Is it acceptable for a married man to call on a single woman after the pub shuts?

[harman]

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I saw your apology fucker. I was just commenting on the fact that it was made in the first place.

This place is so large now that someone as long standing as Harman could be called a troll. It's pretty shocking.

But, feel free to take it personally. Tis the raisen d'aitre of this place lately and completely in keeping with some of the less forgiving folk on this thread.

This thread would be much more helpful if people would actually read it properly and not make assumptions based on their own paranoia.

Harman invites men back with her children upstairs in bed - er, no, she said they are with their dad when she pops over to the pub.

Married man leaves his wife at home whilst visiting single woman to view her decorations - er, no, his wife works nights.

Married man is drunk because he has been in pub - er, no, not necessarily and there is no evidence to suggest he has even drunk alcohol let alone enough to leave him incapable of controlling his nob.

Harman invites complete strangers to her home - er, no, she's met them on a number of occasions previously.

I could probably go on if I could be bothered to re-read the whole thread.

I think the answer to Harman's original question is that, if married man's wife is as paranoid and lacking in trust in her dh as some of the posters on this thread, then probably she will be unhappy about his coming to your house for coffee. If, however, she is in a loving and trusting relationship, she will have absolutely no problem with it.

Good summary Freckle.

OK I really have read the whole thread, but if I've missed it, do yell at me

Anyway - why aren't we reading this as it being the SINGLE BLOKE, not the married one, who could perhaps be keen on Harman (or her friend) but who isn't yet ready to be too public so when invited for decorations inspection (which sounds perfectly innocent to me) took along his married mate as cover? - just in case he looked a bit too eager?

So the married bloke is a red herring vis a vis Harman (and/or her friend) and was only there for moral support of his (single) friend? And he (the married bloke) may well right now be having a good chuckle with his wife how Paul (as we'll call the single one) is such a wuss he still needs a mate on hand when he's trying to chat someone up?

As, do we have any idea whether the wife has been kept in the dark? (I might have missed that too, in my toothcombing of posts )

Freckle IMO if this was a loving trusting relationship, the married man in question would feel no need to go the house of 2 single women to "view their decorations" (which BTW sounds well dodgy to me)!!

Yes, LOL at Harman being a troll - she's been a MN-er since I was in short trousers.

This is the post I've been reading:

"Ok, I am the single woman. When the kids go to their dad (every other weekend), I often pop over the road to my local with my friend who is also single.

There are lots of regulars and we have chatted to several of them. When we left on Saturday night, 2 of them came over for a cup of coffee, one is married, one isn't.

Nothing happened, we had a laugh, a cup of coffee and then they went home.

I would hate the wife to be worried by this and I also wouldn't want people to think I'm something that I'm not. I wanted an opinion on whether you think I am right to be worried."

You see there, when she asked whether she ought to be worried about what the wife thinks?

Well that's what we are answering is it not? Of course we all know that some posters on here think nothing of inviting strange married men back to theirs for a quick coffee whilst the husband is out - and I applaud them for their obvious common sense and full freedom, if only I could cut my ties to my dh instead of needing him with me 24/7! Oh how I envy you lot with your superhuman vibes that can spot a potentially bad man a mile off! I wish some other Mumsnetters who've had disasterous and abusive relationships could have those superpowers!

I note that neither the OP nor her friend have answered the question we posed - does his wife know that he went to yours? Do you think he would tell her?

If he wouldn't tell her then you have to ask why not. But if he tells his missus and she's fine about him going back to yours, then fine and dandy!

You asked a question, we answered it.

I do however have to laugh at all the Mumsnetters who profess to have such freedoms. I wonder how they would truly feel if their dh's had gone round to Harman's to look at her decorations at 11.30pm. Because I've a feeling that those who are saying they wouldn't have a problem with it are a little in denial.

I also wonder if one day one of these Mumsnetters will start a betrayal thread and moan "well I never saw that coming!" After all, there are plenty of those kinds of threads about aren't they?

