how important is it to feel "fancied" by dh and have good sex? (v long)

[mymittens]

As some of you know dh and i have had many problems over the years. We are trying to work things out but i'm wondering if we'd have a future anyway. I haven't felt he's fancied me for aboyt 4/5 years of the time we've been together( been together 7 years). Even when we were having sex regularly it was nearly always initiated by me ( he was usually willing) and the sex was unadventurous to say the least. I feel he is very prudish about sex. He's never been intersted in trying anything different - just me on top or him on top. He knows how i feel and says he does fancy me but i don't feel it. I'd love to feel like a woman ( i make lots of effort with my appearance, so it's not like i've let myself go since being with him at all) and not just a a person he sahares a house with. My previous partner fancied me incredibly and was very passionate and adventourous with sex. I left him for dh when i was on antidepressants which clouded my judgement terribley and also killed my sex drive - so at the time that side of things wasn't terribly important. it's only been in the last couple of years that i've been free of anti depressants and can see things clearly. I'm 99% sure i wouldn't have left my previous partner if i hadn't been on the ad.s However we now a a 2yo ds and the majority of the time dh is a great dad to him. Another problem is that because of all the horrific rows dh and i have had (and violence from both of us in the past) i almost don't feel it's right to have sex with him. If i cuddled him i always have have hand "curled up" - i can't lay my hand falt and open on him - sounds silly, i know. I can't bring myself to say i love him and i'm not sure if i do (he knows this). I'm wondering it its worth trying to save my marriage and what's best for ds?

I don't think anyone is saying it's all her fault dittany. I think they're just trying to get her to recognise that her actions are as important as his. She has said his 'violence' was a result of hers which is surely self defence. However I really don't think she's thinking about the root cause of her unhappiness which is nothing to do with her DH's behaviour over the death of his ex (however odd). She's trying to deflect attention away by focusing on it.

yes, i've thought he's might not be the right man for me. I know i need to sort that out. But i also know how much i miss him when we go through times of hardly speaking. I love seeing the way he plays with ds and listening to him to read to him at bedtime - it's beautiful. I'd feel terrible for taking that away from him. I know he could still see ds would it wouldn't be everyday.

The death of the girlfriend deos disturb me alot - well more to the point how he dealt with it by lying to her friends & not arranging a funeral.

He did take me to hospital when my figurees were injured but i refised ot talk ot him while we were there and so when we got home, he went straight out and left me on my own

Mymittens, you need a proper conversation with someone, a counsellor, RL friend or family whatever.

The way you keep bumping your own thread when only few minutes has passed since the last post is very telling.

I don't think MN is the place where you will get the help you need.

What do you mean by it being very telling?

Meaning (i imagine) you're not prepared to listen to people talking reason.

I did feel sorry for you in the begining as you sounded so mixed up but you can't seem to see your own role in all of this despite practically everyone telling you the same thing. Sorry, but I don't think I can contribute anymore.

i do see that i ahve played a huge role in how bad things have got and i know know that dh is defiantely all to blame at all. I just don't know which way to turn

go to youyr gp and ask for a referral for psychotherapy and cbt

you will have to wait but you have already spent a lifetime on this

that should have read dh not all to blame

Solidgoldbrass:

"you had several long threads about how the whole world should revolve around your breast reduction surgery."

LOL!!!

i've just made an appt for a counselling session next week

good luck mm

when I said it was telling when you kept bumping your own thread I meant you seem desperate to talk to someone

not Mumsnet where the "conversation" is very stilted as people post in their own homes and stuff like kids interupting, the phone ringing, dinners to cook or (bleugghh) a living to be made tend to kinda get in the way

you seem very impatient for other people to answer and validate what you are saying

a professional will give you the time you need

they got injured during a row 5 yars ago. he was in another room, i opend the door to the room he was in and the row continued, i must have had my finders on the door frame when he slammed the door. I'm sure he didn't know my fingers were there, as he was very shocked indeed when he saw they were injured. I have told him how i feel about he girlfriend and he very much regrets how he dealt with it and knows it was wrong. He siad he just couldn't handle it at the time and that's why he did what he did . We actually had a very nice evening tonight. he knows i've made an appt with the counsellor too

Your dad showed you love for a few years then witheld it. Your relationships last a few years before the honeymoon period ends and you feel they are witholding their love. Maybe there is a link.

You want your men to be more than they are able to be because what you really want is your dad but are now 'too old' for that father-daughter relationship that you missed out on. You are angry that you didn't have this and angry at the unfairness of it. You take it out on your men. You expect them to 'take it' and still love you, like a father is supposed to love his daughter unconditionally.

These are the things that come into my head when I read the thread. I could be wrong.

