My Husband is on the Sex Offenders Register

[atterual]

God where do I start? Im in a terrible situation. I had noly known my husband a short while (a matter of months) when he rang me from work to say he was coming home with the Police. He had apparently been accessing adult porn on his computer at work and the IT dept had spotted it and when they looked into it, he had been downloading porn and with the downloads came some child porn. So I was obviously horrified, police took away our computers, cameras, phones etc. To cut a long story a little shorter, he was eventually only given a caution and put on the Sex offenders register for 2 years due to the fact that they had only found so few images (78) and that the images were of very low risk. Call me stupid, but after eveything had dieddown and I relaised what had downloaded had not been his fault it had come down with legitimate adult porn, I eventually agreed to marry him. He lost his job obviously and got another one. Within 5 months of us getting married the police turned up again, the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job. This crap in my life has been going on for two years. He was finally taken to court for this second thing and fined and put on the register another 5 years. I have asked him to leave and he went and got a bedsit during the time we were waiting to hear if he was going to court. For some stupid reason I then said he could come back and we would try to put things behind us and move on, but I just cant. I need him to leave again, I cant live with what he may or may not have done. I dont think hes a bad person, I dont believe he wanted to acccess child porn, he certainly never paid for anything, not even adult stuff, but the seed of doubt is in my mind now and I dont trust him and I certainly dont love him and can no longer have any sexual realtionship with him. Im just so weak and frightened of asing him to leave again. please help me.

If you own the house put his stuff on the doorstep and get the locks changed (actually do it the other way round) while he is out. If he kicks off call the police - he is a known sex offender, they aren't going to ignore it as a "domestic".

Good point tit (sorry, but i lolled when i typed that!)

How does your 25 year old DS think about it? is he happy bringing his children over?

My husband and I frequently download stuff ( yes including adult porn ) and it's NEVER "come down with" child pornography. He is lying.

78 images is not an accident.

I sincerely hope you cut off all contact with this vile man and get on with your life happily.

Well, whatever the absolute grade of porn (if that's the right word) it's addicted enough that he has jeopardised his job TWICE, risked a police record when he already had 'form' and he's risked losing you.

You're a woman. You don't need this man. He might need you right now, but I think you should run for the hills, and enjoy your fifties without him. Enjoy your grandchildren without any dark thoughts at the back of your mind. Be relaxed around your son and his girlfriend.

If you stay with him there won't be many laughs I'm guessing.

Sorry I meant £10k. My children will go along with whatever I do. All my family is very suportive of me and will back me up with any decisions I make. Im very lucky and thankful in that respect. I suppose I knew I was going to get the reaction I have from all of you. Ive spent the last god knows how long trying to find someone or something to help me to do this, but have realised now it has to be me who makes this decision and me who has to go through with it. No one else can help me can they.

atterual can i just say that it only downloads on limewire if you click it to download, and if you accidently click that thing to download you can then cancel it before it finished downloading, and then you have to convert the file to play on your pc, so there are several steps to go through which gives you the chance to see you have downloaded the wrong thing, and actually downloading most things from limewire is illegal which is why it was shut down. how can he clicked something by accident 78 times!!
please dont let your gc and and sons gf near him

He HAS to go.

You cannot possibly allow your son's gf into the hous without her parents knowing that he is on the sex offenders register, nor can you allow him any contact with your grandchildren. How on earth do you think your son will feel when he realises that you would continue to live with a man who cannot have any access to your grandchildren? You wil cause a huge rift with your own children.

You don't NEED affection or a relationship with anyone badly enough to have this man leeching off you. Perhaps that is why the counsellor focussed on your relationship with your mother.
He has ripped you off ofr £10k, wil pesumably find it hard to get a job with two child porn related sackings on his reference, you will be financially supporting him, and if the relationship separates you fom your sons and other fmaily members then you will be more and more isolated and wrapped up in him!

Get rid, fast and firmly, and for ever.

He is no threat to my children or any of their friends etc while im around and I would never leave my children with him anyway,hes not their father. I dont distrust him in that respect, I know he is not interested in children, its just what hes done that hurts me, what hes put me through due to his stupidity. Witchworley - with the greatest respect the police found that he had deleted the images and virtually all of them had not been opened.

I wish I hadnt started this.

I think you are being a bit naive if you think he has no interest in children, sorry!

So, what does your DS think about it? Is he honestly happy about bringing his children round to your house? Or does he not know?

atterual, you sound like a kind, trusting person.
I think your husband is taking advantage of that.
You say you are frightened of asking him to leave - is there anyone who could help you with that?

All of my family know and believe it was accidental and trust him. This is my dilema. Is he really that bad, I dont know. All I know is that he has hurt me beyond belief.

What do you want people to say, Atterual? What help do you feel you need?

Ill ask again, in case you missed it. How do you think he will react if you ask him to leave?

For example, what sort of support do you think you need? Physical protection, someone just to help you stand your ground?

Im not frightened of him I know he wont hurt me or my family, or my home for that matter. Any one of my family would help me. I wrote a letter to him today askign him to leave and I went home at lunchtime purposely to leave ti on the table for him to find when he finished at lunchtime. It told him to pack a bag and go today before I get back from work. But I chickened out and didnt sent it.

Why do you think you chickened out? What exactly is it you are afraid of, if you dont think he would hurt you?

atterual - really, you are kidding yourself. You do not know this man, not really. You have no idea whether he is a threat to your family or not. Have you got someone who could be there with you? Change the locks and put his stuff on teh door step. If he is in any way decent he will realise that you have no choice and will go gracefully.

It's really hard letting go isn't it ? It's not us that have been in love with this man and known him for all this time.

Sorry missjennipenni. He will be very annoyed and mad with me. I just need someone who really really knows what they are talking about to tell me that its the right thing to do. This is my second marriage, my third long term realtionship and I thought it might be the last. All I ever wanted was for someone to love me and care for me and get the same in return, just a normal life thats all.

You've asked him to leave before; I'm sure you will be able to steal yourself up to do it again if you want to.
After everything that has happened, he must surely understand that you have gone as far as you can with your relationship.

Yes, he has hurt you beyond belief, and I can't imagine how painful that must be.

But honestly, from an outsiders position, it also sounds as if he has betryed you and does not have your best interests at heart. You sound kind and generous and trusting - what kind of man lets his wife pay off £10k of his debts and then jeopardises his chance of employment? As you say, arguing about the circumstances under which this downloading took place, WHY was he looking at porn in the office? And if the police say it wasn't clicked and downloaded, how did it come to be on a memory stick??

None of this matters, actually. What matters is that you have been terribly hurt, and as you say, you do not love him. Why would you want to continue living with a man you do not love, does not contribute financially, and looks at porn? Why would your family want you to continue living in such circumstances?

What do you think will give you the strength to let go?

I think thats it, titfortwat, its the letting go, having to go through the breakup and all that that entails. Being on my own again!

If you do not love him, and cant bear to have a physical relationship with him, what is there to keep you together? Are you worried about having "another" failed relationship? Are you worried that he may be truely innocent and feel sorry for falling out of love with him over it?