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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Husband is on the Sex Offenders Register

184 replies

atterual · 31/10/2008 13:33

God where do I start? Im in a terrible situation. I had noly known my husband a short while (a matter of months) when he rang me from work to say he was coming home with the Police. He had apparently been accessing adult porn on his computer at work and the IT dept had spotted it and when they looked into it, he had been downloading porn and with the downloads came some child porn. So I was obviously horrified, police took away our computers, cameras, phones etc. To cut a long story a little shorter, he was eventually only given a caution and put on the Sex offenders register for 2 years due to the fact that they had only found so few images (78) and that the images were of very low risk. Call me stupid, but after eveything had dieddown and I relaised what had downloaded had not been his fault it had come down with legitimate adult porn, I eventually agreed to marry him. He lost his job obviously and got another one. Within 5 months of us getting married the police turned up again, the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job. This crap in my life has been going on for two years. He was finally taken to court for this second thing and fined and put on the register another 5 years. I have asked him to leave and he went and got a bedsit during the time we were waiting to hear if he was going to court. For some stupid reason I then said he could come back and we would try to put things behind us and move on, but I just cant. I need him to leave again, I cant live with what he may or may not have done. I dont think hes a bad person, I dont believe he wanted to acccess child porn, he certainly never paid for anything, not even adult stuff, but the seed of doubt is in my mind now and I dont trust him and I certainly dont love him and can no longer have any sexual realtionship with him. Im just so weak and frightened of asing him to leave again. please help me.

OP posts:
Liffey · 31/10/2008 14:36

It was a bunch of random internet sprites who pierced my forcefield of denial and made me face up to the fact that my x was a bully. Tehy then gave me the courage to believe I could leave. I had felt paralysed to DO anything, even though I knew it was all wrong.

So when I type these messages saying 'leave' or 'get rid of him' I knwo how easy it is to type it but how hard it is to do it.

ps I am happier single. single gets bad press! it aint so bad!

Sycamoretree · 31/10/2008 14:40

I think everyone on this thread is being very swift to judge. We can't know how much is idiocy on his part, and how much his is guilty. Clearly the OP is of this frame of mind, and it has shook her marriage to a point where she can't go on with it - guilty or not. That's the key point here - if she can't have a sexual relationship with him, and if all trust is now hanging in the balance, she has no choice really but to move on.

Atterual - I really feel for you, but nothing will hurt as bad going forward as living in this limbo of a relationship for the rest of your life, never knowing, feeling tarnished.

You do sound like you need to make a clear break. Do it. Sometimes the best things come out of our hands being forced - the amazing thing about life is that you never know what joy can be waiting for you round the corner if you'd only take those few steps.

Good luck.

JumpingDizzy · 31/10/2008 14:41

atterul my exdh is a criminal defence lawyer and child sex offenders mainly seem normal.

You do seem very gullible but we've all been guilty of that. Go with your gut. I'd advise changing your locks too and putting his things on the step.
I recently ended a relationship where the guy made me feel pity for him. He ended up stalking me and I had to get a restraining order to keep him (hopefully) away.
Don't fall into the pity trap. Do what's right for you and your family.

Sycamoretree · 31/10/2008 14:42

Sorry, not EVERYONE, obviously. Typed in haste

atterual · 31/10/2008 14:55

thanks Sycamoretree youve hit the nail on the head. Ive appreciated everything everyone has said, judgemental or not, I knew I would get some of that, just by the pure nature of this thread, its a very difficult situation for anyone to be level headed about, it throws you into a rage, it has me. You just want to protect yourself and your families and I dont suppose anyone in my shoes would have rused to make any decisions. Sorry I think Im rambling a bit. Ive got so much I could say, so many feelings and emotions going on. How Ive carried on with a full time, very demanding job I shall never know.

OP posts:
atterual · 31/10/2008 14:57

In the middle of all of this my Eldest Son got married and their first child was born. Talk about emotional times!!!

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 31/10/2008 15:05

I cant believe that child porn came up 'by accident' along the adult without being looked for as it would have been flagged up before, surely.

I am sorry but I would not trust him. Ever.

Keywest · 31/10/2008 15:38

Please,please,please get rid. He will drag you down with him. He is on the sex offenders register and it will affect his life and everything he does and consequently you if you are with him. I presume the Police do home visits and check if he is in any contact with children???

I'm sorry and I know it's not what you wnat to hear but you can't 'accidently' download 78 images of child porn. Child porn is illegal. In order to access it you need to know the contacts/password etc to access it. Adult porn is obviously legal and even those ones who go on about 'young girls' are actually young looking 18 year olds. No legal adult site would download chidl porn (it would be the equivalent of someone selling cubic zirconia and throwing in a few free diamonds!!!)

With regards to the memory stick. He either deliberately secreted it during the first Police investigation as they would have confiscated it and charged him with further offences or it is new stuff he has downloaded since the first investigation.

You really need to think of yourself. He is not someone you should be feeling sorry for. He is a paedophile however unpalatable that thought maybe (remember Gary Glitter's first offence was purely downloading child porn but because of his high profile a lot more has come out since!).

What about his family?? What do you know about him???? You haven't mentioned them??? Does he claim to have no family?? Has he moved from elsewhere??

