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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it acceptable for a married man to call on a single woman after the pub shuts?

526 replies

harman · 08/12/2008 11:21

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
UnfortunatelyMe · 08/12/2008 18:14

Can we come next time, you seem to have a better time than us and our coffee

littlelapin · 08/12/2008 18:16

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harpsichordcarrier · 08/12/2008 18:17

lol at jingle bells.
yes all are welcome at the HC Den of Iniquity.
I am now thinking that I must be the talk of the village with my Loose Urban Ways

lou33 · 08/12/2008 18:17

harman is not the type of woman to be interested in a married man and nor is unfortunately me

BitOfFun · 08/12/2008 18:21

Lou, you left off the

(I have been reading the thread about Things Experienced MNers Do...)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/12/2008 18:23

OMG! Tinsel is so last century

This thread is bonkers. I'm with LL, sticksanta, chiefelf and Harpsi.

There seem to be a great many stereotypes (of the man and woman hating kind) bandied about on here. I thought I'd stepped into the 1890's when I clicked on this thread

Can't believe Harman was accused of being a troll either Definitely a sign of the times....!

sticksantaupyourchimney · 08/12/2008 18:26

I also find that people who bleat that they ought to be 'shown respect' ie people should obey their every whim and be afraid of the consequences of displeasing them, are the ones that don't deserve anything other than derision.
IF you are insecure then get the fuck over yourself: it's your problem and no one else's. It's never going to do you any good or make any of your relationships better to cling and whine and spy on your partner and stamp your foot and issue commands.

lou33 · 08/12/2008 18:28

haha BoF, so sorry, i was looking for my white wig before i did that

MarsLady · 08/12/2008 18:30

Such a shame that people can't be, or make, new friends.

I have clearly spent many of my numerous years in complete and total naivety and fully accept how wrong I was to make new friends that were not of my gender or of the same marital situation (wonders if 2 marrieds make a right?)

Harman, I don't think you did anything wrong. Having read the thread you did say that you would feel uncomfortable but put that down to being part of your "paranoid" personality (forgive me if I quoted you wrongly... head still thumping for blinking never-ending cold/flu thing). You also said that that was why you asked the question.

I also don't think that the guy did anything wrong either.

I guess I just feel sad that from what I've read here so many seem to think that marriage means no more friendships and that anything that takes place "after hours" is definitely taboo!

I had thought (but no stats to back my thoughts up) that most affairs took place in the work place.

Anyway... I think I'll go and read the happy Thank You Christmas Appeal thread and restore my naivety.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/12/2008 18:39

It would be, if it were true ML.
I'm not sure some of the views on here are representative of the general public as a whole, iykwim?

ReinDIORdroppings · 08/12/2008 18:46

Message withdrawn

noiamnot · 08/12/2008 19:34

if you want to make new friends than do so during normal hours. drunk, after the pub? Maybe it is an age thing....

I sincerely doubt that anyone here, no matter what they profess, would not be a bit put out by their so going to a single woman's house (who they barely know) after the pub around midnight to "make new friends"

noiamnot · 08/12/2008 19:38

and see xmas ornaments, of course.

I find it interesting that if the wife had posted on here saying my dh is down to the pub a lot and last night after the pub closed he and his mate went round to a single woman's house with her friend to look at xmas ornaments the response would be very very different.

littlelapin · 08/12/2008 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlelapin · 08/12/2008 19:40

This reply has been deleted

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ChiefElf · 08/12/2008 19:42

She loves it so much she said it twice.

Was worth it though.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2008 20:03

I am back after feeding the kiddiwinks.

Its nice to see this thread has not deteriorated any further into a slanging match. It was starting to look a bit horrid at one point .

VVVVVVVVVV (how many bloody V's is it??), I apologised to Harman and she has accepted for the thought-ette that this scenario might be the work of a troll.

I don't think it was too much of a stretch that I was a bit suspicious when the "but they came to look at my Christmas decorations....." comment was added partway through. It is funny actually. You couldn't make it up really!

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 08/12/2008 21:41

Okies.

A friend is someone you have known for a while and shared experiences with. Or to be more precise "Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships."

Harman has met these guys in the pub a few times. Does that count as a "friend"?

She invited them back for coffee after the pub had shut - how much had you all had to drink Harman?

They went to look at Harman's Xmas decorations.

He's there on a regular basis, he's married but his wife works nights.

Now fine, this may well all be innocent. BUT the op asked us if this would look unreasonable to his wife. Some of us said that we wouldn't like it and yes it would be unreasonable.

I don't understand why then posters are being rude and patronising to each other.

Harman - you asked for advice, you got advice. You cannot complain if the advice is not what you wanted. I'm pretty sure that your motives were entirely innocent and no-one is saying otherwise I don't think. We questioned his motives because we don't know him and so we were asked to judge this situation based on what little you had told us.

We did that.

We all have differing views. But some posters are questioning others relationships and trust issues just because they dare to disagree with them. That is out of order and just plain rude.

So you have different standards to some of us, so bloody what, does that give you a right to judge those people?

littlelapin · 08/12/2008 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 08/12/2008 21:52

But isn't that what she asked us to do? To judge a situation based on the little info she had given us?

What else is this thread then?

ReinDIORdroppings · 08/12/2008 21:52

Message withdrawn

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 08/12/2008 21:56

Exactly my point! She did seem worried about how it might look, she's had both sides of the argument now. If she only wanted us to agree with her and say it was perfectly ok then she should have said.

How can you tell anyway from the very little info you are given? First they are just guys she barely knows and next they are practically bosom buddies!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2008 22:07

LittleLapin, you are not reading the thread properly.

Some people have piled in and (with the best intentions) defended Harman. But there was nothing to defend. Nobody has slated her.

She asked for an opinion, as must have felt some degree of discomfort with the situation. Some people were also (or would be) uncomfortable with it.

Harman has done nothing wrong. That blokes marriage is his own concern.

Blu · 08/12/2008 22:09

Have some people been watching a little too much bonnet-TV, perchance? Married men and unmarried women in discourse after dark, and with limited chaperoning? Reputations will be ruined before the next frost...Harman, I must urge you not to tarry but to take the next coach to bath for an extended stay with an aged aunt whilst the scandal dies down....

chamomilequeen · 08/12/2008 23:03

blu, i fear the kind of tv which I think some people have been watching is the pay-per-view, oops the plumber has called round and all my clothes christmas decorations fell orf