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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think?

135 replies

pucca · 01/12/2008 00:19

If you found this in your husbands sent messages on facebook?......

sorry about that, she came in. if i am on line i will get you by chat, dont just shout me because sometimes she logs into my account and dont want her seeing that chat from last night. i am trying to find how to get the chat on my laptop. speak soon xx.

dont reply to this, send me a email on .

OP posts:
KiwishyouaMerryKatsmas · 01/12/2008 15:19

Sign me up for the support team! We'll stick with you, whether it's to get the marriage back on track or to move on.

One thing to remember is that you've done nothing wrong, you're not the one whose behaviour has changed, and who's requesting a divorce. So if he wants changes, then it will be HIM who moves etc.

Just keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other, and try to keep as calm as possible.

Team Pucca

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 15:54

Just had a text off him saying.

i dont want to split with you, but you are making it the only option, so the ball is in your court, either keep going on about it and we seperate or leave the subject alone andwe try to rebiuld the relationship.

OP posts:
Katisha · 01/12/2008 15:56

Er no - what about the option that he talks to you properly rather than trying to bully you into submission?

thenewme · 01/12/2008 16:01

Right, I am back.

He is talking crap.

He has no right to try and call the shots.

He is doing something that looks suspicious and it is causing you pain.
If it is all innocent why is he being so defensive about it?
If he can really throw away his marriage over this, does he want the single divorced life of living in a tiny place and losing the chance the see his children every day.
Does he want to break his children's hearts because he can't be bothered to talk?

DO NOT let him bully you and this is not your fault.

For whatever reason he has started a relationship with another woman and if every thing else was the same as normal you can not be blamed for not knowing he had problems.

Stay strong.

thenewme · 01/12/2008 16:02

He is threatening you. He is a bully.

dittany · 01/12/2008 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QwertyQueen · 01/12/2008 16:09

you def did the right thing to e-mail - I did a similar thing a few days ago. I hope she replies quickly and honestly.
IF he is innocent , then from his point of view this must be frustrating, BUT he needs to do a lot of explaining for it to all make sense
Good luck...

LulumamaLovesLatkes · 01/12/2008 16:10

oh bloody hell pucca. what a mess

he is trying to deflect everything and make it your responsibility, it takes two to make and to break a marriage.

if he can;t be bothered talking, then he will have to start talking when he is ordered to have mediation when the divorce is underway

time to decide what you want, and take it from there

WotsThatSkippy · 01/12/2008 16:11

What a crock of shit. He's being completely gutless and sly. I really feel for you.

solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 16:13

Poor you. Get legal advice, as others have said, but remember that no matter what he says he cannot just throw you and the children out of the house. Though unfortunately you can't just throw him out either if he refuses to go (unless he is physically violent).

Mumi · 01/12/2008 16:25

"i dont want to split with you, but you are making it the only option, so the ball is in your court, either keep going on about it and we seperate or leave the subject alone andwe try to rebiuld the relationship."

"Leave the subject alone" = "continue to let me have my cake and eat it"

Yeah, the ball's in your court - more so than he realises - and I'd be tempted to call his bluff on it by starting divorce proceedings.

Still don't leave the house though!

BennyAndJoon · 01/12/2008 16:31

what a wanker

so "if you want me to stay I don't have to talk about anything difficult/that I am guilty about"

bloody hell

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 16:45

She has emailed me back, and said....

that was quite a while ago and please dont think there is anything going on as i am happily married, i also have a young child and i dont go around qrecking peoples lives. He didnt think you would react well with him chatting to an old female friend.

Utter bollocks that, he has been in touch with loads of women he went to school with, no secret chats or messages, just catching up type of stuff. God would love to know the picture he has painted of me to her.

OP posts:
hecate · 01/12/2008 16:49

oh please. so he wants to be able to do what he pleases and you just have to take it, and if you object, he threatens to leave you? nice man.

and the message in your op - it's pretty damn clear, isn't it?

thenewme · 01/12/2008 16:49

I was going to say a response but actually no, it is him you need to talk to about this, not her.

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 16:50

Exactly what i thought Thenewme.

OP posts:
BennyAndJoon · 01/12/2008 16:51

By pucca on Mon 01-Dec-08 13:38:39

"She has also put about a new man that keeps her entertained, this was recently."

that doesn't sound like she is happily married?

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 16:55

good point, although it doesnt actually say the word new man, but definately implies it.

Matbe i have gone over the top about it all, but the fact is i have a problem with what he has done regardless of whether it was returned.

OP posts:
KiwishyouaMerryKatsmas · 01/12/2008 17:04

you don't write 'knight in shining armour' about a new kitten, nor hope that it sees you as 'more than a stepping stone'. she's contradicting herself.

hecate · 01/12/2008 17:07

she has just met her knight in shining armour?

Yet she is happily married with a young child ok then

KiwishyouaMerryKatsmas · 01/12/2008 17:12

my point exactly! wonder what she thinks she's been up to - mild flirtation, or is she more dangerous than that? although of course I know that HE is the one to watch here.

spamm · 01/12/2008 17:13

Now that she has said that, I would be more worried, as they are both lying to you about something - her reply makes no sense in view of her status updates.

I do hope you work it all out, but you do need to talk to him. Try not to jump to too many conclusions, as you need to have something of an open mind when you do finally get him to talk to you.

Ruby2shoes · 01/12/2008 17:24

I would have serious doubts as to it being "innocent" he is doing nothing to reassure you and quite frankly how could he want a divorce and say that you and the children should move out just becuase you have questioned him regarding contact with this woman!!!!

If anyone goes it should be him!

Might be a good reality check if you pack his bags - after all if she is so happily married where is he going to go ...... ?

Maybe her husband should be brought up to speed with a copy of the email she sent you, or any of the other stuff if you have copies. And you could point out your husbands sudden erratic behaviour and the threat of divorce since you have questioned his involvement with her. Ask him to look at his wifes recent behaviour and facebook profile - if she wont let him he might wonder why?

If you know her name you should be able to find out her husbands and maybe send it via mail - just print out the envelope so it looks official or find out where he works - and either send it there or ring up and ask for his email. Most receptionists are quite happy to divulge details if they think its work related!!!

I maybe going slightly overboard on the last bit but it might be the only way to get some answers or force his/her hand if there is something going on!

Really feel for you.

thenewme · 01/12/2008 18:09

ask her if she knew he had a STD and see what happens then.

walkingprimrose · 01/12/2008 21:13

Have just read all this - what a nightmare pucca... please let everyone know how you are when you can.