Please get him to go.

atterual · 31/10/2008 15:50

you sound like you know what you are talking about???

OP posts:
littlestrawberry · 31/10/2008 15:56

atterual aside from whether the child porn was downloaded accidentally or not he has shown extremely poor judgenment and either stupidity or an extreme degree of naivety accessing pornography at work not once but twice. It seems that he doesn't have your best interests at heart as the inevitable consequence of this as most would already know would be losing your job. You have paid his debts and are providing him with a roof over his head.

As you have said you know you need him to leave, I really hope you have the strength to go through with it.

TBH if I found out that my DH had accessed adult porn at work and put our livelihood in jeapardy by doing so I think that would be it for me. Add into that the fact that child porn was involved, can't write down what I would do to him TBH

The way I would look at it, once possibly could be construed as an accident if it is possible to download child porn inadvertently, but twice.....

Good luck

Keywest · 31/10/2008 16:03

Sadly I do and I also hear all the excuses they come up with.

I once had dealings with an 86 year old who had been indecently assaulting 5 & 6 year old girls (parents had been letting him babysit - he walked with a zimmer frame fgs!!). Anyway to give him his due he admitted it and got an 18 month prison sentance.

When it was all reported in the papers his family appeared out of the wood work. They had actually disowned him after a couple of incidents invovling young family members but not reported it to the Police. That's why I commented on what actually do you know about his background??

(By the way the 86 yr old appeared to be a 'lovely man' - extremely kind, polite and gentlemanly - everyone had felt sorry for him because he'd no family).

cocoleBOO · 31/10/2008 16:05

I agree with Keywest, I find it very hard to believe the child porn was accidental. You would need to hunt through the'net for it, it's illegal and therefore not readily available.

He is interested in children. He had 78 images of child sex abuse, he then had more.

This is an awful situation for you to be in, but he has to go. Your GC need to be protected.

Tell him to go, he doesn't deserve your pity, and tell him never to contact you again.

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

countingto10 · 31/10/2008 16:08

Something like this happened to a friend of mine - her husband was arrested, charged and found guilty of downloading child porn. The day he was arrested was the day she kicked him out - no ifs, buts, whys or wherefores !!! and she had 4 DC under 6!!!!!!

I don't think there is anything thing to decide and re the bedsit, I booked my ex into a B & B to get rid of him !!!!!

myredcardigan · 31/10/2008 16:14

Just asked DH, a solicitor who has said any memory sticks would be confiscated. A memory stick with illegal images would absolutely not be returned to someone who has been convicted of such an offense. So he either slipped it away or downloaded some more.

Good luck. Despite everything he has done I'm sure it cannot be easy to end your marriage

atterual · 31/10/2008 16:14

sorry I have to sign off now, hes just called me and ive told him to go and the shit has hit the fan, hes ranting and raving, so Im in for a nice weekend arent I. Will keep you all informed.

OP posts:
wessexghoul · 31/10/2008 16:16

Take care, atterual, I hope you have people around who can step in to help if needed, even if it's the police.

Keywest · 31/10/2008 16:23

Ring the Police or go to a solicitor and get an injunction to keep him away from you.

So sorry you're going through this.

BananaSkin · 31/10/2008 16:52

Well done Atterual. Just think of your children and grandchildren; if you can't do it for you, then do it for them.

You'll have no quality of life with this worrying you and you need to be confident all is well for them.

Be strong and take care.

BananaSkin · 31/10/2008 16:53

PS: Could your 25 year old son stay the week-end and show some unity with you so that you do not have to face this alone?

LobstersLass · 31/10/2008 18:06

Atterual, I'm not an IT expert so hopefully someone who is will be along shortly - this sentence alarms me...

"the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job"

As I understand it, if he merely plugged the memory stick into a work machine, the contents would not be flagged up to IT. He would either need to open the files or copy them onto the work network. I suspect that this is new material that he has accessed through a work computer and downloaded onto a memory-stick.

If I am wrong, and this can happen, then wtf was he doing with the old images and why hadn't the police taken the memory stick?

The excuse stinks.

JumpingDizzy · 31/10/2008 18:15

agree with lobsterlass.

Liffey · 31/10/2008 18:16

DOn't take too much shit from him, afterall you are entitled to end a relationship.

tazmosis · 31/10/2008 21:35

Apparently it is possible for files on an external media (such as a memory stick) to be scanned and accessed without opening them, there is software available that does this to identify if there are any threats on the memory stick etc. So it could be true that he just plugged the memory stick in but didn't actually open the specific files on his work computer. However, that doesn't explain why he had them in the first place...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/10/2008 21:35

Sorry - he was looking at child porn and it was intentional, and he is lying to you about how he got caught the second time. Images on his memory stick would not 'flag up' to the IT dept unless they actively looked in the memory stick - just putting it in the computer wouldn't flag anything. He must have been downloading new images - sorry.
Child abusers, paedophiles and simply 'second hand' child abusers like your H are very good at convincing their wives/partners that there is an innocent explanation for everything.

cory · 31/10/2008 21:43

Whatever you think about the rest, there can be no innocent reason that stuff was on his memory stick. Images don't accidentally download themselves, certainly not 78 of them. It takes a human agent. And there can't be any innocent reason why he would download it.

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