My Husband is on the Sex Offenders Register

[atterual]

God where do I start? Im in a terrible situation. I had noly known my husband a short while (a matter of months) when he rang me from work to say he was coming home with the Police. He had apparently been accessing adult porn on his computer at work and the IT dept had spotted it and when they looked into it, he had been downloading porn and with the downloads came some child porn. So I was obviously horrified, police took away our computers, cameras, phones etc. To cut a long story a little shorter, he was eventually only given a caution and put on the Sex offenders register for 2 years due to the fact that they had only found so few images (78) and that the images were of very low risk. Call me stupid, but after eveything had dieddown and I relaised what had downloaded had not been his fault it had come down with legitimate adult porn, I eventually agreed to marry him. He lost his job obviously and got another one. Within 5 months of us getting married the police turned up again, the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job. This crap in my life has been going on for two years. He was finally taken to court for this second thing and fined and put on the register another 5 years. I have asked him to leave and he went and got a bedsit during the time we were waiting to hear if he was going to court. For some stupid reason I then said he could come back and we would try to put things behind us and move on, but I just cant. I need him to leave again, I cant live with what he may or may not have done. I dont think hes a bad person, I dont believe he wanted to acccess child porn, he certainly never paid for anything, not even adult stuff, but the seed of doubt is in my mind now and I dont trust him and I certainly dont love him and can no longer have any sexual realtionship with him. Im just so weak and frightened of asing him to leave again. please help me.

"you are still unconvinced that he is NOT a GOOD MAN" - No I dont think that is the case at all. I think it is due to her dhs refusal to see that he has done something wrong, his refusal to accept responsibility, his attitude to this in general, as he makes out that SHE is in the wrong, and that is hard for her to deal with.

BTW the memory stick was one he was using to go into Limewire (apparently) and he had it in his pocket when the police questioned him and he managed to hang on to it and they didnt ask him if he had one and didnt find it on him obviously. I have to say the first incidence was handled very poorly by the police originally and it didnt feel like they were putting much importance on it all, I was allowed to see the photos (only because I knew the policeman who had been assigned to my husband and he left the file open for me to see them) and they were of (what appeared to be ) Eastern european girls aged (from their looks and from what the police said) around 14 yrs and had been staged and paid.
there was nothing explicit in any of them, just girls, dressed but posing provocativly)Im not making any excuses in what ive just said above, just telling you the facts that were given to me.

I have had and still do have repulsion for him. Remember, this didnt happen yesterday, it happened first in 2006 I have been through every emotion and every feeling that you may care to mention. All ~i do now is care about him, ~i dont love him, I dont respect him and I certainly could allow him to touch me. I know its difficult to feel peoples emotions through text, but I can assure you Im bitter, angry, agrieved, embarrassed, ashamed, nauseated...... shall i go on?

You do realize that young girls are drugged, raped and abused for photos like that, dont you? I hope that you are not so naive that you think for a minute that these girls have posed willingly and skipped home with cash in their pockets to buy sweets for.

Trafficking young girls from Eastern Europe is one of the biggest crimes in my country. It is bigger than drugs. They are often kidnapped, sometimes lured being told they are getting work in a fashionable shop, or a as a model. The reality is very different, they spend their lives locked up in warehouses, just fed enough to not look like skeletons, they are prisoners. Raped, abused, photographed. They are teenagers.

If they survive, what sort of lives do you think they have?

Do they marry a loving man and have children?

Do they end up as drugaddicts or prostitutes on streetcornes when they are too old to "pose" any more?

Or are they killed?

Do they end up as the sad statistic of young drugged women found in ditches around here?

THis is the sort of thing your dh gets off on.

Think about it.

Quint - I dont know how to react to what youve said, I dont know anything about all of this, maybe Im more naive that i thought, things like that dont happen in my world, Im not saying that those girls in the pictures knew what was happening im just telling you what I was told, no-one explained all that to me. there are tears streaming down my face as I type this. Im sorry I didnt realise.

An Ive just realised after reading my last thread, that for a very experienced Pa, my typing is appalling, i dont want him to touch me, and i just care about him. thats all. thats what I should have typed.

