FAB & GLAM PART 8 - Onwards and Upwards!

[ginnny]

8000 posts - how do we find so much to talk about

I cant even look at other peoples babies I just love babies then I tell myself how much easier my life is with bigger children...no waking up in the night, no carrying them about, just getting from A to B is sooo much easier now they can do things themselves.

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OK - how are you going to concieve a baby without hubbys help?

How would you feel if you had another boy rather than the girl you have in your head?

Bearing in mind higher chance of abnormalities would you have a nucal scan and what would you do if it threw up a problem?

How would your other child feel about a new sibling (sorry dont know how old he is or if hes an "only" child)

Will you want to be dealing with homework/after school clubs when you are older?

Plenty of people go for it despite being older, I just knew it time to let it go I was concerned that I had been so ill and it could possibly kill me and the hospital midwife care had dropped to a level where I felt it was dangerously bad (not their fault they did their best but they were understaffed in the labour ward)

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I think sometimes they say these things without thinking about how you will react...then when it becomes obvious they have upset you they think its easier to just change the subject...hubby is the same.

We had a conversation about a weekend DH is planning away with his friends and I said as a joke "excuse me it sounds like you are planning to pull" his response "well I dont think you are that bothered" if I had been a different kind of person I could have worked myself into a lather worrying about it but he knows (I have told him) it would be the most expensive mistake he ever makes

Dior - i would say go for it.
I was 38 when i had my last - yes it was hard work and i hate being pregnant too. Of course that would mean having to have sex with him. And cetainly dont worry about all the health scares - yes they are more complications for older women but there are more tested offered and the actual number of abnormalities with older mums is lower. I think as well you are more mature too so you would be able to cope better with a newborn and that first awful year. But i am here to help.

I once read somewhere that you rarely get past menopause and wish you had had fewer children - in fact lots of women look back and wish they had had more - not sure i will wish that .

I too am feeling a bit weird about babies - i definitly dont want another (and probably cant medically now anyway) but i am feeling the loss of that time iyswim. I am now 43 and the menopause is looming - i have looked up peri-monopause and i think i may be in that phase. I too am having a weight shift rather than a weight gain but finding it difficult to shift.

I would love another baby but am not letting H anyhwere near me or into my life hard enough to try and get him out !
I am 37 so chances of meeting another man who I want to have babies with is slim just have to wait for GC I guess
Hope everyone is ok rather thoughtless of your H Dior but thats not unusual for him no!! And why still no sex you have lost tons of weight isnt that what he wanted????
Baffy are you ok - are your trying with H again - none of us will be angry/judge you know that - you MUST do what YOU think is right for you and DS that is all - sorry if am way off just wondering if thats why you have been staying away - though I am fine one to talk and am MOST definitely NOT trying with H

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It's a tricky one Dior. It sounds like a bit of a throwaway remark on the part of H, but as usual, no thought as to how you might be feeling about it.

I think I would have been happy to have another at 39, but obviously you need to get the sex thing sorted out first.

Dont let yourself get to my situation. I suppose as I work with children I am bound to get it from time to time, but I sometimes get besotted mothers asking me how many children I have. When i say one they often ask if I will be having any more. I dont really want to say "No, Im 45 and havent got a man, so what do you think" so I have to make feeble excuses and hedge around.

Hi back briefly
Baffy - so very sorry about your cousin The funeral must have been so very sad. I agree with you - life is short. Are you contemplating taking h back? Hope you are ok.

Dior - hope you are ok. Well done on the weight loss. You must be a size 12 now? Fantastic Are you still feeling broody? You and h need to talk this through. Sex is important for your emotional closeness too. Does he have low libido? By the way, 39 not too old for a baby. Maybe things could be worked out if h wants a baby too? Hope so xx

I am in the early stages of pregnancy - only 4 weeks. Not celebrating yet due to recurrent m/cs but hopeful. I needed to leave this thread to turn a corner in our relationship. I really feel that I have been able to do that - and it is such a relief

Hi to everyone else and sorry I haven't caught up fully xx

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Just keep talking about it though dior - but i think my hormones are making me feel a bit woobly about the fact that i wont be able to have anymore.

Well done LL - everything crossed for you - but do let us know how it goes.

McD - you sound a lot stronger lately - hope you are ok.

Hi to everyone else.

Dior - you need to do what feels right. If that feeling is there, and you buried it last time, then it's no wonder it has come back.

If you bury it again, and it comes back when it really is too late, will you always regret not trying?