I really hope you can find the courage and strength to get on with getting yourself some therapy instead of procrastinating with more and more threads. I appreciate how scary it is to go to therapy so I can understand, and I think it will be really painful for a while to get to the root of things with a therapist before it gets better. It will be worth it though.

actingnormal - you could be right. I want dh to love me, be kind ang gentle whatever i do.

But can't you see that the poor man DOES love you! Many, many men in his situation would have walked! In fact, if HE was posting on here as a woman, I am sure he would have been advised to kick you out because what you do to him is basically emotional abuse. Loving someone does not mean you let them do whatever they want. Do you let you son do whatever he wants, without ever showing him any form of discipline? If you do, I dread to think what kind of adult he will grow into. I am sure that you show him the right way to behave and if he acted as a spoilt brat, you would want him to be the kind of person that others want to know instead of someone they want to avoid? Surely you love your son and want others to love him as well? Can you not see that your husband shows loves you in a similar way? You have to stop finding reasons to put him down all the time, because one day he will get so fed up with it that you will lose him. You say things on here that are calculated to present him in a really bad way ( he broke your fingers etc) and then admit that actually, it was an accident. You want him to be loving and kind to you 100% of the time and yet you don't show him the same respect! The whole world does not revolve around you. Just once, think about how hard and unhappy you are making his life. The issue about the girlfriend is actually irrelevant here, you knew about it before and I believe you are only mentioning it now to make him look bad. It is not for any of us to tell him how he should have acted at the time. It must ahve been a terrible shock for him to find her like that and who knows what effect that would have on him.Yes, it sounds odd, but people do odd things at a time of terrible trauma and that must have been such a time for him.
As for you going to see a counsellor, you already said this in your previous thread. Did you actually go then or did you just say you were going to make yourself look good? I know this may all sound very harsh to you, but you really must sort this out, one way or another, or I really can see the
decisions being taken away from you because I think your poor, poor husband must be almost at breaking point. It is very difficult to live with someone who is clinically depressed, our family is experiencing that at the moment, and because of that I can totally understand why he gets cross with you at times. You are not the only person suffering through this, he is as well because not only does he have to see the woman he loves go through all of this, but he has to take whatever shit abuse you throw at him.

I said i was going to see the counsellor before my op and i did. I'm seeing her again next week. yes i do discpline my son when he does things wrong.I'm not only mentioning his girlfriend to make him look bad - i really do find it very disturbing that he dealt with it like that.

Mittens, it sounds a bit like you are unsure of what is normal in a relationship and what isn't and what/how much you should expect from a man. It sounds like you want to find reassurance that you are with the best man you could be with.

I really agree with SayItHowItIs that your DH has PROVED he loves you by staying with you through so much difficulty. This is worth a lot. He may not be perfect but you must not worry about this and must not expect perfection, it doesn't exist! You know that you yourself are not perfect but you expect him to still love you. If he can forgive you your imperfections and stay with you then can you do the same for him? About his ex girlfriend etc - just let go of these things! Imagine the relief of just letting it go and starting again! You have both made mistakes, people do! Now start again and do it better.

Someone said to me a while back on another thread (I namechanged) that I should think about what my DH wants from me and give him those things and show him love and respect and that if I did this he would start to reflect it back and show me more love and respect. Nagging and criticising him won't make him love you will it? Anyway I followed the MNer's advice and it is really working! You might feel too bitter to start doing this but it really is worth it.

If you left DH and got with someone else do you think the same thing would happen again after a while? I do. So I think it is worth nuturing the relationship you have got.

acting normal - i think you're right about wanting reassurance i'm with the best man i could be. Also about not being sure of what is normal. As soon as i hear about something nice someone else dh has done, i want it too. It would be a relief to let go and start again

we managed to get on for the last few days until today. I woke up having had bad dreams about him (his shouting, etc). andi told him. Then we agreed on friday that we'd go out for breakfast today but from what he was saying it appeared he hadn't. I got a bit upset about it as i'd been looking forward to it. He siad we could go for luch instead anf then got really strpply about having to keep to plans in the diary etc. Planning the weekend is something he said he wanted us to do a few weeks ago. I tried to let it blow over by not responding to anymore of his imfammatory comments. We did go outint he end and it was ok. Whe we got back i said i need to go to bed for a while (as still felling very sore and tired from op). Later he came up to see how i was and i said i still felt bad and on the way out of the room he said "i hope all this (meaning me being in bed) isn't about this morning. I todl him that it wasn't and it was due to having had a very hard week with ds, feeling tired and sore , etc and he got stroppy again and asked why i didnt; say all this before. I only said yesterday how stressed i was feeling! I'm really wondering if there's any pount in continuing trying with this relationship I sart counselling again this week but i really don't know hoe much more of things i can take

Could your Dh & DS go & stay with family for a few days? Give you a break, to recuperate & get your head & thoughts together?

woudl be great but unfortunatley not. dh's family 5 hrs away and dh can't have any more time off work