I am sorry to be the one to hammer it into you then. But behind photographs like this, there ar some pretty serious crimes taking place. Your dh did possibly nothing more than look at the photographs and enjoy some arousal. But men like him is what keep the industry going. They are willing to pay a lot for such photographs. And for that reasons, young girls suffer.

I hope you will be able to move on, and get out of this nightmare. The last few years must have been really hard for you.

It has been most enlightening listening to what everyone on here has to say. I wish to god i had come on this site two years ago, maybe then I would have got rid alot earlier. Im know i may sound like Im defending him, but It has been proved that he didnt pay for any porn at all. Again, Im just telling you the facts. From what I know it was all dont through file sharing but as far as I know he didnt have any files to share. But then again, who knows, I dont and I really cant keep thinking about it and going back over it. I need to move on and get rid and get my life back. I used to be such an outgoing person. I just want to hide away now.

I wish you the every best in getting your life back on track, and finding the happy outgoing person in you. I am sure she is there.

Atteural, I am sorry your world has caved in like this, and has been doing so for two years.

I still think there is a huge element of denial in your approach, and I am sorry if I seem hard,QGP.

I find it so hard to understnad, in this age of sunday supplements, tv exposes, even Martina Cole books, online discussions, etcetc- all of which reveal the deparavities of the sex industry over and over, that anyone can not realise 14 year old Eastern European children are not complicit.

I find it hard to swallow that you are treating this information as radical or surprising. Please please, after two years of denial, gain some self confidence and get rid. Please don't go on thinking it is not as bad as you think. Your naivity begins to look rather implausible.

Good luck atterual. It will get easier with time, just hang in there and keep repeating to yourself that you're doing the right thing.

Well done for being strong. Don't worry about his 'sad face' - think about the potential 'sad faces' of your grandchildren if he decides that photos alone are not enough.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need to hear it bluntly right now.

Gosh I have read through all of these posts and I see everyones point, it does sound like he's lying to you yes and it is hard to beleive someone could be so dumb. Not only that tho but had I been wrongly suspected of accessing such things I do believe i'd give up my memory stick and explain everything. I'd be mortified, so mortified there is not a chance i'd have kept even a possible trace of it. TBH if you accidently received it, would you save it to a stick? Would you consider reporting it? I would definately report it. Anyway this was not the reason I wanted to add, i think it's been established that it sounds a bit odd but I wanted to let you know I don't think you are stupid or naive, I think your the kind of person who sees the good in someone you don't know to be bad. I think what you've been put through by him is shocking and yet I also realise you prob think i'm being dramatic or making it sound worse than it is but when you care about someone sometimes you feel you know what they are and are not capable. You say you have no worries of him around your kids/gc's and i actually can understand that you don't catagorise him with nasty peados and as far as I could tell the images u saw that he got in trouble for were a relief to you and not as bad as you expected (to be fair a lot of people aren't aware of what those girls go through so don't feel bad for that.) I remember finding out my teacher had been arrested and charged with a number of child porn offences and i couldn't catagorise him with the peados of this world because he wasn't just a man in a newspaper to me he was a nice man who was always kind and had never been unapproiate with any of us he taught-i'm not saying what he did is ok but I am saying I can't call him evil because I can't seriously say I think he'd harm anyone pysically and although it's sick and wrong to look at that stuff I get why you feel sorry for him and can't believe it of him. I do however think you have no grounds to feel guilty for telling him to leave, he has betrayed you still and let you down and I think he poss needs help if he still has the images (i know u don't think he has an interest in them and hopefully you are right.) You will feel much better when he leaves and you can start a fresh with no worries or guilt over crimes you are not responsible for. Y should you suffer for his crimes? I hope your ok anyway. Stay strong. xx

you do realise that once the stick is plugged in that you have to press a few buttons to download it fro the stick onto the puter - for the tech guy at the work to get suspicious and phone the police the second time.

he didn't make a mistake darling, it was intentional.

who comes first?

you or your children

thats what it comes down to and dont forget it

if he stays you are sacrificing your children and grandchildren

becuase it might be a friend staying over, it might be what the grandchildren call grandad in a few years time - doing stuff they don't quite know - but doesn't feel right.

and then will your chilren love and support you?

i wouldnt

OK OK, I get the message, Im a complete idiot for leaving it so long to come to the realisation, but its all so easy for you all to tell me what to do and another thing to actually do it if you were me. I am so so glad I eventually spoke on here because it really has opened my eyes to alot of things and some of you may think Im stupid, naive and implausible but Im just an ordinary person who has had to deal with something so huge and alien to me, so if I didnt handle it correctly in the first place, if I didnt do what you would have done, then Im sorry, I didnt know any better at the time. But I do now and he is going out of my life once and for all and I will be a better person for that afterwards.