You only have one life and you have to do what you think is best so that you don't live with regrets.

Please speak to dh. Fwiw, no matter how hard it is, I don't think you'd regret changing your life that was just about to settle down. But you may regret not having this discussion and making this decision while you can.

Hope you're all ok.
Macd yes you're spot on. You know me too well. I will write about me when I have the strength xx

I thought that was what you were up to too baffy - just didnt have the guts to say it so glad mcd did first.

There is still a place here for you whenever you need to get away - and i would love to do the therapy bit with your H (sorry not sure i will be able to call him dh either). Lots of other names spring to mind though.

Actually h is 'building' a log cabin in the garden at the moment - i think he is regreting ordering it but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Do take care baffy and please feel free to email me - you still have a rocky journey ahead of you and i am here to support if i can.

Thanks HW

I'm trying my best but I just don't know if I can do it. I'm reminded every day of what he did and I'm just not sure he can ever do enough to put this right. When this child comes it will be a constant reminder of how little I mattered from the day he met her. What happens when he gets fed up again and goes off to find his next bit of excitement!

Don't worry, no need to answer that

I know what I have to do. I have to walk away. Too much has happened.

He finally decides he had everything he wanted in the first place. And I'm supposed to forgive it all, accept ow and the child into my life forever, and move on...

I think I'm asking too much of myself.

I can see how happy ds is. And how happy H is. Well why wouldn't he be. He's got a lovely new place to live, plenty of spare cash now, me at his beck and call being the perfect wife, and to top it all, I'm accepting of the fact that the teenage slapper who ruined my life is having the child I so long for, with MY husband, and is still very much a major part of our lives. And always will be. Is any marriage worth this pain? Even for ds? Probably not

I hate myself more than anyone. For being so weak. I give every ounce of strength I have to everone else. And then sob myself to sleep wondering where I fit in in all this. I don't know where I fit in anymore. I feel like a meal ticket. A token 'perfect' wife. But the desire, the love, the lust - everything she got from him, still isn't there.
He wants me. And why wouldn't he. It gives him the lifestyle and image he wants. But something has gone. Changed forever. And I just don't think anyone could accept the things they did and then sit back while they have this little world that revolves around their baby that I am not allowed to be part of
(oh yes, she continues to call the shots)

I'm logging off as I've said too much and I don't even really want advice. I need some serious help and counselling to sort myself out.

Catch up soon xx

Baffy - you are 'the perfect wife' so please dont ever think less of yourself for that - but will he ever be the perfect husband???

I do know exactly where you are - and i will email you so we can chat more if you want.

It doesnt have to be like this - you know that - but also dont feel bad that you are not strong enough yet to be the you you want and deserve.

It has taken me a long time to get here.

Also i have realised i dont have to forgive h for what he did - some things are unforgiveable imo. But i have learned to 'live' with it and now we do have a new relationship.
I really have changed - is this the man i want to be with for the rest of my life? I still dont know the answer to that myself - it is good now and that is what is keeping me here, but i have not made any promises i dont know i cant keep and if i want to get out in the future i will and without the guilt too (well i hope if i do ever go i will not have the guilt anyway). Saying it i sound like a different person and i am still not always comfortable with it either - but i do think it is for the best and so i am happy (mostly).

Baffy do make sure you grieve for the marriage which you have lost - and remember it will take a long time - and try and find some good everyday to make you feel good about.

Take care now.

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Thanks Dior and HW. Baffy - cos I don't think there are any useful words I could offer you

lush - whats up - why the sad face?
We are strong women and we can beat anything.

Lets all help each other out too.

Dior - i feel another lunch coming on - i have an extremly busy half term - ending in yet another trip away. What credit crunch????
So lets start the process sooner rather than later eh?

Baffy, sorry to hear things are so hard for you. It's so much harder where children are involved, isnt it, you want to do the right thing for them.

But you have to do what's right for you too, pretending wont make DS happy in the long term.

DD asked me if I was jealous of her dad having another woman yesterday. I said no, as Im still trying hard to be as positive about the twonk as I can be.

She said she would be! She's only 7

Its not losing him Im mourning - its having a life that was going in some sort of direction, not round in ever-decreasing circles.

If there is one thing that comes up again and again on these threads - it's men having their cakes and eating them, and not even noticing the suffering going on around them.

HW - sad because she misses her old life/her old dh and she knows her new life will never be the same. It could be better but never the same.

LL congrats

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Thanks Lilyloo