how important is it to feel "fancied" by dh and have good sex? (v long)

[mymittens]

As some of you know dh and i have had many problems over the years. We are trying to work things out but i'm wondering if we'd have a future anyway. I haven't felt he's fancied me for aboyt 4/5 years of the time we've been together( been together 7 years). Even when we were having sex regularly it was nearly always initiated by me ( he was usually willing) and the sex was unadventurous to say the least. I feel he is very prudish about sex. He's never been intersted in trying anything different - just me on top or him on top. He knows how i feel and says he does fancy me but i don't feel it. I'd love to feel like a woman ( i make lots of effort with my appearance, so it's not like i've let myself go since being with him at all) and not just a a person he sahares a house with. My previous partner fancied me incredibly and was very passionate and adventourous with sex. I left him for dh when i was on antidepressants which clouded my judgement terribley and also killed my sex drive - so at the time that side of things wasn't terribly important. it's only been in the last couple of years that i've been free of anti depressants and can see things clearly. I'm 99% sure i wouldn't have left my previous partner if i hadn't been on the ad.s However we now a a 2yo ds and the majority of the time dh is a great dad to him. Another problem is that because of all the horrific rows dh and i have had (and violence from both of us in the past) i almost don't feel it's right to have sex with him. If i cuddled him i always have have hand "curled up" - i can't lay my hand falt and open on him - sounds silly, i know. I can't bring myself to say i love him and i'm not sure if i do (he knows this). I'm wondering it its worth trying to save my marriage and what's best for ds?

i dont know whether i have read other threads of your s or not but

it sounds like you regret this relationship which is really quite a negative place to begin

it is not like returning to a time when things were better as it sounds like you were not yourself when you began the relationship

i dont believe in plodding on in a relationship in order to avoid the pain of splitting up i think that is far worse for everyone than facing up to ending things

ziipi - that;s so true about not returning to a time when things were better. I really was so different when i was takin gthe antidepressants and had a very hard job coming off them. dh was very unsupportive during this time too ( true that i was hell to be around) and a number otimes told me to be "normal" and he didn't want to hear baout how sad i was. during a row he also told me i needed anti depressants to "make me likeable" and that i'd fooled my new mummy friends into liking me . However i've been off the pills for a long time now - and i do still have those friends that i apparently fooled

anyone else have any opinions on the girlfriend/friends issue? Or any of the rest of it?

I think when you are in a relationship like this it is only when someone does fancy and desire you that you realise how lovely it is and important.I lived with someone for years like that and it is only since dp that I realise how sad we both must have been just co existing without the real spark.can you talk to him straight about whether you both see it ever returning and whay you are prepared to do to repair things?

Perhaps he was in shock when he found his gf and didn't want to make it 'real' by dealing with practicalities? On the friends thing, I think some people rely on their partner once they are in a stable relationship and don't keep up their social life. BUT why are you focussing on that? Do you want to validate your feelings by somehow making your unhappy relationship his fault / responsibility? Would agree with other posters that you both need professional support in order to determine whether you have a future together.

Why do you think he has no friends? You seem to be encouraging posters to see your dh as emotioanlly repressed/ inadaquate. Is this what you think?

yes i do think counselling is necessary to help decide what to do. If i'd never been with xp, i wouldn't know how lovley that feeling of being "desirable" in a long term relationship was like. My relationship with my ex husband (before xp) was also lacking on that side of things (we got together for the wrong reasons and he was more like a father figure to me). dh is generally is very nice person and is doing hsi best to look after em while i recover from my recent operation. I fell so guilty about thinking of leaving him - he doesn't want us to split up at all and can't bear to discuss it

Getting you both talking is the key It can be a powerful healer and aphrodisiac!I don't know why but I feel there is hope for you two but all sounds so sad and just needs a push in teh right direction x

I don't know why he has no friends. H has never kept in contact with anyone from school/college/previous jobs and does nothing to try to stsrt new friendships. But yes, i think he probably is emotionally repressed. A friend of mine actually used this word about him (jokingly) when we were having a slightly drink conversation a few months ago

If you were so happy with exp, why did you leave him for current dh? Could you be looking back at that previous relationship with rose tinted glasses because you are not happy at the moment?

