mother to completely side against their child.

Have a chat then. I'm sure she'd be more upset if you got to an irrecoverable position without telling her, and then ended up moving back near your own family so she couldn't see as much of her DGCs...

Have you googled for local CMs and nurseries yet? [another stern look]

Totalchaos - I don't think I'd ever side completely against my DS, but I'd certainly be kicking him up the arse if he got himself into this position - wouldn't you?

Am going to talk to childminding friend tomorrow and see if she can take the children. I'm not keen on the local nurseries, they don't have the best reputation due to paying rock bottom wages and therefore ending up with very young and inexperienced staff who leave after a few weeks. Given dc1's additional needs, this isn't really a viable option for him especially.

Am thinking of saying to dh he has a week of thinking time to come up with a plan of action. He's working away all next week so this should give him plenty of time to think. I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that going it alone with the boys would be better than this horrid uncertainty and insecurity. At least I'd be more in control. Fortunately I should be ok financially, besides DH earning well, my own family are in a position where they can and want to help the children, and I know money has already been put aside for their futures.

I really can't believe I'm in this position with 2 such young children. I think I need to grit my teeth and get on with some practicalities now.

Hi sickofthisrain

I really feel for you.

I am in a similar position and have been for over a year.

My DH decided it just wasn't working between us, we separated, got back together again and a year down the line its the same thing (I've posted before).

To be honest with you it seems like the issues are his. As they were with my DH. It's almost like my DH is having a mid-life crisis in his late 20's. It's like having another child. This really immature and selfish behaviour comes in to play.

What they don't realise is that if it wasn't for you being at home with the DC's, then he would not be able to have his lifestyle at all.

When women have babies, they tend to grow up a lot faster then men. Sometimes men's behaviour gets very strange, not knowing how to cope with the extra responsibility, extra pressures etc. Even though they may love their children they can start to think back to the old days of being footloose and fancy free.

Unfortunately, most women put their lives on hold to become a "mum". I say unfortunately not because to have children isn't wonderful, it is, but you loose your indentity (well I did). But I think that's only natural because for at least a year or so, your main goal is looking after your baby. Its only human.

But some men, idiots that they are, loose sight of what a MAJOR SACRIFICE you are making for the sake of your family and act like complete knobs.

You need to address this issue for your sake. You don't want to carry on feeling like this.

I've got a grumpy arse husband who is a fair weather friend to me, we are supposed to be separating because his life is so miserable (yes, it's miserable going out for drinks with friends, doing courses for yourself and generally not even considering that your DW has a life of their own) sitting on the sofa next to me, still spending time with me and our DD, but acting like it's the worst thing he's ever done.

Believe me it makes you feel like rubbish. You don't want to spend the next year or so feeling dreadful. I have, spending every waking moment wondering what I've done, why is he so miserable, where did it all go wrong, what have I done etc etc. It's not nice and you don't need to be like that.

So, whilst I realise that this situation is awful, I've started going to the gym, taking more interest in getting my hair done, putting lovely make-up on, telling him that I'm going out, and thiking, "you know what, I can't change him, but I can change ME".

Its a terrible issue to be in, but keep posting and we will all cheer you up and support you along the way.

Your situation can be sorted out, but I think your husband needs to think does he want to be a lad out and about and pleasing himself - or does he want to be a family man.

Or he may even need to learn the hard way.

In the meantime, chin up - I'm thinking of you x

Good luck with the practicalities SOTR - I'm hoping taking some of the control back will give you an immediate boost, and you can start to plan the rest of your life with your DCs, and DH as an optional extra if he behaves .

Idon'tlikecricket (love that name, would be v apt for me too..) your post brought tears to my eyes. This sucks doesn't it? And it is exactly midlife crisis stuff, I just don't understand what's brought it on. I'm considered by his mates to be one of the more reasonable wives, I don't have him on a leash, nag him, or deprive him of doing anything he wants to do. His commitment of time to us all is negligible really. If we separated he would have to do far more for the children than he currently does.

