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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure I have done the right thing or just made it worse

147 replies

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 18:39

I have just taken the children and come to my mum and dads house (they are away) as dh is in the pub and I am terrified he will be abusive cwhen he gets home.

he has done this before. He promised to be home by 5 after I dropped him off at 2ish.

He now wont answer his phone.

last time he did this I took the kids and called police as he threatened to mash up the house.

He is a great father and dh 99.9% of the time but just a nasty c**t when drunk sometimes.

i am terrified i have made it worse as he will be angry when he gets home and finds us gone.

what do i do if he turns up here

OP posts:
redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 21:57

I remember being in precisely the same situation as you 6 years ago. It is really scary, I know, knowing that he is on the way. And all the ranting, threatening phonecalls.

I think you did the right thing, calling the police. They can be ready for him when he arrives.
Be brave. Thinking of you.xx

Alambil · 09/11/2008 21:57

Also, if the police are called and say there's grounds to charge him.

DO IT.

It will help in the long run.

Please learn from my mistake (I was too scared to do it)

CHARGE HIM.

redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 21:59

are you still there? are you ok?

cluelessnchaos · 09/11/2008 22:07

I hope you are ok, listen forget about what is going to happen tommorow or who owns the house the first knock he makes on that door you ring the police, he is angry and he is going to hurt you, my ex did this I rang as he knocked for the first time and by the tiem the police arrived he was half way through my door. You have a duty to keep yourself and your dc safe, DO NOT LET HIM IN, ask him to leave and you will see him tommorow onthe off chance he does that youcan tell the police.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:08

he has rang again ang said I can never go home and called me a fucking cow.

I think he knows I will call 999 if he shows up. He does not have a key thank god.

I am shaking but in a way feel this will end the last 7 years of abuse.

He does not do this often (the police said previous incident was 18th Sept) but I realy cannot take it any more

he said it is all my doing.

TBH what he says just washes over me as I have heard it all before but the dc being involved last time took it all to a new level. I hope i get through it.

he has just rang to say we will never get through this. he sounded quite sober and just said i hope you are going to enjoy being homeless

OP posts:
Dior · 09/11/2008 22:08

Message withdrawn

Alambil · 09/11/2008 22:10

September really wasn't that long ago I fear you're immune to it, like a lot of us are / were.

You WILL get through this - I promise.

You won't be homeless either - the law is on your side.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:12

he said he had put superglue in the locks so I can never return home and he will phone ds headmistress to let her know what is going on in the morning.

I am too worried to go to bed but at least O know he prob wont come round now.

I just said I brought the children here as I dont want them in the house when he is drunk. he thinks I am in the wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:13

I am trying not to cry asif i start i wont stop

OP posts:
Alambil · 09/11/2008 22:14

He can think what he likes - he ain't right.

Are you married? Joint names on the house?

Ring the school yourself tomorrow; it won't hurt.

cluelessnchaos · 09/11/2008 22:15

Have a good bawl, there is a lot of different emotions in there and you are allowed to feel them, get it out because tommorow will be another day and you will have a lot to do.

Dior · 09/11/2008 22:16

Message withdrawn

mankymummy · 09/11/2008 22:17

sweetie, even if it came to you being homeless, isnt that better than living in fear with someone who has hurt your children?

you feel you've lost your home, security etc., its awful, but once you have sorted yourself out you will be safe. your children will be safe.

i walked out 8 months pregnant with a bag of clothes and nowhere to go. it was hard. but it was the best thing i ever did. i should have done it sooner. my DS is happy, content and not like his father. because i left.

you can do this. you can do it for your children.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:18

we are married and jointly own the house - although we do have deed of trust as I put up big deposit. I would be ok financially if house sold and have better paid job than him.

just cant believe my marriage is over but know it will be for the best if i get through the next couple of years we were planning to do an extension earlier today and wee goig to get some quotes. a few hours later it has all gone to shit

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 22:19

You have to remember: You have not taken his children away from him. HE has expelled his own children (and partner) from their home through his drinking and violence. It is not YOU. It is HIM doing it.

18th September is not long ago at all.

He is a nasty man and a bully.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:22

I know he is a bully and an absolute fucking cunt for doing this. He is not always like that . if it was it waould all be easy

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 09/11/2008 22:26

Thats right when life is going his way he is fine and dandy but when life is not he kicks the closest thing he has to hand you and your kids, and you know what he will say tommorow and you know that he will play on your insecurities and that he will play a sob story and suggest that you wont cope without him or cant do better, but there are hundreds of women on here who are testement taht you will do better and will cope and will hold your head up high.

mankymummy · 09/11/2008 22:27

i know its not easy but how easy would it be to know your kids remember their dad hurting them when he was drunk?

and how must they feel, or what must they fear each time they know he is drunk now?

redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 22:27

They (the abusing types) are never 'always like it'. But the incidents become increasingly frequent and serious, without fail. You have definately done the right thing.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:28

have just texted good friend and told her so is no longer a secret. no going back now

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 09/11/2008 22:30

WELL DONE, that is a huge step and you should be so proud of yourself, if you were my friend I would be so sad that you had been doing this without me, I know what you mean aboutnot going back i hid it all and only when I finally dumped him did I tell everybody, as insurance that I wouldnt take him back.

Alambil · 09/11/2008 22:30

Well done - that is one of the hardest things to do.

There is no shame in what's happened. Remember that.

Dior · 09/11/2008 22:31

Message withdrawn

mummylin2495 · 09/11/2008 22:32

ihaverunaway i am in bournemouth , what area are you in ? just give a landmark which is local to you

redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 22:33

well done. that is a big step - telling people. Also, in doing so he loses ammunition, as he probably plays on the fact that you find it embarrasing and would rather everyone thought you were a perfect happy family.
I know my ex was fuming when he realised that I had passed caring, and I actually positively wanted people to know what he is really like. Oddly, prior to that, he had actually threatened to tell our friends that things were not ok in our marriage.
It is freeing, to let go of the 'secret'. Good on you!