Just said some unforgivable things in front of my children...

[Lonelymum]

...to both them and dh. But I feel so betrayed and let down right now. I am so miserable and lonely and I would have thought dh would support me when I try to do something about it but no, he just sits around on his backside watching TV and reneging on promises made to me only 24 hours ago.

I don't really want to go into details, but I have no-one else to talk to (dh has taken the kids into another room so they don't have to hear the terrible things I am coming out with) and I feel so sad.

Dh put his hands around my throat to push me away from them all and I heard one of my kids crying at the sight. I know no-one is around right now but I have to get this out.

I'm about lonelymum

im here LM if you want to talk {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

Well nothing to say really, just that I am having such a bad time right now. I can't believe the things I said to my kids or in their hearing and I can't think it helped for them to see their father put his hands around my throat and push me away like he did.

They seem to be playing happily now but I am sitting here crying and crying.

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I feel like I don't want to go on. I don't mean suicide (although that is what I hinted in front of my kids) but I just want to run away and never come back, like you read characters do in novels.

has he done this befoe LM?

can you go out for a few hours to clear your head?

Yes.

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Sorry that was a yes he has done this before. The first time was when I had a paddy when ds2 was just 2 days old and I was in melt-down.

oh LM , i dont no what to say

I have a doctor Aimsmum, but the appt is a bit harder to steel myself to do. Anyway, that problem is just one part of it all today. I just don't want to go on doing what I am doing.

Your kids will forgive you LM. Don't know what you said but my mum used to say she'd love to leave my dad, wished we'd never been born (might have imagined that one)etc, all the usual extreme things you come out with when under stress. But, I absolutely have "forgiven" her, didn't see anything to forgive really. People get stressed, people say things and do things they don't mean - it's life, it's not perfect but it's not the end of the world.

Is it teh first time your husband has doen anything like that?

What about saying that you want to kill yourself? Don't you think that might damage them in some way?

I think we have all lost it at one point or another in front of our kids, we aren't robots, but am concerned he had his hand around your throat. To me that would be more worrying for the kids to see, than listening to you having a rant. Are you physically ok?

You said your h has done this before when you were only 2 days post natal ?! Did you manage to talk it through then?

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I sorry to hear you feeling so sad. When I was pregnant with DS and had PN I frequently felt like walking away from them and they would all be better off without me or that if I didn't exist everyone would be better off. Its not a nice feeling and is horrible for both you and your family.

I'll be thinking about you and when and if your ready to talk about it there will be plenty of people hear to listen.

Lm - I wouldn't overly worry about what you said if you just said these things in a moment of stress. Would worry if you were saying them all teh time but don't think you are. You can discuss what you said later with your kids to explain you didn't mean it (even if you did). But the throttling thing sounds worse

What exactly do you mean by " I just don't want to go on doing what I am doing ". Can you think about any small changes which you could make ? It sounds as if things are just running out of your control atm (what with moving, dh job etc) but perhaps if you could regain control of one or two things to start with you may feel a little better.

No. I must say, the time he did it when ds2 was only 2 days old will live with me for the rest of my life. Not because it was the first time but because I couldn't believe he behaved that way to his wife who had just produced a beautiful second son. I know that time I was being really stupid - screaming I think because I couldn't get the baby to sleep or something - but all of us who have had a baby know what those early days feel like - huge joy but also huge stress and fatigue.

BTW, don't get the idea I am a battered wife. The only time dh has hit me (very lightly, not painfully) I have instantly smacked him back and shouted at him to leave me alone. Our fights have been more like siblings bickering and they are very few and far between. Still, I can understand it deoesn't sound good to you.

OMG

Go upstairs and have a shower, put some stout walking shoes on a go for a long walk. Take a book and call into a pub for some lunch and come back as late as possible tonight, let him see how "easy" it is to look after children and remain even tempered.

When I say I don't want to go on doing what I am doing I mean being a mum, being a wife, being a nobody sitting at home alone, being without friends, work, prestige. Being dragged from one part of the country to the next. Being so lonely and unable to do anything about it. Being so scared (Aimsmum knows what of!) Just my whole sorry life really. How can I change 40 years of never being happy?

Oh LGJ it would be a piece of piss to him. He would put the TV and the computer on and the kids would loll around playing computer games and watching TV and bickering a bit between them all day.

Hi LM

Sorry your having a bad day.
Why don't you get out. Can you go and see some family on your own or just go out and wander around the shops for a bit?