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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think?

135 replies

pucca · 01/12/2008 00:19

If you found this in your husbands sent messages on facebook?......

sorry about that, she came in. if i am on line i will get you by chat, dont just shout me because sometimes she logs into my account and dont want her seeing that chat from last night. i am trying to find how to get the chat on my laptop. speak soon xx.

dont reply to this, send me a email on .

OP posts:
BlackEyedDogstar · 01/12/2008 00:50

IMV - there is a difference between the largely anonymous MN venting, and contacting someone from eons ago and signing off 'xx'.

Pucca, in your shoes I'd be concerned. Nothing adds more problems to existing relationship issues than facebook encounters. It isn't helping and I'd feel fairly pissed off if I was you. No, I don't think you are making a mountain out of it.

I suppose you will want to work out if it is simple venting, or if there is another problem developing (with this woman)?

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 00:54

Btw his problem with me, is i phone or text him at work to see what time(ish) he will be home. His job is very unpredictable, never knows what time he is finishing, can be 11am or 11pm, and he travels all over the country, hence why i either text him or phone him to see where he is up to in his day, he never texts me to say i am leaving now etc etc.

I do this mainly to see if i should make him some dinner.

That is it, that is the relationship problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 00:56

This is what he was apparently discussing with this woman.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 01/12/2008 01:02

FFS - I suppose he thinks you are a control freak who is always checking up on him, does he?
In which case, still would be suspicious - people who think their OHs are checking up on them usually have something to hide.

old female friend from school on Facebook - is it an ex GF? or someone he had a crush on? Facebook and Friends Reunited can be quite dangerous if your relationship is not 100%.

trixiethepixie · 01/12/2008 01:06

My dp rings or texts me every night to say what time he'll be home. If he doesn't, I contact him. It's certainly not a problem, just common curtosey so I know what time to have dinner on etc.

Honestly it could be innocent but if it was me I wouldn't like it if I found a mssg like that.

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 01:07

Thumbwitch....The thing is i am a really chilled person, we have always had each others passwords for facebook, and he has quite a few messages in his inbox from girls he knew at school and i am totally cool with that, this one in his sent box of course he must have slipped up and not deleted it.

I give him no reason to think i am a control freak what so ever, i do phone or text him once a day when he is in work, just to see roughly what time he is in, after all we have 2 kids.

I just don't get why be sneaky and ask her to email you privately and go to such lengths if its all innocent.

OP posts:
Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 01:09

Also why talk about your "marital problems" with someone you haven't see for nearly 20 yrs

He told me she is divorced btw.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 01/12/2008 01:10

Exactly, and there you have it. There is no reason to be sneaky if it is all innocent, unless he is planning some fab surprise for you that she is able to contribute to in some way.

You could leave it til after Christmas and if no fab surprise makes an appearance, think again.

BlackEyedDogstar · 01/12/2008 01:10

that seems like a minor problem to me. I mean, not anything, not even a problem. And he discussed this?

Well, whatever. He should leave this woman out of it and raise his 'problem' with you.

Is the woman nearby and do you think he might develop something with her? Or is it just the FB thing that has upset you (quite rightly)?

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 01:12

I don't know really.

I don't know if i should be worried or not.

OP posts:
trixiethepixie · 01/12/2008 01:13

I'm sorry I agree pucca. There's no need to be all sneaky if it's innocent. Has he always been funny about you texting/ringing him or is this a recent thing?

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 01:13

I know for a fact it isn't some christmas surprise for me. Not his style at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 01:15

The phoning thing has been the last few months really, he says that i pester him at work because i want him at home full time, which is bullshit, i just phone to see what to do about tea etc.

God this phoning thing sounds so petty.

OP posts:
Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 01:21

She does live nearby, well about 20 mile away.

OP posts:
dittany · 01/12/2008 01:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 01/12/2008 01:28

suspicious. Definitely. More now you have said more about it.

IME, if they don't want you to phone them at random hours, it is because they might be doing something when you phone that they don't want you to know about. Or you might hear things you're not supposed to (background noises, strange woman's voice, that kind of thing). This has happened to me, I rationalised it for 6m until I found out I was being played for a fool. It is AMAZING what crap you can come up with to explain away dodgy behaviour, when it probably is just the simple explanation.

IF your OH has a problem with things, he should be discussing it with YOU, not random other women. Especially when they live within spitting distance (20m = half an hour's drive? = nothing).

trixiethepixie · 01/12/2008 01:30

Moi personally - I'd be very pissed off about that message and tbh I'd prob do a bit of noseying. But then I'd be the suspicious kind. Dp has girl mates he's known for years but I'd be really annoyed if he talked about me like that.

As for the ringing thing. I'm a sahm and dp rings me (sadly) about 2/3 times a day from work just to see how me and ds are getting on. Don't have much to say to each other but I think it's nice that he does. Seems odd that he's getting a bit narky about you ringing him now (not wanting to jump to conclusions)

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 01:58

I have just worked out that the night this chat took place i was out at a family party, and dh was babysitting, so if i came in and disturbed him it must have been pretty late.

OP posts:
JustNobody · 01/12/2008 02:05

Can you log into his FB account and if she is online, click on her name and it'll bring up old conversations (unless he deleted it).

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 13:12

Yes i am going to try that, but i keep checking and she is never online.

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thenewme · 01/12/2008 13:16

I was going to suggest you try and find out things by contacting her but not saying who you are, but then I thought, no, you are all adults and this is your husband. You need to tell him that what he is doing it making you feel like he is gearing up for an affiar, if not already having one, and if he is entirely innocent he will prove it to you by letting you see their correspondance.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2008 13:30

Your H should be discussing any problems within the relationship with you Pucca rather than some woman he knew and has rehooked up with from schooldays. Facebook is bad news for relationships that are not without problems. He may not have actually intended to start up a online thing with this woman but his words are suggestive of an emotional connection being built up between them.

I think he is gearing up to have an emotional affair if he is not already.

Why didn't your DH come with you to the family party?. How much time do you actually spend together properly?.

Will he acknowledge the contact with this woman and cease it forthwith?. Is he willing to go to Relate; the reasons for all this happening in the first place need to be talked through with someone impartial. There are issues here within your relationship that need to be addressed.

Would he consider seeking alternative employment?. His job is certainly not condusive to there being family harmony, with the travelling as well he seems to be hardly at home.

Original poster
pucca · 01/12/2008 13:38

You know what, i am so stupid. This message was sent Sun morn at 11.26am, so he has definately chatted to her twice. He says he only spoke to her the once.

Also on her profile there are loads of things about a new relationship,

*** is spending time with a certain person.

is waiting for her knight in shining armour.

is wishing things were different sometimes.

had the most amazing time, santa has come early.

*** doesnt want to be a stepping stone.

She has also put about a new man that keeps her entertained, this was recently.

Coincidence? I feel like such a mug.

OP posts:
thenewme · 01/12/2008 13:41

Okay. You need to make a plan for how you want to handle this. Will it may seem that emotionally he has betrayed you, until you really talk to him you can't know for sure.

She might be after him but he is just trying to be friendly. Men don't seem to have the same natural barriers as us for what crosses the line.

UnfortunatelyMe · 01/12/2008 13:41

Can I just say the the TIME on facebook is not reliable, can anyone agree with me on that?
Oh Pucca