Just sending support. It must be horrible for you. But you are doing the right thing.

He had the memory stick in his pocket when questioned by the police? Really, they didn't check?

He works in IT, he understands the risks.

I am open mouthed at his audacity and blatent fabrication that you seem to have accepted.

As a previous poster put...Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

There are none so blind as those who do not wish to see.

I wish you every strength to continue what you have started, getting him out of your life for the sake of your children/grandchildren and yourself.

What custy said.

Be strong, you are doing the right thing by having him out of your life.

Atterual, I agree with all the advice you've been given here.

You've admitted you've been very naive. The first time he was caught should have been the wake-up call you needed. Unfortunately you kept giving him the wrong signals by taking him back. He saw this as the green light to continue with his sick perversions.

But don't beat yourself up too much about being taken in by him in the first place. Paedos & sickos who access child porn don't wear a sign on the forehead warning you of their sickening secret. They are normal looking individuals, and as another poster said, they are teachers, neighbours, work colleagues, brothers, husbands

These people also deliberately seek out people who are willing to look the other way or who are a bit naive. They can then emerse themselves into normal society, giving them the cloak of respectability, and in this case, that cloak was his marriage to you.

I'm not saying you were willing to look the other way, but he could easily pull the wool over your eyes, and he saw that in you, believe me.

You're mistake was believing his lies after he was caught the first time and letting it continue for 2 years.

But you know different now. The facts are staring you in the face. Please don't make any more excuses for this man.

Better to do it now rather than wait another two years and put your lovely family at risk.

I understand what you are saying about it being huge and alien. Sometimes it is easier to stick your head in the sand. But your head is up now, and that is what counts. I dont think you are stupid and implausible. A little naive maybe, in that you think the best about people, and that is a quality that is mostly valued. It is when something alien and huge happens that it might not be such a positive thing to be.

Yes, I agree you should have posted sooner. There are a lot of people on here who for various reasons have knowledge about these things. Some through personal experience sadly, and others in professional capacity.

Good Luck. You WILL feel better soon.

Atterual - sometimes it is through writing these things down so that others can point out to you the huge holes in the excuses - sometimes it is only this that can show you what is really happening. Don't feel victimised or flamed by some of the posters - they can help you see through the lies that you want to believe.

Hope things are better now he's gone.

thanks sparkybabe Im not feeling victimised just annoyed with myself for not seeing through him and somewhat surprised at the courseness of some of the responses. But then again if I had thought this through enough, maybe I wouldnt have been surprised at all. I know now that I ve been incredibly soft and forgiving and should have done the right thing from the word go. But i cant change that, all i can do is change things now and thats what Im doing.

There is something I don't understand: he got sacked for downloading porn ((and child porn) onto his work computer. Porn is a sacking offence in itself, even without the child porn. So he got another job and he tried to do the same again??

Even if the child stuff was an accident, how plausible is that anyone would be stupid enough to download any porn onto his new work computer?? If true then the only reason can be that is obsessed and the question is whether its with child or adult stuff.

Atterual, I've been there too. Well, not exactly, but I had my wakeupandsmellthecoffee moment because of a thread I started on a forum.

The replies shocked me, and weren't 100% true imo, because the posters were dealing only with the facts (!) and I had to factor in fear of the own, my own feelings of inadequacy, fear of the future, wanting to avoid an almighty showdown etc etc etc...

But the posters were right, the ONLY thing to factor in to the decision is the facts.

Hope that makes sense.

GL
It took me a while to process everything in my mind, but the scales DID fall from my eyes and I was galvanised into finally making the split.

fear of the UNknown I meant.