I proably left ex because i was flattered by the attention . At the beginning dh seemed king, gentle, and thoughtful and funny - that's gone now

kind, not king!. he also seemed "strong"

He is still all those things give him a chance.

to me you come across as wishing to see your dh as the one who hasnt lived up to expectations...the expectations set by your memory of your exp

i still dont understand why you broke away from a great relationship however flattered you were at the time....

i am puzzled really....you sound quite a restless easily bored person...maybe craving excitement

how do you spend your time do you have a fulfilling life in any aspect

yes, in lots of ways my life is great. i gave up work when i had ds and am under no pressure to go back. I have friends i meet up with in the week and also for out with sometime in the evenings. I also have friends that dh and i go out with together sometimes. We have a nice house in a lovley area and are comfortably off (nor rich by any means but we don't have to worry) I can spend what i like within reason and have the freedom to do stuff on my own for part of the weekend if i want some time away from ds. dh is very happy spending time with ds alone or with me. dh is mostly great with ds ( apart from the shouting at me/ rejecting ds when angry - see my other threads) and makes sure he's hime in time each night to do ds's bath, story and bedtime. Dh spends very little money on himself and doesn't begrudge my shopping trips, etc (within reason!!)

However he rarely expresses any appreciation of me, rarely compliments me,doesn't arrange nights out (unless i suggest it), has a terrible temper and then of course, there's the sex

and yes i think you're right about me getting bored easily, craving excitement....

bump

I had temporarily forgotton that you started this thread about you having to initiate sex. It now occurs to me to ask why do you want to have sex with him?

Your posts exhibit your disapproval and disappointment with him as a partner and you regularly question the future of your relationship.

I think you may be making your dh responsible for all your emotional needs and for how you feel in yourself. This can never work - we are all responsible for our own happiness, and no-one else can "fix" things for you.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your dh came home tonight and told you he felt you needed to split as he has tried his best, but clearly is unable to make you happy? Would you feel relived (after all you have been thinking this for some time). I suspect you wouldnt, and in a few years time may be posting about how good your relationship with (now ex) dh was , as you have been doing on this thread about ex p.

Do you ever think about your dh and his needs, or what he gets out of being in a relationship with you?

I'm not sure how i'd feel if he said he wanted us to split up. he's happy with what he gets from our relationship - he's said there's virtually nothing he wants to change.

Do you feel that your ex may be willing to start things back up if you became available again ?

ex is single atm but don't know if he's want to get back to together. I hurt him very badly and he seems quite settled in his single life

My bil has recently left his wife of 16 years. Since they got together he has done nothing but try to please her. She has done nothing but complain about his efforts and generally put him down. Most who knew them as a couple thought he had the patience of a saint. Out of the blue, and with no previous discussion or even hint that he has unhappy (according to sil)he stated he wanted a divorce. She is now devestated that he is gone and portraying herself as the wronged woman. I (one of many)secretly applaud him for striking out on his own and looking tofind the happiness he deserves.

Take from this story what you will.

I get the feeling that you are craving more excitement and you are the type of person that needs a lot of praise, sex and flirtation in a relationship to keep you interested.

Unfortunately relationships do get out of the 'honeymoon period' after a couple of years and things sometimes loose their initial spark of fun and excitement. It's then that some begin to look elsewhere for that same spark as they need to feel needed by a man as a sexual being and not just as a wife, mother etc..

From the way you describe your DH he sounds like a wonderful caring husband and father but it is now up to you to decide if this is enough or if your craving for excitement is too strong to keep you in this relationship.

mystic - i think you may be right about craving excitement, etc. in some ways dh is a good husband and dad but in other ways he's very bad. here's a summary

Good

1. earns good maoney and happy for me not to work and look after ds. No pressure for me to go back work when ds at school either
2. not selfish with money at all

3 spends tiime with ds and take him aout alone, gets home for bedtime 4.does hs share of housework

Bad

1. terrible temper - shouts & can say very spiteful nasty things and can reject ds when very angry
2. doesn't express any appreciation of me and what i do for him and ds
3. has to be pushed into arranging for the 2 of us to go out (happy to go out whenever i arrange it tho)

4.has snored for the last 4 years due to gaining weight (snoring such that we've hardly slept in the same bed for 2 years). he's done very little to lose weight despite the sleep problems it's caused.