Feeling really low- DH feels there is something "missing" from our marriage

[sickofthisrain]

We have 2 dc's, both very small. They are both demanding, one has mild SN, the other is just at the screechy and into everything age. I am a SAHM although would love to go back to work, had arranged to go back but my childcare arrangements have just fallen through. My life consists of looking after the children and running everything to do with the house as DH works away.

Since ds2's 1st birthday, DH has initiated a conversation on roughly a monthly basis where he's said, among other things, that he's bored with our relationship, we've gone stale, I don't talk about anything other than the children, he can't see how we can regain the spark we once had etc etc. He's told me he's thought about leaving and leaves the conversation open, saying he just doesn't know what to do. After each of these conversations, I feel dreadful for a few days, he acts almost as if nothing's happened, we get back on an evenish keel and then it all happens again. We don't argue and generally get on really well, but due to the demands of the dc's, we don't really spend any time without them, and life with them is demanding at the moment.

Over the last few weeks we've been getting on really well, and I've felt much happier about things, but last night he totally threw me by starting up with the same conversation again. This time he threw in the "familiarity breeds contempt" line. I didn't sleep last night and just feel awful now.

We moved to a new area for his job shortly after ds1 arrived, and I have no family anywhere nearby, and friends who I've only known a short time. DH then got a new job hundreds of miles away and works away most of the week, he has a high flying job and is treated to meals out, corporate entertainment etc. His life is very different from mine now we have children and I don't have a similar job. I do have interests of my own, and plenty of friends but my life revolves round the dc's at the moment, just because it has to. I try and make an effort with my appearance and haven't totally let myself go or anything.

I really don't know what to do - I know he's not being fair (tbh I can't quite believe how selfish he is being) but I don't know if I can make the decision to break up our family, I think he needs to realise the responsibilities he has and I'm not prepared to take the guilt out of it for him. I went to marriage counselling a couple of times, which really helped me, but DH won't go, he says they won't be able to tell him anything he doesn't already know.

I don't think there is someone else on the scene although he has a close female work friend who I have very vague suspicions about. She has a partner and dc.

What to do. This feeling is awful and I don't want to keep going through the same cycle over and over again.

By the way - me doing a course is for ME only and not for the git of a husband.

It might not be everyone's cup of tea to go out to work or do a course and to be a SAHM is a wonderful thing

I meant you need to do something for you. Even if it's going for walk, getting a pedicure.

Hope that makes sense!!! xxx

and why the feck should I feel bad for talking about the dc's to DH? Other than what I see or read in the news, or the people I've met at playgroup that day, or really mundance household stuff, what else can I possibly talk about? There has been a lot to discuss with dc1's needs, I don't think he really has a clue how stressful it's been trying to sort schools, support etc. When I asked him to come and look round a potential school with me, he asked if he really had to, he'd been there 20 years before, wasn't that enough??

I think I'm starting to feel a bit angry now. He's upstairs feeling ill and I'm not really feeling like being a nursemaid, I've just left him to it. I'm also feeling rotten and would love the chance to go to bed for an afternoon.

I've tried to explain to dh that a lot of the time life is mundane and repetitive when you're looking after two little ones, and that it's the same for everyone to a certain extent. Not everyone is living a Disney ad lifestyle and there are people out there with job losses etc who have a lot more to deal with than us. I think he has grass is greener syndrome to a certain extent.

any, you are right.

They can make excuses that "I was so unhappy at home and this woman made me feel so great" blah blah blah crap.

But, sotr, you can't think about that. Those excuses are invalid and if your Dh was to go off and have an affair, then it's out of your control and not your fault. It's their own choice.

Think about you! And what YOU want.

Are you there????

Idontlikecricket, I understand what you mean, don't worry. I do want to retrain, the course I want to do is fairly demanding so it might need to wait until both dc's are at school but I've started looking into it.

The more I look at my life, the more I realise there is absolutely nothing in there just for me at the moment. I never ever get a break from the children unless you count a 20 min dash to the supermarket. DH tells me I should take time for myself, but makes it hard to actually do that- he always has urgent work things to do, an errand or is feeling unwell so I am obliged to look after the children instead. When we moved we're now so far from my best friends, it's beyond reach even for an overnight trip. I feel so isolated and trapped.

Is your DH working tomorrow?

If he is not, tell him you are going out for the am. Go and do whatever you want to.

Get out of the house on your own. You need to for your sake.

My DH has the grass is greener syndrome. Probably because his friends are all in their 30's, no kids, go out for dirnks when they want, renting, no responsibilities, can go wild etc etc etc.

Then when he comes home here, its pooey nappies, cbeebies, a wife with no make up on and crap all over her.

Well they both need to GROW UP AND STOP BEING SELFISH!

