how important is it to feel "fancied" by dh and have good sex? (v long)

[mymittens]

As some of you know dh and i have had many problems over the years. We are trying to work things out but i'm wondering if we'd have a future anyway. I haven't felt he's fancied me for aboyt 4/5 years of the time we've been together( been together 7 years). Even when we were having sex regularly it was nearly always initiated by me ( he was usually willing) and the sex was unadventurous to say the least. I feel he is very prudish about sex. He's never been intersted in trying anything different - just me on top or him on top. He knows how i feel and says he does fancy me but i don't feel it. I'd love to feel like a woman ( i make lots of effort with my appearance, so it's not like i've let myself go since being with him at all) and not just a a person he sahares a house with. My previous partner fancied me incredibly and was very passionate and adventourous with sex. I left him for dh when i was on antidepressants which clouded my judgement terribley and also killed my sex drive - so at the time that side of things wasn't terribly important. it's only been in the last couple of years that i've been free of anti depressants and can see things clearly. I'm 99% sure i wouldn't have left my previous partner if i hadn't been on the ad.s However we now a a 2yo ds and the majority of the time dh is a great dad to him. Another problem is that because of all the horrific rows dh and i have had (and violence from both of us in the past) i almost don't feel it's right to have sex with him. If i cuddled him i always have have hand "curled up" - i can't lay my hand falt and open on him - sounds silly, i know. I can't bring myself to say i love him and i'm not sure if i do (he knows this). I'm wondering it its worth trying to save my marriage and what's best for ds?

no , my parenets didn't make me feel loved or wanted when i was a child. My father (who is now dead) adored me until i was anout 4 or so but when i stopped being his baby girl it all changed. I remember from about the age of 7, if i did something wrong, he'd ignore me and not speak to me for weeks. I was so envious of my friends just getting a quick telling off it they were naughy and then going back to normal. When i was older and he was annoyed with me, he used to say to my mum about me "who is she, why is she here?". I wanted the ground to swallow me up as i felt so worthless. he and my mum used to have horribe rows and the shouting scared me and my sister. When i was 15 my mum arranged for her evening class tutor to give me extra tuition at home. he used to touch me near my breasts and on my thighs and sit far too close to me. One day, my mum was going to be out when he was going to be teaching me, i told my mum i didn't want my lesson that day and eventually told her why. She clearly didn't believe what i said but my father overheard the conversation and stayed home while i had my lesson. the teacher didn't touch me that day. My fatehr alos wouldn't let me have boyfriends. I say the bloke who became my fitst husband in secret (mum know but told him i was just out with friends) and i left home to live with him as soon as i could. I knew he wasn't right for me but he was my escape route from home. We were together for 11 years. In the last few years of being together i have flings and also a serious affair with a man i truly adored. he was also married though and at the time wouldn't leave his wife. A year or so after the affair ended, he came after me and told me he'd left his wife and he wanted to be with me. I said no because he'd hurt me so much. i'm crying so much as i type this,

anyone there?

There is so much to this mittens.You need to say all this to your partner you sound lonely to me and trapped in a place you need to get out of.Maybe if you show the vulnerable side to yout=r dh he will get that you need to sort this out.

you obviously have a lot of complex thoughts at the moment

you are thinking a lot about the pastin a way which suggests you feel there are unresolved issues

in your head instead of thinking aboiut where you are now you are still experiencing stuff that should be over with

you are possibly depressed ort at the least need some techniques for managing your thoughts and having positive thinking

serial regrets and always ending up in relationships that you arent happy in is a cycle you need help to get out of

when you are enjoying life excited feel things are good how does that manifest itself?

i told him last night that even if we can improve things i wasn't sure if could get over the bad things that have happend between us. I told him i was going to strt seeing the counsellor again to talk about htings. I was upset this morning and told him i'd been thinkig about it all since i woke up. Initially he just siad it's all up to me and i have to sort things out. This made me cry and he was then quite gentle qith me, told me he loved me and gave me a cuddle. That meant alot

when i'm happy, it shows. I'm cheeful and laugh alot

He sounds willing to support you as tbh I feel it is your unresolved issues that are killing this relationship.Go to counselling and try to keep this dialogue with your dh going.

I think he is willing to support me but doesn't want ot be blamed for everything thathas gone wrong. And i don't believe he is to blame for all the bad things that have happened. if i'd never hit him in the first place. i'm pretty confident he's never have hit me. I used to hit my first husband and he's also hit back. My xp before current dh never hit me back. I have mangage to control my physical aggression now, i think. Apart from a year ago when he was being nasty to me about my anti depressants i hadn't hit him for about 3 years - despite some awful rows and terribel things being said to me

mymittens, you need some help. You know what the problems are and you need to work out how you're going to come to terms with your past and how you can move on.

