Just said some unforgivable things in front of my children...

[Lonelymum]

...to both them and dh. But I feel so betrayed and let down right now. I am so miserable and lonely and I would have thought dh would support me when I try to do something about it but no, he just sits around on his backside watching TV and reneging on promises made to me only 24 hours ago.

I don't really want to go into details, but I have no-one else to talk to (dh has taken the kids into another room so they don't have to hear the terrible things I am coming out with) and I feel so sad.

Dh put his hands around my throat to push me away from them all and I heard one of my kids crying at the sight. I know no-one is around right now but I have to get this out.

I take my 14mth old to a toddler group every monday and its brilliant. When I first started I was obviously the new girl but it really pays to keep going back because in just a few weeks I knew everyones names and felt like part of the old group. (and i'm not particulary outgoing or anything!)also once I got to know a few of the moms we arranged to meet up inbetween for coffee etc. I have also recently moved to the area and it has really made a difference having a regular meet up with other women like me... good luck

How about looking at netmums website for your area. That should have a list of activities etc on it? Even tho' you're feeling really low it owuld be so great if you could meet WWW for even just half an hour, what about it? think how great you'd feel about yourself andyou don't need to talk about yourself at all .

Lonelymum, I understand if you don't want to, completely, but feel free to change your mind if you want to - you don't have to talk about this stuff, we could just walk. Could you manage a walk even on your own though? I find exercise helps enormously when I'm down.

Lonelymum, take WWW up on her offer. It will be better if it is someone who knows how you are feeling. She won't expect you to be full of lively conversation all the time. She will make allowances. And WWW might appreciate the company as well!

I agree, even if you think you won't be 'good company', it's worth getting out of the house.Also, don't worry about having said awful things in front of the kids, I have said some terrible things when v stressed/depressed - they know you love them don't they?

Lonelymum, big hug to you. You sound low at the moment, craving social contact but shying away from it at the same time. Lots of people go to church on their own: some even relish the time to have a bit of peace & quiet away from their families!!!!
I feel that we can all make suggestions but you have to dig deep & find that bit of courage or ooomph (or whatever it is called) to take the first step. Most local libraries have huge noticeboards full of stuff to do, but only you can decide if you are going to do something or not.
I know myself, having been in the biggest, blackest pit of depression with confidence at an all time low, how hard it is - but once you've taken the first step, the rest are so much easier.
Cyber cup of tea, winging its way to you & a giant hug.

Thanks Bugsy. I know my recovery is in my hands.

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Well I have a tight feeling in my head and eyes because of all the crying I have done and dh and I are still prickly with each other but it will blow over. Thanks for being there this morning. It really helped just to sit there and talk to people, especially as I knew it was annoying dh at the time!

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Lonelymum, just seen this and I nothing about you or your circumstances other than what is on this thread and just wanted to say that I do hope you can find it in yourself to go to the mother and toddler group or meet up with WWW - or better still, do both! I met WWW ages ago and if it helps, I'd like to reassure you that she is a lovely person just as you are and she would never judge anyone harshly, so if you can, please CAT her and meet her, even if it is only for five minutes before you have to collect the kids from school - it may help you decide whether you feel confident enough to meet mumsnetters for a longer time in the future.

Lonelymum

I am not around this week as my Mum is over from Spain but I will be about in half term and will be taking my two to the zoo, industrial museum, soft play, swimming ya de ya de ya de so if you want to meet up then I am sure we can arrange something all the kids will enjoy? What about:

www.cattlecountry.co.uk/index.asp

Hope you are feeling better about things. It might be an idea to talk to the kids about things so they don't worry unduly?

Take care!

Came on here to say I was having second thoughts about meeting up (ie would give it a go) but the kind words from the people who have posted since I last did have started me crying again so maybe I will leave it a bit longer. I don't want to meet people and instantly burst into tears in front of them - that would be way too heavy!

Give me time Beety. I don't think I could handle hugs.

I would never want to meet those people again. I know, I know, I sound a sad person, but I am not really into bearing my soul to complete strangers or even internet acquaintances. It is funny what you end up typing on your computer screen. I say all sorts of things I would not say in real life except to close friends.

TBH, I am happier in the caring, giving role than in the being cared for and understood role.

you don't have to bare your soul in RL meet-ups though, honest. and I've don't think I've ever been hugged at any either!

it is weird meeting people that you have shared all sorts of stuff with/potentially have had access to some very personal info about you - i've posted all sorts of stuff about myself and depression/OCD/pyschiatrists/psychologists. and in some ways it is almost a release meeting people who know the deep dark stuff you would never dream about discussing at M & T groups etc, and still accept you.

I can see that might be the case MTS.

This is a bit off the subject, but can anyone explain how I can find out all I have said about myself on Mumsnet? It seems to me that some people do that about other posters but I can't work out how to do it about myself. Do I go to search archived messages? If so, what do you put when it asks what you want to search for? Please don't go off and look me up now!

Oh Lonelymum, I so understand where you are coming from. When you are holding on by such a few very thin threads, it feels as though you have to hold on to them so tight - or else you will lose it completely.
I know why you don't want to meet anyone or let go in front of people. I wish I could say something that would make it all better for you. If it helps, I've been there & crawled out the other side. It was slow, took a while. I took AD's for 18 months but I've been off them for a while now. At the time I couldn't tell any of my real friends how awful I felt. That's not the way I am - like you I want to be the caring one, the shoulder to cry on.
In many ways the hardest thing is that you have to do it on your own.

you don't talk about the personal stuff at meet-ups anyway.

I would never bother to check out someone's previous postings just coz I was going to meet with them.

Just as well. I checked me out and all I could find were silly inconsequential references. I couldn't be bothered to read all the links. What it did show me though was that I mainly post on Chat and Feeling Depressed (though it is not always me who starts the low threads!) Well, I knew that anyway.

lonelymum, it wouldn't occur to me to search on your posts before I met you - I haven't got time for one thing! But anyway, I just came to say I thought of you today as I went to tourist info and got a load of leaflets and there is SO much going on in Bristol. Even if you don't want to meet me or anyone else, there's plenty to do with your children over the easter holidays. Even if you didn't want to do any organised things I've just wandered around the centre and the docks and remembered why I love this city so much. There are so many fantastic buildings and places. Maybe you could try it with your kids/dh? Anyway, no pressure to meet whatsoever, absolutely not but just thought I'd tell you about tourist info. Website here but I reckon you're better off going in if you want to pick up info leaflets.