They can go out there and experience the "real world" and ten years down the line realise what a stupid mistake they've made, whilst we will be ten years more intelligent, with some very hunky fit men, who wait on us hand and foot (ok and I am allowed to dream). And they'll be like, who will love me with my no hair and fat middle aged spread and single bed apartment and no car. And you'll be like, I'm sorry Ronaldo, my 6ft6 hunk is just going to cook my dinner and take me out for drinks, so cant talk.

lol idon'tlikecricket!! I think you are absolutely right though in that I am almost positive that if SOTR's DH (or your) does leave, it is just a matter of time until he comes back with his tail between his legs. I have seen this happen so many times I've lost count. Of course the grass isn't greener and he will miss out on the most precious thing anyone could ever have which is watching his children grow up.

SOTR - I'm glad you are getting angry - you have every right to. Why don't you go and tell him right now that you are going for a lie down/going for a coffee. You are both feeling ill, you should both get some time to yourselves.

You will be so fine without him if it comes to that, and when he does come mooching back, as i am SURE he will, you can decide whether you want him back on your terms or whether you have discovered that actually life is far preferable without him.

Don't think it won't be hard though. I would not take DH back as I know he would flee again at the next problem, but I am mourning the loss of the future I thought I had.
I was unhappy before but quite prepared to sit it out. Now I feel deflated. Also the real reason DH says he left is so awful that I can't tell anyone as I don't want to upset the children. It will take a lot for me to trust someone again.
Do see if you can make it work before you give up for good. Financially I find myself in my mid forties having to take on an enormous mortgage for the rest of my working life, while DH can buy a 2 bed flat with the money I need to give him. It is easy to be bitter at the way things have worked out. I hope you can have more success and a second stab at happiness.

Sherbert, I don't know what that means, but I feel for you cos it sounds like you have an EXTRA layer of 'oh my God' on top of the normal five layers of regret, sadness, envy, insecurity and anger that most of us have crawling out of the wreckage of a relationship.

he keeps asking me if I'm ok and apologising for being in bed and not helping put the children to bed. (He's genuinely ill, been throwing up all afternoon and looks like death warmed up.) I am being perfectly pleasant and civil but with a don't mess with me edge.

It turns out he has lots of pressure at work this week, I don't doubt it but it is so much of his making, I don't know how much sympathy I can muster.

Sherbert, I feel for you. Whatever his reason supposedly is, don't automatically believe it. My friend's exh came up with the most ridiculous reasons for leaving her (for some American girl he met over the internet fgs) and it took ages to put her self esteem back together.

Custardo i'd like to memorise your words and use them. The OP could be me except for the fact my DH has already fucked off having decided that life is not exciting enough raising 2 v.young kiddies. I can't muster any sympathy about pressure at work...lalala -any SAHM knows the pressures/tedium/bloody hard graft of raising babies and small children.

Boils down to the fact that some men are just complete tw*ts and will leave their families. these ones are the boys not men.

Get that haircut/fake tan/nice clothes on and tell him to go fck himself.

Am lolling at the sheer amount of posts I could have written myself on here.

haircut already booked in for next weekend, full cut and highlights! Weight loss plan starts here, want to lose a stone and be back in size 10 by summer. I always feel a bit more confident when I'm slimmer, I feel slobby at the moment but twice weekly aerobics sessions had to stop when he started working away. May enlist MIL for babysitting so I can go again.

Am still struggling to understand DH's potential rejection of the children, never mind me. I just don't get it. He can't see past this hard work stage (despite me doing all the graft and him just wafting in and passing judgement on it) to a stage where the children will become slightly more independent, be able to have proper conversations with us etc. I must admit I'm not one for the baby phase particularly, I mainly find it drudgery if I'm really honest, but I can see how they're changing every day and how ultimately it will become a little easier in many ways.

My ex dp was like this.

Kind, loving, caring, would do anything for you....but could not cope with drudgery of young children and left. (no one else involved)

He then had more children and subsequently left them at the same age.

He is the problem not you, and is being...well cruel, stringing you along. If he thinks somehing is missing, tell him to find the missing ingredient. You have done what you can to help him, by patiently waiting and dsicussing, and offering to go to Relate. It's his turn now. I know how hard it is to be strong in the face of this sort of thing...... He sounds like he is throwing himself into work to avoid the demands of home (this is just what my dp did)

Can you not go for an extended holiday with your family to help you, and leave him to get his head sorted out (although this may just be indulging him, BUT I think it might help you.

Small children are hard hard work, and some men just don't seem able to cut the mustard with it, whilst still appearing to be kind, fun etc BUT they haven't grown up. How old is your dh?

Hello again sotr

Well done - hope you love the new hair and good luck with the weight loss plan, you can do it!

It's hard to get your head around the rejection of the children, but I don't think it's them - it's not that he doesn't love them but he can't see past his own issues or get any clarity maybe? That's what my DH is like.

I say this to him, you know, how can you leave your child behind - like it happened to him when he was young by his mum, but he doesnt see it like that.

I think when you are both feeling better, you need to have a real chat together. And also lay out some new rules - tell him how it makes you feel and tell him you want some time off to do what you want to do.

