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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i a controlling cow???????

64 replies

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 10:41

Posted in aibu - the consensus was that i was a contolling cow.

Cant do link, but thread is called: to think dh is being selfish.

I am horrified to think that i am in fact being really contolling to dh, one poster even said they felt sorry for dh.

I dont get it - i really dont. Could someone have a read and honestly tell me if i am being horrid, beacuse its really upset me to think i am being mean to dh.

thansk

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 11/11/2008 22:51

estuaryfairy, it is not about the dog per se, it is about the principle of the thing - the man said he would look after the dog, thus relieving the OP of her otherwise fulltime responsibility for it, and then attempted to renege on the deal. Not cool.

estuaryfairy · 11/11/2008 23:04

I realise it's not really about the dog, hence my . I just find it strange that both the op and her dh are planning activities that force them to be apart when they could have a family weekend with their dd, given that the op's dh is obviously away a lot of the time.

pudding25 · 11/11/2008 23:16

I agree with estuary. Surely, if DH has not seen his DW or DD for some time, he would want to spend time with them rather than go out with his mates.

OP I don't think you are being selfish at all and can understand that you can't plan your life round DH's job. However, surely you all want to see each other?

thumbwitch · 11/11/2008 23:22

from what I remember, the OP's H doesn't want to see his MIL, hence doesn't wish to go with his DW and DD on the visit.

estuaryfairy · 11/11/2008 23:33

That's fair enough, but then why aren't the op and dd staying home with dh/daddy, who has, I believe, already changed his plans to go out? I do understand that the op gets fed up with constantly having to change her plans to accommodate her dh's work, but surely she tacitly agreed to that when she became a 'forces wife'? And it's about their dd spending time with both parents, rather than the op being annoyed at having to change a hair appointment, surely? Or am I being idealistic here?

thumbwitch · 11/11/2008 23:47

from what she has said, it takes a long time to get that appt arranged and in fairness she has had her plans in place for weeks, so not that surprising that she doesn't want to drop them because he is now there. However, I think he could just get on with it and go with them, but he has chosen to do the socialising with his mates thing instead. Even if he went down after the hair appt to meet up with them.

Still, it's OP's family, she knows best what works for them in respect of how much her DH sees DD etc.

estuaryfairy · 12/11/2008 00:02

Thumbwitch, he has changed his arrangements with his mates. And I would only be in the same house as my xp's evil c**t of a mother if my dd's life depended on it. Not saying that's the case here, but sometimes it's not a simple case of chin up and get on with it. Anyway, you're right about the op knowing best what works for her and her family. [yawning and switching off laptop emocion]

mou · 12/11/2008 00:26

I neither think you are being unreasonable or controlling shop.

So much of your life is dictated by his career. OK. But this weekend is a one off and surely it would be fair to be able to leave a dog in it's comfortable environment as your DH will be around. Nobody 'needs' to stay out all night, they want to and it is a fair compromise to come home and be around a sick dog. You obviously take responsibility for the dog most of the time and we all get 'compassion fatigue'. It would actually be a nice gesture if he said 'no, love, you enjoy your time with your parents and do not worry about the dog.' 'oh, and thank-you for coming home to see and cook for my parents.'

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 12/11/2008 08:21

I cant believe this is still going - lol
Its all been resolved at home now. I feel a bit silly, dh has applogised lots. As you have said - it is not really about the dog. Its about the responsibility.
I know i am not controlling - i have realised this overnight. I constantly go out of my way for my dh. I always cancel my plans, and most of the time try to arrange them around him. This is the first time this year than i havent. Its a one off.

I am leaving on friday lunchtime, to spend some time with my mother - who is really upset that i have just moved so far away from her. Its about trying to keep her happy too. It will be nice to spend some time just my mum and me. Dh is more than welcome to come too - but realises how upset my mum was when i moved and that its important to reassure her. My hair appt is at 10am then next day - it will take about 3 hours then i will be leaving to come home. There is no point dh coming up after the hair appt.

Estuaryfairy - i had been with my dh for 2 years before we got married. - i supose in principle i agreed to the army lifestyle. BUT you dont really know what its like until you are in the thick of it. Its very hard to explain and its always me sacrificing everything - friends - jobs- houses - plans - time - birthdays - xmas- having to do everything on your own ALL the time. I have lived this way for 10 years now, so i know what its like and i rarely complain. Plans changing at a momments notice - i kid you not, once he got 40 mins notice that he was going to iraq. Luckly i worked near home so got home in time to say goodbye. It is very very rare that i put myself first - this is the first time this year. i was was very angry that he first accepted to help - then lied and changed the goal posts. We do try to spend as much time together as we can, dd has a lovely relationship with her daddy, but i think its also important for her to see her grandparents. Yes he has been away for 3 weeks and has been out for 3 nights this week. That was not seeing his mates - that was time he volunteers for the local army cadets - giving back to the community and giving his career a helping hand at the same time. I would rather he didnt do it sometimes as i would like to see him - but how selfish would i be ask him to stop, when he is doing it for the community.Its not always 3 nights a week - its usually just one, but he has been helping out other grouips and there has been special things for remembrance. I also found out yesterday that he is going to be away most of dec and jan. So my lovely xmas dress and shoes will have to be returned to the shop. Grandparents were looking forward to babysitting - that needs to be cancelled too. And i will be left organising the whole of xmas and dds birthay on my own. ( again)

Annas - thank you - i know any forces wife would understand. I hope your dh is home soon. YOu are really doing a good job - its hard work when you are on your own.

OP posts:

estuaryfairy · 12/11/2008 10:09

Shoptilidrop, as you say, you don't know what it's like until you are actually doing it. I'm a lone parent, so I know how hard it is to do everything on your own, but at least I know I'm going to be doing things on my own, IYSWIM. Glad it's all been sorted out and hope you all have a lovely weekend, including the dog .

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 12/11/2008 10:49

Thats it - im not saying being on your own is easy - its so not. But you know where you stand and make your plans accordingly.
Its extreamly frustrating when you make plans then they get changed about 6 times then your husband - who is meant to share responsibilities with you acts like a twat!

thanks - i do plan to have a good weekend now.

OP posts:

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 12/11/2008 10:55

thanks - i do plan to have a good weekend now.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 12/11/2008 11:37

YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!!!

VinegarTits · 12/11/2008 17:32

Glad its all resloved now shop

Can you namechange to MadDogWoman

Have a good weekend!

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