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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Husband is on the Sex Offenders Register

184 replies

atterual · 31/10/2008 13:33

God where do I start? Im in a terrible situation. I had noly known my husband a short while (a matter of months) when he rang me from work to say he was coming home with the Police. He had apparently been accessing adult porn on his computer at work and the IT dept had spotted it and when they looked into it, he had been downloading porn and with the downloads came some child porn. So I was obviously horrified, police took away our computers, cameras, phones etc. To cut a long story a little shorter, he was eventually only given a caution and put on the Sex offenders register for 2 years due to the fact that they had only found so few images (78) and that the images were of very low risk. Call me stupid, but after eveything had dieddown and I relaised what had downloaded had not been his fault it had come down with legitimate adult porn, I eventually agreed to marry him. He lost his job obviously and got another one. Within 5 months of us getting married the police turned up again, the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job. This crap in my life has been going on for two years. He was finally taken to court for this second thing and fined and put on the register another 5 years. I have asked him to leave and he went and got a bedsit during the time we were waiting to hear if he was going to court. For some stupid reason I then said he could come back and we would try to put things behind us and move on, but I just cant. I need him to leave again, I cant live with what he may or may not have done. I dont think hes a bad person, I dont believe he wanted to acccess child porn, he certainly never paid for anything, not even adult stuff, but the seed of doubt is in my mind now and I dont trust him and I certainly dont love him and can no longer have any sexual realtionship with him. Im just so weak and frightened of asing him to leave again. please help me.

OP posts:
beaniescreamyb · 31/10/2008 14:15

I agree with HumphreyCushion. Just putting his memory stick into the computer wouldn't mean what was on there was automatically uploaded and IT would have to actively search is memory stick as far as I am aware.

what kind of job is it? Did he have to reveal that he was on the Sex Offenders register or had a criminal record?

atterual · 31/10/2008 14:16

I dont know where to get the strength from. I wont have a problem saying he has to go, but seeing it through without backing down will be the problem, I feel so sorry for him. He doesnt want to stay with his family and it takes so long to get a bedsit he could be in the hosue for another 3 weeks even if I ask him to go today. Ic ant stand another 3 weeks of his sad face. Is that pathetic?

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missjennipenni · 31/10/2008 14:16

But will you be happier on your own? Will you feel more relaxed without him there? Will you be happy to let your grandchildren play/stay over? As i am guessing that you cannot babysit or have them stay over with your DH in the house?

Blu · 31/10/2008 14:18

att - honestly and truly - you are not a failure if you finish this relationship. Strength and survival is about drawing on things that make you strong, that add something to you life - not clinging to something weak. You CAN have a normal hapy life - but every day with this man is a barrier to that.

I have had a relationship with someone who was very self-destructive and draining on the people in his life. It DID involve criminal activity and was v disfunctional. He ran up bills on my credit cards...I put many years into trying to save what we had that was good, trying to 'save' him, looking after him, I felt sorry fo him and his hard life....all a total waste of time. In the end things got so bad and threatened my life in an important way, I ended all contact, I was OK and ended up with a much much happier life. It will be OK, honestly.

atterual · 31/10/2008 14:18

I will be at peace more if hes not around, I would have to make myself happier wouldnt I?

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titfortwat · 31/10/2008 14:19

atterual you need to start putting yourself first now.

The life he has is what he has chosen -one way or another. You can't be a parent to him.

You will find someone who will love you as your deserve. You sound like a lovely caring person, so why wouldn't you find love.

atterual · 31/10/2008 14:20

he didnt have to reveal his criminal record to get the second job.
Blu - i too have been very ill since all this started. I got a very bad chest infection and ended up being rushed to hopsital and have now got Asthma becasue of it and am smoking like a trooper!!

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Blu · 31/10/2008 14:20

He doesn't WANT to stay with his family? SO WHAT. Not your problem! Look, you said your family would support you whatever you wnat to do - tell them you need support with this.

his sad face? Well, he'll make sure you see plenty of that.
Please, Att, see that you are being manipulated.

missjennipenni · 31/10/2008 14:20

Its not your problem, you do not have to put up with his "sad face", he has to leave your home and its his problem after that. Plenty of other men & women have to do it, sometimes whith children in tow!