Oh but it's quite funny, my DH getting v.suspicious of who I am talking to on the internet and he keeps trying to look at the screen - saying to me "ah are you talking to a single dad about the problems you're having...." and I said to him are you wanting me to and he is now saying "it's a free country, you can do what you like" and then every now and then darting over to read my screen....

Better go as he's trying to read my screen....

good girl sickoftherain- i'm the same. Losing weight makes me feel more in control and confident and a haircut is always good. I can't understand how some men can walk away...I guess you can never really know someone.

he's early 30's. Things went rapidly downhill once he got a new top job, I don't know if he's so used to people deferring to him at work he can't cope with his position in real life or what. He doesn't seem to be able to relate to friends either unless he is sure of the hierarchy (has to be earning more, driving a better car etc - this is unsaid but I'm aware that he's conscious of his status. I find this a bit repellent.)

I'm also thinking about his work "friend." While I do think at the moment they are just friends, I think he is probably comparing boring me to fun, attractive her. And it isn't like for like when he's seeing her in a work environment where she is bubbly and professional, she wouldn't ask him to fix the car or toaster, or see him first thing in the morning, for example. She also has a dp who has been out of work (banking thing I think) and so has plenty of childcare for their only child. Of course she is less stressed and more chilled out - I would be in that position!!

Yep just like my dp, new top job, early 30's. Power went to his head....(he later lost that so important top job...)

What is worse? Living like this with feeling uncertain all the time, or actually having it out and confronting it?
(I know they are both awful)

I never wanted my ds to be bought up by one parent, as this is what happened to me. However he is now 15, and absolutely fine, and it really hasn't been that bad at all. I later met someone else who would never behave like my ex dp.........

I wish I could offer you some more advice, but can only offer sympathy. It is awful...but he is the one who is being awkward.....you will reach a decision at some point,even no decision is still a kind of decsision...

I know - he is turning into a bit of a cliche. All the male managers and directors (bar one) were like this at the office where I worked. I used to really feel for their wives when they came into the office with their dc's, and hadn't a clue what their other halves were up to. While they were all playing around (and I may be being really naive but I don't think dh is, he's put on some weight and let his shoulders go hairy -something he used to be concerned about.. !) and I think he'd be a little more vain if he was planning on undressing for someone else.

Am so cross with him now. I no longer feel I want to make his life comfortable, he's been taking the piss out of me for far too long.

I can't stop thinking of selfish things he does - he can't walk into a room where I'm watching tv without somehow forcing me to change the channel, for example. If I insist on watching it he'll start the sarky comments ,"I can't believe you watch this rubbish" and so on, while sighing and fidgeting. It gets so uncomfortable I end up giving in and letting him switch to sport or something.

I'm painting a rotten picture but until last year he was a kind, funny, caring husband - albeit a bit selfish but until we had dc2 that wasn't so obvious. He's still ill or I would be dealing with this.

Sorry sotr

I think perhaps he needs a good kick up the backside and a good talking to or talking together.

I dont think all is lost but you need to reaffirm yourself and tell him in order to get the missing whatever it is (his brains????? ) back, you need to work together and he needs to understand you better! And help you out!

I'm having a rubbish day too (just started new post) so am feeling your pain!

thanks cricket, and thanks everyone else for your advice, and for reading this far. It really helps to get some of this out, and I appreciate it must be a bit dull to read my wafflings!! I have only confided in one person in RL and don't want to burden her.

Snap- my DH was the same- got new job and the power seemed to go to his head too. All of a sudden he changed from being the person I thought he was to someone I no longer recognise. He is also 'involved' with someone at work tho denies this. Sadly I can't see us being able to resolve this tho. He has moved out and we rarely even hear from him except the odd sunday visit. I have 2 very young Dc's and can't believe he doesn't want to know what is happening with them. They change every day and he really is the loser for his decision. Sorry for thread hijack!

Happy New Year by the way

oh and he is in his early 30's too...can we see a pattern emerging here or what?

I was reading the passive aggressive thread last night and it mentioned narcissistic personality syndrome. I googled it out of interest and then realised to my shock that he actually fit 25 out of the 30 criteria mentioned..

groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/isyourpartneranarcissist1.msnw

It was like a load being lifted - suddenly his behaviour starts to make sense, and no wonder I can't do anything right. It's all fairly subtle, he doesn't try and control who I see, what I wear etc but now I'm aware of it, I notice him criticising everything in a passive aggressive way, the flavour of crisps I'd chosen to buy for our Boxing Day party was last night's example. Apparently I "should have known" that he prefers lightly salted to all others..

get him to take a weeks leave to look after the kids - and then you can go and see your friends & family for a week and he can be a stay at home dad for a week.

tell him familiarity breeds contempt - so you need to see the unfamilar (your friends) and so does he (his dcs)

Could the two of you go for a long weekend without the children?

If you can work out that you both want to be together and not just for the sake of the children then that would be very positive.

If you can't stand each other on the other hand that also points you in a clear direction.