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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure I have done the right thing or just made it worse

147 replies

Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 18:39

I have just taken the children and come to my mum and dads house (they are away) as dh is in the pub and I am terrified he will be abusive cwhen he gets home.

he has done this before. He promised to be home by 5 after I dropped him off at 2ish.

He now wont answer his phone.

last time he did this I took the kids and called police as he threatened to mash up the house.

He is a great father and dh 99.9% of the time but just a nasty c**t when drunk sometimes.

i am terrified i have made it worse as he will be angry when he gets home and finds us gone.

what do i do if he turns up here

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:34

near bournemouth. Terrified some one in rl will recognise me although would not happen

OP posts:
redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 22:37

is he still calling you? or has he given up?

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:38

he actually said he had taken pictures of dc's beds ( they were unmade as I washed bedding today ) to prove what a crap mother I was and the pictures have times and dates to show soc services.

That does not sound right does it. I am doubting I have done the right thing as his bullying must have rubbed of.

I am doing the right thing. he is a cunt and i hate him

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 09/11/2008 22:39

can i help in any way ?

Dior · 09/11/2008 22:39

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 22:39

So, he is going to show social services that you change bedlinen? He is beyond ridiculous. Dont reply to him. Let him get on with it. You KNOW that he is in the wrong.

He BIT your child.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:40

no calls for awhile. He said he has done some stupid things in the house. last time this kicked off the police said there is nothing they can do if he decides to smash up house as joint owned.

I am worried as ds school uniform is there and how am I going to go to work tomorrow. need dc lunch boxes and dd antibiotics in fridge at home

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:42

thanks so much mummyl but dont think I need any thing right now. I just hope he is not going to turn up. He was in army infantry and can be pretty sly and ruthless. He also hates police so if they wee involved he would kick off with them

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 22:42

Can they get a one off school dinner tomorrow seing as you are in special circumstances?

I dont suppose there is anybody you can send around for her meds and their uniform...?

redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 22:43

not sure if this is possible - but could the police go round to the house and arrest him now? Anyone? He surely is not within his right to trash your things and the children's things.

mistlethrush · 09/11/2008 22:44

But its not about her pov - its about him getting out of control when he's drunk too much. If he had really been sorry he would have ensured that it never happened again - and gone TT if this was the only way to do that. This sort of behaviour is unnacceptable.

I would ring the headmistress tomorrow and tell her all - including why you had to leave, what he has previously done, and what he has threatened this time - school need to know why things have broken down and that the children cannot be allowed to go with their father in any circumstances.

Best of luck with tomorrow

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2008 22:46

It wouldnt be such a bad thing if he were to kick off with the police, his bad side on record is not a bad thing at all.

Is there any chance you can call the police and ask their advice about what to do?

He is wrecking your home. And you have been threatened. And your kids need their uniform and medicine.

ready4anotherCoffee · 09/11/2008 22:46

would it be possible to get police to escort you tomorrow to collect stuff?

Not going to do them any harm to have a day off, although I know you'd prefer to keep their routine.

Given the circs, you would have to let the school know so he doesn't try to collect them iykwim

LadyOfRObamaffle · 09/11/2008 22:47

Have no advice really, just well done for being strong. Stay strong, we are all here for you x

anyfucker · 09/11/2008 22:47

ring school tomorrow, the kids may need a couple of days off while you get sorted

same with work, take some domestic leave/sick leave

see your GP if you need to get signed off

these are all practical issues, that I know seem like a mountain, but you can overcome them

when are your parents back?

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:48

he collects dcs every day from school / nursery as I work full time.

Would doc sign me off for this or would I get leave as cant afford unpaid leave? at least we can stay here fo awhile

OP posts:
ready4anotherCoffee · 09/11/2008 22:50

stress? anxiety?

Would you qualify for benefits. your ct credit would alter as you are now down to one income [yours]

Could work change you hours to offer flexitime while you sort out childcare?

anyfucker · 09/11/2008 22:51

yes, your doc would sign you off for this

make an appt tomorrow

if you work in SS, are you not entitled to domestic leave? This is for unseen domestic emergencies, I would count this as a domestic emergency. It depends on your company policy, but you should be entitled to a minimum of one day paid leave In some cases more).

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 22:54

I phoned police last time so if he ever did it again there would be a record. I am soo pleased I did that now.

This time he has not done any thing (apart from verbal abuse on phone) but I knew he would be drunk so did not want me or dc's to be in the house.

I thik I am harbouring some hate as when I was stood at upstairs window earlier with phone waiting to call 999 if he arrived i did hope he would be arrested and he would make it worse for himself. I am feeling strong / scared and want to pretend this is all some one else all at once.

We live in a pretty well to do area and some of the school mums are really up themselves and I am just worried about what people will think of me and feel dreadful that the children have to go through this. They do not deserve an abusive father. I shopuld have left him the first time and not had another dc

OP posts:
ready4anotherCoffee · 09/11/2008 22:57

Don't feel ashamed. According to stats on the radio 1 n 4 women experience DV during their lifetime. Hold your head high, you have left. You are keeping them safe.

Original poster
Ihaverunaway · 09/11/2008 23:00

thanks for the messages. it has made the worst night of my life almost bearable.

he just rang again

OP posts:
anyfucker · 09/11/2008 23:01

Never mind about that now, regretting the past will not help you in this situation you find yourself in. You hoped for the best, that is all, that the man you love(d)could be just that.

It is not too late for you.

Also, don't underestimate those school mums, you might find more support than you imagined. And if you don't, be aware some of them are putting up with bad marriages for the sake of looking good to the other witches mums. DV is frighteningly widespread and happens to the best of us. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors?Breaking the cycle of not perpetuating it in your own dc is the key.

anyfucker · 09/11/2008 23:02

Stop answering the phone.

redpyjamas · 09/11/2008 23:03

mumsnet is so great for that. glad we have eased things for you.xx

anyfucker · 09/11/2008 23:05

I have to go to bed now as I am on-call until 8am tomorrow.

Sit tight. Switch off the phone. Keep posting here is you cant sleep, some MN'netters are night owls.

My sincerest good vibes to you.