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/10/2008 14:21

These stories end in tears I know from experience.
You are kidding yourself if you think he would never hurt your DC or GC, how many Mothers have said that in abusive circumstances? You are meant to be protecting them, how could you contemplate not telling your Sons' GF? Please don't be his accomplice, stop making excuses for him. He viewed sexual images of children that is the bottom line, there is no mistake or conspiracy. for your DC.

NotDoingTheHousework · 31/10/2008 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

missjennipenni · 31/10/2008 14:22

Honestly, do you want a life where you cant look after your own grandchildren? or have them stay over?

Liffey · 31/10/2008 14:22

Atterual, 2 yrs ago I posted a "should I leave or stay with this man?" kind of post.

And I think I half expected everybody to say, no, you must stay, work it out, etc.

It WAS a shock. I also wished I hadn't posted. But it was a wake-up call.

You couldn't possibly be happier staying with this man.

Liffey · 31/10/2008 14:24

I mean it was a shock because everybody saw it from the outside and obviously told me to leave, and quickly.

You don't even have to leave. You just need to get him to leave.

OK, big drama and emotional scenes but do it. Finish with him. Don't stay with him cos it's easier than breaking up.

atterual · 31/10/2008 14:25

thank you all so very much for your contributions. Hopefully, after the weekend I can report back to you that I have been a really strong person and finally got rid!! I sure hope i can. Again, thanks very much, sorry to have bothered you all.

OP posts:
Blu · 31/10/2008 14:26

Lots of x-posting

Att, I'm not surprised you have been so ill, this is a very draining sitution for you.

The problem is that that is exactly how these relationships drag you into a cycle of increasing weakness. The very things he has done to make you want to leave him are the very things that have stripped you of the self confidence to actually leave him!

In truth, if he had any pride he would leave the house of a woman who said she did not want to be with him. He says he has to stay while he finds a bedsit in order to linger around making you feel sorry for him.

Att - he has embroiled you into an emotionally abusive relationship - it's a subtle thing, maybe not even conscious on his part, but it's what it is.

missjennipenni · 31/10/2008 14:27

Att, hoping to hear a positive update from you next week! You CAN do it.

Liffey · 31/10/2008 14:27

being single is only shite when you're broke or worried about the ol' biological clock.. You are a woman of means and you will get MORE out of life as a single person. Not less.

Good luck.

Blu · 31/10/2008 14:27

Att - you will get loads of help from MN to get through this - lots of MN-ers have done this, and know how hard it can be. Keep posting.

titfortwat · 31/10/2008 14:28

You haven't bothered us xxx It's good to talk and i have had lots of support on here to help me cope with a situation in my life.

Wishing you the strength to go through with it.

ActingNormal · 31/10/2008 14:30

Can you really take the risk of letting him near your children/grandchildren/DS's girlfriend? Can you guarantee they will never be alone in a room with him? Can you guarantee he would never do anything inappropriate? If it was somebody else's DH in the same situation would you let children from your family near him? Protecting the children is the most important thing. You and your DH losing each other is of much lesser importance than protecting the children. You must make sure you believe 100% that it was an accident and that he is no threat if you are going to stay with him.

Were the images obviously of children or could he have thought they were over 16? Were the titles of the downloads obviously about child porn or could someone interested in adult porn have clicked on them?

atterual · 31/10/2008 14:31

Thanks everyone, Its been good to hear a complete outsiders take on it all.

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Saturn74 · 31/10/2008 14:32

atterual - good luck with your decision, and keep posting.

myredcardigan · 31/10/2008 14:33

I think the child porn thing is clouding the issue. He has betrayed your trust, allowed you to pay his debts and lost two jobs by acting like a teenager. He has been utterly irresponsible and you do not need someone like that in your life.

Easy for me to say I'm sure but please don't stay with a man you neither love nor trust just because you feel you should make a go of your marriage. You sound like you have two lovely sons and I'm sure they will support you through this.

atterual · 31/10/2008 14:34

Acting Normal, no disrespect, but I dont want to go into any more ins and outs, I know what I need to do. And I would never ever put myself, my children or my grandchildren into a situation that I didnt have control over, so please do think that Ive been irresponsible, I certainly havent.

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