My Husband is on the Sex Offenders Register

[atterual]

God where do I start? Im in a terrible situation. I had noly known my husband a short while (a matter of months) when he rang me from work to say he was coming home with the Police. He had apparently been accessing adult porn on his computer at work and the IT dept had spotted it and when they looked into it, he had been downloading porn and with the downloads came some child porn. So I was obviously horrified, police took away our computers, cameras, phones etc. To cut a long story a little shorter, he was eventually only given a caution and put on the Sex offenders register for 2 years due to the fact that they had only found so few images (78) and that the images were of very low risk. Call me stupid, but after eveything had dieddown and I relaised what had downloaded had not been his fault it had come down with legitimate adult porn, I eventually agreed to marry him. He lost his job obviously and got another one. Within 5 months of us getting married the police turned up again, the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job. This crap in my life has been going on for two years. He was finally taken to court for this second thing and fined and put on the register another 5 years. I have asked him to leave and he went and got a bedsit during the time we were waiting to hear if he was going to court. For some stupid reason I then said he could come back and we would try to put things behind us and move on, but I just cant. I need him to leave again, I cant live with what he may or may not have done. I dont think hes a bad person, I dont believe he wanted to acccess child porn, he certainly never paid for anything, not even adult stuff, but the seed of doubt is in my mind now and I dont trust him and I certainly dont love him and can no longer have any sexual realtionship with him. Im just so weak and frightened of asing him to leave again. please help me.

I only read the last post but it seems that apart from him looking at porn you don't love him anyway. He sounds a bit stupid too . You would have thought the first scare might have stopped him accessing any site that might be illegal. What was on the memory stick?

Also you never get any compassion from women on these types of threads. May be he needs some kind of help.

Child porn is not readily available on the internet. It is illegal. NO site would risk having childporn, they would be shut down instantly and dealt with by the police.

He has to have deliberately gone out seeking childporn through "unusual" channels, usually through a network of likeminded people, usually other peadophiles.

Most servers today run really advanced image analyzing software, and some companies even have real people screening pictures that enter their servers through downloads or mailattachments.

Most likely your dh would have received that memory stick in the post, and been so keen to see the content he stupidly accessed it from his work computer.

No it department can see what is on memory sticks, the contents of the memory stick needs to be uploaded to the company's server, which most likely runs "image trap" software. Your dh has deliberately done this. Otherwise he would not have been caught. It must have been pretty serious stuff for the it department to contact the police.

You have been lied to. He most likely know a lot of people you dont know, that he is in contact with some way or the other.

Bollocks to him not being interested in kids. Being too old for a woman with her own young children, he is now with a woman with grandchildren and more coming.

It is not a risk you want to take.

This man is a serial child sex offender.
GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE!

"You never get any compassion from women on these types of threads".

Xenia sometimes you seem quite mental. The OP is getting nothing but compassion. It is just being pointed out to her that it is not possible to accidently download, and retain 78 images of child pornography. That's child pornography, Xenia, you know, 5 year olds being raped and stuff.

How much compassion do you think the OP's husband deserves, exactly?

Perhaps he does need treatment but she's not his carer, she's his wife. He's lied to her about this, twice, and she doesn't want to be with him anymore. It's not her job to save him.

Xenia, reading this thread I think that posters on here have been entirely compassionate to the OP, very caring and hoping she is ok. It's not her fault that this has happened. Of course no sex offender deserves any compassion and what else would you expect on a Mums website or just from any sane person generally

QS - agree wholeheartedly

Atterual - how are you today?

QS is right, you really can't just "stumble" across child porn. From what I know of it (from a police officer friend who deals with sex offenders) you need to either pay for it, or upload some yourself and swap it. Generally, people can't access it in the way your husband claims.

Get out of there.

chequersandchess - scary thought, that he might have had to trade some of his own to get some more

You've had two years of this - you really do not need another two or him having any more of your time.

You are only responsible for your own self ultiamtely - not him. So what if he cannot stay with his own family, that's nto your problem.

The reason why the counsellor wanted to know about your relationship with your own mother is that we learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents. What did your parents teach you about relationships - you need to think about that. Your Mother for all I know could have been married to a man who though was nice to all outsiders was actually a master manipulator and bully to all in his home; such patterns can be repeated in adulthood if this is what you saw in childhood.

You are certainly being manipulated now by this individual whom you perhaps only married out of not wanting to be alone. This man also targeted you I think because you are at heart both kind and dare I say naive. He could manipulate these qualities for his own ends and he has done so now you're with someone who is on the sex offenders register.
You write that you had only known your husband a matter of months before this all happened - my guess is that you do not know him at all and never will.

You have also acted as his enabler by you paying off his debt. He's quite happy to drag you down with him and cares not a jot for you. This also makes me think you were actively targeted by him.

