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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am i a controlling cow???????

64 replies

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 10:41

Posted in aibu - the consensus was that i was a contolling cow.

Cant do link, but thread is called: to think dh is being selfish.

I am horrified to think that i am in fact being really contolling to dh, one poster even said they felt sorry for dh.

I dont get it - i really dont. Could someone have a read and honestly tell me if i am being horrid, beacuse its really upset me to think i am being mean to dh.

thansk

OP posts:
piratecat · 11/11/2008 10:44

i will go and read it but form the fact that you have posted another thread about it, for more opinions, i would say that something isn't right somewhere.

i will return

Acinonyx · 11/11/2008 10:49

I did read it and I do think you were controlling. The whole situation seemed quite odd.

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 10:49

thank you - am a quite upset to think that maybe i am horrid and i should be pleased dh has put up with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 10:50

god - so maybe i have a problem?

OP posts:
Simplysally · 11/11/2008 10:51

Have you discussed it with your husband to get his perspective on whatever the issue is? Haven't read the threat but will do and come back.

Acinonyx · 11/11/2008 10:52

I think in the situation you described you were being unreasonable. Whether that is a general issue we can't know from one situation.

VinegarTits · 11/11/2008 10:52

shoptillidrop aibu threads can be quite controversal, its hard to gather all infomation from one OP and you will usually get people trying to be objective, and you will more than likey get told yabu.

Tbh your op did come across as a bit controlling, but having read your later posts you will see i changed my mind, I think you ask your dh to get a taxi home and if he says no i would question why?

I dont think you are a controlling cow, i just think you are frustrated and upset

MrsMattie · 11/11/2008 10:53

Is this the thread about the dog?

piratecat · 11/11/2008 10:53

i think you are just annoyed at your whole sitch , it's the whole thing.

You need to talk. This is about other things as i thought.

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 10:54

i have - he thinks im being selfish. i think he is.

I 100% dont think im in the wrong. MOst of mn do. I feel terrible and that maybe ive been horrible to dh our whole marriage and been a cow to him.

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 11/11/2008 10:54

Yes that's a good point - AIBU are in no way support threads - they are more like debate threads.

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 10:56

yep the dog tread.

other things as in what - its made me feel like my marriage must be really bad or something.

Vinegar, thank you, i did see you had changed your mind. Its just shocked me for so many to think im being horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 10:56

yep the dog tread.

other things as in what - its made me feel like my marriage must be really bad or something.

Vinegar, thank you, i did see you had changed your mind. Its just shocked me for so many to think im being horrible.

OP posts:
DiscoDizzy · 11/11/2008 11:00

It seems to me that you aren't bothered about him going out, you aren't bothered about him staying out the night even. What you appear to be bothered about is that for the majority of the time you're in charge of all responsibilities and one of them is looking after the dog. You would get the taxi home because you feel it is your responsibility to get back home to the dog. I see that the problem is that you have asked DH to look after the dog and you expect him to carry out his responsibilities as you do, but with him arranging to stay away for the night despite arranging for someone to look in to your dog, you feel he is shirking his responsibilities. You would not do this and you feel he should act as you do. I think you feel that anything less makes a bit of a mockery of what you do/would do. As if to say, well why bother doing things to the best of your ability when he gets away with doing them half baked whilst still benefitting himself.

Another example is a mother who looks after her child in a certain routine/way and then the father is responsible for a few hours and routine and all the mother's good intention has generally gone out of the window IME anyway.

I do not think you are controlling, you just have to accept that he is a grown man and his way of carrying out this responsibility is different to yours.

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 11:02

ah disco - i think you have got it there.

so how do i accept that then?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 11/11/2008 11:03

I have read the first page of the thread and I disagree that most of MN think you are wrong - you had some supporters on the first page.

FWIW I don't think you are being that selfish or unreasonable here - you had made plans, he was going to be home and agreed to look after the dog and then changed the goalposts by saying he was going to be out and stay out - that doesn't really constitute looking after the dog.

This means that you have to either leave the dog to his tender mercies or take the dog with you - so I can see your point here. Anyway, I don't think you are a controlling cow.

piratecat · 11/11/2008 11:03

form what i saw its not 'most of mumsnet' who didn't agree with you, there were lots of differening views, and some supprt for your situation

becuase a few people didn'y agree with you don't take it to heart, don't get upset. I think you are over reacting becuase you are not happy somehow. ?

MrsMattie · 11/11/2008 11:04

I don't think you are a 'controlling cow' at all.

I think this sounds like one of those niggly marital disagreements that can so easily get out of hand. You were both looking forward to a bit of free time this weekend, and are both unwilling to sacrifice the plans you have made for your dog - only you obviously feel more responsibe for the dog, so are worrying about it more now.

I think you should go ahead with your plans and trsut that your dog will be fine. Just make it clear (in a calm way) with your Dh that you aren't happy a bout leaving your diog alone overnight again and that in future you'll both have to make plans well in advance to ensure your dog is cared for.

As for those who are making out you are some kind of awful tyrant - ignore them! It all sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.

DiscoDizzy · 11/11/2008 11:08

I always knew I should've been a psychologist

I think that you have to let it go this time. Put a smile on your face, grit your teeth and tell him that you accept that he has arranged help for the dog and although you wouldn't do this and that you do not agree with it that you have to accept he is able to make decisions. Then go away and enjoy your weekend. You have to trust him, its part of your marriage. I'm sure everything will go well and will help you trust him when he next makes a decision that you do not necessarily agree with.

I too am going away this weekend, to Portugal as my parents are on holiday there and dad is 80. I'm going on Fri early am and back teatime on Sun. I except serious carnage when I get back and I know that despite any little notes I leave DH, these will be partly ignored. I have to accept that the DC's may have had biscuits, crisps and chips for the entire time I am away. Ho hum

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 11:08

no im not happy. I am frustrated and Dhs inability to take responsibility and put others first before himself.

I am shocked and upset that some thought i was controlling - and upset that everyone thought it was ok for dh to go and do as he pleases and that i should just put up with it and the fact that i hadnt had made me contoliing.

i am embarassed and will now have to name change.

maybe ive pmt?

OP posts:
CharleeInChains · 11/11/2008 11:10

I totally agree with MrsMattie.

A petty argument that could be easily resolved by either compromisisg. i. 'i have cut my trip short for you so can you come home via taxi rather than staying out for me' sort of thing or just forget about it this time, your dog will not suffer and next time ask him to let you know if he's is going out all night again.

Blown out of proportion imo.

nickytwotimes · 11/11/2008 11:10

shop, I don't know the thread, but NEVER take ot heart anything said on any internet forum, even our Hallowed Mumsnet, because it is hard to convey all the intricacies of the issue and it is easy for readers/posters to miss things.
Forget it and move on.

Simplysally · 11/11/2008 11:10

And if the dog wees in the house as he was shut in so long, make your DH clear it up .

DiscoDizzy · 11/11/2008 11:12

don't name change, there are that many threads and people won't really remember. Many people post flippantly (sp) and take no notice of the OP's name

VinegarTits · 11/11/2008 11:17

You can't namechange, or how else will i remember who you are

Dont take it to heart, honestly, in a few months time (after many postings and flamings) you will laugh about it