how important is it to feel "fancied" by dh and have good sex? (v long)

[mymittens]

As some of you know dh and i have had many problems over the years. We are trying to work things out but i'm wondering if we'd have a future anyway. I haven't felt he's fancied me for aboyt 4/5 years of the time we've been together( been together 7 years). Even when we were having sex regularly it was nearly always initiated by me ( he was usually willing) and the sex was unadventurous to say the least. I feel he is very prudish about sex. He's never been intersted in trying anything different - just me on top or him on top. He knows how i feel and says he does fancy me but i don't feel it. I'd love to feel like a woman ( i make lots of effort with my appearance, so it's not like i've let myself go since being with him at all) and not just a a person he sahares a house with. My previous partner fancied me incredibly and was very passionate and adventourous with sex. I left him for dh when i was on antidepressants which clouded my judgement terribley and also killed my sex drive - so at the time that side of things wasn't terribly important. it's only been in the last couple of years that i've been free of anti depressants and can see things clearly. I'm 99% sure i wouldn't have left my previous partner if i hadn't been on the ad.s However we now a a 2yo ds and the majority of the time dh is a great dad to him. Another problem is that because of all the horrific rows dh and i have had (and violence from both of us in the past) i almost don't feel it's right to have sex with him. If i cuddled him i always have have hand "curled up" - i can't lay my hand falt and open on him - sounds silly, i know. I can't bring myself to say i love him and i'm not sure if i do (he knows this). I'm wondering it its worth trying to save my marriage and what's best for ds?

There's a lot going on here and some deep rooted issues - the suicide thing sounds very strange.

What comes across in your posts is that you both seem quite disengaged from eachother at the heart of your relationship.

When you list your dh's good points, it reads like a list of what he is enabling you to do, rather than genuine qualities about him IYSWIM. eg he works hard so you don't have to, he provides a nice house, you get to see friends for coffee midweek etc. Now, my first impression is that these aren't the qualities of a husband. They are actually things that you could provide for yourself. Or at least they are part of a bigger picture - you have simply reeled off a list as though he's some provider, not your partner.

Do you actually love and like him? Imagine yourself into a situation where maybe he lost his job, he couldnt provide... would you stick with him? If not, it sounds as though you are locked into a way of life that you are reasonably comfortable with, but only because it's become what you're used to, not because you love him.

I agree with others that sex shouldnt be top of the agenda right now. You two need to start some honest communication about how you feel and what you want from eachother. Professional help can play a big part in that. But I would really put the sex issue on the back burner right now and look at how you can get the communication back.

there's been more nastiness this morning . He didn't sleep well last night ans siad to me as soon as i say him that morning "you'll be glad to know i didn't get much sleep". I've never said i was pleased he couldn't sleep so was upset. if i'd made such a comment ot him, he'd have been very angry. he asked for a hug befoe he left for work but i didn't want to so then he started rasing his voice (in front of ds). ds looked worried so i hugged him and h told me i was beinf 2 faced by comforting him I've got my counselling session tomorrow and i think i might arrange to see a solicitor - i can't go on like this

What if you make the first move to stop the sniping between you, so eg when he said "you'll be glad to know I got no sleep" you could say "you poor thing, why not?" and give him some love (even if you don't really feel it at the moment). You could just ignore his attempt to start an argument. He was probably thinking 'I don't feel she loves me anymore and I got no sleep and I bet she wouldn't care much and I feel sad'.

The more he feels that you DO love him, maybe the less he will try to start arguments which may be his subconscious way of finding a way to talk about his worries about you not loving him. A man is unlikely to let down his defences enough to actually say "I'm worried that you might not love me anymore".

I know you don't feel like making the first move to start being loving again and it feels unfair that you have to make a load of effort when he doesn't seem to be yet but it could be SO worth it! I really do think that if you want love you have to give it first. I don't think adult love can be unconditional like lots of people think it could be, this only happens between children and parents, but if it didn't you could still be looking for it and there is a danger of expecting much too much from men.

I agree with actingnormal. Maybe YOU can change this behaviour around. If he reaches out to you, embrace him. If he is nasty to you, juts be normal back to him, dont stoop to being nasty back.

Acting normal - That sounds like very good advice, i'll try to do that next time and see what happens. I know i shouldn't let his spiteful comments upset me but i also don't want to be a doormat and let him think he can say whatever he likes ot me. His dad is very rude to his mum sometimes and he often sounds like his dad when he;'s angry with me. His mums mainly just puts up with it. We have discussed the similarity between them before both between ourselves and at counselling. WEhilst we know where he learnt this behaviour, he doesn't seem willing or able to change it

Merkinfitrer - i just feel like i'd be becoming a doormat if i just let him be rude to me?

I'm not sure I'd blame the antidepressants for blunting your mood. People get put on antidepressants because they are depressed and depression makes you miserable. If things were that great with your ex you wouldn't have been going to your GP saying you were depressed and taking antidepressants. I suspect you have a rose tinted vision of your ex. You left him and married the current guy. Try and make the current relationship work. In my experience you can never go back to previous relationships because once you are in them again you remember why it didn't work before and you left.
Do you have any hobbies? You do seem to overly dwell on the minutiae of your relationships with men, and enjoy making dramatic scenes. Do you need other things to interest you, give you satisfaction in your life other than men? Do you enjoy your job?
You do come across as needing to get out more.

mymittens - it sounds as if you and your DH are very disconnected from each other at the moment. The lack of intimacy may be a symptom, but it will also be reinforcing that.
I can't help wondering if the way he reacted to his former girlfriend's suicide has had deeper-reaching consequences for him. It must be very disturbing to find someone dead in your home - presumably someone he loved - and then to act as if it never happened (the not telling anyone about her death - saying she had moved away, not trying to reach her family). It's almost like pretending the girlfriend never existed. Is it possible that he has never moved on from this experience and therefore has difficulty being intimate with you, as a result?
I think your marriage is probably entirely salvageable, but you might want to consider counselling. Is that something your husband would consider (even going on his own if not comfortable with you initially?)
I would also recommend that you drop contact with your former boyfriend. Grass always looks greener in these circumstances, and he will be clouding your thinking on this. Preserving your family has got to be preferable to resurrecting something that may not be as you remember it.

i was o ad's to control help my general anxiety and also my violent behaviour. The partially helped with that but also took away my "good" emotional side. I have plenty of things i do outside the house and people i see aprt from dh. I have suggested to dh many times that his girlfriend suicide may have have a deep effect on him but he says it;s nothing to do with now and doesn't wnat to discuss it. i will mention it to the counsellor tonight and see what she thinks. I Have been in contact with my ex all the time since we split up because despite us splitting up we still care what happens to the other. I don't see how i can ever trust dh after all that's happened. In our time togethere i dont' think theres' ever been a period of more than a few weeks without something horrible happening between us. my ex and i split up because he was proabbaly too young for me at the time *he's 4 years younger) and also because i was flattered by the attention dh was paying to me. I've hardly slept for the last few nights because my mind keeps trying to work out what to do. And also all this is far from helping with my recovery from my op. It finally seems to have sunk into dh's head that i may leave him

i left him a week ago and am now staying with xp (as friends). h knows wherei am and hardly reacted. he had ds llast weekend was polite to me when i dropped him off and collected him. i've seen my ounsellor a couple of times and she's pretty sure h has aspergers syndrome. i've suspected this for a while but it also means i know he can't change but also makes me feel guilty as he can't help how he bahaves. xp is being lovley to me and is grear with ds