You also write he was "only" given a caution initially. Do you actually know what a caution is - I guess you do not. Receiving a police caution is a very serious matter. The police also don't caution people on a whim.

I think you should speak to the police who dealt with his cases . I am sure they can tell you once and for all whether or not his memory stick would have been given back complete with images. They could also give you advice about the threat he poses to your children/ grandchildren.

Some people have said they think her H is "stupid" because he risked getting caught a second time, but if he is not stupid, this is even more serious, because it means that he was fully aware of the risks but couldn't stop himself doing it anyway, it is a compulsion for him, which makes him dangerous. He needs professional help and whoever helps him will need to have some compassion for him, I do think that it is a form of mental illness, but it isn't his wife's job to help him and she shouldn't have to, it is much too much.

It is sad that people (not on here, but in general) seem to think using child porn is a much lesser offence than abusing children because the 'demand' for child porn causes children to be abused in order to produce the photographs. This needs to be stressed much more by the media and everybody.

Also I really believe that looking at abusive porn, especially on the internet, intensifies people's fantasies about it and feeds their compulsion to act on it.

Speak to the police, they should be open about this. But anyway you have decided about getting him out of your life. Men like this have a dark side and are experts at appearing normal to everyone around them. Don't feel sorry for him. I wouldn't feel sorry for any man who even looked at one picture of child porn. Get rid. You've done your best and are not responsible for any of this, apart from your own gut feeling and safety of your loved ones.

Quint is talking sense.

atterual - just read this thread - are you ok? Has he left? Well done for getting the courage to ask him to leave again. Please let this be the last time. I'm sure that everybody on this thread thinks the same. If it was me I would be filing for a divorce now and seeking repayment of the "loan".

Keep your chin up, you are better than him, and deserve far better for yourself and your family.

Atterual - I hope you are OK today.

I would not be surprised if the police has released your husband, yet keeping him under surveillance in case he will lead them to some bigger fish, or to build up a proper case against him.

Do you really want yourself and your home part in this? By standing by this man, you may be seen to endorse childpornography, and for all you know, you may be implicated in this. What will your family say then? Can't be naive in this, and you cant keep your head buried in the sand, the consequences to yourself can be serious.

Look at the Fritzl case, do people really think his wife knew nothing about the victims in his basement? No, they dont. In most such cases, the wives go down with their husbands, when a case is brought against him. UNLESS the man has been kicked out by the wife when it transpires he is in fact a sex offender.

Please, for your safety, for your family. Kick him out.

"Of course no sex offender deserves any compassion".
I fundamentally disagree with that. Many people are compelled to do things they wish they did not, whether that's drink alcohol, take drugs, engage in sex, even post on line and certainly eat to excess and be interested in various forms of sex which may or may not be lawful. I don't think those people are 100% responsible for what they do and if she truly loves him then together they can work out ways to ensure he avoids breaking the law. But I am presumably in a minority of 1.

I'm another one who thinks that the porn matters less than the £10k he's leeched off you and his other behaviour. It is just possible that the 'child porn' was that kind of borderline 'teen angel' stuff that features 18/19 year olds with their hair in bunches, which could have been downloaded along with other more mainstream images (ie it's distasteful but not his preference and no indication of harmful interests) - but the second incident with the memory stick would concern me more. IE a bloke can get accused of being a child-porn fan once wrongly (Operation ORe springs to mind) but being caught twice at work sounds dodgy.

You don't need him. His sad face is his problem. Good luck in getting rid.

A very brave post actingnormal not sure what I would do in those circumstances.

Hi, its sunday afternoon, hes gone to his mothers this afternoon to see how much storage space she can spare him!! Hes been to see a flat and will take it I hope tomorrow when he has got a reference fom his employer for salary etc. He has been in the loft and got down his suitcases and other stuff and to say this weekend has been hard is an understatement. We havnt spoken properly since Friday, just the odd "do you want a cup of tea" is the most we can manage. Its very awkward and just precisely what I didnt want cos the last time ~I asked him to go i ended up feeling like this.... feeling like the bad guy, as if Im in the wrong for asking him to go. A couple of times today Ive had to give myself a talking to and remind myself there were 78 images!! AND I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Good on you. You ARE doing the right thing. Stay strong. You will come out the other side of this, feet on the ground, head held high. It WILL get better. I am glad for you.

It is really intersting that you don't seem to feel a very deep revulsion towards him as yet; and have to 'remind yourself' and 'give yourself a talking to', rather than feel anger and repulsion instinctively.

This would indicate that your bond to him is very enduring and overwhelming, and at the heart of it you are so terrified of being alone, you are still unconvinced that he is NOT a GOOD MAN.

Obviously I am not glad about your predicament. I am glad you are doing the right thing in the midst of all this.

YOu are indeed doing the right thing! A weight will lift off your shoulders when he has gone, just wait & see. Be strong.