Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you rather have a romantic and affectionate Dh or one who is supportive and a great father?

53 replies

Bringbackmybonnietome · 02/09/2008 13:04

Ok I know you'd really want both.

But if you had to choose?

I have the latter.

My DH loves me, works hard, supports and encourages me in my career, does loads around the house, is devoted to our sons, does loads with them we have similar interests, views on life and spend loads of time together.

BUT

he has never been romantic and is not very affectionate. I complain about this and feel that I am missing out on something.

I think I should just really appreciate what I have with such a good husband, but still hanker after the 'romance.'

Which wold you choose?

OP posts:
LucyJones · 02/09/2008 13:05

the latter

Pinkjenny · 02/09/2008 13:05

The latter.

BlingLovin · 02/09/2008 13:05

yup- the latter. You can bring the affection and romance if he's doing the other stuff?

OrmIrian · 02/09/2008 13:06

I want the latter from my DH. Which is largely what I get.

However I may advertise for the post of wildly romantic (unmarried) lover to fulfill the other bit.

themildmanneredstalker · 02/09/2008 13:07

well-if i had a dh who always bought me red roses and called me sweet names and whisked me off to paris every month but did fuck all the rest of the time i would be very unhappy.

i wouldn't enjoy the romance if i wasn't happy the rest of the time.
but yes-i would want both i think.

in what way is he not affectionate or romantic? how does he express love?

melpomene · 02/09/2008 13:08

latter. If he's supportive of you then that's showing that he loves you, isn't it, even if he doesn't say it romantically. Far better that than someone who showers you with roses petals and then leaves you to sweep them up while he goes off to do his own thing.

mehgalegs · 02/09/2008 13:09

I have the latter, for which I am eternally grateful but I'd like a bit of the other (fnar fnar)too.

My self esteem is very low and I know a little more affection would be a boost.

WideWebWitch · 02/09/2008 13:10

I have one who is both but can't you teach him the latter? In a nice way, just tell him you'd like some romance in your life and do some romantic things for him?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 02/09/2008 13:10

what do you mean when you say you want romance?

I don't want or need the overly romantic gestures.

little things like a post it in the fridge saying I love you, or something like that's enough for me - but would rather have a loving, respectful supportive husband who's a good father than a romantic bloke who was found wanting at the other stuff.

Original poster
Bringbackmybonnietome · 02/09/2008 13:12

He expresses his love by being supportive and devoted to our family and by doing things for me and the DS's. He says.

I say , yes I see that, but I'd like cuddling on the sofa as well as you taking the bins out.

NO 'I want both' answers please.

Youhave to choose.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 02/09/2008 13:12

Could you arrange an evening out, talk to him, tell him how much you appreciate and love him? In some ways I do think the things in the first list ARE romantic: romance is about more than hearts and flowers.

themildmanneredstalker · 02/09/2008 13:16

in what ways are YOU romantic? i think leading by example is a good way of going about getting what you want.

if you want candles and champagne-you do it first and say lots of positive things 'i love it when we spend tme like this-it makes me loved and sexy' etc etc

Kally · 02/09/2008 13:16

Was he ever romantic? You can tell this from the begining (whether it's forced and he's acting 'textbook') or whether he is naturally romantic.
You can tell this by the books he reads, the movies he likes to watch, his humour... you must have known originally whether he was the romantic type or not.

dittany · 02/09/2008 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnypeculiar · 02/09/2008 13:25

If I had to choose, the latter.

Agree with dittany that there's a big gap between romantic (which I personally could live without I think- although it certainly gives me a lift when dh remembers)
and affectionate. eg dh brings me a cup of tea every morning in bed. It ain't romantic, but it is affectionate, & it tells me that he understands me (I'm not a morning person) and looks after me.
I wouldn't want to live in a marriage without affection, I don't think...

Kally · 02/09/2008 13:38

True about affection. Romance is something you can conjure up yourself. I am not crazy about romance. Affection yes.
Funnypeculiar you are so right about the cup of tea business. My Dad used to do that for me as far back as I remember, I adore it when a man does that... It hits my inner appreciation and safe spot.
Prefer that sort of care than any bunch of 24 roses or chocolate box...

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 02/09/2008 13:41

agree with the affection thing - and also after a marriage which was lonely I now say I definatly want intimacy but WITHOUT being physical iycwim.

that's also v important to me.

Original poster
Bringbackmybonnietome · 02/09/2008 14:45

He was never really romantic, but the attraction was great and mutual so that saw us to marriage.

He does bring me tea in bed actually, but I never really considered that affectionate.

I think I may be guilty of discounting much of what he does do. When we have argued about this, he accuses me of that.

He tells me I'm attractive and sexy, but he's not very physical, accept when it comes to sex, and he certainly never does any grand gestures, or small ones, like the 'I Love you' note on the fridge, he'd never do that.

But I'd have to admit neither do I and also that maybe I'm not terribly affectioanate or physical myself.

In the evening if we watch Tv together we sit separately, we are realxed and have good chats about stuff we are watching, and TBH I'd proabably get fed up of cuddles and want my space quite quickly.

We do talk about this. He promises to try harder, and he does try, but I just don't think it comes that naturally to either of us, but still I am wistful for the romance.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 02/09/2008 14:50

That does sound horribly familiar bringback. We do affection and sex, but not passion I suppose. Which is why I want my DH for the supportive daddy stuff and another man for the other stuff . As a couple we don't do passion that well. And mostly I don't want it but sometimes I do.

InsidiousViolet · 02/09/2008 16:59

I agree, can very easliy live without romance but not without affection.

Anna8888 · 02/09/2008 17:01

I have both, but he doesn't score equally everywhere. He is superlatively affectionate, reasonably romantic, supportive as long as I am clear about my needs and a fantastic father.

LackaDAISYcal · 02/09/2008 17:11

My DH is supportiver and a great father, but is also affectionate and has been known, occasionally, to send me lovely exotic blooms for no other reason than he thinks I needed cheering up, so I suppose I have the best of both worlds

He isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination though and we have our moments. Our main gripe is that he is away all week and I'm knackered at weekends so our sex life is a wee bitty lacking, but he's a pretty good all rounder I'd say.

susie100 · 02/09/2008 18:18

The latter but affection is key. I think the things you mention your husband doing ARE romantic, much more than a bunch of flowers or a weekend away. I have never gone in for flashy shows of romance, on anecdotal experience the most overtly romantic men I and my girlfriends have been out with ended up being rotters/unfaithful.

My grandparents were married for 70 yrs and he never bought a flower or birthday present (ok maybe a bit extreme) but was the ideal husband in my view because of the respect and love he showed.

DanJARMouse · 02/09/2008 18:20

I have both! Lucky I know.

Affectionate is key - cant be in a relationship without affection! Same for supportive. The good father and romance can be worked on!

procrastinatingparent · 02/09/2008 19:45

This book explains an idea I have found quite helpful, which is that each of us has a particular way of expressing love, which is also the way that we like to receive love. The 'languages' are quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

So for example, I want DH to say how wonderful I am (words of affirmation) and I show him I love him by telling him how great he is. However, he shows his love for me by doing kind things (acts of service) and my words just pass right by him whereas making him a cup of tea makes him feel all warm and loved - but I always forget to do that because it is not the language I speak.

Discovering this has helped us understand that we do both love each other but show it in different ways, and also that we need to learn another language if we are both going to feel loved. (It's also interesting to try to work out what your children and other family might be - my mother is a gift-giver and I am not which has lead to lots of frustrations over the years ...).

I wonder if you need to hear love and romance when your DH is so caring, and he needs to make an effort to 'talk' romance so you hear what he is saying.