not sure I have done the right thing or just made it worse

[Ihaverunaway]

I have just taken the children and come to my mum and dads house (they are away) as dh is in the pub and I am terrified he will be abusive cwhen he gets home.

he has done this before. He promised to be home by 5 after I dropped him off at 2ish.

He now wont answer his phone.

last time he did this I took the kids and called police as he threatened to mash up the house.

He is a great father and dh 99.9% of the time but just a nasty c**t when drunk sometimes.

i am terrified i have made it worse as he will be angry when he gets home and finds us gone.

what do i do if he turns up here

Oh, and I was also a health professional - and he was a bank manager!!!!!

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You have made the break - thats the hardest thing and you've done it.
Now everything else is the dust settling into place.
I didn't have children when I left my abusive dp (and I put up with it for 5 years I was so far in denial and so worried about what neighbours/work/family would think, so you are not alone there) and even as I was grabbing stuff to leave I kept thinking that I couldn't do it, that he was ok when he wasn't kicking off etc etc.

What got me through it was the realisation that people split up every day. Its just that today its me.

When its other people you just hear 'oh such a body's split up with her husband' and its not really that much of a big deal to you. But when its yourself, its a MASSIVE deal. So try and detach yourself and look on it as someone else's break up and what you would tell them to do. I knew that I would tell myself to keep running and never go back.

Another thing that helped me was that a friend said he wasn't even thinking about if he loved me, what it would take to get me back. All he could see was that he had been very publicly rejected and THATS what was hurting him the most.

Your husband is trying to use emotional blackmail re ringing the headmistress, so ignore anything like that.

Just keep strong for you and the children, and if you do feel yourself weaken (because when he calms down he will do all the weeping and wailing and can't live without you) just keep reminding yourself that this man bit your child.

A dog that did that would have been put down.

Ring Womens Aid or your local police station who will put you in contact with your local DV unit. There will be someone who can help you to decide what to do next. No-one writes a manual on how to cope with this do they? Surely if your house is in joint names, you can take out an injunction so that he has to leave and you remain in the marital home with the dc.

When are your parents back? Do you have a good relationship with them? They should be here supporting you in this.

I am sorry to say this, but if I knew him in RL I would report him to the police for attackig a child and threatening behaviour. And if you stay with him, I would report you for effectively turning a blind eye to it .

there is no excuse for this - he knows he is a nasty drunk, he knows he has behaved very badly, both in the past and this time. If he is not prepared to go TT and come off the drink, you have no alternative.

Totally not comparable in reactions but:
my DH had his last binge a couple of months ago. He is not a dangerous or vindictive drunk, just a stupid one. It was a works do, he promised himself he would not get drunk for 3 reasons:

1. he didn't want the hangover (they have started lasting all day)
2. he didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of work colleagues
3. he didn't want me going on at him all weekend. Failed on all counts!

He came home bladdered, couldn't make it up the stairs, spent a couple of hours retching and throwing up in the downstairs loo and slept on the dining room floor until 4am when he went to bed. He has not had a drink since and doesn't plan to until he feels that he can manage to just have one, not instantly over-drink, which is what he fears will happen if he starts again now. He has chosen to do this because he doesn't like what happens and doesn't like the fact he can't control his drinking - it is possible, and your H has 1000 times more reason to go this route than mine at the moment!!

I also have a friend whose ex-P could get very unstable when drunk and was verbally abusive - one night i was there and he verbally attacked me, then hit her and when she threatened to leave he woke the children. She stayed but the next day when she got up, her 18mo's hair had been shorn by mad P. He became ex very shortly afterwards - once they start on the DC, there is no telling where it will go and you MUST protect them.

It is hard, but being a professional doesn't mean it can't happen to you - so much domestic abuse happens at all levels, being "middle class" and professional is no protection (and no surprise these days either). You MUST report this, seek help, sort it out. He MUST agree to give up drinking if he can't manage his intake sensibly. If he is a decent man, he will understand why this has to be the case and he will do it for the DC, if not for his marriage. If he won't do it then he cares more about himself and his drinking than you and your DC and family.

thanks so much for taking the time to write those messages. I agree and know things have gone to far.
I picked up some more clothes etc earlier and he said he has nothing to say to me.
I am going to ask him to move out tomorrow as is not fair the dcs are not at home with their things.
I have looked into occuption order thingys but am worried my full time income will mean I wont get any help with legal costs and I am skint and will be paying all bills etc myself.
I am feeling a bit stronger and keep reminding myself of the stuff he has done in the past and at the end of the day I dont trust him never to do it again.I wont put my children at risk.