Write out custardo's post into a letter, leave it for him by the kettle and say you've gone to Formentera for a week, to think about the sacrafices you've been making and whether any of it's been worht it or not.. Nappies, formula, washing powder etc where it's always been

Sickofthisrain, you make a good point there, NOW, I actually get a whole day to myself every now and then, and I'm not rushing back to try and limit x's stress. I leave him with two snotty nosed whinging fussy eaters and say 'see ya' and then I go and have my hair done, read paper in a coffee shop, have lunch with a friend, potter 'round the shops.... When I was with my x, he never did anything, shopping, cooking, childcare, nothing everything was my job. So it's a break to get a day off.

It's not ALL bad I tell you

Hi sotr
It certainly does suck.

I don't think you'll ever get to the bottom of it completely. What you have to realise and what people keep telling me is it's not your fault.

I'm the same as you, my DH has been free to pursue activities/sports/hobbies etc and I've been pleased for him to do so. In the meantime, I've been staying here at home with my DD.

It's sad really, but I was thinking today that you do stand alone in the world, you have to make your own choices. Whilst when you are in a marriage you can or should be able to rely on one another, you can't always. So you've got to learn to rely on yourself.

It's hard to think back to the days when I didn't seem so needy and unsettled. But deep down I do know that I can get back to my old self with or without the GOA (grumpy old arse).

If you separated, your DH may make mistakes, but may also realise what he's given up. Its up to you what you are prepared to put up with.

I realised that I am afraid of separating because of the what ifs....etc..etc but if we separated and he became involved with someone else then it shows you that they are really not worth it.

I've told my DH that if we did separate he is creating a new set of issues, new families, step-parents, money worries etc etc and he will never resolve his issues by running away.

But you cant control them, or their decisions. In a way that alleviates some of the responsibility of caring about the GOA for you.

I'm now planning to start a part time course next September and put my DD into childcare. My GOA thinks its a great idea (I think deep down he thought I was quite boring because I enjoy making cakes, being mummy, doing arts and crafts etc) - but now is the time for me to re-emerge after nearly 3 years of being at home full time.

Perhaps you could look into something for you?

Please dont think you are going through this alone, I used to think everyone else had perfect marriages apart from me. But then you realise that alot of people are in the same or similar boat. Like BT says, it's good to talk!

My DH got in a real strop and didn't talk to me for about a week and then complained that I was completely absorbed in my DD and never spent any time with him. I pointed out that she is a CHILD(!) and if he wants to join in, he is more than welcome. Also pointed out that he doesn't have to let me know if he is going out with his mates for a beer, going on holiday for 3 days, or even just having a shower ..... I seemed to be the only child carer in the house. He has bucked up his ideas a bit, following a few home truths.

I was going to suggest next time he mentions he isn't happy you tell him he is free to go. See what he does then. IMO men are cowards and will start being mean to their OHs to get them to make the decision so they can say she did it, she made me leave, she took my kids away, etc etc.

There is only one thing you can do and that is talk to him and make it clear you will not have another month where he says this stuff to you.

i don't think it's anything to do with you being a sahm....i've been a sahm for years and my dh adores me.

he'd probably be like this if you were cherie blair...situations like this are about individuals, not situations iykwim.

i hope things work out for you all.

Yes, you can't carry the weight of his discontentedness on your shoulders. Tell him you're content. But that you can't 'fix' him as well as continuing to make ALL the sacrafices for parenthood alone with none of the compensations, such as a husband who values you and loves you.

Making ALL these sacrafices is tolerable only if it's a team thing. Why would any woman make the sacrafices only to collapse on to the sofa and listen to her husband moaning at her that he's not fulfilled.

You have to make it plain to him that two can make a list of what's bothering them!!

You know that fairground attraction song!? Well you had your fun, do you think I'd none?? Leave that playing on you tube

NAB3 that's true, my x loves his victim status as the dumpee. He really does.

Idon'tlikecricket and Custardo have given excellent advice, as have others.

You can't live like this SOTR, time to take control. Stop hiding his whiny, selfish attitude towards you and dc from others. You may need their support later.

I also have a tiny niggle that he is somehow paving the way to leave you or justify some extra-marital shenanigans. I would have your bullshit antenna switched to "high alert" if I were you.

Good luck, and carry on posting.