Let's take a pinch from both sides of the argument shall we? Reach a middle ground? Because some of these posts are now so over the top they are laughable.

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You see I view that differently macdoodle, if it were my dh I'd feel that there was no need for him not to go because he wasn't going to do anything other than going to drink coffee and socialise a bit more. I think that a loving, trusting relationship means that the other person is free to choose who they speak to, where and when because they are trusted to act appropriately and considerately. I don't feel the need to tell dh he had better be home as soon as the pub shuts or else, he can do what he likes.

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How about we reverse it then? What if this were a thread by a single man who, with his friend, invited back 2 women for coffee after the pub shut and one of them was married - he wanted to know if the h would think it was unacceptable. What would you say to him? How would your dh's react if you went to a single blokes house after the pub?

As for the "friends" thing. Well you only have the first couple of posts to go on which seem to imply that they didn't know the guys very well, "There are lots of regulars and we have chatted to several of them. When we left on Saturday night, 2 of them came over for a cup of coffee, one is married, one isn't." - note no mention of the fact that they are anything but casual acquaintances, NOT friends.

Now, out of respect for his wife, whom the OP admits she does not know. I wouldn't do this again purely because you DON'T know if the wife is ok with it or not.

As we have seen on this thread, just because some of you would think nothing of inviting the entire pub back to your houses for coffee, this wife might not appreciate it.

May I suggest that this be the middle ground? To find out if his wife is ok with it first?

Who is looking after the children???

I was just talking about myself, btw.

To be perfectly honest, I don't actually think that is it Harman's responsibility to find out if the wife is OK with this. Although it is to her credit that she has considered this. It is really for the married man to ensure his wife is OK with what happened. I'm not sure there is any way for Harman to know if he told his wife, other than asking him next time she sees him.

Perhaps the way to proceed is that, should a similar occasion arise again (which is doubtful as he has now seen the decorations ), Harman should ask him if his wife has any problems with his visiting the house of a single woman. That way, he can confess as to whether he told his wife and, if he did, what her response was.

Oh she'll be enticing him in by offering to show him her Christmas Cake next time .

Oh yes I do LL! That's exactly what my post was meant to be - arrogant. Just to show how it feels to be on the receiving end!

This thread is split, yes, but not on trust lines. I think it's more to do with people's experience of infidelity

I have been unfaithful in previous relationships and I've been cheated on by previous partners. DH has experience of infidelity too - on both sides of the fence.

So I think that past experience leads us to guard our marriage quite jealously - if my dh is on a leash, it's one he's put on himself if that makes sense.

I asked dh last night what he thought of this thread and he said he would not put himself in that position, ie in a single woman's house, with other single people, with a few drinks in him. Just in case.

So I do trust him, because he'd think of me and our relationship first.

Pisses me off a bit to read that I'm apparently paranoid, insecure or a character out of a Regency novel just because my dh doesn't (and wouldn't) regularly end up having coffee with other ladeeez.

LOL! And then she can tempt him with showing him what Christmas pressies she got, pictures of what she got up to on NYE, Easter decorations or eggs, and so on. This could be the start of a very long relationship .

"Pisses me off a bit to read that I'm apparently paranoid, insecure or a character out of a Regency novel just because my dh doesn't (and wouldn't) regularly end up having coffee with other ladeeez."

Yes, they are coming across as rather arrogant aren't they doggies? Shame that, I would have expected better from some posters on here.

I have to admit that I have not read whole thread.

Can I just clarify something?

It was her christmas decorations they were invited to view - not her christmas stocking?

Weelll, I have been on the receiving end of infidelity in a long-term relationship. I am now married to dh and I trust him implicitly so I don't think people's views of this situation are necessarily dictated by past experiences. If he did this, I might be a bit because it is not something he would do (mind you, finding him in the pub is a rare thing too), but I wouldn't be suspicious of his motives or intentions.