how important is it to feel "fancied" by dh and have good sex? (v long)

[mymittens]

As some of you know dh and i have had many problems over the years. We are trying to work things out but i'm wondering if we'd have a future anyway. I haven't felt he's fancied me for aboyt 4/5 years of the time we've been together( been together 7 years). Even when we were having sex regularly it was nearly always initiated by me ( he was usually willing) and the sex was unadventurous to say the least. I feel he is very prudish about sex. He's never been intersted in trying anything different - just me on top or him on top. He knows how i feel and says he does fancy me but i don't feel it. I'd love to feel like a woman ( i make lots of effort with my appearance, so it's not like i've let myself go since being with him at all) and not just a a person he sahares a house with. My previous partner fancied me incredibly and was very passionate and adventourous with sex. I left him for dh when i was on antidepressants which clouded my judgement terribley and also killed my sex drive - so at the time that side of things wasn't terribly important. it's only been in the last couple of years that i've been free of anti depressants and can see things clearly. I'm 99% sure i wouldn't have left my previous partner if i hadn't been on the ad.s However we now a a 2yo ds and the majority of the time dh is a great dad to him. Another problem is that because of all the horrific rows dh and i have had (and violence from both of us in the past) i almost don't feel it's right to have sex with him. If i cuddled him i always have have hand "curled up" - i can't lay my hand falt and open on him - sounds silly, i know. I can't bring myself to say i love him and i'm not sure if i do (he knows this). I'm wondering it its worth trying to save my marriage and what's best for ds?

and or course hasn't shown he fancies me/iniated sex for nearly 5 years out of the 7 we've been together

From your list etc.. I think you've already made your mind up on this one. Deep down you're not happy, bored and thinking there's more to life than this. I almost get the feeling you are hoping people on this thread will convince you that splitting up is the best option. ( Please excuse me if I'm wrong on this )

I urge you to be careful. Although the grass always looks greener on the other side, when you get there you sometimes realise it isn't and by then you may have lost a great husband and hurt your DC in the process.

Try and spice things up between the two of you first before you give up. I feel he's got his guard up in fear of getting close to you and then being hurt. If you change the way you behave around him and get him to relax in your relationship then you may get some of those feelings back you had at the start.

thanks mystic. I'll arrange an appt with counsellor and see what she thinks too. I know the grass always seems greener too!! I suppose i'm sacred of changing how i am with him as i think then i'll get hurt too. eg when i made suggestive comment recently and he was more interested in the washing up!!

Another one in the same kind of boat. My DH only wants straight sex and nothing else and only once a week. My last DP couldn't get enough of me and I felt attractive which I no longer feel

mikafan - once a week seems very often to me!!!!! We've managed it twice this year!!

sad you don't feel attractive

It is scary to let your guard down and funnily enough I think you're both feeling the same way and this is why neither of you are getting anywhere

Are you an Aquarian by any chance ?

no not an aquarian

yes but once a week when your getting no pleasure is more like a chore. We've talked about it, he's promised to make more of an effort but things just go back to how they were pretty much straightaway.

There hadn't been any physical violence for many years. The about a year ago h was bing really nasty to be about the anti depressants (when he said i needed them to make me likeable and i'd fooled friends inot liking me) i was so upset i grabbed him and hit his face - he hit back (not hard but enough for it to be sore for a day or so).
In the year after we got married i often used ot hit him during arguments sand he'd sometime hit back. he's also throw furniture and break things. Once during a row my figures got shut in a door and 2 of them got broken. I also have a pain in my leg which may have been caused by him during a fow 5 years ago - not sure though.

from your other threads (sorry to back reference), I'm a little surprised to hear you say you have wanted more sex or initiated it. i got the impression you were very uncomfortable about your body and didn't want him near you? Is this something new? A new confidence you're feeling currently?

I did end up feeling uncomfortable naked in front of him - beacuse of how much he's hurt me in other ways i felt "exposed" naked in front of him.

But now you feel he doesn't desire you?

Your problems are deeper than this and you need to address all of them. Just because you suddenly feel like sex again, doesn't mean he's going to feel the same.

this sounds a deeply troubkled relationship

do you have any idea why you get angry

is your thinking clouded by the fact you are materially comfortable and loathe to give that up tho the relationship is an emotional nightmare

i get angry with him for the same reasons that many women get angry with their partners i think.I do find it hard ot let go of my anger when he annoys me but maybe that's beause i'm so unhappy with the realtionship anyway. it's true i am scared of what will happen if i leave but equally i'm scared of the future with things as they are at the moment No amount of counselling can taken away all the dreadful things that have bee said and done

i dont think people do get angry in all relationships

they definitely dont get violent in all relationships

I agree that most peope don't get violent. But most of my friends in rl get angry with their dh from time to time!

Mymittens, you had several long threads about how the whole world should revolve around your breast reduction surgery. It's no wonder your DH is not going to initiate sex after that: he will think that any move he makes will be greeted with you shreiking How dare you want sex, I've had an OPERATION and he will not hear the end of it for weeks.

YOur relationship with this man is very unhealthy, but I am not sure you will be able to have a healthy relationship until you lose the idea that it's your partner's job to pay you constant attention, pander to your every whim and take full responsibility for all your feelings.

"i get angry with him for the same reasons that many women get angry with their partners"

I dont get this - what do you mean? I dont get angry with my husband. What sort of things spark your anger?

i think if anger is a regular part of your relationship then it needs addressing

rather than assuming it is nnecessary

it is often very negative

I get the impression that the main thing you want and search for in your life, through relationships with men, is to feel wanted. When you have been with the same man for a while and he isn't 'all over you' any more (which happens in most relationships) you are easily distracted by another man making you feel wanted. Do you want these men for who they are or only because they make you feel wanted? When they stop making you feel wanted you start to see their faults. Have I got this right?

It sounds like you need therapy. Did your parents make you feel important and wanted? if they did not and you have unresolved issues it is very hard for you to truly love and appreciate another person. So this is not only hard for you but unfair on the man you are with.

Sorry to be so honest but you sound like very hard work. Having read your previous posts i think i'm on your hubbies side on this one. Do you think maybe he is staying with you as he doesn't want to lose your ds. Why else would he stay with someone who doesn't seem to likes him and has even physically abused him. If you were a man this would be considered completely outragous.

I have a very close friend who's ex dw sounds just like you she abused hit him during arguments for years. On the one occasion he hit her back she had him arrested and told all their mutual friends he had abused her. She regurlarly banged on at dinner parties about how shit he was in bed and then used to whine about how they never had sex. He was so scared of not seeing his dc that he put up with it all.
In the end he left her and she did some really awful things during their divorce such as make allegations about the children, In the end she dropped all of that got a very large divorce settlement off him and now lets the kids see him ever weekend as it suits her social life but this is nearly 8 years down the road.
I think you need to get some insight into how your behavior is effecting your relationship.