For the sake of everyone including your DH and DS please see this issue for what it is. It isn't just an element of your relationship that is going wrong. It is a reflection of your mental state and the impact that is having on your DH and you.

Most people on here are saying the same thing. If you want to continue to live in this cycle then do nothing. If you want to be happy and content then please seek some professional support to get through this.

On a slightly different note. Perhaps your DH is suffering a little from depression. It certainly sounds like he may have self esteem issues. You will never be able to support one another if you're pushing and pulling against oneanother in this way.

have you ever had help with anger?

i know you dont agree but i think rows and anger in relationships are not necessary and a bit poisonous

good if your dh is supportive

i think you need take responsiility for managing your emotions

good luck with counselling

maybe your gp will refer you for cbt and/or psychotherapy or even to a psychiatrist

I know you've confessed to a lot here but you are also blaming him for a lot so I can understand his reluctance to join in therapy.

One of your concerns has been for your DS and how DH's shouting and rejection will affect him. I think you also need to look very hard at your behaviour, which seems very destructive. How is this impacting your DS? Your DH is not the only one forming emotional time bombs in your son.

I do angree that alot of anger and rows are ver bad in a relationship. I just dont think it's realistic to never be angry or annoyed with a partner! Certainly my friends in rl get angry with their dh's from time to time and they have rows.

dh is willing to come to counselling. I don't know how my behaviour is affecting ds - at the moment it doesn't seem to be. the only times it has affected him is when dh has rejected him and he's heard dh ranting. When that happens for the next few days he won't settle at night and says to me "daddy loud" and "scared daddy" and "mummy sad"

dh is willing to come to counselling. I don't know how my behaviour is affecting ds - at the moment it doesn't seem to be. the only times it has affected him is when dh has rejected him and he's heard dh ranting. When that happens for the next few days he won't settle at night and says to me "daddy loud" and "scared daddy" and "mummy sad"

Yes but mymittens, it's what your DS leave unsaid that I'd worry about. He will be affected by your behaviour. Your anger, emotional meltdowns, your disatisfaction with life will undoubtably have a profound effect on his interpretation of life,. You are kidding yourself if you think any different.

And fWIW, anger in a relationship is not the same as irritation and frustration. Anger is dangerous.

Am shocked. Can you not see the direct correlation between your father's behaviour and your own? Come on, you need to wake up. You said your father would not talk to you for days when you did something wrong?!? This is what you you do to your DH. All the time.

I went through my threads I'm watching list yesterday and was surprised to see how many of them are threads from you, saying all of these things, then maybe towards the end saying you're going to try, you're going to get counselling, you're going to talk to DH or whatever and so I put a watch on them so that when you update with progress I can see it but... you don't come back. Instead, a few days later you start another, almost exactly the same thread.

I am not normally a harsh person and I don't usually believe in kicking people when they're down, but mymittens, I think you should get off MN and start actually working on your relationship. I think that in the same way that you go on and on and on at DH because you like feeling like the injured party because then you don't have to take responsibility for your actions, that's what you're doing on MN. You're on here coming back over and over again, looking for support and sympathy, and whenever it looks like it dries up, you bump this thread because you can't live without people giving you constant validation.

You and your DH obviously do love each other and obviously do genuinely have something worth saving, not least of which is your relationship with DS. Go talk to him and sort out your issues with him.

I'm removing all my watches on your previous threads.

mymittens, how much of your son saying daddy loud, mummy sad etc has he got from you? That sounds like your interpretation of the situation that he's picking up on. If you calmly and jokingly told him that daddy was a bit cross and shouting to let off steam I'd imagine it would deflect his fear. Instead it sounds like you're fuelling it by not making light of it.

i think you shoudl go to see a solicitor or CAB and get the cold hards facts of what a divorce would mean.
it might make you realise that for a start a man that snores is not a good enough reason to split up, i know that was one out of 4 reason but - well REAlly!!

mymittens where are you in the country?Is it easy to access services for this as your ds will be affected by both of you and the relationships within your family.I tried to cat you but couldn't

I'm in surrey

dh called me earlier on to see how i was

cat me mymittens

have tried to cat you but doesn't seem to work

it worries me what dh could be capable of if he could lie about his girlfriend's death. I'm the only person he's ever told about it.

bump