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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure I have done the right thing or just made it worse

147 replies

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 18:39

I have just taken the children and come to my mum and dads house (they are away) as dh is in the pub and I am terrified he will be abusive cwhen he gets home.

he has done this before. He promised to be home by 5 after I dropped him off at 2ish.

He now wont answer his phone.

last time he did this I took the kids and called police as he threatened to mash up the house.

He is a great father and dh 99.9% of the time but just a nasty c**t when drunk sometimes.

i am terrified i have made it worse as he will be angry when he gets home and finds us gone.

what do i do if he turns up here

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 23:11

he trotted out the same old shit. I am not welcome there any more. I am a cow for planning this.

He said he had phoned his mum and she was going to call the police for stealing his children. I know she fled her abusive drunk father at 16 so I am sure she would not have said that. I doubt he even phoned her as she would have been straight on the phone to me.

i am worried if I dont answer he will come round (5 mins walk)

i am too scared to go to sleep

OP posts:
unavailable · 09/11/2008 23:20

You know he is talking shit. Dont answer the phone to hear more drunken threats. If he does come to the house, call the police. Save any abusive texts/voicemail.
I know I'm not typing anything you dont know already, its just for solidarity. You dont need to make any future palns tonight - just feel safe.

Lots of luck...

redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 23:21

did you ask the police if they could go round to him right now? Even if they can't arrest him, they might warn him against harrasing you further.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 23:24

if the police went round he would have a go at them and end up arrested for assualting them.

It is tempting but my son does really idolise him as he is a fantastic father sometimes.

shit , how am I going to explain this to him tomorrow. he did ask if daddy knew where we were as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 23:26

I am going to bed now. I am usually asleep by 9 as dd such an early riser so am feeling bad bad bad bad bad

thanks again

OP posts:
redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 23:27

sleep well. I hope you can drop off easily.xx

Lurcio · 09/11/2008 23:30

I have not managed to read the entire thread yet, but I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you get some sleep. Take care x

ready4anotherCoffee · 09/11/2008 23:52

sleep well.

wishing you a quiet night xx

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 10/11/2008 07:05

slept on and off, had another phone call of the same telling me I could never go back to the house etc etc.

I have just rang and he is not at work. I asked if I could pick up ds school uniform, lunch box etc. He said no. he was all aggressive like I had done something wrong.

I said I need the things so can he get them ready. he said ok. so am going to have to go round and let dc wait in the car (on drive) when I pick up stuff.

I am really nervous. He normally does not sober up till mid morning. I dont want to go through this. Why why why why does he have a problem with drink.

wtf do I say to work as supposed to be there half eight. do I tell my in laws as they normally take dd to nursey ?

OP posts:
DiscoDizzy · 10/11/2008 07:10

IMO Don't send the children to school so you don't need to go round, don't go to work, take a few days off sick - your mind won't be on it anyway. Ring your in laws, maybe they could go and get some stuff from the house.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 10/11/2008 07:22

I want to keep things normal for the dc. I will make them stay in the car. dh wont cause a scene with them there.

ds wants to go home and get chenged. I have not said anything to him. Should I tell him what is going on. They are excited about staying at my parents house. I have told them we are looking after it as they away

OP posts:
AnnasBananas · 10/11/2008 07:55

Please don't go. Don't. Can you ask someone to go in your place to collect the things??

The sort of man who has bitten your children WILL think nothing of making a scene in front of them. It will make it worse for them.

anyfucker · 10/11/2008 08:01

why are you going to work?

ring in sick for gods sake

keep the kids off school while you arrange for their uniform to be picked up, or at last until he is sober and you can do it

if you remain strong enough to set wheels in motion to separate from him then the kids will have their normal routine changed, that is his fault, not yours

again, he is not a good father

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 10/11/2008 08:21

I went round and he has not smashed the house up. It was all lies (for a change)
The house stunk of alcohol so I guess he is still drunk. He did not say a word just asked me to lock the door on the way out. I am not sure I am strong enough to seperate. I just want to go home but he has no where to go so we are camping out here. I want the dc to sleep in their own beds tonight.
I am going to phone in sick as cant face work

OP posts:
ShinyPinkPumpkin · 10/11/2008 08:31

I would tell your in-laws and continue to stay at your parents UNLESS he can stay with his meaning you and the kids can stay safely in your own home.

ShinyPinkPumpkin · 10/11/2008 08:33

Sorry....I wanted to add that you did exactly the right thing to keep you all safe.

Maybe try and have an easy day and talk to a few friends to try and make sense of what you need to do next.

Take care of yoirself today and avoid seeing him if you can x

thumbwitch · 10/11/2008 09:06

you ARE strong enough to separate from him - you know you are, he is just sapping your strength and energy from you because he is an emotional leech and a bully.

Your son may idolise him now, but that isn't going to last if this type of thing escalates into physical violence; even the verbal abuse is hard to listen to when you are small and can understand some of what is being said. So breaking with your H now may be more beneficial for father-son relationship in the long run and will definitely be more beneficial for your son's learning and understanding of what is and is not acceptable in a relationship.

Stay strong, you have done brilliantly well so far.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 10/11/2008 10:30

I am sitting here wishing I was at home and he wasnt.

I have not heard from him since I picked stuff up at 7 30 so should I contact him and ask if he can stay elsewhere tonight or just sit tight. ds said when we picked up stuff ' I hope daddy does not start an argument' so I think he knows more than he is letting on.

I really dont know what to do next.

OP posts:
Dior · 10/11/2008 10:39

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 10/11/2008 10:41

You really need to ring womens aid. Please get some support.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 10/11/2008 10:43

think I might go and buy some chocolate and need food for dc's later.

keep crying today. one of my collegues who is a friend just tried to phone but I knew I would cry if I spoke to her

OP posts:
Dior · 10/11/2008 10:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 10/11/2008 10:49

what could womens aid do ?

I am a health professional so really crap at taking help / advice from others and still deeply ashamed and confused.

If I am honest this has coloured our relationship for years and I have never felt 100% 'in love' with dh. I do love him and we have a great life together. He could never agree to go TT and I can never trust him when he says 'just poiing out for a pint' as it often ends in a massive binge and the nasty verbal abuse. He also likes to wake me up and force me to listen to his drunen ranting. I know I need to make the break but it is so fucking hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 10/11/2008 10:50

popping not poiing

drunken not drunen !

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 10/11/2008 10:54

They might offer you some options - you are currently out of the house with your children, he is warm and snug at home whilst you scrabble around trying to keep things normal for your children.

They can offer you a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to and an objective point of view.

Finally, if push comes to shove, literally, you have somewhere to run to.

In any case, you should keep - at a friends house - a bag with enough clothes for you all, copies of all documents you might need or originals - such as passports and NI cards - etc in case you ever need to get away in a hurry.

I have lived with a violent drunk and am lucky to have lived to tell the tale. He was also the very nicest man when sober.