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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure I have done the right thing or just made it worse

147 replies

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 18:39

I have just taken the children and come to my mum and dads house (they are away) as dh is in the pub and I am terrified he will be abusive cwhen he gets home.

he has done this before. He promised to be home by 5 after I dropped him off at 2ish.

He now wont answer his phone.

last time he did this I took the kids and called police as he threatened to mash up the house.

He is a great father and dh 99.9% of the time but just a nasty c**t when drunk sometimes.

i am terrified i have made it worse as he will be angry when he gets home and finds us gone.

what do i do if he turns up here

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/11/2008 19:21

the no was to keeping it secret by the way

Call the police and ask to speak to the Domestic Violence Team

scaryfucker · 09/11/2008 19:36

he bit a child ?

he wants fucking castrating

sorry, but you must never go back to this person

fuck the neighbourhood, my God, if SS find out he has done this and you have enabled it, your kids are at risk of being removed and so it should be

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 19:45

ok, will wait till older dc in bed too and phone someone.

I dont want to break his heart again as his dad is his hero.

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/11/2008 19:49

Listen..... how will YOU be breaking HIS heart?

What has his father got to do with this? (sorry - I genuinely don't understand)

Is he not an adult?

Is he not responsible for his own actions?

He has CHOSEN - yes, CHOSEN to act in this deplorable way.

I promise you right now that he will tell you he's sorry, it won't happen again, it's because his mother never loved him or whatever excuse he can dream up.

He's LYING.

He's proved it tonight - this is not the first time, is it?

TeeBee · 09/11/2008 19:54

I am literally sitting here in tears at the thought of your child being bit by their own father. Please, please take them away from that. You are the only person with the power to do that. You will be making THEIR world better. Do you want them growing up thinking that is the way to treat their partners and children? I suspect not. It really is not okay.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/11/2008 19:56

The dad who bites his kids is a hero?

Somehow I don't think so. My mother took years of abuse from my drunken father. It was the happiest day of my life when she FINALLY left him, yet all of my family thought I was a Daddy's girl.

Alambil · 09/11/2008 19:57

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I get it - sorry

macdoodle · 09/11/2008 20:01

Lewis LOLOL - you didnt get it did you

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 20:01

I know he is a nasty drunk- which is why we have left the house tonight.

I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY MORE

it has been kept hidden from dcs up till the last incident as they were always in bed. i do not want to bring my dcs up to have to keep put of daddy's way when he is drunk.

i want to feel safe in my own home and I want to be able to put dc's to bed without fear that their father will wake them up with his drunken shouting / banging about.

I guess this has been part of my life for so long it is normal. It started when I was pg with dc 1(nearly 7)

After last time I told him that I would be a terrible mother if I put my children at risk of that again and he cried and agreed and promised he would never do it again.

I am worried I have over reacted as he may have been fine this time ( it does not happen every time he drinks) but I just cant risk it.

I am trying to keep it together for dc1 but have a million thoughts going through my head. Can I get him to move out of our jointly owned house ? where could we live ? I am supposed to be going for a girls wekend away next weekend.

Just terified of what could happen and thius is the end of my marriage

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/11/2008 20:04

All your questions will be answered by Womens Aid.

Well done for making this decision - it's by no means easy, but it truly is the best one for you.

TeeBee · 09/11/2008 20:06

I don't think where he goes can be your concern - that is one small thing he can sort out himself. Yours surely has to be making it work at home with the children. He knows he is violent when drunk but then goes out and gets drunk again - surely this shows his level of commitment. Yes, you're right, he may well have been okay this time. But what about the next time he goes out for a drink? And the next time? And the next? Do you want to spend your life worrying??

I wish you all the luck in the world - you are going to have to be strong to sort this one out. Do you have family and friends to support you? I really hope so. XX

dontbitemytoes · 09/11/2008 20:11

ihaverunaway, well done. I for one am very proud of the way you have handled this, i'm not sure i could have been so strong. Your children WILL understand, if not today, or tomorrow they will in the future, and you will help them to realise that they are worthwhile individuals who do not have to put up with violent partners themselves.

you don't sound at all like you have over-reacted to me. You told your dp that this is what would happen if he did this again, and you have. You have just followed through with your promises, not overreacted.

You know for youreself that you cannot take the risk to stay at home tonight. He bit your child. what might he do next time? if he were more angry or more drunk?

sit tight, phone the police to put them on alert so that they respond quickly if there is a problem, shut the curtains, lock the doors and turn up the tv. please try to relax. You have behaved admirably.

Yes, you can get him out of the house, and most likely tomorrow especially given the past episodes of harm. Whereabouts in the country are you? My dh is a divorce lawyer and you can get protection for yourself and dc, and also get him out of the house, even if you are not married (sorry can't remember from OP ). But there is time to think about that tomorrow. get tonight out of they way for a starter.

good luck to you.

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 20:14

thanks for saying what I need to hear.

I am an intelligent professional yet I have let this go on for years. I work for social services.

I am going to have to make the break as I can never guarentee he wont do this again.

I really like a social drink and come from a family of social drinkers but had never encountered this until I was pg so too late to get out easily.

I am terrified of going through a divorce as dont feel strong right now. Just want to run off with the dcs and pretend it is not happening

OP posts:

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 20:17

x post with dbmt - thanks for that.

I am going to watch strictly with ds now as trying to act normal. I have the 24hr dv helpline no so will ring when he goes to bed or police if dh rings and worries me.

I am in Dorset near Bournemouth

OP posts:

dontbitemytoes · 09/11/2008 20:36

if you need some advice tomorrow let me know, and i shall give you dh's number, he might be able to find someone who can help you if he can't. hope tonight goes ok. i will be thinking of you.

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 21:31

he has just rang and is really angry and told me he is going to call the police as I have taken his children.

he ranted and told me to fuck off and never come back.

I feel numb. am on hold trying to get throught to dv helpline.
he knows where we are and I am worried he may turn up. he has never been physically violent (except with the dc last time) but is really verbally nasty.

shit. I dont want this to be happening

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/11/2008 21:34

Ring off WA for now.

Ring 999

Verbal nastiness is still violence and the police need to put you're address on red alert.

Please call 999 right now.

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 21:36

he has phoned again and is ranting about me stealing the children

am going to phone

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/11/2008 21:38

Good.

Remember - you have run away to protect yourselves.

You have done nothing wrong.

The law is on your side.

Lock the doors, don't answer the phone - and we are here to keep you company

kormachameleon · 09/11/2008 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 21:48

just rang police - they said the operators are aware and ring 999 if he turns up.

he has tried ringing mobile and is angry as I was on the phone when he tried to phone.

he wanted to know who I was on the phone to.

he is getting angry and threating to come over over he has just said he is on his fucking way

OP posts:

Original poster

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 21:49

shit am really frightened now

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/11/2008 21:49

Keep the phone in your hand - you will be fine.

Lock the door - does he have a key?

Keep posting if you can.

Well done; this is definitely not easy and you're coping really well

Dior · 09/11/2008 21:51

Message withdrawn

Alambil · 09/11/2008 21:54

how far from him are you? How long will it take him to get there?

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