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I know ! It makes it all easier him being like that. He really thinks I was in the wrong bringing the children here so we were not at home when he got home drunk.
I guess I can add egotistical to his list of faults.
He said last night he came home happy and had even brought me a perrepami from the pub (lucky me..). It makes me even more cross as it seems he can control if he is 'nice' drunk or 'nasty' drunk.
I am tempted to let his parents know what is going on but it would break m-i-l heart as she was so proud he had setled down after his troubled teenage / early twenties years.

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He has nothing to say, what about 'sorry' for starters??

I would tell him where to stick the Pepperami!!

If he had been apologetic or remorseful about you having to leave through FEAR of him behaviour then I would have thought it wasn't the end, and that with commitment and counselling you could get through this. But his behaviour in the night and this morning says it all. There's no coming back from this. Sorry to say it but it seems like he doesn't love you enough to put you and the children first.

So for a few precious pints at the local he has lost his family.

I think his parents would want to know from YOU what is happening, rather than other unrelated sources. Yes, it may break his mums heart, but HE is the one breaking it, not you. You cannot take on the responsibility for his mums fealings on top of your own. They need to know what is happening.

Ihaverunaway, if you haven't already, please read this thread.

This lady got good, practical advice from Womens Aid.

If you talk to his parents though, be prepared for blood to be thicker than water.

Tell them what has happened, but then you need to fully expect them to support their son and be shocked or hurt if they do.
Afer ages of telling me to leave my ex dp, his brother and my ils hated me when I actually did. They just believed my ex about how I didn't give him a chance etc etc.
They may not be able to see his faults - if you say to mil he came home drunk, she may just see it as her boy having a couple of pints once in a while. So please don't expect his mother to take your side or do much else than support her son and expect you to give him another chance.
Hopefully she might give him a good talking to, but somehow, imo, I doubt it.

thanks again for the fantastic advice and support.
a friend has just been over and I have told her about the years of dh problems with alcohol and his abuse and really feel strong that I am doing the right thing.
The next year will be hideous but I will be so much better off in every way. i am just going to have to grit my teeth and get on with it.
dh still saying I am out of order for 'stealing' his children. I just hope he stays sober but think even he realises he will lcompletely lose the children as well as me if he puts a foot wrong now.

you sound more positive and together tonight

well done, and keep it up

look to your friends and family for support

you sound a lovely person, and deserve to not live under a dark shadow

I am so pleased you have talked to your friend, keep talking, the more shame we hold onto the more we go back. You are doing the right thing just keep talking.

a quick update -

we are talking solicitors etc and it is amicable so far.

I thought you would like to let you know that he is planning to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour

yes, thought that would make you laugh

he is still refusing to budge from the house though so we are camped out at my parnets still which is a pain. I am seeing solicitor tomorrow though.

< clutches aching sides >

you are being unreasonable? To remove your children from the house where you were in fear of violence?

I don't think so.

God this man has mighty powers of self-deception! I almost envy him. I wish I could live as if I was the only one who ever mattered.

Peace to you, and I hope that you can sort things out sooner rarher than later.

Be prepared that once it goes into his thick skull that you are serious, he will try to start charming you again. The next few weeks/months are going to be very very hard and you will have to find reserves of strength you didn't know you had.

Good luck x

if a divorce is what you want - dont worry if he divorces you, as long as you know the truth as does he.

i suspect he is doing it to call your bluff though and if you agree he will change again.

My ex divorced me due to my lack of sleeping with him and unreasonable behaviour.

The fact is - get your petition in first, then he can't do it... you divorce him.

It's basically a race to get the petition in first, but then again - part of me thought "who cares what paperwork says; I'll be free"

Hi OP, how are things now?

OMG, the man is seriously deluded!! Agree, file first, it would bug the hell out of me to accept the "blame". What has your solicitor said? Much love to you, you are being very strong x